I'm Frightened That I Won't Be Strong

I looked at the boy lying beneath me, holding back my tears as much as I could. I hated that he was probably right – I did want comfort and I knew that making love to Nick would provide me with that. But it wasn't wholly that – I really didwant to make love to Nick purely because I loved him. I realised he was slightly worried about my answer, so I leant down and tenderly placed a kiss on his lips. "I love you," I whispered. "I'm sorry."
"You don’t need to apologise," he told me again and I smiled and shrugged. I pulled back so I was straddling his waist and gazed down at him.
"You're beautiful," I noted and I saw him blush. I gently ran my fingertips across his cheek and smiled as the blush deepened. I leant down and caught his bottom lip between mine, placing a tender kiss on his lips. I pulled back and leant my forehead on his, gazing down into his eyes. "I need your help, Nick," I whispered as I saw the love and care he held in his gaze.
"Anything, baby," he whispered and I smiled. I was going to organise this funeral if it's the last thing I do.

The next week passed relatively smoothly. My dad's closest friends, I had phoned to tell them the news, but Nick had volunteered to tell people who I didn't know so well. I had a hard enough time telling everyone as it was, I didn't need to do it hundreds of times to virtual strangers. Everyone expressed their condolences, everyone said how sorry they were. But they were empty words. Nothing they said could really make me feel any better. But I thanked them anyway.

The funeral eventually arrived as I knew it would. I had been asked to say something but I knew, even with Nick sitting in front of me supporting me, I wouldn’t be able to. But, for some reason, I hadn’t been able to say no. "I don't think I can do this," I whispered, looking at myself in the mirror. I was wearing my black suit, white shirt and black tie. Nick was standing behind me, peering round my shoulder as he straightened my tie.
"Yes you can," Nick said softly and I sighed. He'd been here for just over a week and I didn't know how I would have handled things if he hadn’t been here. He had been my rock while I was trying very hard not to drown.
"I can't," I said emphatically, batting his hands away and continuing to look at myself in the mirror. "I can't get up in front of all those people and talk about my dad. I...I can barely talk about him in front of you." Nick slowly walked round me and stood in front of me, taking my hands in his.
"Jesse, no one is going to force you to do this," he told me. "If you don’t want to do it, I'll tell the priest that you can't and it will be okay. But...I think you do want to, you're just scared. But there's no reason to be. You'll get up there and talk about your dad, who you loved very much. No one knew him better than you, only you will truly be able to honour his memory properly."
"You-You'll be there with me?" I asked, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. Nick nodded, cupping my cheek.
"Two steps away, I promise," he whispered. I smiled weakly and nodded. I looked at Nick properly and smiled again, a bit more strongly this time. He looked really handsome in his charcoal gray suit and black shirt. I pulled him against me tightly, burying my face in his shoulder. He was slightly surprised at my suddenness, but instantly wrapped his arms around me.
"Okay," I whispered, grabbing a few notes Nick had helped me make, that included what I wanted to say in my eulogy. "Let's go before I change my mind." Nick smiled softly and nodded, holding my hand tightly.