Do You Remember Me?

Hey, Malachy.

Do you remember me? I'm sure you probably do. It's a silly question, now that I think about it. I just wanted to write you this note, because I've been doing a lot of thinking and I really need to get it all out. I have a lot of time to think now, and, although I don't mean to upset you, no one to voice my thoughts to. I know you'll never read this, but you're the only person I could ever imagine listening to my problems. You see, we may be on totally different planes now, but I really needed to just feel close to you for one last time. Being dead is a very lonely affair.

You see, when somebody dies, people always crowd around the loved ones. The boyfriend or the girlfriend, the parents, the siblings, the friends and neighbours. Everyone automatically assumes that these are the only people who have suffered a loss. The person they have lost is dead, they are unaware of what has happened to them. But that's not the case. I lost you, Malachy. I lost everyone I ever loved, but you ... you were so special. And now I'm dead, I really don't know how I'm going to cope. They say there's a better place further on, that I'm only here because I have unfinished business. To be honest, I can't imagine any place being better than at home, with you.

I'm grieving, Mal. I know you're grieving for me, but does anyone ever think that we, the dead, can grieve too? The whole point people grieve when people die is because they know that they're never going to see that person again in their earthly life. But then, they don't think that the same applies for us. I'm stuck here, and while you have friends and family to gather around you and help you through this horrible time, I have no one. I don't know anyone here, and I'm scared. I mean, I don't feel threatened, but I do feel frightened.

I just miss you so much. I can't believe I've lost you in such a horrible way. I miss the way you would smile when you saw me, and I miss the way you would do anything just to cheer me up, even if that meant you had to do something completely silly. I can't believe that it's going to be years and years until I see you again, and then I'll have to lose you all over again because you'll be different. You'll be an old man, a grandfather, and I'll be the eighteen-year-old who was wiped out one tragic Saturday night. Will you recognize me? Will you want to speak to me, or will I have to take a step back and leave you alone? Of course, I would do anything as long as it meant that you were happy, that you were content. But thin about it. When someone dies the living lose them once. We die, and that's it. You mourn and you move on.

For us, it's different. It's worse, if I dare say so. We have to lose you twice. We have to lose you initially, where we realize that we're dead and everything that we've ever known is gone. You don't realize how fragile life is until you have that horrible sensation of realizing that your soul is drifting while your body is six feet under, so far away.

And then, we have to lose you a second time, as we watch you grow while we're stuck as we are the day we died. Then, when you finally get here, we have to swallow all of that hope and excitement because we don't want to mess things up for you. We just have to simply accept that you're different, and whoever we loved, we've lost.

But you ... you get the comfort of forever having me as I was. Forever remembering the way my hair used to brush against you or the way my laugh would sound over the phone. It brings you comfort. But when I remember the way your arms felt as you wrapped them around me, or the flutter in my stomach when I saw I had a text from you, or the sheer excitement and love I felt when you pressed your lips against mine ... it just makes it hurt so much more.

I miss you. More than you could ever know, I miss you. I know I've lost you now, and you've lost me. But I just hope that one day we'll be able to know each other exactly how we used to. I pray for that day.

Until then, I love you, Malachy. I always have. I think I loved you before I even knew you. I aways will love you. Things will be hard, and as much as it pains me to watch you move on without me, I want you to know that, if ever you need me, I'm right there. Put your hand out, and I'll hold it. Move over in bed, I'll lie there. Talk to me, laugh with me. I know I'll be laughing back. When you're strong enough to go on, I'll let you. But I will always love you, and if ever you want a moment with me again, I'll be there. It's not the same, I know. But at the moment, it's the best I can do.

I love you. With all my heart, I love you.
Eimear
xxxx