A New Kind of Denial

((Greenland had to be changed to Russia because of the fact that Canada-Greenland flights are practically nonexistent))

The trip to Russia was a bit painful for all of us, leading it to be relatively quiet for the whole flight. Keep in mind that this was a near ten hour flight and it was near silent the whole time. Well, it was quiet between the four of us, but the rest of the plane was annoying as hell and wouldn’t shut up. What really pissed me off - and I’m not trying to be racist - was this Asian lady and her small child that were in the seats behind Mason and I. The four of us and the two of them were some of the first to board the plane, and almost as soon as they sat down, that little kid started freaking out. So rather than try to calm him down like a normal mother should, she gave him her iPod touch and had him watch ‘Dora the Explorer’ and ‘Go Diego! Go!’ until the damned thing died. The iPod, not the kid.

That was annoying enough as it was, but what really ticked me off was the woman’s sheer disrespect. When the flight attendant came over the loud speaker, she told everybody to shut off their electronic devices until further notice. This asshole did nothing about her son and instead, pulled out her fancy phone and messed with it for about ten minutes, obviously not turning it off. I don’t know. People like that just make me hate life. I really can’t stand that half of humanity.

There were plenty of things that were getting on my nerves that day, but the majority of them were just from my passionate dislike of airports and planes. I tried to not let all of those things get to me, though, because Mason needed me to be there for him that day. He was just as anxious as he thought he was for this trip, and it was quite obvious even with just one look at him. I tried to comfort him as much as I could, but that’s a hard thing to do sometimes.

This poor boy has been through so much over the years, and I do think this will be good for him. He’s finally going to be getting some sort of closure and he’ll be around three people that really care for him. From what he’s told me about his parents’ death, his aunt was little to no help for Carson and him. They went to the funeral of course, but the only thing their aunt did was sign them up for therapy with Jason. She was never really there for the boys and whenever they wanted to talk about something, she would just call to see if Jason could get them in anytime soon. I mean, without her doing that, they would have never had the level of friendship with Jason that they did, so I guess there were some upsides to her being a horrible guardian.

We were only spending a day in Russia, just so we could do what we came to do. It was in no way a vacation for any of us, and none of us treated it as one. We all felt it too solemn of a trip to even think of it as a vacation. This was a one day trip where we came to honor Carson and scatter his ashes as he wanted them. He said to Mason that, if he could, he’d like to have them thrown off a mountain, or any place on high land, so that “he can be carried through the wind all across the country.” The more Mason talked about Carson and all of his thoughts and wishes on the matter of his death, the more I realized that I was wrong about Carson on a lot of levels. I always thought that he was just arrogant and selfish, but I never realized actually how wrong I was. There was a lot of depth to that boy that I’d never known about and I’m slightly let down that I never got to see that part of him. I’ve only ever known the side of Carson that hated me, and I deeply regret that. Although, looking in hindsight, even if I had wanted to meet that side, I don’t think he would have let me. He was reserved when it came to me; he didn’t like me so he wouldn’t have opened up to me on those softer fronts of his.

Once I realized this, I started thinking about my presence on this trip. If I wasn’t there for Mason, to keep him even a bit more sane and to comfort him, I really would have no place coming. I barely knew Carson and I’d had the wrong image of him the entire time that I did. I wasn’t close with him like the other three were. I didn’t know the good sides of him and to be honest, I didn’t think he even had any to begin with. If not for Mason, I would be just about the last person to go with them for this. It just wasn’t my place and I felt wrong being there.

Mason must have sensed my uneasiness, because even in the midst of his anxiety and worry, he turned to me at one point, grasped my hand reassuringly and asked, “Are you okay, Gavin? You’re tense right now. And this tense has a different feeling than your annoyed-tenseness. What’s going on?”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve got enough to deal with right now; you don’t need my issues piled on top of that.”

“Now that’s bullshit,” he scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Look at me,” he commanded softly, taking his free hand and placing it under my chin, forcing me to face him. “I don’t want you doing this. Ah - no, don’t ask me. You know what you’re doing.” I had opened my mouth, but when he shushed me, he placed his fingertips on my lips. He moved them off now, letting his thumb linger slightly on my bottom lip. It was almost sensual, in a way, without it even meaning to be. My eyes fluttered shut for a second and opened again to see him looking at me knowingly. “You’re trying to be strong for the both of us, and while I appreciate that, it’s slightly unnecessary. Yes, I’m freaking out here and love that you’re here to alleviate some of that, but you don’t need to be holding onto your and my issues. So tell me what’s going through your mind. What’s messing with you?”

I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath to get a grip on myself. My head fell back onto his shoulder softly and I leaned into him, thoroughly fed up with fighting myself. It was the middle of the might and we were some of the only people awake in our section of the plane. We were told that we would land somewhere between seven and eight in the morning, Moscow time. There’s an eight hour time difference between them and us, so we’d be arriving there around midnight our time. Long distance flights are crazy in the time aspect. Mason and I were having extreme difficulties sleeping, probably a majority of the reason being from our comparable anxiety. I was terribly tired still, and it felt wonderful to lay my head against Mason, but even if I tried, I doubted I would fall asleep. Plus, Mason was expecting an answer out of me at any time.

“I just don’t feel like I should be here,”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I barely knew Carson, and he pretty much hated me, so I guess I just don’t feel like I’m the greatest candidate to go on this trip with you guys. I mean, I’m glad to be here to help and everything, I just, I don’t know,” I sighed, not knowing what else to say without sounding stupid. “I just feel kind of wrong here I guess. Like I shouldn’t be here or something.”

“He didn’t hate you, you know,” he whispered very quietly.

“Well he sure as hell didn’t like me,”

“True,” he nodded, “but I’m sure that if he saw how much you’re helping me by being here with me, he’d probably like you a bit more. He didn’t like you because he was jealous - he even told me once - and I think he was kind of worried about me. He’s always been kind of protective over me and I always thought that was one reason he didn’t like you. It was like he was afraid you would hurt me or something. I think that he’d be really happy that you’re taking care of me so well right now, actually.”

“I always thought he just hated me,” I said, almost in disbelief. I sat there for a bit, mulling over everything he just told me. “But that just goes to show you how little I knew about him. To be honest, I always thought he was pretty shallow and self-centered.”

“Well, he kind of was, especially when you were around, so I don’t blame you for thinking that. But he didn’t hate you, and like I said, he wouldn’t care how well you knew him. As long as you’re here taking care of me like this, he’d be glad you’re with us. So I don’t want you thinking that you shouldn’t be here, alright? Because even if nobody else does - which they do - I want you here, and that is all that matters.”

I still had my head leant against his shoulder, so I picked it up to look at him clearly again. I grabbed his chin lightly as he did to mine earlier and brought it down so I could kiss him softly. “Thank you Mason.”

“It’s no problem at all,” he smiled wearily. He was obviously tired, and I know I was too, so we both tried to sleep again. Maybe once we had that talk, we would both sleep a little better. I leaned onto his shoulder again and smiled as I felt his head rest on mine, his hair cascading softly across mine. As I closed my eyes, I immediately started drifting into a much appreciated and more peaceful dreamland. Right before I slipped through, I called out softly.

“Hey Mason?”

“Yeah Gavin?” he answered, just barely coherent.

“I love you; you know that, right?”

I smiled groggily as he answered, “I do; and I love you too.”

Needless to say, I slept soundly for the rest of the night and woke up smiling.