I'm Frightened That I Won't Be Strong

It seemed as though everything froze when she walked into the room. All the blood drained from my face and for a second I thought I would faint, but I quickly shook the feeling away. What was she even doing here? She said she didn't want to come. I looked at her for a few seconds longer, taking in her expressionless face. I hadn’t seen her in years I could hardly remember what she looked like. But I couldn't mistake who she was. She had vanished from my life 18 years ago, when I was only just 2 years old.

I looked away from her and down at the notes that were in my hands. I was even more scared to do this now. Now that she was here, there was even more pressure. I looked over at Nick desperately. He met my gaze, his strong gaze strengthening me. He gave me a small nod and I smiled weakly. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I started speaking. "Edward Blake was my father," I said, managing to fight back the emotion that was fighting hard to get to the surface. "He was one of the kindest and gentlest souls I have ever met. It was an honour to even know him, let alone actually be related to him. It was just me and him when I was growing up. He looked after me as well as he possibly could. He worked exceedingly hard to provide a good childhood for me and I can't adequately express my gratitude for that, but I like to think he knew how thankful I was." I paused and lost the battle against my tears. But I didn't stop speaking despite them falling down my cheeks. "But he wasn't only my dad. He was my best friend. We could talk about anything and everything. He would listen to me when I needed someone to. He listened as I bragged about my first kiss, and looked after me when I got my first broken heart." I smiled weakly and shook my head. "The last 4 years were hard. He continued to fight because he didn't want to leave me here on my own. He cared about everyone else before himself, even if it caused him more pain." I paused to fight back my tears. "Before he...passed he made sure that I wouldn’t be alone once he'd gone. Even up until the last minute, he was making sure that I would be okay. And although my best friend, my dad, has gone, I know this isn’t goodbye." I looked over at Nick and saw he had tears on his cheeks too. I smiled softly and continued to look at him as I spoke. "I know he is watching over me, still looking after me, even though he isn’t here anymore."

I stepped down and immediately moved back to sit next to Nick. All I wanted to do now was curl up with him and sleep. But I couldn't, I still had to talk to people. And then I had to deal with the woman at the back of the room. Nick took my hand once I had sat down again and offered me a tissue. I smiled gratefully at him and took the tissue and dabbed at my eyes. I took a deep, shuddering breath, but I didn't cry anymore. In fact, I even smiled slightly. I felt like I had finally started to let my dad go. Of course, he was never really gone, I had realised that thanks to Nick. But I think I was slowly moving on, slowly coming to accept the fact that my dad had gone. I sighed softly, feeling as though a lead weight had been lifted from my chest and I could finally breathe again. I squeezed Nick's hand tightly and he turned to me. But I didn't say anything, just allowed a small smile to curl my lips as the service came to a close.

Many people approached me and said that my eulogy had been really good. I just smiled and thanked them, slightly uncomfortable. I hadn’t intended for it to be good, I just wanted to express my thoughts on my father.

Eventually, though, I came face to face with my mother. I knew it was coming, but I wasn't prepared for the words that came out of her mouth. The first words my mother had really said to me in nearly 18 years. "I want you to come and live with me." No greeting, no smile. Just a command. My lips parted in shock and my eyes widened. I sensed Nick tensing slightly beside me, but I barely acknowledged it. I was just in pure shock.