I'm Walking on an Edge; That's How I Stay Alive

I rolled over, sighing. Another sleepless night, I guess. I grabbed my iPhone and looked at the time, 3:44. I can't sleep. I unlocked my phone and went to my pictures. The last picture I took of Noelle was of her smiling and making a heart with her hands. It was at the show as we were going to the hotel. I lied back down, and took a deep breath. Suddenly, I heard Kennedy's sleepy voice.

"Noelle? It's almost four, are you okay?"

I bit my lip.

"Oh, Noelle, don't cry, I miss you, too."

My eyes widened. Did she miss Ken or me? I wanted to find out.

"I can't wait to see you either, baby. How are the girls?"

I hate one sided conversations.

"Oh, the guys are fine. I'm a little worried about John, though," a short pause, "Because he hasn't been getting enough sleep lately. I don't know, but I hope he's okay. I told him he can always talk to me if he needs to."

I grabbed my phone and went to my texts. I brought up her name.

I'm awake and can hear Kenny talking. Why are you crying?

I turned my phone on vibrate so Kennedy wouldn't hear. She responded a few seconds later.

Because I miss you, and I miss him, and I'm torn. Plus, you aren't supposed to be texting me. And I shouldn't be answering.

I sighed. I knew that already.

Take a picture and send it to me. I'll send you one.

I took a picture of me biting my lip and she responded with 'okay.' I sent her the picture and she sent me a picture of her. Her dark hair was piled in a messy bun and she was wearing a hoodie from our high school. She was giving a shy smile and making a heart with her hands. I saved it immediately.

"Get some sleep, baby, I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Alright."

I sighed heavily and rolled over. My phone vibrated again and I got a picture of Noelle with my name and a heart written on her hand, and her biting her lip. I saved the picture and sighed. I needed to fall asleep.

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I decided to get up around 9:30. I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans and a random blue v-neck shirt. I grabbed a beanie and threw it over my hair, not bothering with it. I put my vans on and walked into the front lounge. Pat was up on his laptop. He looked up and saw me walking over to the fridge.

"Hey John," he said, smiling.

I smiled back, "Hey Pat."

"You okay?" he asked.

I shrugged, "I don't know."

He sighed, "John, we're worried about you. You aren't sleeping, and you don't talk to us. We don't want you to isolate yourself. We're here for you."

I smiled, "Thanks, Pat, but I think I'm just homesick."

He nodded, "I understand. We all are. Just try and get some sleep, you know?"

I smiled again, "Thanks. I think I'm gonna go for a walk."

He nodded again, "Okay."

I went to my bunk and grabbed my earphones. I plugged them into my iPhone and put my music on shuffle. I went outside and looked around. There wasn't much around, but I had my phone in case I got lost.

I couldn't get Noelle out of my head. Not knowing if she was gonna pick me was killing me. But at least I know she was feeling as bad. No, that doesn't help, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I ran a hand down my face. Never has a girl captivated me this much. I haven't heard her voice in a week.

I fucked up. I shouldn't have suggested her leaving Kenny. That was selfish. This is all selfish of me. Fuck, she probably will realize that and not pick me. But I need her to pick me. I feel like I can't breathe without her. I wish I could tell her that. I only texted her because I needed to. I shouldn't have. Maybe I should post something on Twitter and see if she knows its about her.

I grabbed my iPhone out of my pocket and signed onto my Twitter app.

I cannot breathe without you. Your essence is my oxygen.

I closed it and waited for her Twitter update. I got them texted to my phone. My phone beeped a minute later and I opened it quickly.

I miss you and the way you swing those sexy hips.

I actually smiled a true smile for the first time. I thought about responding for a minute.

The words have been pulled past my lips and shot back at me.

I put my phone back in my pocket, and a few minutes later, it rang again.

Beautiful.

I smiled. Even though my fears haven't been put to rest, she still makes me smile.