You're My Schennshine

Hope

I watched as four doctors moved Luke from his bed to a gurney to transport him through the hospital. I smiled softly at him, tipping my head as I watched. “You’re so big.” I said teasingly, watching his eyes flit over to me. He pursed his lips and furrowed his brows.

“I’m not big…shoosh.” He grumped. I laughed, shaking my head.

“You’re two hundred pounds babe.” I laughed, stroking his hair. “You’re a bear.” He growled and stuck out his tongue as they slowly started to push him out of the room. Doctors had been mulling over his x-rays for nights on end, finally settling on getting anything they could get image wise to look at his spinal cord. He had two appointments tonight, one for an MRI scan, and another of a CAT scan, both for his neck. I wasn’t permitted to follow, so the nurses had me wait in his room, leaving me to check e-mails, and do whatever else I could to amuse myself in the time that these scans would take.

The night before he’d been bitching…grumbling about how uncomfortable the machines made him. They both were generally the same shape, and that enclosed kind of space with the loud nose made him nervous. As if being paralyzed from the neck down wasn’t horrifying enough, he had to go through that, when all his sensory was in his head, he couldn’t move to see out (not that moving was permitted, but the inability to in general was terrifying). He could only see the lights as they centered on his body and scanned him down. The sound of the machine humming would encase him in his own little world.

“At least we don’t have to sedate you…if you freak out you can’t move.” His regular doctor joked playfully, having come to be active in Luke’s recovery. If looks could kill, my boy would have willingly killed everyone in the room, myself included.

“Fuck you…I want to be passed out…or giggling, I don’t wanna know what the fuck is going on.” He cursed angrily. “I don’t care if I think a fucking unicorn is talking to me…” As he got frustrated, his doctor laughed playfully, shaking his head. “I’m not laughing Moran.” He said threateningly. I started giggling too. I didn’t find hilarity out of Luke’s fears…that wasn’t the case. But sometimes, he could get so worked up when he was scared, he just went from one form of irrationality to another. His eyes flit to me and he looked less than impressed. “Cassidy.” He said warningly.

“Shoosh babe, before I seal your lips.” I giggled, patting him on the cheek. I’d gotten used to only touching him where he could feel it…if I hit anywhere below his shoulders, he wouldn’t react…he wouldn’t even blink. His expression turned from upset, to a sigh, looking over at his doctor then.

“You’re gonna give me drugs?” He asked carefully. The doctor nodded, already having filled a syringe with whatever he was gonna give him. “Yes.” He hissed, comforted by the fact that he didn’t have to go through this…alert.

He’s been gone an hour or so now. I’d taken the time to do some remote work…getting my assignments from the newspaper sent to my laptop by my boss. I was an editor for the sports section of the Toronto Tribune. It was how I met Luke, getting sent out to cover a charity drive for the Leafs. The title “sports editor” really translates to “paid Toronto Maple Leafs stalker.” It was my job to go to all the events, all the games, everything. I normally avoided Luke, after a nervous first time interviewing him. He didn’t’ talk much, and I figured, despite being a hunky heartthrob…juicier interviews lived elsewhere. So I couldn’t stare into those blue eyes and get paid for it…I could always interview someone like Mike or Tyler and get the opportunity to watch him undress and go off to the showers after a game or a practice.

Even editors think that way, there should be no surprise. I see the guys every day and think that they’re beautiful…and I got the best one.

I lost my position when Luke and I started dating. I could have kept it, but I took a promotion to Sports Editor instead. I could use my new knowledge of the guys to make a better paper, correct things that other guys got wrong. I didn’t need the press pass or the locker room visits…but a new writer would love it.

I bit my lip as I waited for him to return, sending back a few finished articles and pulling up more. I had a stack miles high of articles to go over…I was thankful that they’d given me the opportunity to do this all remotely.

In time, about two hours or so…they wheeled a sleepy-eyed Luke into the room. I smiled as he blinked and tried to keep his eyes open, wrinkling his nose and yawning, mumbling like a tired little boy. I set aside my laptop and stood up as they moved him from the gurney back to bed, hooking him up back to his IVs and monitors. The nurse smiled, watching me sit on the edge of his bed, reaching over to play with his hair. He blinked, and then opened his eyes wide, staring at me and then sighing.

“Christ babe…” He whispered. “You scared me.” He laughed, closing his eyes, blinking and rolling his eyes. I smiled, leaning over to kiss him.

“Sleepy bear.” I grinned against his lips, pulling back and playing with his hair. He looked at me, smirking and wiggling his eyebrows.

“Yeah…they gave me good drugs.” He said softly, starting to wake up and be able to focus a little more. “Didn’t even know they took me” He smiled, blinking as he blue eyes met mine. I loved playing with his hair…and now it was so much more than something to do idly. It was one of the few ways I could connect to him…to touch him and make us feel close. I smiled as I slowly watched him wake, just touching his hair. He smiled as he took it easy, breathing slowly. I bit my lip, god I loved him.

