Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Jade's POV

You know how when you blow up a balloon and, instead of tying up the end to make the air stay inside, you hold the hold the end between your fingers? You know how there was always that annoying boy who would do that and then, when you weren't paying attention, he would slowly let the air out right next to your ear making that obnoxious noise as the air escaped?

I felt like that.

Except I kept holding the end of the balloon until my fingers got tired and I finally let it go, watching as the balloon spiraled in a million different directions that I could no longer control.

I had finally popped.

It wasn't like I was planning on completely loosing it and freaking out with my t-shirts clumped in my hands as I stuffed them into my duffel bags, hastily clutching at jeans and sneakers to throw in as well.

I never planned anything really; I was a very impulsive person. But my impulse had been infected by that little thing I called the build up from hell: all the things I had been harboring for weeks now had finally exploded all over everything I had loved in Lutherville.

And it all started with one kiss that went too far.

I could see Alex's face as he stared down at me with the look in his eyes that still sent my heart into a race. It caused my skin to burn in such a way that I felt like I was being boiled in a mix of emotion I had never experienced before, and my mind to stop functioning completely as my use for words died. I had welcomed the feeling. It had become such a regular thing nowadays, I didn't know if I knew anything else anymore.

But now it was just another thing that caused my hands to throw my Beatles t-shirt into my bag.

My mind raced as I ran from my bedroom and into the bathroom where I started to grab my toiletries.

“Don't do that.”

“What? Make myself actually look nice?”

Alex smiled, pulling me closer to him and kissing my lips quickly, “You look nice no matter what.”

“Doubt that but, your life, your choices,” I muttered, releasing my hand from his and pulling the black pencil back to my eye again.

“Yes, and I choose not to let you put on this...goop.”

“Goop?” I laughed, quickly lining my eyes in the black liner and some mascara, looking back over at Alex and sticking my tongue out at him slightly.

“Hate you,” He replied, sticking his tongue out at me as well.

“Liar.”

“I know, I'm a terrible liar.”

“You shouldn't do that. You'll...die or something and that would totally suck.”

I shook my head from the memory as I grabbed my makeup, hair straightener, and toothbrush before bolting from the enclosed space. Heading back into my room, I threw the various articles into my bag and continued to throw my clothes into the different suitcases.

I no longer felt like I belonged in Lutherville; it was an excellent place to spend my time and I was over what had happened last year when Sam died, but I didn't fit in anymore. I tried to, for Bailey, but I knew where I truly belonged. I wasn't the goody-two-shoes like my sister; that was her true reality. Mine? I was nothing like what I seemed and I had realized it for myself after talking with Bryan for the past four days. I had come to realize that I was covering up what I truly was to fit in with the people I called my friends.

Back in Essex, I wasn't someone the low key like I was here in Lutherville. No one knew to look at me twice and here...everyone did. I was softening.

I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't lose everything in one dumpy little town. I had gained a lot but, I had lost more. Memories, family, old friends, some of my dignity, and most importantly, a reputation.

Suspension had given me time to think and after all that time of counting ceiling tiles, endless video games, and calls from people states away, I realized I didn't want to hang around in a town that wasn't helping me anymore.

That's when I realized that I didn't belong here anymore than a fly did with a fly swatter. Maybe in a couple years I would miss the town but this wasn't like the last time my sister and I had fled, this was true reason for leaving and I knew I wouldn't give up Essex a few months after arriving, I would stick it out because it was truly what I wanted. Coming hadn't originally been my plan at all. It was for Bailey. Now I wanted something that would truly come together for myself and maybe I could have realized that sooner if I had stuck it out in Essex a little longer. Maybe that's why I was so desperately clingy to every little tidbit of news from new Jersey Bryan had been feeding me over the past few weeks; maybe I hadn't needed Lutherville in the way I thought. Maybe Essex had been the right thing for me all along.

My phone vibrated on my bed and I dropped the jeans in my hands before picking up the small device and looking at the text message I had received.

From: Bryan
Hey, Mandy and I are planning a welcome home party
at my house. Be there or I'll kick your ass.

Laughing I quickly typed a reply:

To: Bryan
How can I miss my own party? That would be stupid

From: Bryan
Also something you would do.

To: Bryan
...Shut up. You're distracting my packing. I'll call when I'm
close to home ;)

Closing my phone, I threw it back on the bed sheets, gazing over the colors I had memorized so well in the comforter.

