One-Hundred Days

Your breath is as clear as ice in the frostbitten air lying against my skin. I watch as it makes its way into every part of my body, following your eyes, staring from a foot away.

I'm sitting with him, and although I try to stay focused on the silhouette of his profile against the bright moon, I see you biting your lip in anger and jealousy from the corner of my eye. You are with someone of your own, and they are staring at you like I'm staring at him, head against his chest, eyes upwards towards his chin and the starry night sky.

I don't understand why this look is coming across your eyes. From what you had said before, I would never believe it would be you glaring at his arm wrapped across my shoulders, pulling me into him to share what little warmth our bodies may produce. I can't begin to wonder about the million little thoughts that race through my mind with each glance at your hard stare brings.

I watch as his chin relaxes and his eyes meet mine, resting above a smile that could stop the stars in their tracks. I smile back and return his gentle pecks on lips too happy to stop grinning. I notice you from the corner of my eye underneath his closed lids. You're still staring with a clenched jaw and fists.

I stare at your never wandering eyes, a sight I have longed to see for months, but one you were never willing to lend. You catch my eyes and look away for the first time tonight, look back to the girl beneath your arm, cuddled into your chest and place your lips on hers, a perfect imitation of him and I just a foot away from you. He notices, and watches, holding my hands tighter inside his own.
He knows of the things you have said to me and the things that we have done in an imitation of that thing called love.

I think back to the few days before, when I ran after you and held you close to me in an attempt to make you see that I could care about you and what I had been saying all along wasn't a lie. You stood there for ten minutes, holding me close to you, going against everything you had said you would never do. You went back to before, to the times when you actually cared to have us skin against skin and heart to heart. I closed my eyes into your chest and only fell into you, while you took my weight and help me upright.
You had pulled me away from you, hands still on my shoulders, eyes burning into mine with a sad smile on your lips that made me want to kiss all the sadness away from your face. I couldn't look at you, then, for fear I wouldn't be able to control my hands that were itching to take your face in them and let all the things we had kept hidden finally be shown glittering and shining in the sunlight. Your eyes burned into mine until the moved their gaze to the ground. Your lips formed perfect words that were as clear as pen and paper. They were written in the air between us and the pushed me away from you, knocked me onto the ground.

I think back to your sweet fingernail bitten skin, and the way your teeth bit on your bottom lip. I stare at you across such little space, my heart aching in my chest to move to you, venture across this canyon of a foot of space. Our eyes meet again and I can see you remembering all the things we did as I am. I can see that you're remembering the same things I am, that you miss it just as much as I do.

But your words echo in my mind like rocks being thrown as cheap shots against my heart. They were as clear as pen and paper. I wrote them down a million times. I slashed them across innocent clean paper with paint as black as the sky above us now.
Your eyes meet mine and I can see them dancing across your apologetic irises.

I turn away, back to him, pulling his lips down to meet mine in an elaborate way of showing you I no longer care about you or us or what we did in the past.
Your words ruined it all, as clear as pen and paper, as a moon in the sky.

I could never love you the way you love me.