Carolina

“Don’t do this, please.”

Begging over the phone, it was quite disgusting. When that’s all you could do it was pitiful. When whoever you were begging was on the other side of the continent and you were dating it was atrocious. Either way, I happened to be doing just that. I was horrible at begging, I’d always been that way. It just never worked out well. I could hear her sighing over the phone. I could almost feel the weight of her heart against me.

“Jimmy, I just, I can’t anymore. This isn’t fair to either of us. You deserve a girl out there on the west coast, not one living on the east. I just don’t see how this is going to work out.”

“Baby,” I said softly thinking of exactly what I wanted to say. Justin looked over from the living room his eyes held sympathy. “Baby listen to me, I don’t care where you live. I want you, not some bimbo that grew up in Holly wood. That’s not the girl I want, I want the girl who went to college, got herself an education and is making a name for herself.”

“But I want more than that. I want to cry into your shoulder when I’m having a bad day. That’s really hard to do over the phone. I want to be able to run into your arms laughing if something good happens. Jimmy, I want to wake up next to you, breathe in your scent. I want more than a telephone call.”

“Please, let me move you out here. There are a lot of jobs out here, I’m sure you could find one.”

“I want to Jimmy, but how do I know that you’re not going to be touring constantly after I move out there. And I can’t very well ask you to quit your job, you love it so much. Jimmy, I just…I don’t think it’s working out. I really don’t. I’m sorry.”

She hung up before I could beg for more time. I curse softly under my breath putting the phone down. I couldn’t believe I’d just lost the girl I was in love with. I wasn’t just in love; I was head over heels and to the moon in love with this girl. I couldn’t bear losing her.

“Come on man, let’s hit the town tonight. Get your mind off of her.”

“Justin there is no getting my mind off of her. I love her. I want to be with her.”

I slumped into the couch and leaned my head against the back of it. He looked over like I was crazy but nodded. He should know what I was talking about. It wasn’t like he hadn’t ever experienced heart break.

“Jimmy, come on. We can get you back on your feet, why not go out. Give you time to think about how you’re going to get her back.”

“Alright, alright, stop begging. I’ll go,” I really had no other option so agreement was about the only way to stop the argument before it started. I really didn’t need to argue with my brother over this. In fact I sort of didn’t want to argue with him at all. He was one of my best friends, arguing was just not an option for us. He went to call up the boys while I just slumped around waiting for the night to be over. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up from this nightmare. I didn’t know how to deal with this, I wasn’t used to not getting what I wanted.

“Come on lazy ass, let’s get going.”

He wasn’t lying. He was determined to get me out of the house, even if it meant we were going to be out all night. As much as I loved my brother, I really would have preferred to sit home sulking. It would have been better in the long run. Especially after things started happening that only made me feel worse, then I really wished I had just said no.

My glazed over eyes looked at him begging him to just go home. I was tired, he was probably getting annoyed and all in all the night was going horribly wrong. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I couldn’t count on my fingers or toes the number of girls I’d watched because they looked like her. I couldn’t bear the number of times her favorite songs came through the speakers each more painful than the last. It was killing me how the mood would change every time someone shouted a name that sounded like hers.

“I’m going, I’m not in the mood,” I said suddenly turning to leave before anyone could stop me. I knew what I needed to do. I knew exactly what I wanted to do as well. I knew Justin was probably confused as I all but ran out of the club taking what little beer I had with me. I ignored the calls of my name, ignored the thoughts running through my mind. I tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to turn around. I tried to ignore the tingling in my arm as I shook the dread as far away as I could manage.

Nothing mattered. Not anymore, not that I now had a way out, some way to figure out how to make it all right again. I knew what I wanted, needed and desired. I barely blinked as I walked through the cold building. I didn’t shutter when the final call was placed and when the skies around me were a lighter softer blue than the ones California produced for me I knew I was doing the right thing.

With heavy footsteps I made my way up the walk letting the rocks shift under my feet before ringing the bell. My finger felt as if it stayed on the buzzer for hours, instead of seconds. I could have sworn it took five years for the door to swing open producing a very confused looking beauty..

“Jimmy? What are you doing here?”

“I can’t do this. I’m not going to lose you because of distance so if I have to quit the band then by all fucking means I’m going to quit. I would do anything to keep you with me forever, I love you Carolina and I would do anything, and will do anything, to keep you in my life. I love you and I don’t care where we live, what my job is or what tax bracket we’re in. Just, please, don’t say goodbye. Marry me. Be with me forever and always.”