Mutiny Below

Jayce

“Partying, partying, yeah! Partying, partying, yearh!” I rolled my eyes and then glared hard over at Adam. He had been singing the same line from the same annoying song for about the past hour and it was driving me too insane.

“Adam!” I screeched and watched as he snickered. I just smirked back at him. “I know you don’t get to go to many parties around campus because you’re way too much of a nerd, but please, for everyone’s sake … calm the fuck down!” I yelled the last bit and threw a pillow from the couch at him. He laughed hard.

“Who exactly are you calling a nerd? I mean, if you could refresh my memory, and tell me which of us has that Star Wars lunch box collection back at mom and dad’s?” I snorted and turned my attention from him back to the couch.

“Uh, that would be you, nerd.” I continued to pick up the pillows from the couch and toss them to Adam.

“Damn. I guess I really can’t win that fight, huh?” He placed the pillows at his feet and then picked the couch sham up from the coffee table, helping me to place it over the couch.

“Not really, dearest brother.” I grinned as we fixed the couch and then hid the pillows in the bedroom closet. Next we took the breakable items out of the living room and also hid them in the bedroom closet. Adam was carrying a slightly heavy lamp to the room when he broke our odd silence.

“So, where’s John again?” I bit my lip on instinct.

“Oh, uh, he went over to his parents. You know, see the fam before they head off for tour and all.” I shrugged and followed him with a few expensive picture frames in my hands.

“Why didn’t you go with him?” He was just curious, but all his questions were hitting in the places I didn’t want to focus on.

“Someone had to make this place party worthy.” I mumbled as I placed the frames in the closet and avoided Adam’s stare.

“You know you could have just asked and I could have done that. I mean, it doesn’t take a college major to hide the fancy things from the drunks. I could do it.” He chuckled at his smart remark while I just shrugged again. “Doesn’t Mrs. Oh, like, love you like her own child and maybe slightly more than John himself?”

I couldn’t help but giggle at that. “Yeah, yeah, she does.” I smiled to myself as I sat on the bed and looked around the room. John and I didn’t have much that needed to be hid in our bedroom. Only picture frames were missing, making the room seem less personal, less stuffy.

Adam sat next me and waited half a second before he sighed. “So, I know this is kind of like the taboo subject, but uh …. where’s Nick? I thought he was staying with you guys.”

I inhaled slowly, keeping everything inside. “He’s spending the day with Nat. She goes home tomorrow and he goes on tour day after that.” I could see him nodding from the corner of my eye.

“Is uh – well, uh – shit. Is everything okay, Jayce?” He placed his hand on the middle of my back and I could feel the warmth from it. I leaned into his side and let my head rest on his shoulder.

“I’m gonna miss him, Adam. I’m gonna miss him so much.” The words couldn’t even compare to how desperate and empty I felt, but Adam could guess the depth. He squeezed me to him and let me stay there for a while.

Finally, the front door opened and closed and both Adam and I got up. It was Gemma and Kennedy coming over to help get the party started. I buried my unsettling emotions and just let myself giggle with Gemma as we picked on the boys.

Hours later and people starting showing up. It wasn’t like a slow trickle of guests, like most Tempe parties people showed up in packs. If you blinked, you’d miss everyone’s arrival. John still wasn’t back but I managed to distract myself by introducing Adam to everyone, even though he knew most of them.

My heart nearly stopped when Nick and Eric and Nat walked in. He was so damn casual about it and not dressed up in the least, but god was he still overly gorgeous. I squeezed Adam’s hand when I first saw him and then tried to throw myself the conversation with Max and Tim.

It only worked for a few more minutes. When I glanced back over though, Nick was gone as was Eric, leaving just Nat standing on her own. I gave a slight smile before quickly going over and grabbing her wrist, dragging her over to Adam.

“Nat, this is my brother, Adam. Adam, this is Nick’s sister, Natalia.” I tilted my head and Adam widened his eyes at me. I prayed he didn’t mention Nick, even though I did.

“So you’re the one dating Mouth Breather.” He smirked and chuckled as Natalia nodded and smiled sheepishly.

I rolled eyes though I was so entirely thankful for his easy going comment. I lightly smacked his arm and gave him a sneaky thankful smile. “Stop calling him that. He doesn’t like it.”