The doctor came in that night. I’d been feeding him food from the kitchen. He wasn’t too keen on the idea of a feeding tube, so it was my job to feed him. I played little jokes on him, making airplane noises as I fed him the burger, vegetables and pudding cup they gave him. He told me it was gross and I apologized for the bad food, whispering how I’d steal away later that night and get him an ice cream sundae or something special.

We were told that they thought the cause of Luke’s paralysis was pressure placed at the point of impact. They showed where he’d not ruptured a disk, but it’d slipped just a bit with impact. He explained that the biggest problem was there was now a compression of cerebrospinal fluid on the nerves that was making it harder for the disk to not only slide back into place, but also making it impossible to carry out the electrical currents down his spine. They wanted to alleviate the pressure from the CSF at regular intervals and compared with cold presses and Massage, they were hoping to encourage his neck to slide back into alignment.

I remember how his eyes sparkled when he found that he wasn’t going to be stuck like this…that he was going to be better…and going to hopefully get his movement back. His smile and the way he had me hold him and hug him close, petting his head playfully.
“You’re gonna get better baby…” I whispered, hugging him tightly. “You’re gonna get better.” I kissed that little smile; he couldn’t even stop grinning as I kissed him, making me kiss his teeth, the corner of his lips, all around him. He laughed softly, looking down at his still toes.

“I’ll be able to walk soon.” He whispered.

“We’d like to get started as soon as possible as we don’t want sustained pressure to permanently damage your spinal cord…we’d like to get the first done this evening. We’ve called in for this procedure to be done, and we’re prepared for your both to be this night.” He nodded. “We’re ready to do this within the hour, if you’re ready.”

“Well yeah I’m ready.” Luke said. “Do it now…do it as fast as you can…I want my movement back!” He laughed, biting his lip. “I mean…I won’t even feel it hurt!” He laughed softly.

“We’ll call and get everything set up.” The doctor smiled, looking at me. “You’re going to have to sign for him…giving us a waiver to do this.” He informed me. I nodded and bit my lips, understanding what I needed to do.

“You want me to sign your waiver?” I asked him, only asking in the presence of the doctor as a formality. Luke rolled his eyes, his mouth hanging open.

“Uh…Yes!” He laughed. “Oh my god…I might be walking soon!” He said softly. “Oh my god!” He grinned.

“Don’t get too excited baby.” I smiled. “When you get that excited, you get impatient.” I grinned, looking at the doctor as he passed me a clipboard thick with paperwork. I smiled as I started to sign on Luke’s behalf.

“Isn’t like…a Next of Kin or something supposed to sign for me?” Luke asked curiously. “She’s not related to me…” he informed the doctor, who nodded.

“She’s the closest one to you at this moment. If we called and asked for his mother or brother…it’d cost us valuable time. We want this quickly or we might risk permanent damage.“

‘Write fast babe.” Luke said playfully, understanding the seriousness of the situation. “I gotta buy you a ring…make an honest girl outta you…so you can sign my medical forms.” He laughed softly, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. I watched his chest rise and fall, before going back to signing the forms.

“I’ll go get nurses and doctors ready…” He said softly. “So we’ll be ready as soon as you’ve got those forms filled out.” He smiled, leaving me and Luke alone in the room once more.
“They’re gonna fix me.” Luke said excitedly. “I’m gonna be able to walk…and skate…and play…and have amazing sex with you…” My head shot up and I turned to stare at him. “And swim…and run…and hug you all over again.” I just stared at him, my mouth wide. “What?” He laughed.

“Having amazing sex is in that list?” I asked.

“Well…yeah…” He laughed. “You’re shocked by that?” He asked, furrowing his brow.

“Well…I mean…” I said softly. “Sex?”

“It’s important!” He blushed then. “I like it.” I broke into giggles, shaking my head and wiping my face, going back to signing the papers. I finished quickly, hearing him bitching about me making him embarrassed. “Would you put sex on something important?”

“Not on par with you playing again.” I laughed.

“What? Come on! Is it not good enough for you?” He laughed.

“No…just…you’ve played hockey for years.” I shrugged. “You’ve only been doing me for what…a year now?”

“Like a year and two months.” He nodded. “We just celebrated our anniversary in November.” I nodded in remembering.

“You took me out along the waterfront for a walk and dinner.”

“And then I fucked you like crazy.”

“That was so not fucking…you made love to me like a Greek god.” He smirked.

“You started crying and kissed me all over, whimpering about how much you loved me.” He said proudly.

“It was good.”

“And that’s why sex is on my list!” He yelled excitedly. I laughed, shaking my head.

The doctors came back, with them, some equipment. I looked over as they took my paperwork, reviewing the forms before nodding.

“We’re gonna need you to help us.” Luke’s doctor looked at me. “I’m gonna ask you to hold him still and hold his hand, keep him comfortable.” He said softly. Luke smiled, biting his lip.
“I’m not gonna feel it.” He laughed, looking around as nurses started to roll him over onto his side. I reached to grab his hip, my other hand moving to hold his hand tightly. He looked at me, smiling softly.

