Lost & Found.

Tears stung at my eyes and I was almost bawling by the time Fox came back to the store, which, surprisingly enough, was full of lively looking young women. I had felt guilty for ever suspecting anything else until Fox went ahead and told them what I wanted done. He’d said it quiet enough so that I couldn’t hear it, but I was always expecting the worst when it came to him. This time it surpassed my expectations.

I looked just like Kendra.

It broke me down.

“What’s wrong?” his familiar voice sounded frantically next to my ear as he bent over, wrapping his arms around me. We were too close for just meeting.

I hated him.

I really just hated him.

“Go away,” I muttered, standing up, throwing a thirty on the counter, not caring how much that did or didn’t pay for. I ran out the door and straight for the car, jumping into the driver’s seat, completely forgetting that Fox had the keys.

Why did he have to make it so impossible to run from him?

He was panting when he slid into the warm car. “What happened? Are you okay? Is it too short? I didn’t have them cut too much off. I’m sorry.” It was said so fast that I could hardly catch it at all, but I didn’t care anyway.

“I’m fine,” I snapped, reaching for the keys and pulling them straight from his hand. I wasn’t going to wait.

We drove in silence until the dirty motel came into view. “We’re getting a new room,” I stated, throwing him the keys, “get the shit in the car.” I walked to the main office, determined on finding an entirely different place.

“Wait,” he paused and I assumed it was because he never knew my real name. I never told him, I never had the chance, so if he did know that would mean he went through my stuff. “Rabbit! Wait!” I sped up in response.

I was sure that with one look at his lost puppy-dog face, that I know he’s making, my mind would crumble and I would just completely loose it. “We’re checking out of room one-oh-nine,” I told the short person standing behind the counter. Her name tag read Hayley.

I didn’t care.

“Okie dokie,” she smiled and I grimaced back, telling myself that it might be able to pass as a smile.

Her voice annoyed me and almost haunted me as I walked back through the parking lot and went straight to my car, motioning for Fox to get out. He was not driving. “How many fingers am I holding up?” he asked, I rolled my eyes.

“Does it matter?” I could hear the tears soaking my voice.

“Yes.” He was holding up two fingers and I could see that clearly, but I could also see his point.

“I don’t care, I’m driving,” I muttered, trying to pull him out.

“Oh, yeah? And what if we crash?” he asked, his face turning red in his agitation and frustration.

“Then you can sue. It’s my car. Get the fuck out,” I yelled. He stood up, pushing me backwards with his shoulder as he walked past, and I wiped my eyes before sitting in the seat he’d recently inhabited. I started the car with ease and pulled onto the highway, glancing at the disgruntled Fox next to me out of the corner of my eye.

“Please, Rabbit,” he started, but I didn’t want to hear it.

“Not until you use my name.”

“You,” he paused, not know what to say, “I,” there was nothing to say.

I hit the dial that turned the radio on and it blared back at me, playing the quiet song as loudly as it could. I knew the words, but that didn’t mean I had to sing along.

‘Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life. As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last choice...’

This was one of the few songs that my sister and I would both listen to. It used to be her favorite, she used to chide me for not understanding what it was about. I still didn’t get it, I still really didn’t care, but I couldn’t ignore the way the words stung at my heart.

I slammed my hand against the dial, turning it off, ignoring Fox’s looks.

~~~

I laid in my new bed, I’d checked into a new hotel. An actual hotel with white sheets and cable and a functioning bathroom. I had gotten my own room, too, telling Fox that I didn’t care what he did. He insisted on sleeping on the pullout in my room, I insisted on him not.

I won.

But he had gotten the room on the other side of the wall.

I sat in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, just staring into the mirror, brushing silently through my newly died, dark brown, locks. The fell in messy layers an inch or so below my shoulders. My bright blue eyes glared back at me, rimmed in red, filled to the brim with guilt. How could I leave her alone with that monster I used to call a mother?

The action seemed impossible now, but it had happened.

I could only imagine what she was going through right now.

A choked sob escaped my lips as I threw the hairbrush down and stormed out of the small room, prying the other mirror off of the wall and placing it on the ground, face down. I launched myself onto the bed, letting my tears soak the pillow.

I didn’t want to think about her or my father. I didn’t want to think about Kendra. I didn’t want to think about Fox, and how he must be feeling.

But I did.

Mostly, I just felt bad. I left Kendra behind and I was pushing Fox away. I was punishing him for something he didn’t even know he did. He had no idea that I had a younger sister. He had no clue at what I was running from. He didn’t know that I left her behind. It’s not like he hadn’t tried to figure it all out, because he had. I knew that I wasn’t helping him in understanding, but I couldn’t help it.

I’d been trying to run from this all along, and he brought the past right back to face me.

Suddenly, I found myself wondering what I was really running from. Was it my sister? Was it my father’s death? Was it her?

Or was it myself?