Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Bailey's POV

I was leaned over the kitchen counter with my head in my hands. My breaths were deep. In. Out. In. Out. I continued reminding myself, trying to calm the sea that was forming in my eyes. I wanted to think about anything that wasn’t my past before I went out for my run, but when Clara walked in, I jumped ten feet in the air after she called my name.

“Oh Bailey, I didn’t think you were home!”

I scoffed in my head but answered back lightly, “I could say the same for you…”

“Well I have Fridays off, so I went grocery shopping for you girls,” she stated proudly. I took the chance to glance around the kitchen; the shelves were stacked with food. Clara started unloading another brown grocery bag as she made small talk about her day. I smiled and nodded with her as I eyed the things she had bought. Half of the boxes were foods that I had never eaten before in my life, but I presumed that since Clara never had kids, she didn’t have the slightest on what to buy for them, especially since she was never really home to talk or see us girls enough to know a lot about us.

As I studied the back of a container of Buttermilk mix, Clara finally stopped bustling to take a good look at me.

“You were crying.”

I looked up at her surprised. “W-What? N-No...?”

“Come on, Bailey. What’s up?”

“Nothing Clara,” I said shakily. Clara eyed me. “Really, I’m fine.”

I noted her look of disbelief, but focused on a history article on the back of the pretzel box. Clara opened the fridge and started tiding up the inside. “Oh, I talked to your mom today!”

I choked a little on my breath.

“Yeah, she just wanted to see how you were two were doing. I couldn’t find you though, so we ended up talking.”

“Oh.”

“Where is Jade anyways? Aren’t you guys attached at the hip?” she chuckled.

“She’s over at the neighbors,” I said dryly, jerking my thumb back.

“Marylyn? I heard she was in the hostpital?”

“Uh, no, the others. Melanie and Matt’s.”

“Those noisy boys? That’s…nice.”

My thoughts still lingered on my mom. “So what did my mom say?” I asked cautiously. I hadn’t spoken to my mother for a while, so I was anxious to see what my parents were up to.

My aunt hesitated. “Well you know we just…talked about…life. We actually talked about…you know…”

I felt the prickle of tears pierce my eyes but blinked back.

“I know she didn’t want us to talk about it to you but, she wanted to know how you were holding up.” Clara kept avoiding eye contact with me.

I tried speaking, but I don’t think my statement actually left my lips the first time, so I repeated it. “I’m fine.”

“You know,” she tried cheering her voice up, but it only turned it in to a sympathetic tone. It reminded me of my friends back in New Jersey; they gently grabbed or rubbed my shoulder gently as they commiserated me, and then their head would tilt to the side and give me a light pity nod and ask me how I was “holding up”.

“Your brother, Bailey, was always--”

I felt my gut clench and bile crawl up my throat. “I-I…I have to go,” I cried and ran out of the kitchen and out the front door.

As I ran I didn’t feel much, mostly numbness. The lack of feeling in my legs and chest wasn’t due to the running, it was due to my pain. It seemed like everywhere I went the pain followed, including my head. I never could get out of my head and it scared the shit out of me.

I was going at a steadier pace now. Before, I felt like I was sprinting because I was so upset, but the more running I did, the more my head cleared and I allowed myself to slow my tempo.

I was fine. The week went by pretty smoothly and I had made plenty of nice people that really cared about me. But then my aunt had to bring up my brother.

I felt my legs speed up just thinking about Sam. The ache in my arms and stomach throbbed when I thought about the memories and I couldn’t imagine what I would be feeling if I wasn’t running down sidewalks. I don’t think I could describe what I felt because I hadn’t ever let my brain totally focus on that subject before. Yeah, it was always on my mind, but I kept in concealed in a little box in the back of my brain, where all my true feeling for things was kept.

That box, if opened, would inflict so much hurt on many but also encourage the others. If I let out what I truly let my head ponder, it would harm and tear apart many relations. My dad, for example, would be devastated if I actually told him about what I thought about his so called love for my mother and their messed up marriage. But on the flip side, my sister would cry tears of delight if she knew how much every cell in my body and every trickle of blood in my veins relied on her for my function, and if she left I wouldn’t be able to rise out of bed every morning because that’s how much I cared for her.