“Two things,” Alex began, pulling us toward the bed as he kicked off his shoes, letting us fall next to each other under the blankets, “One, aw you don't want me to get hurt. Adorable.”

“I just don't want to pay the insurance.”

“Bitch,” I laughed, motioning Alex to continue, “And two; you're wall has like a fucking brick wall pattern to it and its impossible not to be able to climb it without not falling, so don't worry about it, babe.”

“Fine, Spiderman,” I whispered, laying down with Alex following suit, wrapping his around my middle, pulling me as close as humanly possible to the point where I didn't know where I ended and he began.

“Anything for you, Mary Jane,” Alex kissed my forehead before closing his eyes, both of us falling asleep to the others breathing.

My thoughts were interrupted by a slam of a door downstairs, causing my body to jump with new sound infiltrating the stillness of the house I had memorized every inch of since my suspension began. I could tell you how many ceiling tiles made up the bathroom and exactly how many wooden panels created the hallway floor I had walked on so many times without noticing. I hadn't noticed a lot of things in my life and as I looked out my opened window on the other side of the room, I noticed something else I hadn't before.

The little fact that my room was directly across from the eldest Flyzik.

Matt stood in his room, chatting away to someone on the other side of his phone, laughing occasionally while running a hand through his hair. He would throw back his head and smile before mumbling a few words and I couldn't help but watch him with a certain fascination with my hands still wrapped around various articles of clothing I was prepared to throw into my luggage. Suddenly, Matt looked up, staring out through his window and into mine, our eyes meeting for a fleeting second before he looked away but only to snap his head back in my direction. But not into my eyes this time.

No. His gaze was on the clothes in my hands. He slowly looked up to meet my stare and I quickly threw the garments into my bag, rounding passed my bed and shutting the blinds on the window as I tried to erase the look of confusion on Matt's face.

That's not how I wanted to remember him.

I went back to my bag, zipping it up before surveying if I had missed anything. I hadn't. Softly smiling, I walked out of the room and heading down the staircase toward the kitchen. In the hallway were my sister's sneakers next to the backpack that had taken such abuse from all the books she had carried in it along with all the hard work she had put into school. Not like me. That's one of the many areas we differed in. I wished it hadn't been now.

Looking into the kitchen I saw my sister, her well fit frame opening and closing the many wooden cabinets as she searched for something to eat. With each slam of the little door, I knew she was becoming more and more frustrated with not finding something to ease her rumbling stomach.

I stood there, watching her for a few minutes as I slowly built up the courage to even speak a single word to my sister. It shouldn't be like that, not between us. We were twins: we had been destined for friendship since birth but now...it was like we didn't know each other. I hadn't had a civil conversation since before the fight where I messed everything up in school but we had talked if you classified the occasional “hey could you pass me that notebook” or “could I have the cereal” with the occasional “thanks” and “you're welcome” tagged on. Other than that...nothing.

And that killed me.

“Bailey,” My sister jumped, whipping her head around as she stared at me with a mix of confusion and an almost fire in her eyes, “I need to discuss something with you.”

“Finally ready to get into what this fight was spawned off of?” She asked, closing the cabinet behind her and leaning against the counter with her arms folded over her chest as she stared deep into my eyes with the same look as before.

“No,” I answered simply, my attitude started to shine through though I desperately tried to shove it back into hiding. I had already lashed out at her enough at the party where I saw her kissing Zack. I knew I shouldn't have reacted the way I did but I had known there was something between them. Why hadn't she told me? She knew I would have been happy for her but she kept it a secret anyway?

“Well, what then?” Her attitude surprised me. This was Bailey, queen of calm, who was starting to give me back just as much attitude as I threw in. It took me a second to reply as I backed up from the shock she had dished out to me.

“I...I want to go back to Essex.”

Silence filled the space between us as I looked deep into her eyes, searching for something, anything.

“Well, then go then.”

“I-I want you to come too.”

“No.”

Once again, shock filled my body as I took in my sister's stiffened posture, her jaw set and a look of determination brightening her eyes. She was standing up for herself and I knew it probably shocked her just as much as I was in that moment. She went along with anything, took anything I or anyone dished at her but she was changing just as much as I was resorting back to my old self.

“What do you mean 'no'?” I asked, walking forward with a bit more attitude than before. I was testing the waters with Bailey's new found courage and we both knew it.

“I'm not going back,” She finalized, turning back around as she opened another cabinet.

“Why not?”

