Black Star Love

“Stupid Kathy!… Stupid Mickey!” I cried into my pillow. I was angry at them.

When my mom got home, she came into my room, but figure I was asleep, since I buried myself under all the covers. I fell asleep with this huge headache.

It was dark outside when I felt some run their hand thru my hair. My eyes fluttered open, to find myself in my mom’s arms, “Hey hun, are you ok?”

I closed my eyes again and hesitantly answered, “Yeah,” my throat was sore, “Why do you ask?”

I heard her sing and lean towards the nightstand and then back to me, “Well Frankie, when I came in, I found this.” my eyes were to tire to re open, so I asked what it was.

I waited for her to answer, but instead I felt her hand go under the covers. She took my hand in hers and ran her thumb over my wrist.

I knew what she got from the night stand. I had only used that twice. I tried to jerk my hand away from hers, but she didn’t let go.

“Frankie…” I had hurt her. She buried her head on the side of my neck. I felt her warm tear falling against my skin. “Why Frankie? Why?”

I couldn’t answer her. The thought of me making her cry made me cry. I shook my head and muttered, I’m sorry.

“Why?” she asked over and over again. She pulled away from me and cupped my face in her soft, warm hands.

My mother is the only person I live for day and night. She has given up so many things to get me through school, to make me happy, but all I’ve done is lie to her. Lies and more lies.

She has fucked up in the past. Always drunk and doing stuff with her boyfriends but once, when her last boyfriend dared to push me around, she didn’t stand around to watch. She left his ass, and move here. Never again has she been with some, afraid that she might put me in a dangerous situation, but I was the one hurting myself.

How good of a son am I?

“Frankie… You like him don’t you?” She asked whipping the tears away. I was tired of this. I was already hurt today and if my mom was going to brake my heart, then might as well be the same day.

“No ma’…I love him.” The words slipped out of my mouth without thinking.

“Then Frank?” I imagined she would have been on her way out of my room by now, but she wasn’t. “Why this?” she was referring to my wrists.

“Because he doesn’t love me…” I whispered and tried to pull away from her, but she wouldn’t let me leave her. I wanted to run away, so that no one could find me.

“Did he tell you that Frank?” Her question puzzled me.

The tears stop and I just looked down at my hands. I couldn’t look at her. “No…”

“Then what did he tell you?” She placed her hand under my chin, and lifter my head, so that I could meet eyes with her. “He… He said he loved me.”

She rubbed my cheek with the back of her palm softly. “Then why hurt yourself Frank?… did you think I wouldn’t love you?” She kissed my forehead, “I love you Frank, no matter what… you’re my son.”

“He was with a girl mom…”

She shook her head, “And your just going to let her take him away from you?… what happened to my son that fought what he wanted?”

She was right, I was giving up Mickey. “But what if he lied?”

“Then go ask for the truth Frank even if it hurts.” She let go of my face and stood from the bed. “But this,” She held up the razor blade, “Will never be part of your life again… do you understand me.” I nodded. “Now,” She kissed me on the forehead once more, “Go look for him Frank.”

As soon as she closed the door behind her, I quickly got up, put on my shoes and grabbed my sweater, but remembered I had been crying. I ran to the restroom and looked in the mirror. My eyeliner was all smeared.

I splashed some water on my face and dried it with a towel.

In two minutes I was half way to Gee’s house, but I bumped into someone when I was counting my steps. “Sorry,.” I mumbled, but the person grabbed my shoulder. “Frank,” It was Gee.

“Hey.” I tried to smile, but I wasn’t able to.

“Fuck Frank, where have you been all day?…” I opened my mouth to answer, but interrupted, “Frank, Mickey missing…”

“What?” I asked confused. How could he be missing?

“Well after you despaired ha asked me to ditch school with him, and I agreed. We were home just kicking it. I went up stairs to get something and when I came back he was gone. I figured he was with you. I waited a couple of hour, but he still wasn’t back, so I called your house, but your mom said he wasn’t there.” He sounded desperate.

That wasn’t something Mickey would do. “Oh,” I changed directions, “Here, I’ll help you look for him.” I was mad and hurt, but I still love him and I don’t want anything happening to him… unless I’m the one causing the pain.