It’s thoughts like those that I didn’t want my mind to set thought on because they set me in a mindset like I was in now. My brother Sam was one of the objects in the box. When I thought about him I sometimes felt my heart actually slow, but thudding noise was louder than the 43 cars running at the Daytona 500.

I was good and lost now. I was stupid to think that only living in Lutherville for a week would give me the knowledge of neighborhoods, stores and streets. I glanced around for anything familiar that I may have seen before when Jay and I were riding around with Mel.

Adding more distress to my day, my feet moved faster. I passed a park I had never seen before and I forced my legs to slow their speed so I could glance. Over in the corner were a crowd of middle school boys hollering around a skate ramp. In the middle of the circle was a tall, medium build boy with blonde swooping hair. He was doing a 50/50 and everyone clapped, then I saw him do a kick flip with his board and afterwards, all his friends cheered and hollered again. I smiled at the site, it reminded me when Jade and I would follow Sam and his friends to the mini skate park behind the community center in our neighboring town and we marveled at his tricks. Sam was always a good skater and was always practicing outside with his friends.

Unpleasantly, during my reminiscing, I felt face flush and a face appeared in my vision. I tried to blink the blurry vision of Jack away but his mouth kept moving. “Are you okay, Baybay?” After his voice rang through my ears I slammed my eyes closed and didn’t open them until his stupid skunk hair disappeared. When I opened my eyes, my legs were going so fast that even I was scared for myself, but I was astounded as well because I didn’t even try to slow my feet.

My chest twanged every time I took a step and my hips had a dull ache. My quad muscles burned moreover anything else but my hot, sticky sweat dried as soon as it was let out of my pores. My face was chilled with agony.

I was still looking for a way back home, unsure of where I came from when I felt something hot run all the way down my cheek and my neck. Still running uncontrollably, I reached up and wiped my first tear that left my eyes since I moved to Lutherville.

That stupid voice ran through my head again, “Are you sure you’re okay, Baybay?” I wanted to scream that I was fine to him. Why did people care so much anyways? It’s not like they knew what it felt like to hurt like I did. It would be different if someone came and knocked me over and then asked if I was okay, because it would be obvious that I could possibly be hurt. It was as if there was something in my eyes that gave me away.

“Whoa! Are you okay?!” Oh the irony. I almost thought I was hallucinating again. Then, I looked at the giant who was standing above me and then I recognized the fact that I was actually knocked over.

I continued sitting on my butt, but the vision of the sweaty, muscular boy hovering over me was beginning to blur. My eyes burned and I let out a sniffle and then answered him with a loud, undecipherable sob, “I’m fine!”

I remained on the sidewalk where I ran into the boy a few moments ago and he was obviously uncomfortable with the situation. “Umm, did I hurt you? I-I thought I caught your fall but uh…” He scratched the back of his head in discomfort. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Stop! Yes! Didn’t you hear me?! I said I am fine!! Why does everyone ask me that?! Stop asking me! I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m fine. I’m fine…” Warm tears fell nonstop down my cheeks and I hugged my knees and bit down on my knees but I couldn’t stop sobbing. I guess that’s what I get for holding in my tears.

The boy started glancing around, a little embarrassed, as he still stood above me. His breath was evening out from his cardio while my heart rate was just getting worse; from my sprinting before and then crying and not being able to catch a breath, I was almost hyperventilating.

I felt his hand grasp mine to help me up and he walked me to the grass and sat me down gently. Still crying and heaving, I laid down and put my arms above my head in hopes of it helping me. The boy awkwardly sat down next to me, probably wondering how long he had to stay with me. Once and a while he glanced at me uneasily but most of the time he picked at the grass around him or just stared off at the passing traffic on the road.

A little over twenty minutes later we were both lying on the grass. I was focused on breathing, my eyes closed. I felt so much better, almost fresh after crying so much, and the boy next to me was gazing at the setting sun above us. It was cooling off outside and even though there were children screeching with joy in the distance and cars passing by, the air seemed peaceful and a silence loomed above us.

I kept my eyes closed, smirked lightly and spoke abruptly. “I’m Bailey.”