“Because, Jade,” She sneered, slamming the cabinet shut and turning around to look at me with the fire burning brightly in her eyes, “I'm not letting you waltz around, offering me the opportunity to change something that is finally good for me. I like it here, I belong here. You might not like the fact that I have something here and you don't anymore but that doesn't mean that my whole life should change just because yours suddenly sucks.”

“Well, maybe I didn't ask for my life to suck as much as it has. What's wrong with wanting to change myself so that it isn't shit?” I yelled, throwing my hands into the air.

“Maybe you should have thought about that before punching those girls in the face,” Bailey spat, walking forward till we were standing right in front of each other.

“Maybe you would have known a little bit more about me if you hadn't been sneaking around and having sex with Zack behind my back?” I retorted, glaring deep into my sister's eyes as the bonfire behind my pupils burned into her sun kissed face.

“Don't even bring that into this. It has nothing-”

“It has everything to do with this Bailey,” I yelled exasperatedly, “You hid something so huge as that behind my back. From your own sister! What the fuck possessed you to think that maybe I was already feeling like shit and needed you more than I let on?”

Bailey was silent as she looked back and forth between her feet and the tile beneath them.

“You should have told me-”

“When? Before, after, or during your sex sessions with Zack?”

“I'm not having sex with Zack!” She yelled, the fire back in her eyes as she got even closer to me, the set and determined look on her face once more.

“Than what then? What are you doing with him that you couldn't tell me or the others?”

“We're sort of seeing each other.”

My eyes widened as shock and sadness filled my body. My breath caught in my throat as I swallowed back the slow depression that built up.

“And you didn't tell me? Did you think I wouldn't approve because in reality, Bailey, I've been shipping you and Zack to get together since the beginning. I was the first person he told about your feelings for one another. He can tell me things...why can't you?”

“You know, discussing secrets is a two way street, Jade. You could have let me in on your inner turmoil.”

“The whole group wanted you two together-”

“Yeah and they were very happy when we told them.” Bailey's eyes widened slightly as she mentally slapped herself. And once again, shock infiltrated my mind but this time, it brought along a friend. Anger.

“Everyone knew...but me?” I sneered the last words as I stared deeply at her with rage induced feelings building up in my body.

“Yeah. They came to the party last night early. You know, you're boyfriend was there-”

“-Don't bring him up-”

“-he was all alone and depressed,” Bailey continued on, stepping toward me as I slowly backed up, “and you know who else was there?” There was a slight pause as I looked away from her, “Lisa. And you know what else?”

“Let it go Bailey.”

“She cared about why he was so upset. You know who wasn't?”

“Bailey, shut the fuck up-”

“You.”

I snapped my head towards hers as I pushed her away from me, “”You don't know shit Bailey Olivia Bates!”

“What and you do?!” She screamed, pushing me back as my back slammed against the counter, the bruises burning slightly with the impact.

I was silent as I fumed looknig at her. I couldn't think of anything to say and Bailey took this as her oppurtunity.

“You can run away from your problems for as long as you want, Jade, but no one can guarantee that they'll still be broken when you get back. Alex may move on and someone better for him may come along to pick up the pieces you leave behind.”

“You can go to hell,” I said, turning on my heel and heading for the front door, with my hand on the doorknob, I turned around meeting the fiery green eyes of my sister, “Take your lies and your shitty new life with you, because I never want anything to do with you again.”

“You say that now, but when life gets hard, you'll just try running back here again.”

“You know,” I started, turning around to face as her as I pushed back the tears my eyes threatened to spill. I needed to look strong and fight passed my sister's harsh words as I delivered my own, “you're just like Sam. When I need you most, I know you won't be there for me. You'll just disappear and this time, maybe I won't have so much trouble forgetting about what I used to care about.”

Bailey's mouth slacked as I slammed the door behind me, leaning my back against the wooden door with my eyes closed, continuing to fight the tears that began pushing past my eyelashes.

“Jade?” My eyelids slowly slid open as I looked at the coffee-haired boy standing on the cement walkway before the porch I resided on. His chocolate brown irises stared deep into my very soul and I could feel the warm sensation they brought along with them heating my entire body.

“Alex...I don't have time for this,” I mumbled, wiping at my red eyes and trotting down the stairs. I started to pass him but not before I felt the familiar calloused fingertips gripping at the exposed skin of my arm.

“Please, its important.”

“Can't it wait, Alex?” I asked, looking over to meet his gaze and suddenly I was lost in the eyes I had stared into so many times before.

