Status: complete :)
I'm Frightened That I Won't Be Strong
7.
I just stared at my phone once I'd hung up. This was the last thing I needed right now. I needed Nick in my life, I don’t think I could survive losing my dad and my boyfriend in the same day.
About half an hour after I had hung up on Nick, my phone started ringing again. I looked at the screen and watched as Nick's name lit up the screen. My stomach was in knots. I didn't know whether to answer or to just leave it for a while. The ringing ended only to start up again a few seconds later. I sighed and answered my phone holding it to my ear without saying anything. "J-Jesse?" I could hear the desperation in Nick's voice but refused to let him get to me.
"Yeah," I replied shortly.
"Oh, God, Jesse, I'm so, so sorry," Nick said instantly. I could tell by his voice that he was trying hard not to cry. "I don’t even know how to excuse my behaviour...I don’t-"
"Nick," I whispered, interrupting him as my eyes closing tightly. "I...I can't do this right now."
"No, Jesse, p-please, please don’t," he begged. Tears fell from my eyes but I ignored them.
"I've got my d-dad's funeral to o-organise," I said, trying desperately not to break down. "I need to sort out my life for a while. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he whispered. "I understand." We were silent for a few minutes but neither of us was ready to hang up yet. "Jesse?" he asked and I murmured an acknowledgement. "I really am sorry, for everything."
"I know," I whispered, a weak smile pulling at my lips. "I know you are. I'm sorry, too."
"Jesse, you have nothing to be sorry for," Nick said and I smiled weakly. I knew he wouldn’t accept my apology, but I still gave it, I still felt it. "Call me if you need to talk...about anything, okay?"
"Yeah, thanks," I smiled softly. "Nick, can I ask you something?"
"Of course, anything," he said instantly.
"What did you want to tell me...on webchat?" I asked and he didn't reply for a while.
"It was nothing important," he said and my heart fell slightly. "I'll tell you some other time."
"Okay," I said weakly. "I guess I should go. I need to call all my family..." My heart plummeted at the prospect of having to call my mum. I'd never told Nick about my mum, and I wasn't going to start now.
"Okay," Nick sighed. "When's the funeral going to be?"
"Next week sometime," I said but I wasn't really sure. "Probably Thursday."
"Right..." Nick sighed. It was silent for a few seconds and then I heard Nick sniff slightly, making me frown.
"Nick...are you crying?" I asked, fearing the answer. But I didn't even get one. "Nick...?"
"I'm scared to hang up..." he whispered and my heart melted. "I don’t want to lose you."
"Oh, Nicky," I whispered, a small smile tugging at my lips, tears pricking in my own eyes as his heartfelt words. "You're not going to lose me."
"But...after what I said..." he said, his voice revealing how ashamed he was.
"Nicky, I forgive you," I told him, and it was nothing but the truth. "Think of it this way: we had our first fight and we survived it." Nick laughed softly but I knew he was still crying. "I'll speak to you soon, okay?" I asked him softly.
"Just like normal? We'll speak every day?" he asked and I smiled weakly.
"I'll phone you every opportunity I have," I assured him and I heard a small sigh of relief.
"Okay, I'll speak to you soon," he said and I smiled.
"Bye, Nicky," I whispered.
"Bye, Jesse," he whispered back and then we both hung up.
About half an hour after I had hung up on Nick, my phone started ringing again. I looked at the screen and watched as Nick's name lit up the screen. My stomach was in knots. I didn't know whether to answer or to just leave it for a while. The ringing ended only to start up again a few seconds later. I sighed and answered my phone holding it to my ear without saying anything. "J-Jesse?" I could hear the desperation in Nick's voice but refused to let him get to me.
"Yeah," I replied shortly.
"Oh, God, Jesse, I'm so, so sorry," Nick said instantly. I could tell by his voice that he was trying hard not to cry. "I don’t even know how to excuse my behaviour...I don’t-"
"Nick," I whispered, interrupting him as my eyes closing tightly. "I...I can't do this right now."
"No, Jesse, p-please, please don’t," he begged. Tears fell from my eyes but I ignored them.
"I've got my d-dad's funeral to o-organise," I said, trying desperately not to break down. "I need to sort out my life for a while. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he whispered. "I understand." We were silent for a few minutes but neither of us was ready to hang up yet. "Jesse?" he asked and I murmured an acknowledgement. "I really am sorry, for everything."
"I know," I whispered, a weak smile pulling at my lips. "I know you are. I'm sorry, too."
"Jesse, you have nothing to be sorry for," Nick said and I smiled weakly. I knew he wouldn’t accept my apology, but I still gave it, I still felt it. "Call me if you need to talk...about anything, okay?"
"Yeah, thanks," I smiled softly. "Nick, can I ask you something?"
"Of course, anything," he said instantly.
"What did you want to tell me...on webchat?" I asked and he didn't reply for a while.
"It was nothing important," he said and my heart fell slightly. "I'll tell you some other time."
"Okay," I said weakly. "I guess I should go. I need to call all my family..." My heart plummeted at the prospect of having to call my mum. I'd never told Nick about my mum, and I wasn't going to start now.
"Okay," Nick sighed. "When's the funeral going to be?"
"Next week sometime," I said but I wasn't really sure. "Probably Thursday."
"Right..." Nick sighed. It was silent for a few seconds and then I heard Nick sniff slightly, making me frown.
"Nick...are you crying?" I asked, fearing the answer. But I didn't even get one. "Nick...?"
"I'm scared to hang up..." he whispered and my heart melted. "I don’t want to lose you."
"Oh, Nicky," I whispered, a small smile tugging at my lips, tears pricking in my own eyes as his heartfelt words. "You're not going to lose me."
"But...after what I said..." he said, his voice revealing how ashamed he was.
"Nicky, I forgive you," I told him, and it was nothing but the truth. "Think of it this way: we had our first fight and we survived it." Nick laughed softly but I knew he was still crying. "I'll speak to you soon, okay?" I asked him softly.
"Just like normal? We'll speak every day?" he asked and I smiled weakly.
"I'll phone you every opportunity I have," I assured him and I heard a small sigh of relief.
"Okay, I'll speak to you soon," he said and I smiled.
"Bye, Nicky," I whispered.
"Bye, Jesse," he whispered back and then we both hung up.