All I Can Do

The nurse sat Jonathan down in his room. She helped him onto his bed, even though he was ten times heavier than her, and his muscles weren’t quite working enough to support some of the weight. Once he was in bed, she pulled a sheet over him and let him lay back in comfort.

He looked at her, waiting for her to continue what they were talking about in Farren’s room. What did he have to know? However, she was pulling the whole ‘dramatic pause’ thing, and was looking at her files and written notes instead of addressing what she’d began to explain to him.

Jonathan sighed, shutting his eyes in pure annoyance. He needed to know everything about her and most definitely everything about her injuries. There was nothing he couldn’t handle at this point, it needed to be laid flat and it couldn’t be soft around the edges. He needed reality, and not get let down easily.

With a breath, he glanced at the nurse through nearly shut eyes, “Nurse.”

Like she forgot he was there, she turned around sharply, “Yes, Mr. Toews?”

“What do I need to know?” he asked and when she just looked at him, he spoke more sharply, “About Farren, what do I need to know about Farren?”

She gave a soft smile and wheeled the now empty wheelchair closer to the bed, where she sat, and reached over and grabbed Jonathan’s hand. In a gesture much like he had made to the unknown girl in the bed.

“The accident,” The nurse began to explain, peering from beneath her black rimmed glasses, “The one that you were involved in-.”

Jonathan promptly cut her off, “- The one that I caused <b />

The nurse took a breath and put a firmer grip on Jon’s hand, “You see, Mr. Toews, that’s what we have to discuss. Contrary to your beliefs, you were not<b /> at fault for the accident. She was turning left on a red light, Ms. Walker is at fault, it was her mistake, this was her cause, not yours.”

Jonathan pulled his hand away from hers, even though it sent a shooting pain throughout his body. Wincing, he pulled it to his chest and held it still, “How can you blame somebody who is two breaths away from dying?!”

The nurse sighed and placed her hands comfortably in her lap, “I’m not blaming her for her injuries, or anything that happened to her. The accident occurred because she made a mistake while behind the wheel Mr. Toews and the police have noted that. Her condition is not your fault, the family doesn’t want you to feel guilty.”

Jonathan snapped, somewhere inside of him, he lost it. In a quick motion, he reached over to the side table and sent his water and telephone flying onto the floor. His messy brown hair and now angered brown eyes were aiming straight towards the nurse now, his jaw tight.

“Don’t give me that shit!” He yelled, voice booming off of the walls, “I hit <b /> her! I could have avoided it, but I didn’t! Who gives a fuck <b /> if she was making a left turn, I had plenty of time to swerve out of the way, or hit the brakes for Christ sake!”

The nurse just looked at him, letting him lash out. She knew in time he’d realize that nothing was his fault. There was only a few milliseconds separating his car from hers, it was impossible to avoid. She had made a wrong move and didn’t give him time to avoid it- one day, he’d see it that way.

However, Jonathan wasn’t done.

“And don’t give me that shit about the family not wanting me to feel guilty!” he screamed even louder, “I saw the way they looked at me! I saw her father’s face, he wanted to fucking kill me! That’s his DAUGHTER for fuck sakes, that’s his pride and fucking joy and I put her in a fucking hospital on life support. They couldn’t care less how I feel!”

Finally, the nurse had had enough hollering. She stood, pushing the wheelchair to the side and gave him a solid, stern look. Jonathan stopped, chest rising and falling, a burning feeling behind his eyes- and straight glared at her.

“I won’t be spoken to like that, Mr. Toews,” she said calmly, resting her hands on the back of the wheelchair, “Get some rest.”

Jonathan groaned, dropping his head to his pillows as the nurse exited the room. Now he felt like an even bigger dick. The one woman who helped him, allowed him to see Farren, he just totally shut out. He yelled and utterly disrespected her. He was just getting worse by the minute.

He’d apologize tomorrow. At least she was still conscious to apologize to. He could make it up to her, he still had time. It was a different story from Farren’s. Farren wasn’t conscious and he couldn’t make it up to her, he didn’t have time.

Quietly, he looked out of his hospital window. It was dark, but it would soon be morning. He would get to sit next to her again and apologize, pray and watch her. He’d get to help her. Jonathan shut his eyes, fighting off the feeling to cry.

“Please make her better,” he whispered... to nobody in particular.

Somewhere in the hospital, in a room full of awaiting family and friends, a girl lay still. One could only imagine what was going through her head, what she was dreaming about, if she’d ever make it out of that dream. When she did though, there’d be a new face awaiting her- one day he was going to see her eyes... and he was going to apologize to them.