Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Jade's POV

“Jade, up! Its time for school!” Bailey's voice infiltrated the silence coating the fours walls that I called my room, a groan falling from my lips as I pushed myself up from my mattress, dragging my legs over the side of the bed and hoisting my body onto the cold wood floor. Pulling my feet behind me, I made my way to my closet, picking out a Jimmy Eat World t-shirt, my tattered jeans with the hole in the knee, and quickly exchanging clothes. Finger combing my hair, I quickly applied some eyeliner in the bathroom, brushing my teeth before looking myself over once.

“That's as good as its gonna get,” I mumbled to myself, going back into my room and grabbing my backpack, navy blue hoodie and my classic converse before lugging myself down the stairs.

“Jade-Oh, you're up,” Bailey said, her face holding every sign of surprise with a small smile on her lips. She hopped down from the stool she sat on in the kitchen, extending her arm to hand me the piece of toast, “I made a piece for Alex too.”

“He's not here,” I mumbled, shoving half the toasted bread into my mouth. Bailey raised her eyebrows, looking me over quizzically. She knew something was wrong; Alex hadn't been here in almost two days and when we were around each other, I could tell my sister felt how awkward everything felt between us. I should have been able to tell Bailey anything and everything; she was my sister after all and over the months we had spent in Lutherville, I had felt closer to her, but for some reason, I couldn't get myself to tell her about the awkwardness between Alex and I. I didn't want it to be that way, but the burning warmth I had acquired since our date that one night, I couldn't stomach being around him like I used to.

I couldn't help it.

I had never felt the way Alex had when we spent the first night together after our date in the park and around town. Throughout the record store and the diner, the sporadic kisses and even the slightest squeeze of my hand sent my body through shock after shock, the warmth floated up from the core of my stomach to the pit of my chest.

But like anything else, I tried to push down the unfamiliar and unwanted feeling into the darkest depths of my memory.

When the feelings returned with Alex a few nights before this very moment, I couldn't help but feel that if I had let Alex do what we both knew he was implying by flickering his eyes all over my body. What really got me was the cloud that had covered his eyes; it was unmistakeable and I knew I had seen it before, but only between my parents in pictures I had seen on their wedding day, or between couples on Valentines Day who had dated years and years prior to that date.

I knew what it was, but my mind refused to process the feeling.

So like anything, I ran away. I always did.

I was slowly running away from everything that meant dear to me.

“Is there anything wrong with you and Alex?” Bailey asked, breaking me from my concentration.

I scowled slightly at her, “I don't know, why don't you tell me what's going on between you and Zack?” I snapped, glaring over at her as her eyes widened.

She knew I had her.

“I-I don't know what you're talking about,” She stuttered out, a scoff falling form my lips.

“That's complete bullshit and we both know it. Why don't you stop acting like you're prissy friends in Essex and tell me the fucking truth for once?” I spat at her, throwing the toast onto the table and grabbing my backpack, storming out of the house and into the driver's seat of the car. Soon, Bailey limped, defeated, out of the house, climbing into the passenger's seat and then we were off to school.

Arriving at school, I turned off the car, ignoring my sister's protests as I slammed the door after myself, claiming my backpack from the back seat and putting on my happy face for my friends. My fake front. My new fake front.

It all seemed like the beginning from here: Bailey and I hiding our true emotions from the group in fear of them judging us on the brother who had died months prior to our arrival in Maryland. I hid my emotions and true self behind a wall that blocked out all intruders, though some had found their way through. Bailey stocked up her true feelings toward the real subject of our arrival until one day she cracked, like we had both expected her too.

Now, everything had changed.

She was herself again; an improved version of herself, better. She was recovered from everything and her life seemed perfect.

Except mine wasn't

I took steps back away from recovery and towards discovery. I discovered that I wasn't necessarily where I needed to be in the first place. I was where Bailey needed to be, with friends and...more. Bryan had been right, for some time. Lutherville is what I had needed, but maybe it wasn't that way anymore.

Maybe I didn't need Maryland as much as I thought I did. Maybe I needed Bailey.

I wouldn't ever admit that.

They didn't know much about me, I realized, my friends. They knew my brother had killed himself and where I was from. They knew the basics. They didn't know I had gotten into trouble in Lutherville; fights on more than one occasion. They didn't know that I had done some things I wasn't proud of admitting, things even my saintly sister would burn her ears after hearing. I was a mess in Essex but it was where I truly belonged.

I spotted Kaylie standing next to Melanie and Jack, the pair trying their best to let their crazy antics cheer up their recovering friend. I could see the smile on her face but her eyes told a different story: defeat.

