letters

Dear Tom,
I'm sorry for how this laid out. I never wanted to hurt anyone
especially you. I love you. I never meant to come to England to fall
in love. I just wanted to live in a small town where people didn't
know me. I just wanted to go unnoticed and do my art. I didn't need a
job since my parents paid for everything which helped because it would
let me stay at home. That day I met you I knew things would change and
that's why I didn't respond at first. I knew I would be hurting you.
You didn't understand why I wanted to be alone and unattached to
anyone. I remember one day at the cafe I always went to; you saying.
"no one likes to be alone. Even when they are dying.". After that you
became my best friend. I told you most things about me. Like how I
love blue eyes or that I use to eat glue when I was little. You never
judged me for anything just laughed with me and told me your funny
stories of you and your brother. Cups of coffee and tea were gone over
those months. I remember those days that I didn't want to get out of
bed you'd show up at my flat with 3 coffees and a scone to split.
You'd let yourself in and get everything ready then ask why I wasn't
up for goin to the cafe. I always said that I was lazy or too tired.
Everyday that happened I felt bad for lying to you. You deserved much
better than me. That I will never get. Why did you choose me? Gorgeous
models danced at your feet and you chose me. Boring plain jane girl.
I'd lie to you then get that movie you'd always be up to watching
Donnie Darko. You got to a point where you knew every word to every
scene. I knew that I was getting attached and so were you. I should
have just told you to leave and forget about me but I couldn't.
Everytime I tried I would think back to the day I met you and your
goofy grin. The day you introduced me to your family I knew you wanted
something serious. The night after we slept together I knew there was
no turning back. After that you held my head when my stomach
threatened to come up. You thought you got me pregnant but really I
knew time was getting short. 3 weeks of throwing up you finally took
me to the doctors. I wish though that you didn't I didn't want you to
know. I wanted to leave that night. You didn't know why it was taking
the doctor so long for a pregnancy test or why they took so many test.
You found me on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out. I had to tell
you before the doctor did. I didn't want you to be hurt that I held
this from you. I didn't want you to look at me with eyes of pity. God
that would have made it worse. When I told you that I had cancer you
cried with me. I held onto you for dear life afraid that what the
doctor would say would be worse than when it started. Then came the
day the doctor called with news that shattered us all. The cancer had
spread to every organ in my body and that I had very few weeks left.
The doctor mentioned that we should start funeral arrangements. That
day we went to your family and it broke my heart to see Carol and Ian
cry. Oli tried being brave and holding back tears but you could see it
on all your faces. I was hurting all of you. I couldn't bear it I had
to leave. You tried to stop me remember by saying that you didn't care
that I was dying. Bull shit. I saw it on your face. You had bags under
your eyes, your eyes were blood shot and you were pale. I had to stop
this before it consumed you. Tom this letter is my love for you. I'm
leaving now so that when I die you'll be able to move on. Your 21 and
have a whole life to find another girl to love. You've spent to much
time with a sick woman that you need a healthy woman to make you
happy. I will always remember everything we've done together.

I love you,
Marly
July 17th, 2010