And I Stumble
It Just Wasn't
Too blind to see tomorrow,
Too broke to beg or borrow.
I didn't regret it at first. I knew deep down that if I was a good friend then I should have felt a pang of guilt with our first touch. I didn't. For whatever reason I didn't regret it or feel guilty. I didn't see a reason to.
Why should I feel bad because your wife had moved on? Is it really my fault? Of course, that just makes me sound like the biggest little bitch every. I knew that if I were someone else I probably would have kicked my ass by now. But considering the circumstances and that I am me and not someone else my ass is still intact.
It's hard to believe though - that I didn't care. I'm not going to lie. At the beginning, I didn't stop to think about you, Billie. It isn't all about you. I know though, that if it were you in my shoes you would have handled it completely different. It wouldn't make it past the first touch. It would be over before it even began. You would feel guilty. Incredibly guilty. As it is though, you're the one left in the ditch, and I'm still the biggest little bitch. Look at that, I just rhymed.
Maybe one of the reason's I didn't care was because I was finally getting sick and tired of you always getting all the attention. It frequently was "Billie Joe this" and "Billie Joe that." If we were lucky, it would occasionally be "Mike this" or "Tre that." Not very often, however. Maybe I jealous. I always told you I didn't care and that I "never wanted the spotlight shining on me in the first place." Bull-fucking-shit. Of course I was a little bit jealous. How could I not be? Tell me? Answer my fucking question, BJ!
I guess I figured that finally I was the one in the limelight. Maybe people would remember my name now.
After a while though, things seemed emptier. I would get up in the morning, at some godforesaken hour, only to realize I had no where to be. I didn't need rush off to the studio. I didn't need to set the alarm. I didn't need to make a coffee run for the three of us.
The three of us.
Green Day. That's what we were. Key word being were. There never was a conversation. It wasn't like we had some big fight. It was just unspoken. It wasn't even that. It just wasn't.
It just wasn't.
And I missed it. I missed making music. I missed fooling around in the studio. I missed the echo of laughter, the sound that always reminded me of chorus. Perfectly together. I missed how good it made me feel. How warm and fuzzy it made me feel inside. What the fuck? Did I really just think that?
Maybe Adrienne has affected me more than I originally thought. What? I am confused. Lame, I know. I've confused even myself.
Back to my original train of thought. I remembered all the times you had my back. And how I, in turn, had your back. Why is that in the time that you need me the most I'm not there for you? Instead I'm fucking your wife. How exactly does that work?
The guilt that I had not felt, or perhaps just ran away from, was now slowly creeping up and catching up on me. I knew that when I did finally catch up with me, fully, it was going to hit me hard. For now, all I could do was just keep running. But I can't run that fast. Even now, when she kisses me I have to push you out of my mind.
Granted, when I've pushed you out of my mind, you stay out. Because we all know the truth.
Adrienne's a great distraction.
I think the hardest part to grasp is that there is no more Green Day. That we've - seemingly, at the very least - come to an end. How did it get this way? Oh, wait, I know. That was my fault.
I didn't realize that when this all started. I'm either blind or stupid - or both - but it never occured to me. It was just something impulsive. It was just what it was. Perhaps I wasn't able to fully grasp what was happening until it was it was much too late.
Had I taken the time to think it over, I would have known the result. I would have known it would be diasterous. I would know that you would hate me and that I wouldn't be welcome in your life or any band with you. And it kills me. I should have known better. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I don't know where this "thing" that Adrienne and I have is going. I don't know where I'm even going.
What the fuck?
Too broke to beg or borrow.
I didn't regret it at first. I knew deep down that if I was a good friend then I should have felt a pang of guilt with our first touch. I didn't. For whatever reason I didn't regret it or feel guilty. I didn't see a reason to.
Why should I feel bad because your wife had moved on? Is it really my fault? Of course, that just makes me sound like the biggest little bitch every. I knew that if I were someone else I probably would have kicked my ass by now. But considering the circumstances and that I am me and not someone else my ass is still intact.
It's hard to believe though - that I didn't care. I'm not going to lie. At the beginning, I didn't stop to think about you, Billie. It isn't all about you. I know though, that if it were you in my shoes you would have handled it completely different. It wouldn't make it past the first touch. It would be over before it even began. You would feel guilty. Incredibly guilty. As it is though, you're the one left in the ditch, and I'm still the biggest little bitch. Look at that, I just rhymed.
Maybe one of the reason's I didn't care was because I was finally getting sick and tired of you always getting all the attention. It frequently was "Billie Joe this" and "Billie Joe that." If we were lucky, it would occasionally be "Mike this" or "Tre that." Not very often, however. Maybe I jealous. I always told you I didn't care and that I "never wanted the spotlight shining on me in the first place." Bull-fucking-shit. Of course I was a little bit jealous. How could I not be? Tell me? Answer my fucking question, BJ!
I guess I figured that finally I was the one in the limelight. Maybe people would remember my name now.
After a while though, things seemed emptier. I would get up in the morning, at some godforesaken hour, only to realize I had no where to be. I didn't need rush off to the studio. I didn't need to set the alarm. I didn't need to make a coffee run for the three of us.
The three of us.
Green Day. That's what we were. Key word being were. There never was a conversation. It wasn't like we had some big fight. It was just unspoken. It wasn't even that. It just wasn't.
It just wasn't.
And I missed it. I missed making music. I missed fooling around in the studio. I missed the echo of laughter, the sound that always reminded me of chorus. Perfectly together. I missed how good it made me feel. How warm and fuzzy it made me feel inside. What the fuck? Did I really just think that?
Maybe Adrienne has affected me more than I originally thought. What? I am confused. Lame, I know. I've confused even myself.
Back to my original train of thought. I remembered all the times you had my back. And how I, in turn, had your back. Why is that in the time that you need me the most I'm not there for you? Instead I'm fucking your wife. How exactly does that work?
The guilt that I had not felt, or perhaps just ran away from, was now slowly creeping up and catching up on me. I knew that when I did finally catch up with me, fully, it was going to hit me hard. For now, all I could do was just keep running. But I can't run that fast. Even now, when she kisses me I have to push you out of my mind.
Granted, when I've pushed you out of my mind, you stay out. Because we all know the truth.
Adrienne's a great distraction.
I think the hardest part to grasp is that there is no more Green Day. That we've - seemingly, at the very least - come to an end. How did it get this way? Oh, wait, I know. That was my fault.
I didn't realize that when this all started. I'm either blind or stupid - or both - but it never occured to me. It was just something impulsive. It was just what it was. Perhaps I wasn't able to fully grasp what was happening until it was it was much too late.
Had I taken the time to think it over, I would have known the result. I would have known it would be diasterous. I would know that you would hate me and that I wouldn't be welcome in your life or any band with you. And it kills me. I should have known better. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I don't know where this "thing" that Adrienne and I have is going. I don't know where I'm even going.
What the fuck?