“I wonder why.” Adam rolled his eyes and smirked. I fake glared at him and he stuck his tongue out.

“And I wonder why you don’t have a girlfriend at all.” I put my hands on hips and he rolled his eyes again.

“I focus too much on school. Isn’t that what you’re always telling me?” I giggled and pushed him slightly, only just noticing that Nat had subtly walked off.

“Did you see where Nat went?” I stood on my tip toes and scanned the crowd, as if that would help.

“No, but I do see who just walked through the door.” He elbowed me in my side and I opened my mouth to make a smart remark about his bony arms when I glanced toward the door and saw John. My mouth closed. Adam cleared his throat. “Why don’t you go say hi.” He pushed me toward the door and I gave him a small smile before I timidly took the steps to my boyfriend.

“John!” I yelled when I was close enough and his head snapped immediately. He opened his arms and gave me a weak smile before I crashed into him.

“Hey Babe,” he kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back. “Looks like the parties already in full swing, yeah?” I nodded and kept my arm around his waist as I stepped to the side.

“Hey John! You excited for tour?” One of our classmates came up and shook hands with John. I knew John was annoyed but he pretended to be happy to see the kid. They talked shortly, before Jared interrupted by asking the kid how his folks were. I snickered as John grabbed my hand and pulled me away from most of the ruckus, meaning we were in the kitchen.

“My mom says she misses you.” He spoke in my ear once we made it to the quieter area. His lips brushed against my cheek and formed a smirk as he pulled away from me. “She wants you to come over after we leave, you know, so you girls can cry over losing me and all.”

I grinned and played along. “Oh how sorrowful we shall be.” I put my hand to my forehead and tried to look sad. “Woe is me!” I yelled and then snickered as he rolled his eyes. He pulled me to him by my waist and snuggled his face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let my eyes wander to the glass doors that led out back.

“I wish you were coming.” He squeezed me and I laced my fingers into his hair.

“I’ll come see you.” I gave a half promise and rested my forehead on his shoulder.

He slowly pulled away, keeping his arms loosely around me. His eyes locked with mine and his mouth barely turned up into somewhat of a smile. It didn’t have to be said, both of our minds were thinking the same thing. It won’t be the same. I gave him a wink, trying to smooth things over, and he smiled a little bigger.

We stayed quiet for a while. He pulled me to the backdoor and we stood there, watching the beer pong game going on. I didn’t even recognize the kids playing. I leaned into him and wished things were better for us.

The party continued as always. Even if our relationship was dying, the party would continue nevertheless. I eventually shuffled outside and partnered with Kennedy for beer pong. John stayed inside and mingled. I got sight of Nick in the kitchen a few times but I tried ignoring it.

Kennedy and I won two rounds before I gave in, letting Gemma take my place. I stumbled back into the apartment and made it to the living room. I wasn’t drunk, by far, but I was light headed so I went to the front door and took a few steps outside. I sat in the grass and pulled my knees up, placing my head on them.

The door opened and closed behind me. I was upset that my alone time was interrupted, but then I heard the chuckle and felt him sit beside me in the grass. I shifted so I was looking over at him with my head still resting on my knees. Nick grinned before placing a cigarette in his mouth.

“Where’s the party queen?” His voice was smug as he produced a lighter from one of his pockets.

I sighed and watched him closely, not bothering to be embarrassed or careful about it. No one was around to notice anyway. “She wasn’t invited.” He snorted at that, just before he got his cigarette to light.

He inhaled sharply and then held it in for a few seconds before exhaling slowly. He stared back at me intensely the entire time. “Who was invited then?”

I shrugged. “Just Jayce, I guess.”

“Just Jayce.” He nodded and took another hit before leaning closer. “I like just Jayce. She’s quirky, but sweet.” I rolled my eyes.

“She’s stupid.” I muttered and leaned over enough to rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m not going to get the chance to tell you later on so ….. just so you know, I’ll miss you.”

He put his arm around my shoulders and his head on top of mine. “I’m going to miss you too. But I can promise you, Jayce, this isn’t the end. I will see you again and goddammit I will kiss you again.” I couldn’t help but smile and slightly giggle as he chuckled.

I sat up and looked over at him. Seeing his shining green eyes and that genuine look on his face made me giggle more. I shook my head. “You are so going to get us into trouble.”

