Status: complete :)
I'm Frightened That I Won't Be Strong
3.
I sat back on my bed, my heart still racing slightly. I couldn't believe I had actually done that. I had actually phoned him. For a second, I thought it was a huge mistake. I mean, he sounded like he hadn’t wanted anyone to see the message...but then he turned around and asked for my email. I didn't stop to think about all those warnings about talking to strangers. All I knew was that something was drawing me to this boy. I hadn’t even had a proper conversation with him and I was already thinking about him as though we were friends. I sighed as I fell back, my head landing on my pillow, a smile on my lips.
Over the next 2 months, Nick and I chatted via email basically every day. He was quickly becoming one of the best friends I'd ever had...not that I had much to compare to. But I found it so easy to talk to him. We didn't talk on the phone very often – due to the distance it would cost a lot.
Then my dad took a turn for the worse, meaning that I wasn't able to email Nick as much as I'd like, because I was busy looking after my dad. When I decided I wanted to talk to him about my dad, I knew I had to do it over the phone. That wasn't a conversation to have over email. So, late one night, when it would be early evening for Nick, I decided to phone him. "Jesse?" he asked as he answered the phone and I smiled. The few times we spoke on the phone could never prepare me for the sweet melody of his voice.
"Yeah, hey, Nick," I smiled.
"Hey," he smiled back. My heart flipped as I realised that he was smiling simply because I phoned him.
"Um, are you free to talk?" I asked him.
"Yeah, of course," he said, sensing that I wanted to talk seriously. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing really," I said, frowning slightly. I didn't know how to say this, I didn't know how to start it. I'd never had to tell anyone else before, everyone here already knew.
"What is it?" Nick asked again. I could hear the concern in his voice and a small smile worked its way onto my lips.
"I...I don’t really know how to say this..." I said softly. "But I want to tell you."
"Just, take your time," he said softly, reassuringly. "You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to." I smiled and nodded, even though he couldn't see.
"Well, um, the reason I haven’t really been emailing that much recently..." I said slowly. I figure if I did it calmly, slowly, there would be less chance that I would start crying. "My dad has lung cancer and...he's not doing so good at the moment." I could feel the familiar burn in my throat, signalling that I would start crying soon, but I bit it back.
"Oh, Jesse," Nick said softly, "I'm so sorry." I smiled weakly, biting my lip hard. "How is he?"
"Not good," I whispered, falling onto my bed. I wished Nick was here with me, I just wanted someone to hold me, to look after me. "He's been getting worse for the last few years...but he would always bring himself back up. But...he's so weak..." I finished in a whisper. Tears started to trickle down my cheeks, landing on the pillow next to me. "I...I wish you were here," I whispered. I wasn't sure if he had heard me, as he was silent for a few seconds.
"Me too, baby," he whispered back. That was the first time either one of us had used any type of endearment. But it sounded so natural, so nice, that I didn't care one bit.
I suddenly heard someone calling Nick's name in the background and a crazy fear that he would leave – hang up – overcame me and I gripped the phone tighter, as though that would keep Nick with me. "Nick, you're going to be late," I heard a man say and more tears pricked in my eyes at the idea of Nick saying goodbye.
"So I'll be late," he said to the man and I could hear him shrug. "They'll understand." I heard the man mumble something before I heard a door open and shut.
"Do...you need to go?" I asked, hoping he couldn't hear the sadness in my voice.
"No," he said straight away. "I need to stay with you." I smiled weakly and settled back onto my bed. "I'm so sorry about your dad, Jesse." I smiled and sniffed slightly. I knew that if I opened my mouth to reply, I would break down crying. "Do you want me to stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep?" he asked and I felt tears pricking in the corner of my eyes.
"Yes," I whispered but it came out as more of a whimper.
"Okay," he said softly. Just hearing his voice relaxed me. Tears were still threatening to fall, but I held them back. "Jesse," Nick said after a few minutes of silence.
"Hmm," I mumbled, unable to form any more of a response.
"I'm really glad you found my message," he whispered and tingles spread over my body.
