As I Lie Down, Sore and Sick

I make it to the graveyard and carefully walk in between tombstones until I reach yours. I sit down next to you and trace my fingers over the engraved words:

Vaine Rhys Davies
November 18, 1991 – May 20, 2010
A true friend, brother, and son.
Always took care of the people around him.
We will miss you.

I sigh and take out the pen that I carry every day now and start to write:

Dear Vaine,

May 20th, my birthday. I’ll never forget how excited I was to see you, to finally be 17, then when I made it to your house, I was numb. I didn’t know what was going on and I couldn’t breathe when they came out with a black body bag, your sisterand father watching from the sidelines.

You were only a few months shy of turning 19 when you were rudely taken away. I miss a lot about you since you’ve gone. I miss those dark brown eyes of yours. The way your hair would surround your face as the wind blew, if we were outside. The way your rough fingers felt in between mine. How you had the brightest smile out of anyone I’d ever known. I wish I still had the real thing, the true thing. I wish I still had you.

But I know that will never happen, so that’s why I come here everyday. That’s why I put myself right beside you. Do like that? Do you like that I’m here to see you, to say hi, so you won’t get lonely. I felt the wind Vaine, and I know it was you. I’m glad that I’m keeping you company.

I don’t want you to feel alone. I don’t want you to feel that you aren’t loved, because you are. I’ve always loved you, and still do. You will always have my heart, always. Vaine, do you still love me, even though you’re gone? The wind, it was stronger this time. It’s nice to know that you do. I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t love me anymore. My love is your love. This love is the last time that you could love.

I wish I could feel your soft lips on mine, you holding me. I wish I could hear your laugh, the way you called my name. I wish I could see your breath-taking face, your gorgeous smile. I wish I could have it all back again, even if for just once. But all I’m left with is the feeling that my body, my mind, my soul, is just about to break. I’m writing my place, Vaine, my place in your diary, The Diary of Vaine.

I’m glad you stood up for your sister. Macy’s such a sweetheart andyour dad he shouldn’t have ever gone near her. Should’ve never hit her, but did you have to die? Did you have to leave everyone; her, me, behind? All I have the energy for to do now-a-days, is lie in my room. It gets harder and harder everyday to eat, because I don’t. So when people offer me something, I always tell them I ate already. I think they’re starting to notice, I’ve gotten way too skinny. I never go out with our friends anymore. Everything they want to do reminds me of us, of what we used to do, where we would go to hang out. So I just lie down, always sore and sick. I don’t think that’s okay with you, is it. No wind, I figured.

I love you, I do. Yet, sometimes, it just seems to be so much easier to be angry with you. To blame you for the way I am, to hate you because you left me. I don’t want to be without you. I don’t want to walk around every day and not get a text or call. I don’t want to live forever and not hear your voice again, you telling me you love me. But I figured it out, why I feel this way. There’s a fine line between love and hate. I don’t mind though, I like that fact. I’m mad at you…for now, but I’ll get over it. The love, though, that’ll be there for a very long time. It will conquer over the hate.

I wish I could feel your soft lips on mine, you holding me. I wish I could hear your laugh, the way you called my name. I wish I could see you breath-taking face, your gorgeous smile. I wish I could have it all back again, even if for just once. But all I’m left with is the feeling that my body, my mind, my soul, is just about to break. I’m writing my place, Vaine, my place in your diary, The Diary of Vaine.

I’m reading through all your old entries. Your words leave me in a trance, their meaning harsh, beautiful, and true. I burn another page, etch it into my mind. If someone ever found this, and destroyed it, I would never forget a word. I’d have something of you, something that’s non-replaceable, from when you were still alive. I’m writing my place, Vaine, my place in your diary, The Diary of Vaine.

Everyone’s left me. I’ve been shut down for too long, and they gave up. There’s no one to hang out with me, to talk to me, to love me, anymore. You took almost all of me with you. Now, as I think back, I felt the need to hurry to your house. It was as if I had to see you desperately or I’d never get to say goodbye, but I didn’t hurry fast enough. I wasn’t able to get there in time, before he killed you, before you left me for good. I never got to say goodbye, or I love you. To hear you tell me you love me.

I stayed, standing in front of your house for hours, my feet felt glued to the grass. I tried to leave so many times, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave knowing that you’d never greet me out here again. Knowing that this house, and everywhere you had gone, would now feel cold, empty. They wouldn’t hold the warm, happy presence that wrapped around you. As it started to hit me though, that you were really gone, the cold crept its way to me. I ran before it could surround me and I’m sorry for that. I wanted to stay longer but I was afraid.

I used to think that, when people said they’d die for someone, they were insane. Then I met you, and everything changed. You had me wrapped around your finger, but you never took that for granted. You treated me right, always a gentleman wherever we were at. For you, I would do anything, be anything, just to make you happy. I would die, for you. For you only, my love.

I wish I could feel your soft lips on mine, you holding me. I wish I could hear your laugh, the way you called my name. I wish I could see you breath-taking face, your gorgeous smile. I wish I could have it all back again, even if for just once. But all I’m left with is the feeling that my body, my mind, my soul, is just about to break. I’m writing my place, Vaine, my place in your diary, The Diary of Vaine.

I’m reading through all your old entries. Your words leave me in a trance, their meaning harsh, beautiful, and true. I burn another page, etch it into my mind. If someone ever found this, and destroyed it, I would never forget a word. I’d have something of you, something that’s non-replaceable, from when you were still alive. I’ve gotten out my thoughts. I’m starting to let go, but I won’t forget you. It will still be awhile before I can let someone in, but I’m going to try. I hope you don’t mind. Would it be okay if I loved someone else? Leaves fly up around me, swirling in circles everywhere. Maybe, when I’m ready, I’ll bring that someone here to meet you...This is my place, Vaine, my place in your diary, The Diary of Vaine.

I Love You,
Alexi

I close your diary and place it in front of your grave for you to read. I stand up, press my lips to my fingertips, and press them onto your name.

“I love you, Vaine.” I whisper for only you to hear.

I’m walking away when a gush of wind flies at me, and I swear I can hear softly, distorted and quiet but there, your voice whispering to me, I love you too, Alexi. I smile and, with that goodbye, make my way out of the entrance to the graveyard, leaving the old Alexi, the old me, behind with the closing of the gate.