“Doesn’t matter, Nolan. It’ll happen.” There was a firmness in his words that gave me shivers. I smiled and he smiled back, just savoring the moment.

And then the door opened again. Both Nick and I turned our attention toward the apartment. Eric stood there looking absolutely horrified. “Nick! I’ve been looking for you, man.” He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. “Nat’s freaking out.”

I glanced at Nick and he automatically went into older brother mode. He stood up and followed Eric quickly while I trialed behind. I bit my bottom lip as we pushed through the living room. No one seemed to notice that something was wrong until we reached the kitchen. The focus was on Natalia and John, oddly enough. I furrowed my eyebrows. They didn’t even notice everyone was watching.

“I-I’m sorry, Natalia …. But Jayce is my girlfriend and-,” he avoided her eyes but she cut him off fast.

“Don’t give me that argument!” She stomped her foot for emphasis. I wondered how on earth his argument was me. But then she continued and the whole room got even quieter if possible. “You kissed me, remember? Besides, it’s not like she’s been faithful to you either.” She spat the sentence and my heart dropped.

I didn’t even know how to process what was going on. I just stared.

“You are so fucking blind, John! You still haven’t even noticed that Jayce and Nick have been sneaking around behind everyone’s backs since we got to Arizona!” Nat was full on yelling by now.

My heart beat sped up as my eyes locked with John’s. I barely saw Natalia run from the room with Eric and Nick following her. All I could focus on was the bewildered yet broken expression on John’s face. I felt like we were both frozen until he shook his head and walked out the back door.

It took all I had to ignore the faces around my own kitchen and follow him. I couldn’t feel my hands or feet or really anything attached to my body. My pulse was still rushing and everything was relatively warm. The backyard was mostly empty. The table set up for beer pong had been abandoned. There were a few couples milling around and mumbling.

I found John sitting on the back porch with his head in his hands. I slowly walked toward him and sat, leaving a foot or so between us. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

John, on the other hand, was far braver than I. He cleared his throat and raised his head, staring into the dark yard. “How long has it been?”

I chewed on my bottom lip, unsure how to answer or if to answer. It didn’t take but a few seconds for realization to hit me. He already knew. He deserved to know all of it. “Last year, when we had that big fight and called it quits for those few weeks, Nick was visiting. I was drunk and he didn’t know about us so we slept together. I thought that was it when he left, but when he came back there was still … tension, I guess. About two weeks later, it happened again.”

“You’ve been fucking him behind my back for two months.”

I glanced at him. “I cut things off after my accident.”

“Because you couldn’t deal with the guilt anymore?” Venom laced his tone.

“Because you deserved better.” I pushed my hair away from my face and sighed again. “I know I messed up in probably the biggest way possible and I am truly sorry for it, John. You’ve always been this amazing person to me and I just screwed around, like everyone told you I would.” I added bitterly and it was the first time John had actually looked at me since being out here. Sadly, he was glaring.

“Don’t start the pity party now, Jayce.” He grumbled and I bit my bottom lip hard.

“I wasn’t trying to.” I muttered under my breath. “I was just trying to apologize. Though I doubt it’ll do any good.”

John was dead quiet while we just sat there, the minutes going by. The few people that were out back with us left. The inside thumping got softer. I hated just sitting there with my thoughts and the quiet and with John. It was all too much.

I finally stood up and ran my hands through my hair. “Will you please say something, John? Yell at me or call me a bitch, something.”

“Well I don’t know what to say, Jayce.” He threw his hands up and then brought them down so they smacked his thighs. “I just found out my girlfriend of two years has been sleeping around behind my back. What do you want me to say?”

“I gave some suggestions. Call me a bitch and get some anger out.” I shrugged as I crossed my arms. Hearing that word come from John’s mouth would hurt. I deserved it, sure, but God I wished he wouldn’t listen to me.

John’s shoulders hunched forward. “I don’t want to do that. I’m not angry.” I frowned and so did he. “At least, I don’t think I’m angry. I really don’t fucking know what to do. I mean, you’re sleeping with Nick, I kissed Natalia.” He shook his head and licked his lips before looking up at me with these sad eyes. “When exactly did this relationship stop?”

