Losing
1/1
He spends every hour of every day sitting on his baby's bed. His fingers wring the body of a teddy bear- the small, furry thing that soaked up years of tears, endured so many instances of abuse (falling off the bed, throwing across the room, getting stuck so helplessly under a bookcase) and a lifetime of dependency.
The bottle on the floor is three-quarters to its finish line. William's legs are tucked under him as he pets the toy, fingers rubbing gently at an ear that's becoming unstitched; he wonders if he can ever sew it back on.
Tears burn at his eyes when he hears Gabriel's footsteps approaching on the unforgiving hardwood floors of the hallway. He glances over at the open door, catching sight of the other man lounging over the threshold.
"What're you doing, querido?" the man asks, but he knows. He comes over to kneel in front of the bed, knees cracking before touching soft carpet.
"I was…" the other leads off. With only two words Gabriel knows William's drunk. "Thinking," he drops out at last, eyes fleeting over the other's face before looking away.
The man knows William can't look at him- can't bear to see how their son was the same image, but so many years younger, so many times more innocent yet now lays in a coffin Gabriel had to pick out himself, hands folded over his mouth as he nodded at the salesman.
He shouldn't have had to. They only had four years, but it took a week after knowing that they were going to have a baby to fall in love with him; and perhaps if Gabriel had been watching… if he hadn't taken his eyes off of the child for those few moments. William had watched it all from his place on the porch when he looked up from his notebook.
Gabriel shouldn't have had to rush into the road, crying out as he knelt down to hold the boy's face, baby, wake up- look at me, Jude, look at me!, carrying him to the car. Yelling for an ambulance- God, anyone, call 911!.
"What were you thinking about?" His hands come up to frame the other's face, brush his thumbs over his cheeks. "What are you thinking about, mi amor? Jude?" William visibly flinches at the name. Gabriel's tongue still burns when he says it. "Tell me." There's a slow smile on the other's lips, curving pretty and sloppily placed.
"He was a good kid," the boy says with a short laugh, hugging the bear to his chest, "He was so good- he, he loved me, you know? He l-loved me a-and… he was…" He shakes his head, laughter breaking from his throat, "But he was such a smartass, he'd- he'd sit in the kitchen with me while I was c-c-cooking and would… would get in my way- always in my way! Such a… such a fucking smartass- all the time, I couldn't… he'd stand there with his hand on his hip and…" William's face breaks into a smile as he laughs. Gabriel's heart breaks a little more. "He's always tell me no- I'd have to threaten him with you, or with no TV a-and… God, he was just such a… so fucking flippant with me," the boy's face is half-way between a sob and a laugh now, "Always so fl-flippant. Such a brat, he'd… tell me no and he was so c-c-cute! I felt so bad pushing him out of the k-k-kitchen to making him stop playing or watching TV b-because he'd look at me with these bi-big eyes, your eyes and say, 'Mommy please?'" The boy's words break in a sob, his heart clenching underneath a metal cage in his chest. His finger close tighter around the bear, his whole soul fleeting with every breath. "No- he- he was a fucking… a fucking brat, okay? He… such a smartass! Just a… just a fucking little… delinquent, just like you, ta-taking after you," He's breaking from the foundations to the attic, collapsing in on himself; his whole body shakes. William's grappling for an anchor, something to keep him rooted to the floor. His voice is a fracture in his throat.
"Guillermo…"
"He was such a fucking b-brat," William manages out, smiling through tears. He's trying so hard. The laughter is screwed into his face, warm tears washing down his cheeks. He's all angles- sharp, clean angles. The smile suddenly shatters; mirror's glass on unforgiving porcelain floors. "My baby, he…" Everything inside of him breaks. "He w-was mine, Gabe," William's composure breaks as his whole body racks forward, waving in a soft heartbreak of decadence. "My baby, I- he… he loved me, he… he loved me, he was m-m-mine, he… they t-t-t-took him from me, they… I love him so m-much, I-I…" his words are coming out in comprehensible as his mind rushes through, jumping off of sharp edges and tripping over the vowels. In some sort of desperation his fingers clutch onto the teddy bear. "He loved me," he finally manages out just before he's completely engulfed in the bitter crush of metallic desolation.
