I'm Frightened That I Won't Be Strong

I wished that Jesse and I had met on better terms. I wished I had come over sooner. Because, although the last week had been great because I was able to just spend time with and hold the boy I loved, it wasn't about us. Our meeting hadn’t been about our relationship and the time we've spent together hasn’t been about our relationship. Not that I mind, obviously, because I want to be here for Jesse and I know this is ridiculously hard for him. But...I know that Jesse and I will always remember the first time we met was because his dad died. And there was no way to change that. I was kind of scared that Jesse would think of the first time we met as a sad occasion – I had to come and look after him because of his dad. And our first meeting shouldn't be sad, I wanted it to be the happiest moment of our lives. Because that's what it was to me – when I laid my eyes on Jesse, and every time I had since I arrived, it was the best time of my life.

As we were driven to the funeral home, Jesse was squeezing my had very tightly. It was slightly painful but I didn't say anything. If I was helping him this way, then I would take anything. We pulled up to a medium sized white building and I looked at it, and the few people gathered outside, for a second before turning back to Jesse. My eyes widened when I saw tears running down his pale cheeks. "I-I can't," he whispered, closing his eyes tight. "I don’t want to say goodbye." My heart was breaking for him. I didn't know what to say except what I'd already said before. I bit my lip and scooted closer to him. He immediately leant against my side, searching for comfort in the contact.
"Jess, it's natural not to want to say goodbye like this," I whispered, closing my eyes and running my fingers through the soft strands of his hair. "But you're not really saying goodbye, baby. Your dad is always going to be with you. I believe he is up there somewhere, watching over you. Just because you can't see him anymore, doesn’t mean he's gone. He's always going to be in here." I moved my hand to cover his chest. I felt like a character in one of those cheesy movies, but I didn't care. It felt right and I knew it's what Jesse needed to hear.
"I miss him," he whispered into my jacket.
"I know," I sighed, tightening my hold on him. After several long minutes, Jesse pulled away and looked into my eyes.
"I love you," he said. His voice was weak and shaky, but there was no doubt in his words.
"I know," I smiled and leant forward to kiss him tenderly. "Are you ready?" I asked, gently wiping away his remaining tears with the pad of my thumb. He nodded softly, keeping his eyes on me.
"Don't let go of my hand," he whispered and I smiled, grasping his hand tightly.
"Promise," I smiled, kissing his cheek. He smiled at me and then we climbed out of the car.

Jesse was hounded with people who he didn't really know and accepted their condolences. I had to admit that I was proud of him. I never let go of his hand, even as people hugged him, just as I'd promised. Not that I would have been able to, as his vice-like grip held me tight. Whenever people came over that he vaguely knew, he would introduce me as his boyfriend, and that made me proud too. But most of the time, people approached him, expressed their sympathies and walked off, leaving very little time for Jesse to even speak, let alone introduce me. But I didn't mind; I was here to take care of Jesse.

The service was small and pleasant – well, as pleasant as a funeral service could be. There were a few hymns, which Jesse had chosen. And then it came time for Jesse's eulogy. And I had to let go of his hand. I bit my lip as his fingers slid from mine, worrying that something would happen. But nothing did. He walked to the front of the small room and turned to face the congregation. I could see how his hands were shaking, and how his eyes were glistened over with tears. I wondered if anyone else would be able to, or if was just because I knew him so well. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. I had butterflies in my stomach for him. Jesse glanced over at me and I gave him a small, reassuring smile. He smiled back weakly and turned to address the whole room. He opened his mouth but was interrupted before he even started, by the doors at the back of the funeral home opening.

I frowned slightly and turned to see a woman in a tight black suit and large black hat walk in, nothing but confidence and arrogance oozing from her. I wanted to glare at her, but she sat down out of my eye line. I turned back to watching Jesse and my eyes widened as I took in his expression. He had gone so pale I thought he was going to faint.