I bit my lip and thought about his question. It was something that hadn’t really occurred to me before, but now that he’d said it, I just couldn’t get a grip on it. Had we really been in a perfect relationship before Nick? Everyone said so. John made me happy, but then he still did. It just wasn’t in a way like Nick did.

“I mean, why didn’t you tell me you slept with someone while we were separated? Were things awful then too?”

“Things were never awful, John. I was awful, but things between us have never been awful.” I gave a half smile. “You make things easy, and comfortable. You accept people whole heartedly and love without really holding back. You’re perfect.”

“Jayce,” just by the way he said it, I knew what he was thinking. He was going to argue about how he was human and had faults and wasn’t pretty all the time. But he was so wrong.

“No, John. You are perfect. I’m the one that screwed things up. I slept with someone else,” I still cringed at the words. “I lied to everyone and I’m terrified that I’ve broken your heart.” I bit my bottom lip as I watched him.

His eyes shifted as he processed something that I had said. I just wasn’t sure which part. “So, no one knew about this except you and Nick?”

I sighed. That was not the part I thought he was processing on, or hoping. “Adam knows. Knew.” I corrected and then went to sit down beside him again. “He noticed my mood swings and sat me down while we were over at our parents. I told him everything.”

John shook his head. “I didn’t notice anything.”

“Well I was trying to hide all of it.” I said slowly. It almost sounded like he was trying to make himself feel guilty.

“Adam noticed. He sees you once a week and talks to you maybe two or three times a week. I live with you and share my life with you and I didn’t even notice.”

“John,” he started shaking his head more.

“I thought your parents had said something about us again and that was why you went comatose for those few days. I didn’t even push it.” His face went pale. “Oh god, I pushed you into Nick for that.” His head fell into his hands again and he gripped his hair.

“Technically Nick pushed you into pushing me into him.” I grimaced. I should not have said that.“I’m sorry.”

“This is so fucking messed up.” He mumbled and my heart fell. We were silent again and I hated it. I looked around our back yard, the sorrow and desperation of our situation just filling up every inch of the emptiness.

My thoughts went over the scene from earlier. I wondered how Natalia was. She had looked so hurt and upset as she was yelling. But then she was going on about … I turned to John uncertainly and opened my mouth. It closed as I faced forward again. I could only sit quiet for a few more seconds before I just rambled. “So, you kissed Nat?”

John glared at me. “That’s what you want to bring up?” He sounded more than bitter now.

“I was just curious. I mean I heard Nat and then you said it yourself.” I shrugged and trailed off.

“It was an accident.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. I wasn’t quite sure how kissing became an accident, but I thought I knew why. “Maybe,” I started and then bit my tongue. Once the words came out, I wouldn’t be able to put them back in.

“Maybe what, Jayce?” He asked me to finish, annoyance taking over his whole demeanor.

“Maybe we just fell out of love with each other.” It sounded so lame. It sounded worse than lame. But some part of me just felt like it was the truth. He stayed quiet and the other part of me felt like he knew it was true too.

John wiped his palms on his jeans and stood up. “Maybe you’re fucking right, Jayce. I don’t god damn know and honestly, I don’t care right now. I’m gonna go.” He ruffled his hair.

My mouth opened but again, there weren’t words to come out. I couldn’t beg him to stay. His eyes met with mine for a few moments and I closed my mouth slowly. I gave a small nod before dragging my eyes away. I stared at the darkness as he stood there for a while longer.

My heart sunk when I heard his feet shuffle toward the apartment. The door opened and stayed opened, letting the sounds of the slowly dying party drift outside with me. I chewed on my bottom lip as I listened to other people having a great time while my insides went completely numb.

It was my worst fear come to life. John was gone. And more than likely, he was gone for good. I closed my eyes and worked on steadying my breathing.

I don’t know how long I sat there or when the tears really started to fall, but I didn’t open my eyes until a hand gently squeezed my shoulder. When I looked up, I found Adam with the most sympathetic expression. It made me sick all over.

I sniffled and wiped at my cheeks before opening my mouth. “I don’t want to be here.” My voice cracked and the tears came quicker.

“It’s okay, Jayce.” He softly hushed me as he bent down to hug me. His arms tightened around my waist as he pulled me up from the ground. “I’ll kick everybody out and then we’ll go somewhere, all right?”

