And I Stumble

Hurt

Approached with vague intentions
Betray my short attention span...


The worst part wasn't me leaving you. As hard as that was to take, for you and now me, I could've accepted that. It would have been okay. Certainly not right away, but eventually things would have gotten better.

I stole your best friend from you. You couldn't even cry on his shoulder because he was too busy fucking me.

It isn't okay, what I did to you. It isn't forgivable. How do you move on from that? Two lowblows, right there. On the spot. This isn't something you'll ever forget.

I stole your band from you. Your life. You're the loyal type, Billie Joe. What Mike did isn't something you'll forgive or forget. There won't be a Green Day without Mike, either. I'm sorry.

I don't know how it started. Mike doesn't either. We're both clueless in this world. Secretly, of course. We could never admit to each other that we had fucked up so badly. It would be too strange.

We don't talk about the future. We don't talk about the past. We certainly don't talk about the present and our current states. We don't voice our own heartbreak over the situation.

You can see it in the eyes. It isn't that hard. There's no sparkle or glimmer. No excitment. We're going through the motions.

Billie, you used to always know when I was upset. You could see it in my eyes. I couldn't lie to you. Ever. You'd know. You could read me like a book. Or, you could before.

It must hurt. Does it? Does it hurt to know that I wasn't upset with you. You didn't do anything wrong. I left you for no good reason. It stings a little, doesn't it?

It just happened one day. You would've known if I was hiding unhappiness. You would have looked into my eyes and known right that second.

You didn't.

There was nothing leading up to this. I just did it. Does it hurt?

I need to stop apologizing and feeling bad about this. That sound horrible, doesn't it? I'm not a horrible person. I never used to be. I was a loving mother and wife. What went wrong?

Apologizing isn't helping. It won't make you feel any better. It won't make me feel any better. They're empty words, really. They have no meaning behind them.

Yes, yes, yes. Of course, I'm sorry. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't bring anything back to normal. It doesn't numb the pain. It doesn't change the fact that in one moment I took everything from you. You're stability, you're wife, you're best friend and you're band.

I left you there to explain why "Mommy is staying with Uncle Mike for a while."

I shook up the very ground you stand on and yet you stilled protected me. You lied to the Joey and Jakob. You didn't tell them the truth. You still let them see me. You can tell yourself you're protecting them, shielding them from the harsh truth.

We both know that isn't the case, Billie Joe. You're protecting me. The boys could handle the truth. We both know that. Still, you give them some bullshit explanation for things.

You didn't want to hurt me. They still look up at me with adoring eyes. They couldn't possibly if they knew the truth.

Does it hurt, Billie Joe?

Does it hurt knowing that I never protected you from the truth?