Mutiny Below

Jayce

I could hear the two boys stumbling into the apartment. I closed my eyes as their voices echoed off the walls. Nick was back. I guess I should have expected that. He couldn’t stay away forever. I sniffled and wiped at my eyes before I stood up from the kitchen table. John walked in first and his eyes widened when he saw me.

“Baby! I missed you.” He rushed toward me and wrapped his warm arms around me. I choked up when I could smell the strong smoke on him. “Everybody missed you.” He mumbled into my shoulder while I put my arms around his waist. I hummed in response.

That was about all I could do. Nod or shake my head and on the occasion nod.

“Hey Jayce.” Nick managed to put an emphasis on my name that forced me to look at him. He stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame with a small smile playing on his lips. “You feeling any better?”

I just stared at him blankly, blinking. How could he be so normal after everything?

There was a long moment of silence before John sighed. “I’m going to bed.” He grumbled before shuffling his feet out of the room. I didn’t blame him for giving up on me. I wasn’t worth his time.

I hugged myself tight as I felt Nick’s eyes burn into my skin. I felt like I could cry again, if I had the energy. My body started to tremble and shake.

“Jayce,” he started, softer and more personal now that we were alone. I flinched away from him and took another step back. “Jayce, what’s going on?”

I kept my eyes on the wall, examining the cheap paint.

“Is this because of what I said? In the car? I mean, I expected you to freak out but this …” he trailed off and took one step toward me. I took two more steps back and he sighed. “John says you haven’t talked in days.”

That’s because I can’t lie anymore.

“You’re eyes are lifeless Jayce and … and I don’t like it.” He spoke a little more firmly and I glanced at him briefly. He wasn’t looking at me anymore, but instead he was staring at the poor paint job too. “You’re beautiful Jayce. You really are, in every sense. But it’s almost like what I said took the life out of you, or it just seems that way. Maybe you could nod or blink twice if this whole shutting off thing is because of me that way I know …”

I nodded slowly and he sighed heavily.

“Yeah, I figured. Listen, I meant what I said but if it’s going to kill everything about you that I love,” I flinched, “then I take it back. Okay? I just want you to be happy Jayce. I think you would be happier with me, but I can’t make that decision for you. You can have John.” His nonchalance was forced. “You can stay here with your family dinners and your precious three year anniversary and live in your lifeless relationship. Go ahead, Jayce. Pick John.” He harshly spat and then turned around. On his way out of the kitchen he slammed his palm on the doorway frame.

I frowned as I watched his back. He went straight through the living room and a few moments later the front door slammed too. I bit my bottom lip as I thought over his words.

Pick John. Like it was a choice. Nick or John. It had always been John. I’d said that up front. I loved John though I certainly didn’t deserve him.

I was still dissecting the one-way conversation when John came back into the kitchen. His shirt was off and he’d changed into some shorts. His ruffled hair gave it away that he’d already been in bed.

“Was that Nick?”

I nodded.

“Why’d he bang the door?”

I shrugged.

He sighed. “Will you come to bed with me?” He sounded so sad and lonely.

I nodded again and walked to him, finding myself fitting perfectly against his side. His arm wrapped around me securely as we walked down the hall and toward our bedroom.

He got in bed first. I went to the closet and changed, feeling awkward in the silence. John and I had never had an awkward moment between us since he’d introduced himself three years ago. That was part of what made our relationship so natural. We just merged together.

But maybe that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. Maybe we were supposed to be separate, instead. Something in me longed for Nick and I couldn’t deny that. Maybe something in John longed for someone else too. Maybe we were meant to be just friends.

I ended the thoughts right there as I tiptoed to the bed. If I doubted John at this point, my whole system would fall to pieces. John was my stable point. He kept me sane.

I sickened myself as I cuddled up to him and fell asleep imagining he was Nick.