“No, it can't. I need to say something that may or may not clear up this entire situation.”

“Yeah? Well, I have something to say too,” I said, pulling my arm from his grasp as he looked at me expectantly, “I'm leaving.”

His eyebrows knitted together, “Leaving? Where?”

“Essex.” I slowly began moving away from him and toward the driveway.

Worry filled his face as he advanced toward my retreating form, “For how long?”

I shrugged, “Does it matter? I won't be here. And neither will you.”

“It matters to me.”

“You don't mean that,” I muttered, stopping momentarily as I stared at the ground beneath my feet.

“I mean everything I say to you, Jay Bird. I always have and I always will so believe me when I say that I want you to stay with me.”

“But you're leaving,” I retorted, looking up into his eyes as he paused, taking in every aspect of my face.

“But I'll be back.”

“And I won't be here when you do,” I said, backing up again toward the driveway.

“Jade-”

“Alex, just...leave. It'll be easier for the both of us.

“Jade, you're making a mistake. If you leave...you'll never fully understand how much you can get out of this place. Think of how much it gave to you.”

“Like what?” I asked, stopping once more and crossing my arms over my chest, “Forgetting my brother? My friends? Family?”

“You didn't forget your brother. You just got over him.”

“Maybe I didn't want to. Maybe that's what's so wrong about being here. Maybe I needed him,” I retorted, setting my jaw as Alex quickly walked closer to me, taking my face in his hands.

“You don't mean that,” He pleaded with me, looking between my eyes with sadness in his own.

“The truth is, I do.”

“Please stay.”

“Why? So you can just leave me behind?”

“No, because I love you.” My heart stopped as I took in Alex's face with that expression I had seen weeks before in his eyes. The emotion I couldn't place now had an owner: love. His breathing became ragged as he waited for an answer my mind racing with the appropriate words but none came to mind.

I smiled slowly, taking his hands in mine that still rested on my face as a smile of his own climbed up his cheeks, his face slowly leaning towards mine. And I let it. Our lips met in a kiss with so much emotion that it hurt to not let my body crash against his and run my fingers through his hair. His mouth moved against mine so fluidly as if it had molded perfectly to match my own and as I pulled away from it, I took in the look on his face with tears beginning to fill my eyes.

“Goodbye, Alex.”

His facial expression dropped, sadness overtaking his eyes and whole demeanor.

“But...I love you. You can't just leave.”

“I don't believe you, Alex. I can't...I can't...Goodbye,” I stated disjointedly, pushing his hands softly from my face as I turned away from him and heading back onto my porch.

“Jade-”

“Goodbye, Alex,” I said, turning back around with my hand on the front door handle as I took in the look of the boy I fallen so hard for in the time I had known him, “Just forget about me. You deserve much better.”

“I know we've both messed up but...please. Don't do this.”

“Goodbye, Alex.” And I closed the door behind me, the permanent reminder of always remembering Alex's face as one with the look of complete brokenness etched on his face.

Throwing the last of my bags into the trunk of the car, I looked back at the house I had spent so much time in, remembering when we had first pulled into the long driveway with tear stains etched on our cheeks with the fresh memory of our brother's death in our minds. Now I was leaving alone with no one behind me but my friends back in Essex to welcome me back with open arms and leaving behind nothing in the town I had thought provided so much for me.

Slamming the trunk shut, I walked around the car and toward the front seat where I pried open the door to the drivers side, getting in and putting the keys in the ignition. I didn't start the car, I just sat there, thinking. Was this stupid? Was everything I was about to do a mistake? Bailey's words rang through my head: Alex may move on and someone better for him may come along to pick up the pieces you leave behind. He needed someone better, they all did. I was a screw up and most likely a fake for hiding what I truly was from all of them. They all needed someone better than me. So I started the car, looking up once more with tears filling my eyes as I caught a moving figure over in the driveway of the next house.

His dark brown hair moved slightly in soft breeze as he stared at me, the look of understanding in his eyes as well as sadness as he looked at me. Though I knew he didn't know the whole reason for why I was leaving, Matt was and probably would be the only one who would ever understand me.

And as I backed up out of the driveway and began making my way toward New Jersey, I knew he would probably be the only person back in Lutherville that would ever really understand me ever again.

Because no one would understand why I was gone in the morning. Or they wouldn't care.

They should have forgotten about me a long time ago. It was all I deserved at this point.

It was all I would ever deserve.