Status: complete :)
I'm Frightened That I Won't Be Strong
11.
Despite everything going on, I couldn't fight the small smile on my lips as I heard Nick bustling around in the kitchen. I was beyond shocked, obviously, to find out that Nick was...well...Nick Jonas. But I loved him and nothing was going to stop me loving him. I stood in the kitchen door, just watching him move about. He hadn’t noticed me yet and I was comfortable with just watching him for now. Once he stopped moving and stayed standing in front of the oven, I approached him silently and wrapped my arms around his waist. This morning and the last few days I had been feeling like the girl in this relationship. And, I knew that I wasn't. Not permanently anyway. I was older, taller...while Nick was 3 years younger, shorter and a musician. There was no doubt in my mind that he was going to be the girl in our relationship. "Nick," I whispered as I leant my jaw on his shoulder.
"Hmm," he mumbled, leaning back into my slightly.
"I love you," I whispered and I felt Nick's happiness basically radiate off him.
"I love you, too," he whispered and I grinned before pressing a quick kiss to the side of his neck.
"So what's for breakfast?" I asked smiling.
"Toast," he said, motioning towards the pile of toast on a plate. "Bacon and eggs," he finished, indicating the food that was cooking on the grill in front of him. I smiled softly. "You don’t have much food..." My smile faded slightly and I shrugged.
"I haven’t really been eating much anyway," I told him quietly before moving to sit at the table. I closed my eyes as tears pricked in my eyes. I looked up at Nick, who was quickly moving across the kitchen. I pulled him onto my lap and held him tight. "Nick," I whispered, burying my face in his shoulder. "I...I don’t know what to do," I admitted. Nick raised his hand to run his fingers through my hair gently.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I-I mean," I stammered, not sure how to say this. "I'm...happy when I'm with you. Like...truly happy. But...my d-dad just died. I shouldn’t be happy. Whenever I feel happy, I suddenly remember my dad and feel really, really guilty that I'm happy when I shouldn’t be." I finished and Nick was silent.
"I'm sorry, Jesse," he whispered and I instantly panicked as I heard the guilt in his voice.
"No, Nick, it's not your fault," I insisted, pulling away so I could look into his eyes. "I'm thrilled you're here, honestly, and I don’t know how I would get through this without you. I just...I don’t know what to do."
"Jess," he whispered, running his fingers through my hair. He'd never called me Jess before, only my dad had ever called me that before. A small smiled ghosted over my lips before vanishing again. "You're dad wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for being happy. He'd want you to be happy."
"But...how can I be happy when he's..." I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence.
"I don’t know, Jesse," Nick whispered as he stroked my hair gently. "But I'm going to be right here with you, no matter what happens." I smiled and nodded. "Do you want to eat now?" he asked after a few minutes of silence and I nodded. Nick placed a light kiss on my forehead before climbing off my lap and going to get the food. I couldn't remember the last time someone cooked for me, that wasn't a take away. He placed a plate in front of me and I suddenly realised how hungry I actually was. I eagerly dug into the food, taking only a few seconds to mumble to Nick how good it was. He just chuckled and ate his own breakfast. I watched as Nick fought a yawn and I smiled softly at him.
"Tired, baby?" I asked him softly and he shrugged.
"Jet lag," he said and I nodded.
"Go take a nap," I suggested as I picked up my empty plate and took it to the sink. Nick quickly finished his own plate and brought it to the sink as well. I turned on the water and waited for it to warm up so I could wash the dishes and frying pans.
"Are you sure?" he asked and I smiled. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed a kiss to his temple.
"I'm sure," I smiled. He smiled back and nodded, before quickly pecking my lips and going back to my bedroom. I smiled as I watched him leave and then I turned and my eyes landed on the phone. I sighed and picked it up, dialling a number that I hadn’t phoned in over 10 years.
"Hmm," he mumbled, leaning back into my slightly.
"I love you," I whispered and I felt Nick's happiness basically radiate off him.
"I love you, too," he whispered and I grinned before pressing a quick kiss to the side of his neck.
"So what's for breakfast?" I asked smiling.
"Toast," he said, motioning towards the pile of toast on a plate. "Bacon and eggs," he finished, indicating the food that was cooking on the grill in front of him. I smiled softly. "You don’t have much food..." My smile faded slightly and I shrugged.
"I haven’t really been eating much anyway," I told him quietly before moving to sit at the table. I closed my eyes as tears pricked in my eyes. I looked up at Nick, who was quickly moving across the kitchen. I pulled him onto my lap and held him tight. "Nick," I whispered, burying my face in his shoulder. "I...I don’t know what to do," I admitted. Nick raised his hand to run his fingers through my hair gently.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I-I mean," I stammered, not sure how to say this. "I'm...happy when I'm with you. Like...truly happy. But...my d-dad just died. I shouldn’t be happy. Whenever I feel happy, I suddenly remember my dad and feel really, really guilty that I'm happy when I shouldn’t be." I finished and Nick was silent.
"I'm sorry, Jesse," he whispered and I instantly panicked as I heard the guilt in his voice.
"No, Nick, it's not your fault," I insisted, pulling away so I could look into his eyes. "I'm thrilled you're here, honestly, and I don’t know how I would get through this without you. I just...I don’t know what to do."
"Jess," he whispered, running his fingers through my hair. He'd never called me Jess before, only my dad had ever called me that before. A small smiled ghosted over my lips before vanishing again. "You're dad wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for being happy. He'd want you to be happy."
"But...how can I be happy when he's..." I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence.
"I don’t know, Jesse," Nick whispered as he stroked my hair gently. "But I'm going to be right here with you, no matter what happens." I smiled and nodded. "Do you want to eat now?" he asked after a few minutes of silence and I nodded. Nick placed a light kiss on my forehead before climbing off my lap and going to get the food. I couldn't remember the last time someone cooked for me, that wasn't a take away. He placed a plate in front of me and I suddenly realised how hungry I actually was. I eagerly dug into the food, taking only a few seconds to mumble to Nick how good it was. He just chuckled and ate his own breakfast. I watched as Nick fought a yawn and I smiled softly at him.
"Tired, baby?" I asked him softly and he shrugged.
"Jet lag," he said and I nodded.
"Go take a nap," I suggested as I picked up my empty plate and took it to the sink. Nick quickly finished his own plate and brought it to the sink as well. I turned on the water and waited for it to warm up so I could wash the dishes and frying pans.
"Are you sure?" he asked and I smiled. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed a kiss to his temple.
"I'm sure," I smiled. He smiled back and nodded, before quickly pecking my lips and going back to my bedroom. I smiled as I watched him leave and then I turned and my eyes landed on the phone. I sighed and picked it up, dialling a number that I hadn’t phoned in over 10 years.