And I Stumble

Young and stupid,
Left wide open

I can bear that you left me. It's tough, I know. But I always knew it would be. Nobody knew it, but it wasn't the first time that you had walked out on me. And our marriage. Granted, I had walked out on you too. We always fixed it though.

There were a few times that we were on the brink of divorce. We were so close to the ledge. Somehow though, all of those times, we were able to step off of that ledge and work through it. We even worked through it when I moved out because we were separated.

I don't think there will be any fixing or working of things out this time though. You basically left. You walked out on me. You left me there crying, in front of my own goddamn kids. You left us all to fall apart.

I had to console our kids. I had to explain to them, to the best of my ability, why their own mother walked out on us. Why she was leaving and not coming home. I had to explain this, yet I didn't have fucking clue myself. Do you have idea how hard that is, Adrienne?

Sure, you promised you'd call the kids and make arrangements to see them. But it's not the same. You didn't have to do it the way you did. You couldn't have talked to me. In private. I could have got some answers.

But you didn't, so my questions still remain unanswered.

I cried when you left. Not after that though. I had to be strong for Joey and Jake. It wouldn't be fair to them for me to be a mess and falling apart. I had to be strong. So I was. I wasn't going to be a big basketcase about. The kids don't deserve that. Just like they don't deserve to be walked out on either.

I managed to keep myself together. I still had my family, my health and my band. I had my two best friends at my side. Until you decided to go and fuck one of them.

I don't know if that was always your intention. But at this point, I don't give a flying fuck about intentions. You screwed me over. You screwed Tre over too. Did you realize that? I wonder if you did? I wonder if when you were fucking him, if you realized how you fucked it all up? For everyone. Did you? Tell me honey, did you think of that when you were screaming his name?

I doubt it. I doubt you even stopped to think for one single second how you actions would affect everyone. You screwed Green Day over. Or should I say fucked? Hey, you might as well sleep with Tre now. Then you can say you've fucked all of Green Day. Wouldn't that be nice.

I can barely even remember how I found out about you and Mike. It's not like he tried to hide it though. If I think back real hard, I can vaguely recall Tre telling me. He didn't want to, but he loves me so he did. He hide it. He was crying when he told me. And it wasn't for selfish reasons. Tears dropped from his eyes for me. He cried because the two of us just lost our best friend.

Despite what your intentions may have been.

I didn't cry.

The worst part of this whole situation, is how I'm feeling. I feel like a complete idiot. I feel foolish. I feel like I'm a child and I have no control over anything anymore. I feel as though the world is sinking beneath me, and I have absoutely no control over it.

The feeling of complete helplessness is not something fun. It's something I used to wish you would never feel. I loved you and never wanted you to feel this way.

Now, I can't quite say I feel the same way about you.