They Always Told Me I was Gorgeous In a Way

Leah’s POV

After what seemed like an eternity, I had finally calmed down enough to stop the sobbing, but I was truly upset about lying to Max about Hannah. I never thought in a million years that I would have to lie to Max about something this big but I am too foolish to realize it just yet.

Allie was nowhere in the house and Hannah was sitting in between my legs. I was making Hannah’s hair into a single braid. Hannah kept babbling about random things while I listened to her. I am trying so hard to be a different mother for Hannah. I don’t want to turn out just like my mother. We never had the mother-daughter relationship that I needed when I was younger.

“Mommy, I wanna see those cool guys again.” Hannah said.

“Which cool guys?” I asked her.

“Those guys that showed me how to play guitar.” She responded.

“Oh, well maybe we can see them soon.” I sighed.

In complete honesty, I didn’t want to see the guys again. Everything got screwed up when they popped back into my life and I find myself lying to the Man that helped create Hannah. But I can’t deny the fact that Max is the true father and he does reserve the right to know that he is a father, but I can’t grow a pair and tell him myself.

Once I finished Hannah’s hair she ran into her room and got out her little guitar. She started to sing and jump around. I sighed and decided to let Hannah’s dream come true. I grabbed the phone and dialed Max’s phone number. I let it ring for a couple of seconds before he answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey Max, it’s Leah.” I spoke into the receiver.

“Oh, hey Leah. What’s up?” He asked.

“Nothing, just wondering if you wanna come over. Hannah is crazy about you.” I laughed.

“Aw, that’s sweet. Can I talk to her?” He asked Leah.

“Uh, sure.” I said while passing the phone over to Hannah. Hannah eagerly grabbed the phone and held it to her ear. Once she heard the voice she immediately recognized who it was. Her eyes were glistening with Joy and I was sitting there with a small smile on her face. I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Max knew that Hannah was his child, maybe it would be a good thing. When Hannah finally decided to let me talk to him my breath was caught in my throat. I didn’t know what to say or do. I waited for Max to start the conversation.

“So, when would be a good time to come over?” He asked.

“Uh, whenever is fine.” I replied while coiling my finger with the phone cord. I wanted to tell him to get this secret off my chest. I feel like a weight is on my shoulders that I can’t get rid of. I have had enough of the ridiculous lies I have told. I am going to speak the truth for once since he came back into my life.

“Cool, so I’ll come over a little later, but don’t tell Hannah. I want it to be a surprise.” He said.

“OK, I’ll see you then.” I said before hanging up the phone. I looked at my daughter and saw that she was coloring in the coloring book. I tried to imagine what it would be like if Max knew about Hannah; the truth. I want to get this off of my chest and over with. I hate lying, especially to the ones that I love with my entire heart. I tried to decide whether or not to tell Max about our daughter but I was caught between my choices. I couldn’t decide which to choose. This was one thing that I hoped would never happen to me.

I felt a slight knock on the front door to the house. I stood up from the couch and I brushed off my skinny jeans. I waltzed my way over to the door to see Max’s smiling face. I wanted to melt right then and there but I had to stay composed. I can’t show that I still have feeling for him like I did four years ago.

“Where’s your little ball of sunshine?” Our little sunshine you cute idiot.

“In the living room.” I said to him. If he weren’t clueless he would have figured it out by now. I shut the door closed and I entered the living room. Hannah had her tiny little arms wrapped around Max’s neck while he held her. The end of my lips twitched into a small smile. I want to tell him that everything was just a sham to protect him but I fear what he will think of me.

“Mommy, can Max be my dad?” She asked my abruptly.

“Uh, Max can I talk to you for a sec, Hannah go and play with your toys while we talk.” I said. Hannah did what she was told and she ran to room. I bit the corner of my lip and I fiddled with the sleeve of my shirt.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” He asked while cocking his head to the side.

“It’s about Hannah.” I started off. I was not prepared to have him yell at me but if I don’t come out with this I’m going to need a straight jacket in less then 5 minuets.

“What about her?” He asked.

“She- when I told you about Hannah’s dad I didn’t say the truth.” I started off. I was desperately trying to find the correct words to say but nothing was really coming up. “ It really complicated for me to talk about. I’m afraid of what you might think.” I admitted. If I could only get the rest of my sentence out it would put me out of my misery.

“ Why is my opinion so important?” He questioned. Get it out already!!

“ Hannah isn’t a rape baby. She’s-“ I was cut off by Allie’s obnoxious manor of slamming the door.

“What’s up Leah?” She asked, not noticing Max in the room.

“Nothing. I was just talking to Max about something important.” I clenched my teeth.

“What-Oh. I get it. I’ll just leave you two to chat.” She said before bolting towards her room. I heard Max’s cell phone ring. I sighed and I cursed inside of my mind. What’s with the distractions?

“Shit. I’ve got to go. We’ll talk about this later. I’ll see you.” He kissed my cheek and I stood there in shock. He shut the door behind him and I had my mouth slightly agar. Right when I was going to finally admit that Hannah was his daughter I have to deal with all the mother fucking distractions. Sorry for the cursing but you’ve got to be kidding me! Will I ever get this shit over with? Will he ever know how painful this is for me? And will Hannah ever get her dad?

Why does this have t happen to me?