“You’re way too happy to have a bigass needle stuck in your back.” I grinned at him, looking at his face carefully for any sign of pain. He looked completely oblivious as the doctor and nurses prepped the area.

“I don’t even know what they’re doing. I just see the shadows over that window and you.” He said simply. I nodded, squeezing his hand. “I bet if I could feel you…you’d be breaking my hand.” He laughed. “I know how you get.” He smiled. I leaned over, kissing his lips gently.
“We’re all set…” The doctor said then, applying a band-aid to Luke’s back and smiling. They started to roll him over again. I pulled my hand away from his hip, seeing my fingernails leaving deep red marks in his hip. I laughed softly, biting my lip.

“Thank god you can’t feel.” I whispered.

“What, you hurt me?” He asked softly, laughing quietly.

“Oh yeah…she did a number on you.” Dr. Moran laughed.

“I’d love to feel it.” He laughed as he was rolled back up to sit once more. I pried my hand form his, gulping as I saw the damage there as well. “Oh shit babe.” He laughed, able to see his hand. “How scared were you?” He grinned. I shook my head, leaning down to kiss the fingernail marks in his hand.

“I’m sorry babe.”

“God, were you more nervous than me?” He laughed. “Shit.” He bit his lip. I grinned, closing my eyes.

We’d gone through days of this. I always leaving bruises deep in his hip and his hand. He laughed as he changed colors, black and blue with my strong grip that was fueled by my own fear. The idea of him hurting more, of being in pain, was totally overwhelming. What if the needle went too deep? What if his back spasmed? I was so imaginative that I was my own worst enemy, I knew there was no risk…spinal taps were so common. I had nothing to worry about…and yet, I indulged myself.

“It’s that time huh?” Luke smiled as he saw the doctors coming in with the side table full of supplies. He looked over at me and smiled. “How many bruises will I get today?” He asked with a grin, biting his lip. I hit him in the arm, laughing softly.

“I only do it because I love you.” I grinned. He laughed, rolling his eyes and taking a slow breath, looking around the room. I bit my lip as the bed was lowered, my hands balling into fists and I tried to calm myself down.

“Babe…really…you don’t need to get so excited…it’s not so bad” He grinned. I knew that if he could, he’d be smoothing my hair back and comforting me in any way he could. I leaned over, kissing him gently, pressing my forehead against his. He grinned, biting his lip. “I love you.” He whispered.

“You say that so often now.” I teased him.

“I always said it.” He protested. “But you stay here…don’t leave me ever.” He said softly. “Not even for a minute.” He grinned. I smiled, kissing him again.

“I love you.” I grinned softly.

“Hey…” he said softly. “At least my lips work, right?” He grinned.

“If those were gone, we’d have an issue.” He laughed, looking up at me. He bit his lip, pursing his lips to reach mine, kissing me again. He smiled against them, and that’s when I felt his fingers twitched. I figured it was a muscle spasm. He had those sometimes…with the nerves not truly firing, and the muscles atrophying, they sometimes pulsed at odd times. I shook it off, pressing my forehead to his and shaking a little. I closed my eyes, feeling his breath brush my lips as it went slow, waiting for this procedure to get done with.
He grimaced a little. I pulled away, and his hand twitched again. “What’s up babe?”

“Think…my neck…something’s probably…getting fucked up.” He said softly. “Probably nothing…you know…phantom pain…or whatever.” He mumbled distractedly. His hand twitched again, and I looked down, watching his fingers flex a little, jerking as they closed over my fingers. I blinked, biting my lip. It was like a lily closing in the night, slow, but obviously moving.

“Luke.” I whispered breathlessly. He looked at me as the doctors pried my hand from my hip and rolled him onto his back once more. His eyebrows perked, looking at me as I gulped.
“What’s got you excited now, babe?” He asked quietly. I swallowed hard, already feeling the tears spring to my eyes. I grinned, slowly lifting our hands to where he could see, and let go of his, watching it cling to mine. He blinked, looking at it for a moment, before he looked at me. “What…”

“That’s you baby.” I choked out. “You held my hand….” I grinned, gulping and covering my face with my left hand, staring at him, watching as the tears periodically blurred his image. I gasped as color flooded his face, his eyes going wide.

“I’m…” He gasped, starting to breath heavily. I grinned, unable to help myself. I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and starting to cry, kissing him over and over as I clung to him.

“Oh my god…Luke…” I whimpered. “Oh my god…” I whimpered. “You’re….you’re getting better!” I sobbed, pressing my face to his cheek, kissing him over and over. I was absolutely wrecked…so happy for him.

“I’m gonna get better.” He whispered. He still couldn’t hold me…but it was a start. I grabbed his hand, closing my fingers around his, between his fingers. Slowly, jerkily, they closed around mine, locking us together. I watched intently, clinging to him.

It’d been a long time of waiting for this very moment…and I stared at his fingers, kissing each of them.

He was going to get better. Hope filled the room; he was going to be OK.