Stay Close, Don't Go

June 6th, 1987

I got around to cleaning the house after two days of leaving messes everywhere. As I cleaned the living room, flashback's of Billie Joe and I fighting ran through my mind. I buckled over, feeling as if someone had punched me in the gut. I held onto what felt like the couch and kept from throwing up. Thoughts of him and her together just didn't make sense and made me want to scream. I quickly made myself stop thinking about everything and slowly stood back up. I looked around, feeling weird. As I finished cleaning up, I made up my mind that I would go on a walk through the park.

I put on my chucks and headed out the door, locking it behind me. I began walking down my street, Cherry Orchard. People said that it was the best street in the neighborhood due to the nice yards, friendly neighbors, and how everyone had a dog. But honestly, I found this street disgusting. The fact that everyone was conformed into the 'perfect society' just didn't make sense to me. I was the type to be an outsider; a reject; a nobody. I saw men with their perfectly combed hair jogging with their wives who had the perfect body, and some walking their dogs. Sure, that'd be a cool lifestyle, but I wouldn't want to live it.

I came to the corner of the street and took a left and saw the local comic book store. I went inside while reaching into my pocket. Apparently, I had some left over change from whatever I bought last. I took it out and counted the money; it was enough to buy two comic books. Going through the aisles, I noticed a Batman section and I smiled. I grabbed two comics and I went up to the cashier.

"Will this be all for you today?" He asked, not looking at me.

"Yes."

"Your total has come to two dollars exactly," he said. I handed him the money and grabbed the bag. "Thank you, come again."

I held the bag in my left hand while reaching into my back pocket with the other and pulled out a cigarette. I looked at it and stopped walking. I'd been trying to quit for the past month. Billie had quit and I had started, so I felt bad for that one. Half of me wanted to say 'fuck it' and smoke it anyways, then the other half told me to throw it on the ground, stomp on it, and walk away.

"That stuff kills people, y' know."

I turned and saw Billie sitting on his bike, holding a lemonade then taking a drink of it. I rolled my eyes and began to walk fast and away from him. I heard the lemonade can hit the gravel and his bike beginning to ride toward me. Suddenly, he was next to me and I kept my eyes in front of me.

"You don't have any say on that one, Billie Joe."

"I have a say on how dangerous they are."

"Oh, like you'd stay away from them the rest of your life," I snapped. "What are you doing here anyways?"

"I saw you go in there from down the street, so I figured I'd wait for you outside."

"Why would you wait for me? We're over."

He sighed. "I know we are."

"Then why?"

"Because I'm in love with you."

"Bullshit!" I yelled, turning to face him.

"Love, I need you to listen to me..."

"I'm not listening to you anymore," I said and walked away, faster this time. I heard no noise from behind me, so I figured he hadn't even attempted to follow me. I began to cry but made myself stop before I let my guard down for him to see. What I really wanted to do was run back the other direction and grab him in my arms... but he lost me and he shouldn't have me back. On the way home, as I walked around and ended up reading both of my comics that I had bought. The sun was starting to go down and the California sky looked beautiful. I decided to head back home.

I saw many couples walking around together. Holding hands, kissing, laughing, etc. I can't say that it made me jealous, but it did make me wish that I still had that. It made me wish that Billie would have never had screwed up. It made me wish that I wasn't alone.

I finally reached home, and it was dark. I had grown scared but tried to keep that in the back of my mind. Once in my room, I laid on my bed and tried to think of earlier today. Ii didn't know when I was going to see Billie Joe again... and that scared me. No matter how much he hurt me and pissed me off, I still loved him. He'd had my heart for two years straight, and I can't just forget him.

...I guess I just had to move on.