I could tell he wasn’t expecting me to say anything because he jumped and when he spoke his voice cracked a little. “I’m Zack.”

I laughed a little and looked over at him to finally get a good look at him. He was attractive, soft in the face, with brown eyes and light hair.

“Um, I’m sorry for running in to you before,” I offered shyly.

Zack sat up and looked back at me and smiled. “It’s okay, I wasn’t hurt and uh…I don’t think you were either?” I noticed a little flinch as if he was afraid I would snap again like I had before.

I gave him a funny face and then looked at him seriously, “I’m really sorry about that. I-I really don’t have an explanation for my…weirdness? It’s pretty mixed up.”

“I guess I can understand that. You seemed pretty upset.”

“I thought going for a run would help. Yeah, baad idea.” We both chuckled under our breath.

“Running usually is a huge stress reliever for me.”

“You think so too?” I said interested. “It’s so relaxing isn’t it? I have a sister who thinks its just heavy weight.”

“Nah!”

“Exactly!” I said and sat up and turned so I was facing him. I looked around and noticed the light dimming in the sky. “Wow, I better get going home…”

“Do you live around here?” I started to stand up but he looked doubtful at me and helped me up.

I gave him a sheepish look. “Honestly? I have no idea.”

He tightened his face and gave me a questioning glance as if to say, “Are you mental?” I laughed as a result.

“I just moved here, and well, I really have no idea where I am. I got lost.”

He gave me a pity look, but it wasn’t actual pity, more of a playful and teasing matter. “Well do you know your address?” He saw the look on my face and chuckled. “Wow woman, you really know how to mess yourself up, huh?” He winked at me and bumped his shoulder against mine as we started walking to an unknown destination.

“You have no idea.”

==========

“Where are you taking me?” I asked a bit later. We were still walking. I suggested that we start jogging but Zack refused, saying, “If you could have seen what you looked like when you ran in to me, you wouldn’t think it was safe yourself.” I wasn’t sure how to digest that, but I figured he didn’t mean it in a bad way, Zack was too sweet.

“Well you said you live in Lutherville, right?”

“Yep!”

“Well, I know a bunch of people who go to Dulaney. And hopefully they can help.”

Thinking about how Zack claimed he knew so many people, I was afraid he would tell them he ran in to, literally, a “damsel in distress” case on the side of the road. I didn’t want everyone at school, where Jay and I were the weird, polar opposite, new twins, to know about this, it would give everyone the perfect chance to judge and stereotype us.

“Um Zack?” I asked shyly.

“Yes Bailey?” he imitated me, causing me to smile.

“You-You’re not going to mention this to anyone, are you?”

It didn’t even take more than a second for Zack to answer back confidently. “Of course not Bailey. It will be our little secret.” He smirked over at me and bumped me again and this time I bumped him back shyly.

==========

By the end of our long walk back, it was dark out and I really didn’t know where we were going, so I had to put all my trust in a stranger I met only two hours ago. It was odd that I was putting so much confidence into something that would be gone the next day, but it felt good. To be spontaneous again, that is.

I was having a great time none the less and Zack was cutest thing. I laughed the whole way home as we shamelessly joked the entire time.

“You are such a creeper!”

“What?” Zack asked confused.

“That’s my house!” I pointed to the tiny house up on a hill with the incredibly steep, torn apart driveway.

“You’re kidding right?”

I held out my pinky, swearing. “Seriously, I am not teasing this time! I really do live there with my sister and my Aunt Clara!”

“Cranky Clara?! Well, do you know Matt?”

“Yeah, I was just over at his house today, hanging out with Melanie!”

“No. You better not be messing with me.”

“Zack,” I put my hand over my heart. “I, Bailey Olivia Bates, am not lying to you, Zack…um…”

“Zachary Steven Merrick.”

“Right. I, Bailey Olivia Bates, am not lying to you, Zachary Steven Merrick about my living situation.”

Zack dramatically rolled his eyes and finally linked his pink finger with mine to seal the promise. Zack led us up the Flyzik’s driveway together quietly. I started to knock when we reached the front door, but he ignored my gesture and walked right in the house. He quick turned to me before he slipped his shoes off. “You know what? Your initials spell Bob.” I burst out laughing.