‹ Prequel: In the Month of May
One-Hundred Days
Day Sixty-Three: Gray
I want simplicity; I want black and white, clean lines drawn straight down a middle that is plain to see. I want clarity, and I want my mind to stay still, to breathe and relieve me of this headache that leaves me drained at the end of each day. I want to sleep and have nothing on my mind. I want to close my eyes and be empty of every thought and worry and care that I have ever experienced. These days are making me paranoid, the idea of everything ending too fast than we can become prepared for. The idea of everything we hold close to our hearts being swept away faster than we can catch them. I want to eat and cry and sleep and love without complications, without second thoughts. I want friends to take my mind off this paranoia, this creativity that is never let out because I can never be satisfied with the things I do. I need things to take my mind off the matters of life, not things that only bring me back to it each day.
This gray makes me tired. This in-between no one pays attention to but has captured all of my thoughts and words and ideas. This gray seeps into my pores and takes away all the energy I work so hard to keep safe and ready. I am more tired than I can remember, as I fall into this gray world hiding inside me. I close my eyes and I fall into gray. The darkness that lies on top of my eyelids is gray. The gray pushes away the black I am so familiar with. It pushes away the white that makes things stand out against my blurred vision. It pushes away my guides, my northern star that I follow in hopes of finding the place where I can become simple.
I am so tired. My heart and mind are being dragged down into the sea as I stand on the shore, and I break into my collapsible knees to keep myself steady on dry land. The water curls around my curves, dragging me farther into the gray that has held me hostage for all these years. I keep my eyes closed, a vain attempt to fall into sleep.
I am so tired of gray, and you know, but you could never care. You’re too caught up in the black and the white to care about me, and the way you’ve drained me of everything sense of stability I’ve ever thought I possessed. You could never care, and I wish I could as well, I wish I could have your indifference, but I never could.
I have a heart, unlike you. I have a soul, unlike you, where yours is so covered by grime that you’ve forgotten how to use it. You bring the gray into my life, because you love the black and white so much that you push the ‘disgusting and useless’ gray onto me.
I am so tired. I am so tired of gray, of this ocean, of this cliff beneath my palms. You’ve brought me to all fours, and I’m lying face down in the dirt with your foot on my back, pushing me further into the gray. I am so fucking tired, but you would never know.
This gray makes me tired. This in-between no one pays attention to but has captured all of my thoughts and words and ideas. This gray seeps into my pores and takes away all the energy I work so hard to keep safe and ready. I am more tired than I can remember, as I fall into this gray world hiding inside me. I close my eyes and I fall into gray. The darkness that lies on top of my eyelids is gray. The gray pushes away the black I am so familiar with. It pushes away the white that makes things stand out against my blurred vision. It pushes away my guides, my northern star that I follow in hopes of finding the place where I can become simple.
I am so tired. My heart and mind are being dragged down into the sea as I stand on the shore, and I break into my collapsible knees to keep myself steady on dry land. The water curls around my curves, dragging me farther into the gray that has held me hostage for all these years. I keep my eyes closed, a vain attempt to fall into sleep.
I am so tired of gray, and you know, but you could never care. You’re too caught up in the black and the white to care about me, and the way you’ve drained me of everything sense of stability I’ve ever thought I possessed. You could never care, and I wish I could as well, I wish I could have your indifference, but I never could.
I have a heart, unlike you. I have a soul, unlike you, where yours is so covered by grime that you’ve forgotten how to use it. You bring the gray into my life, because you love the black and white so much that you push the ‘disgusting and useless’ gray onto me.
I am so tired. I am so tired of gray, of this ocean, of this cliff beneath my palms. You’ve brought me to all fours, and I’m lying face down in the dirt with your foot on my back, pushing me further into the gray. I am so fucking tired, but you would never know.