Gabriel wraps around him; his voice is in William's hair, "I love you too," his arms tighten around a broken, trembling frame. "I love you too."
The bottle on the floor is three-quarters to its finish line. William's legs are tucked under him as he pets the toy, fingers rubbing gently at an ear that's becoming unstitched; he wonders if he can ever sew it back on.
Tears burn at his eyes when he hears Gabriel's footsteps approaching on the unforgiving hardwood floors of the hallway. He glances over at the open door, catching sight of the other man lounging over the threshold.
"What're you doing, querido?" the man asks, but he knows. He comes over to kneel in front of the bed, knees cracking before touching soft carpet.
"I was…" the other leads off. With only two words Gabriel knows William's drunk. "Thinking," he drops out at last, eyes fleeting over the other's face before looking away.
The man knows William can't look at him- can't bear to see how their son was the same image, but so many years younger, so many times more innocent yet now lays in a coffin Gabriel had to pick out himself, hands folded over his mouth as he nodded at the salesman.
He shouldn't have had to. They only had four years, but it took a week after knowing that they were going to have a baby to fall in love with him; and perhaps if Gabriel had been watching… if he hadn't taken his eyes off of the child for those few moments. William had watched it all from his place on the porch when he looked up from his notebook.
Gabriel shouldn't have had to rush into the road, crying out as he knelt down to hold the boy's face, baby, wake up- look at me, Jude, look at me!, carrying him to the car. Yelling for an ambulance- God, anyone, call 911!.
"What were you thinking about?" His hands come up to frame the other's face, brush his thumbs over his cheeks. "What are you thinking about, mi amor? Jude?" William visibly flinches at the name. Gabriel's tongue still burns when he says it. "Tell me." There's a slow smile on the other's lips, curving pretty and sloppily placed.
"He was a good kid," the boy says with a short laugh, hugging the bear to his chest, "He was so good- he, he loved me, you know? He l-loved me a-and… he was…" He shakes his head, laughter breaking from his throat, "But he was such a smartass, he'd- he'd sit in the kitchen with me while I was c-c-cooking and would… would get in my way- always in my way! Such a… such a fucking smartass- all the time, I couldn't… he'd stand there with his hand on his hip and…" William's face breaks into a smile as he laughs. Gabriel's heart breaks a little more. "He's always tell me no- I'd have to threaten him with you, or with no TV a-and… God, he was just such a… so fucking flippant with me," the boy's face is half-way between a sob and a laugh now, "Always so fl-flippant. Such a brat, he'd… tell me no and he was so c-c-cute! I felt so bad pushing him out of the k-k-kitchen to making him stop playing or watching TV b-because he'd look at me with these bi-big eyes, your eyes and say, 'Mommy please?'" The boy's words break in a sob, his heart clenching underneath a metal cage in his chest. His finger close tighter around the bear, his whole soul fleeting with every breath. "No- he- he was a fucking… a fucking brat, okay? He… such a smartass! Just a… just a fucking little… delinquent, just like you, ta-taking after you," He's breaking from the foundations to the attic, collapsing in on himself; his whole body shakes. William's grappling for an anchor, something to keep him rooted to the floor. His voice is a fracture in his throat.
"Guillermo…"
"He was such a fucking b-brat," William manages out, smiling through tears. He's trying so hard. The laughter is screwed into his face, warm tears washing down his cheeks. He's all angles- sharp, clean angles. The smile suddenly shatters; mirror's glass on unforgiving porcelain floors. "My baby, he…" Everything inside of him breaks. "He w-was mine, Gabe," William's composure breaks as his whole body racks forward, waving in a soft heartbreak of decadence. "My baby, I- he… he loved me, he… he loved me, he was m-m-mine, he… they t-t-t-took him from me, they… I love him so m-much, I-I…" his words are coming out in comprehensible as his mind rushes through, jumping off of sharp edges and tripping over the vowels. In some sort of desperation his fingers clutch onto the teddy bear. "He loved me," he finally manages out just before he's completely engulfed in the bitter crush of metallic desolation.
Gabriel wraps around him; his voice is in William's hair, "I love you too," his arms tighten around a broken, trembling frame. "I love you too."
♠ ♠ ♠
it's late.i'm tired.
boo.