I'm Frightened That I Won't Be Strong

I couldn't believe he stood me up. Why would he do that? I was so ready to tell him the truth, to let him in on my biggest secret...and he just... He didn't even answer his phone either. If he'd phoned me or even emailed me to say that he couldn't do it anymore, then that would have been okay. But no...he just...didn't bother. I stayed at my computer for over an hour, waiting for him to log in, in the possibility that he'd got the wrong time or something. He never showed. I'd never been so hurt in my life. I didn't even realise just how much I'd let him into my heart until he broke it.

I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep. I never thought I would do that again. When I first found out about my diabetes, I admit that I cried myself to sleep quite frequently back then. But I hadn’t planned on doing it ever again. And here I was...crying over a boy.

I woke up the next morning to my phone ringing. I groaned and rolled over and picked it up. I looked at the screen and saw Jesse's name. Part of me told me not to answer it, but I didn't listen. "What do you want?" I asked, desperately trying to keep any sign of my heart break from my voice.
"I...I'm sorry," he said, clearly in shock at my greeting.
"Oh, you're sorry?" I asked, more awake now and my anger bubbling to the surface. "Oh that's fine, then. That makes it all better, doesn’t it?"
"Nick, I forgot, okay? And I'm so sorry," he said and all the anger drained out of my only to be replaced with a hurt I'd never imagined feeling.
"You forgot!?" I cried, standing up due to the need to move around. "How could you just forget!?"
"Nick..." he said, his voice getting slightly more agitated. "I said I'm sorry."
"Well I don’t forgive you," I spat angrily. I didn't stop to think that maybe I would regret what I'm saying. "There's no reason for you to just forget! Or do you think you have one? Go on, what's your excuse?"
"My dad fucking died!" he shouted and all the anger went out of me. "There, is that a fucking acceptable excuse?"
"Jesse...I-" I started. Oh, God, no. What have I done?
"Don't bother," he said and hung up.
"Jesse..." I whispered, despite knowing he was no longer on the other end of the call. I never cursed if I could help it, but at that moment, all the curse words I knew were fighting to get out of my mouth. What was I going to do now? He must hate me...and I don’t blame him. God, I knew his dad was sick, why didn't I think before I jumped to conclusions. Jesse wasn't the type to stand me up. Or if it was necessary to, he would have phoned me. I should have known something had happened when he hadn’t answered his phone. He had always answered before.

I sat heavily on my bed, resting my head in my hands as tears coursed down my cheeks and I wallowed in my self-loathing. Only a few minutes later, there was a knock on my door. I made some sort of noise and the door slowly opened to reveal Joe and Kevin standing in the doorway. "Hey, Nick," Kevin said. I nodded vaguely in his direction, hastily wiping away my tears.
"We heard you yelling..." Joe said softly.
"It's nothing," I said quickly, even though it was very obvious it was not nothing. They came and sat either side of me, Joe's arm going around my shoulders reassuringly.
"What happened?" Kevin asked gently.
"Is it about Jesse?" Joe asked and I squeezed my eyes shut before nodding. "What did he do?" Joe asked and I shook my head.
"He didn't do anything," I sighed. "It was me..." Both Kevin and Joe were silent, confused. "He...we were meant to have a webchat date...I was finally ready to tell him who I am...and he stood me up. He phoned just now to apologise...he said he forgot...and I yelled at him."
"That's understandable though," Joe said, frowning slightly. Kevin didn't say anything, knowing there was more.
"He forgot because his dad died," I whispered, hating myself even more because of the way I had acted. "God, I'm a terrible person..."
"No, Nicky," Kevin said, wrapping his arm around me as well. "Don't be so hard on yourself." He said that, but all 3 of us knew I'd made a mistake.
"What am I going to do?" I asked them, desperate for some older brother advice.
"Give it a couple of days," Kevin suggested. "Let him calm down a bit. He's mourning his dad, he probably doesn’t want to deal with this as well." I nodded but then Joe spoke.
"But...maybe he needs Nick to help him dealing with his dad..." he said and I frowned. Both suggestions were valid. What was I supposed to do?
"Try phoning him," Kevin told me. "If he doesn’t answer, you know he wants space." I nodded and picked up my phone, intent on phoning him straight away. Kevin and Joe both stood to leave to give me privacy.
"Wait," I said desperately. "What do I say?"
"Say you're sorry," Joe told me, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah...but after that?" I asked.
"Just see how it goes first," Kevin said and then they shut my door and left.