The Edge of the World

Nobody had prepared me for this. There was no warning, not so much as a whisper as to what would be around that corner. It was all so sudden. One minute, I was enjoying the scenic walk with the rest of the group. The next, I was standing on the edge of the very world itself.

If you asked me to explain why I was so afraid of heights, I don't think that I would really be able to tell you. Perhaps it's the fear of falling? But then the logical part of my brain tells me that's not possible as long as I stay back. I even feel the fear when there's a window or railing blocking me from the endless drop into nothingness.

But right now, there was nothing blocking my path to destruction. I was frozen, my knees weak, my mouth dry, feeling myself beginning to shake. The group was a little way ahead, admiring the scenery. No one seemed to notice that I had turned into a quivering wreck behind them. I didn't want them to notice, if truth be told. However, I knew that soon it would become obvious, because there was no way, come Hell or high water, that I was going to go any closer to the cliff edge. No way. Not if you paid me, no sir.

By all means, I should have enjoyed the scenery around me. It was beautiful. The grass was tall and lush and a deeper green than I had ever seen it before. Wild flowers grew wherever the had the desire to grow, and bees lazily buzzed around them, collecting from them and calmly flying on. Spiders sat in their webs in the warm sun, swaying in the light breeze, and I imagined them to have their eyes closed as they dozed in the sun. Even though we were so high up (the thought made me feel slightly sick) the breeze was light and it was relatively silent. Only the occasional spatter of laughter reached me from the group ahead.

Of course, the beauty for me ended a little way ahead. For others, it was breathtaking as they saw the green of the grass vanish into the dark blue of the horizon and the lighter blue of the summer sky. The sea, what felt like hundreds of metres below us, was calm and the gentle crash of waves only just reached us. For them, it was a serene moment with the beauty of nature.

Form me, it was a journey to the very gates of Hell.

I focused on my feet, trying to reassure myself with the fact that the ground beneath them was solid and thick, and that I wasn't going anywhere. There was no logical reason as to why I should fall, as I was so far back from the cliff edge. However, piercing my thoughts was the image of cliff edges crumbling away into the sea. My knees shook as I imaged the ground slipping and sliding away from me as I tried desperately to save myself, only to drag me over the edge into that unknown, that total nothingness, until I reached the cruel cold sea below. I doubt that they would ever find my body.

Someone called to me then, obviously wondering what I was doing. I was still in the safe zone, I imaged. They would think I was taking in the view. However, I couldn't bring myself to assure them verbally that this was what I was doing. I was frozen, mute, waiting for the inevitable moment where the ground beneath me would give way and I would plummet to my death, never to be seen again. Of course, the logical part of my brain was laughing at me, and I couldn't really blame it. Of course I knew it was totally irrational, but I was of the firm belief that something had happened to me in a past life or something. It wasn't right for me to be this unconditionally terrified. Whether I was on the eighteenth floor of a hotel, on top of a cliff, or in an elevator going to the top floor, I was always terrified. As for roller coasters and flying - well! That wasn't ever going to happen as long as I had a say in it.

The person who had called to me beforehand was coming over to me now, worry etched onto her face. As tour guides went she was very entertaining and informative, not trotting out the usual things that people didn't care about. The fact that I was so fond of her made me feel even more embarrassed, and I felt my cheeks burning red as she came over.

"Are you all right?" she asked gently, and I tried to force a smile. I failed. Instead, I sighed and mutely pointed to the cliff face and shook my head. I felt like a child who had just had a nightmare, not the twenty-three year old woman I was meant to be. I felt tears stinging my eyes at the unfairness of it all, and of course, the fear that she might just tell me to get my act together and continue on.

She glanced in the direction I was pointing and then looked back at me, confusion now replacing most of the worry. I became aware I was visibly shaking.

"I -" I croaked. I hated admitting it. "I'm terrified of heights," I eventually muttered lamely, looking at my feet like a child who was being scolded by an angry mother.

She reacted in the same way as everyone I had told did. Reassuring me that there was no way I could fall, that it was no threat, that it would be fine if I walked on the inside of the group, but my mind was made up. I was going no further. I can't remember how long we stood there and debated for, but eventually she realized that making me go any further would probably give me a mental breakdown. I was already sounding rather hysterical and I hated the fact I was making a scene. I could almost hear the rest of the group laughing at me, although I knew rationally that this wasn't the case at all.

I only calmed down when I had broken away from the group and made my unstable and hurried descent back through the grass and through the woods and down onto the beautiful sandy beach. I began to breathe properly as I sat down, finally at sea level, and I turned slightly to look at the cliff face high above me. It annoyed me that I had missed out on another opportunity, simple as that opportunity was.

Upset that my fear had won again, I sighed and stood up. Perhaps next time, even though I knew that if I had my way, there would most certainly not be a next time.