“Yeah,” I exhaled and wiped uselessly at my eyes again. I cracked a little smile as he went back inside and I could hear him yelling at people, probably drunk people. I kept my back to the door, not wanting to see any of the familiar faces.

Course, that didn’t stop some idiot from coming outside anyway. I bit my lip, keeping my tear stained face and red eyes away from whoever was intruding. That is, until he talked.

“I saw John leave.” Nick started and I bit down on my lip harder. “He took his bag for tour.”

I ignored the cracks in my chest that got bigger from his words. Instead of focusing on myself and my own worries, I pushed myself to be brave. “How, uh, how’s Nat doing?” I scrubbed at my face some more, hoping the damage done from my crying wasn’t too awful.

Nick frowned for a moment. “She’s okay.” I glanced at him and watched as he ran his hands through his hair. “First time with alcohol isn’t really fun, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s real sorry, too. She wouldn’t have said anything—,”

“I know.” I finally turned toward him and gave a small smile. “I know she is, but she really shouldn’t. She did what I didn’t have the guts to do.”

“Jayce,” I shook my head to make him stop.

“It’s fine. Really. John and I are,” I faltered. “We’re,” my throat got tighter. It’s not that hard, just say it! “It’s o—,” My voice started to shake again. I stopped and just stared at him. It apparently was that hard.

“You don’t have to be tough, Jayce. It’s just me.” He took a step closer and as soft as his words were, I still broke down.

The tears slowly slipped from my eyes as I bit my lip to keep all the sobs in. Nick frowned and closed the space between us completely, pulling me into him. My arms went around his neck as I buried my face in his shoulder, crying helplessly into his shirt.

He rubbed my back and kissed my head and temple over and over. It was comforting in a way that couldn’t be compared to anything else. His arms were secure around me and his warmth was soothing. I didn’t want to move ever again.

“Hey guys,” Adam’s voice brought me back to reality. I slightly pulled away from Nick to look back at him. He gave me a crooked grin. “Everybody’s gone now.” He put his hands in his pockets and shifted his attention between me and Nick. “Are you ready, Jayce?”

Nick’s eyebrow’s raised as he turned to me. “Ready?” He repeated and I sighed.

“Would you pack me a bag, real quick Adam?” My voice was steady but low. Adam nodded and then gave Nick a look before he went back into the apartment. I could feel Nick’s eyes still on me, ever so curious. There was still an amount of comfort with his hands on my sides, but it wasn’t as easy as before. I stared at his shirt while I spoke. “I’m going to go to Phoenix for a few days. I’m not sure where I’ll be, but uh, I just,” I paused and closed my eyes for a moment. I composed myself and looked back up at him. “I can’t stay here.”

He sighed and rested his forehead on mine. “Not even if you stay with me?”

“No.” I whispered as I closed my eyes. “I have to do this.”

“I figured.” He brought his hands up from my sides to cup my face, tilting it up so I would look at him. “Will you come to the airport tomorrow, to take Nat home? I know she’d like to see you before she leaves.”

“I don’t think she’d—,”

“She will, Jayce. Trust me.”

I rested my head in his palms and smiled a little. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” He grinned back.

“Yes.” I agreed and then he kissed me. His lips were firmly pressed against mine without any kind of worry about someone seeing us or any amount of guilt of deception. It was just a simple, loving kiss.

He pulled back first, still grinning. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He pecked my lips again and swallowed me in a tight hug. His next words came out muffled against my skin. “I love you, Nolan. Please remember that.”

I smiled at his words, an honest whole hearted smile, and kissed his neck. “I love you too, Santino. Don’t forget that.” He chuckled and kissed my forehead before letting me go and leaving.

I stayed out back by myself until Adam came back. My duffel was thrown over his shoulder as he leaned against the doorway. I walked toward him, frozen in the doorway as he continued through the apartment. It was the same doorway, only hours earlier, I had been leaning on as well with John.

I reached out and touched the frame.

“Jayce?” My head turned to Adam. He was frowning and his mouth opened as he was about to say something more.

“Just locking the doors.” I commented and turned back to the frame. I closed the door and locked it, letting my fingers linger there as I muttered the words stuck in my head. “What was once there is now gone.” I smiled sadly as I turned my back and continued out of the apartment.