"Me, too, Nick," I whispered. I could feel sleep creeping up on me. "I really like you." There was a slight pause and I didn't think he was going to reply. Great, I'd just humiliated myself and-
"I really like you, too," he whispered back and I sighed in relief and then I was asleep.
Over the next 2 months, Nick and I chatted via email basically every day. He was quickly becoming one of the best friends I'd ever had...not that I had much to compare to. But I found it so easy to talk to him. We didn't talk on the phone very often – due to the distance it would cost a lot.
Then my dad took a turn for the worse, meaning that I wasn't able to email Nick as much as I'd like, because I was busy looking after my dad. When I decided I wanted to talk to him about my dad, I knew I had to do it over the phone. That wasn't a conversation to have over email. So, late one night, when it would be early evening for Nick, I decided to phone him. "Jesse?" he asked as he answered the phone and I smiled. The few times we spoke on the phone could never prepare me for the sweet melody of his voice.
"Yeah, hey, Nick," I smiled.
"Hey," he smiled back. My heart flipped as I realised that he was smiling simply because I phoned him.
"Um, are you free to talk?" I asked him.
"Yeah, of course," he said, sensing that I wanted to talk seriously. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing really," I said, frowning slightly. I didn't know how to say this, I didn't know how to start it. I'd never had to tell anyone else before, everyone here already knew.
"What is it?" Nick asked again. I could hear the concern in his voice and a small smile worked its way onto my lips.
"I...I don’t really know how to say this..." I said softly. "But I want to tell you."
"Just, take your time," he said softly, reassuringly. "You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to." I smiled and nodded, even though he couldn't see.
"Well, um, the reason I haven’t really been emailing that much recently..." I said slowly. I figure if I did it calmly, slowly, there would be less chance that I would start crying. "My dad has lung cancer and...he's not doing so good at the moment." I could feel the familiar burn in my throat, signalling that I would start crying soon, but I bit it back.
"Oh, Jesse," Nick said softly, "I'm so sorry." I smiled weakly, biting my lip hard. "How is he?"
"Not good," I whispered, falling onto my bed. I wished Nick was here with me, I just wanted someone to hold me, to look after me. "He's been getting worse for the last few years...but he would always bring himself back up. But...he's so weak..." I finished in a whisper. Tears started to trickle down my cheeks, landing on the pillow next to me. "I...I wish you were here," I whispered. I wasn't sure if he had heard me, as he was silent for a few seconds.
"Me too, baby," he whispered back. That was the first time either one of us had used any type of endearment. But it sounded so natural, so nice, that I didn't care one bit.
I suddenly heard someone calling Nick's name in the background and a crazy fear that he would leave – hang up – overcame me and I gripped the phone tighter, as though that would keep Nick with me. "Nick, you're going to be late," I heard a man say and more tears pricked in my eyes at the idea of Nick saying goodbye.
"So I'll be late," he said to the man and I could hear him shrug. "They'll understand." I heard the man mumble something before I heard a door open and shut.
"Do...you need to go?" I asked, hoping he couldn't hear the sadness in my voice.
"No," he said straight away. "I need to stay with you." I smiled weakly and settled back onto my bed. "I'm so sorry about your dad, Jesse." I smiled and sniffed slightly. I knew that if I opened my mouth to reply, I would break down crying. "Do you want me to stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep?" he asked and I felt tears pricking in the corner of my eyes.
"Yes," I whispered but it came out as more of a whimper.
"Okay," he said softly. Just hearing his voice relaxed me. Tears were still threatening to fall, but I held them back. "Jesse," Nick said after a few minutes of silence.
"Hmm," I mumbled, unable to form any more of a response.
"I'm really glad you found my message," he whispered and tingles spread over my body.
"Me, too, Nick," I whispered. I could feel sleep creeping up on me. "I really like you." There was a slight pause and I didn't think he was going to reply. Great, I'd just humiliated myself and-
"I really like you, too," he whispered back and I sighed in relief and then I was asleep.