I couldn't help but compare myself to her. I was defeated by a town that had initially helped me, the people within it taking me in and trying to make me apart of their own kind. But in the end, I too was defeated. I had once loved everything Baltimore had to offer but now, it had me wishing it was more, more to me. Kaylie had loved Adam, anyone with eyes could see that. They loved each other so much that when they began to drift, she no longer had anything left to give him, so they split. Was it my turn to split from Lutherville? Was I defeated like Kaylie?

The girl's eyes drifted over to a group of boys and I followed her gaze, my sight catching on the boy she was still so in love with though they had nixed their relationship a few weeks beforehand, cuddling back into his arms on my aunt's living room couch. I saw Adam laughing and joking around with his friends but I saw similarities in his eyes, the same flash of emotion as Kaylie's: defeat.

My eyes shot back to the group in front of me as Alex's hand interlocked with mine. I couldn't help but feel slightly awkward as the warmth covered my body just from a single touch. I no felt the bubbling lust and desire I had felt with Alex a few weeks, days beforehand, much like I had felt with previous boyfriends; I almost felt guilty when it encased my being. I don't know why; maybe it had something to do with my conversations with Bryan. I didn't know but with his fingers locked with mine, I couldn't shake the need to let go of his hand and eliminate the bubbling warmth in my chest and stomach.

I was saved with a vibration in my pocket and I quickly detached my hand from Alex's, pulling out my cell phone from my jean's pocket. I smiled, opening up the new text message.

From: Bryan
Hey Jade. Bored as fuck. How's life over in Merryland?

I laughed, beginning to type out a response when I felt a pair of eyes looking over my shoulder.

“Who's Bryan?” Alex asked, causing my eyes to drift up to his gaze.

“A friend from Essex,” I replied, shrugging slightly as I continued to type before pocketing back the device. Upon looking back up, I caught the look my sister threw me. I knew she didn't like that I was talking to Bryan, or any of my Essex friends again. She knew it was so much more than just keeping in touch and I could practically see the puzzle pieces fitting together in her mind.

Turning my head, I saw a familiar head of blond hair getting out of a small car, a smile on her face as she embraced a dark haired boy, a grin on his lips as he bent down to kiss her. I sighed, tearing my eyes away from Lisa and her new boyfriend with that guilt feeling rising up into my throat. If I had never come to Lutherville, Lisa would be kissing Alex right now. I had torn her away from a relationship she had been trying so hard to keep. I had done that. Me. I was the destroyer of that which once was. Maybe I had deserved to be beaten up by that blond and red head many months ago.

I shook my head. No, I hadn't deserved the way they treated me and I swore that if I saw them again, I wouldn't hold back anymore. I didn't have any strings to tie me to the ground. I was free to choose what I wanted and who I was fighting for in the end, regardless if I was really fighting for Alex when the time came or not.

The bell rang in the distance and I felt Alex's hand in mine once more. I pushed back the feeling of guilt as we made our way into the school.

Outside my french class, I reached up and quickly kissed Alex before turning to go inside but his hand on my shoulder stopped me in my tracks.

“Jade, I...I don't know what's wrong with you. I mean, yeah sure, I understand you weren't...ready to go far with me but, I don't think I deserve to be shut...where's your necklace?” Alex paused, looking down at the hollow of my throat as my fingertips touched the skin he stared at. I wasn't wearing the guitar pick necklace he had given me for Christmas.

I shrugged, “I just didn't want to put it on today.”

“See,” Alex said, pointing a finger at me, “You just...there's something wrong.”

“No.”

“You can tell me anything, Jay Bird. You have before so, why can't you tell me what's up now?”

I debated between the contradictory statements in my head, one telling me to tell him of the bubbling feeling in my stomach, the thoughts of Essex I had been having, and of course the guilt, but the other told me to hide it deep down like I had done when first arriving in Maryland.

“...Its nothing,” I smiled, wrapping my arms around Alex and crashing my lips on his with more pressure and passion than before. We both know I was lying but he let me kiss him, relaying the same emotions into it as I was.

But I was sure I was the only one between us with the burning sensation on my lips and skin wherever he touched me.

Alex pulled away, smiling down at me before kissing my lips quickly once more, letting go of my waist completely and turning the corner towards his first class.

I watched him walk away and I turned to head intro the French classroom, where Rian and Jack were waiting. As soon as they had disappeared, two figures placed themselves in front of me, pushing my body against the cool metal of the lockers. I looked up at them, taking in their evil eyes, perfectly painted smirks and blond and red hair.

“We told you to stay away from Alex, Bates,” Blondie sneered, peering down at me.

I laughed, pushing myself from my locker and smirking up at the two girls with what I was sure was an evil glint in my eyes.

I wasn't taking their shit. Not today. Not ever.

Everyone would finally see the real Jade Elizabeth Bates.

“Why don't you remind me?”