A New Kind of Denial

I've been living with Gavin, Jason, and Ianto for about a month and I think having Jason there whenever I need to talk to him really has helped me a lot. I kind of informally moved in with them and have been sharing a room with Gavin. There have been quite a few times over the past month that I've had to talk with Jason, and a lot more times that I've talked with Gavin. It’s almost easier for me to talk to him than it is to talk to Jason, even though he’s been my therapist since I was eleven. It really would not surprise me if Gavin grew up to become a therapist. I mean, it technically even runs in his blood, seeing as how Jason is Gavin’s uncle and all.

Speaking of that, Mae ended up leaving about a week after I started staying there. At first I thought she left because of me, but Jason and Ianto assured me that staying for very long was just not something that was in her nature. Gavin went on a rant about her right after she left though. I understand completely where he’s coming from too. She made a huge deal about being informed of things in his life and being a part of it, but then she leaves a couple of weeks after re-meeting him. That was really hypocritical of her and I don’t blame Gavin at all for being pissed about it.

On another, but less pleasant note, we had a really small viewing for Carson, and more people than I’d thought actually showed up. There was no funeral, because Carson never liked the idea of “being worm food” as he used to say, and he always said that if I had to bury him that I shouldn’t. He always wanted to be cremated and he made sure I knew it. I think he had some kind of creepy intuition that he was going to die before I did, because when he talked about dying, he never once said anything about out-living me. I mean, it’s not like he talked about it a lot, but I think he always had the thought in the back of his mind about it. He also told me multiple times that he wanted his ashes strewn somewhere in Northern Russia if it was possible. I think the only reason he ever gave for that was that it’s the closest foreign country to Canada other than America and that he loved the snow.

When I told Jason and Ianto about that, they immediately decided that we were going to take a trip out there to honor his last wishes. However much I wanted to protest, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell them no. I wanted to do what Carson had planned and if I didn’t let Ianto and Jason pay for the trip as well as everything else then I wasn’t going to be able to do that. I hated taking so much from those two, but it was the only way that things were going to be done right or even at all in some cases. And I guess they do have quite a bit of money, but I still don’t like that idea of me taking so much from them without probably ever being able to pay them back.

“Hey,” Gavin said softly, breaking me out of my thoughts. He sat down next to me on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island and spun it so he could face me “How are you feeling, Babe?”

“Not necessarily good,” I chuckled slightly. “But not necessarily bad either.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“How did you know I was thinking?”

He laughed airily. “Mason, I know you. You had a far off look in your eyes and you’re just pushing around your fruit like it’s gross. You sighed a couple of times too. What were you thinking about?”

“I'm kind of nervous for Russia. Well,” I stopped, thinking of how to better phrase what I meant. “I guess I'm not nervous. More like anxious I think. I know it’s not really a big deal and I shouldn’t really be fretting myself over this, but…I don’t know.” I shrugged and sort of scrunched up my lip to my nose.

“This is as big a deal as you need it to be, Mase. This is your brother we’re talking about here. Hon, I don’t think we could be talking about anything more important than this at the moment, so of course this is going to be a big deal,”

“That’s not really what I meant by that,” I smiled, amused at his rant of semi-proportions about the importance of mourning Carson. “But it’s nice to hear you say all of that anyways.”

“I'm not saying anything I don’t believe to be true,” he shrugged.

I looked down at the bowl of fruit in front of me and stabbed a piece of kiwi with my fork, plopping it in my mouth and chewing softly on it. I forked another and pointed it upwards at Gavin. “Want one?” I asked.

“Sure,” he nodded, reaching for the fork in my hands.

“Nuh-uh,” I scolded, shaking my head and retracting the fork. He gave me a really odd look, but I just smirked. “Open up,” I prompted, steering the eating utensil back towards his mouth. He finally understood what I was doing and smiled as he let me place the fruit in his mouth.

He chewed kind of thoughtfully and swallowed it before saying, “You’re such a weird little boy.”

“A) you let me do it,” I laughed, setting the fork down in the bowl, “and B) I'm your weird little boy.”

“This is a fact,” he said, nodding his head and smiling at me.

I leaned up and placed a soft kiss on his lips, laying my hand on his thigh to steady myself so I wouldn’t fall off the stool. The kiss tasted of kiwis and a hint of lemonade, seeing as how that’s about all we had in the house to drink. It was sweet, in more ways than one.

“Do you know what else is a fact?” I asked after I pulled away.

“What else?”

“Well, it’s almost a fact, I think,”

“What is?”

“That I think I love you,” I whispered, looking him right in the eyes. “I know it’s only been two months, but it feels like so much longer and even if we haven’t completely noticed, we’ve been through quite a lot together. And even through all of that, we’ve barely gotten into any fights. I feel like I've known you my whole life and you have helped me so much without probably even realizing it. Really, you have Gavin.” I said, gently rubbing my thumb across the back of his hand. He was looking at me like the modest person he always was, and I knew he was thinking that he didn’t help me as much as I was telling him he did. “I'm telling you Babe, you’ve helped me more than Jason has, and he’s been my therapist since I was eleven. You’re so great to me and you’re one of the best people I've ever met. Even though it hasn’t been that long that we’ve been together, I really do think I love you.”

“Mason, you really didn’t have to explain yourself; especially not that much,” he chuckled lightly, taking one of his hands out of my grip and placing it on my cheek. “I think I love you too, and I've never told anyone that before besides my family and friends.”

I smiled immensely and leaned up again to kiss him. “I've never told anyone that either; at least other than my family and friends like you said. But I like being able to say it to someone and really mean it, deep down in my soul.”

“I do too,” he smiled, letting his hand fall to my hip. “It’s a great feeling, especially when you know the other person feels the same way.”

I giggled a bit and turned back to my fruit bowl again. I poked at a strawberry and held it up. “More fruit?”

“Of course,” he nodded, smirking and adding on, “My love,” at the end. I blushed lightly and fed him his fruit. He then took the fork from me and picked up a chunk of melon, plopping that in my mouth.

“Why thank you, my love,” I chuckled back after swallowing.

I just vaguely heard a voice coming from the other side of the wall separating the kitchen from Jason’s office coo, “They are just too fucking adorable for their own good,” and light laughter ensue.