I'm Walking on an Edge; That's How I Stay Alive

"You look miserable."

I looked up and saw Nicole standing in the doorway of my bedroom.

"I feel pathetic," I said, looking through my pictures of John on my phone.

She walked in and sat on my bed. I was looking at the picture he sent me early this morning. She leaned over and looked at the picture.

"That's new, when did he send that?"

I sighed, "Like 4 this morning."

Nicole rolled her eyes, "I thought you guys weren't talking."

I looked up at her, tears in my eyes.

"We're not."

She sighed, "Noelle, do you think John is curled up in bed, crying over you?"

I shrugged, turning away from her and wrapping my blanket tighter around me.

"Noelle, do I have to call John and make him talk to you so you'll stop?"

I shook my head, "I can't talk to him."

"Put on some of his music," she suggested, "His new cd is out, listen to it."

I looked over my shoulder at her, "Seriously?"

She just pulled it up and started playing a song. My eyes started watering at the chorus.

Don't listen to the world, they say we're never gonna make it.
Don't listen to your friends, they would've never let us start.
And don't listen to the voices in your head, listen to your heart.

Nicole's eyes widened as she looked at me.

"Dude!" she exclaimed.

"Turn it off," I begged as tears streamed down my face, "Please!"

She quickly shut off the music as I cried harder.

"Oh, Noelle, I know it hurts--"

"No!" I screamed, "You have no idea how much this kills me! I feel like I can't breathe, Nicole! This is worse than any heartbreak. He's all I can think about. I close my eyes and he's there. I can't stop thinking about him! When I close my eyes, I see his face. I can't listen to music because everything I listen to reminds me of him. I feel like I need to kiss him. Not that I want to, I fucking need to!"

Nicole just hugged me as I cried into her shoulder, my heart aching for John.

"I don't know what to do," I sobbed, "Kenny is so sweet, but I need John."

She ran her hand soothingly up and down my back.

"Everything will be okay," she whispered, "You'll end up with the right boy for you."

I nodded and detached myself from her, smiling sadly, "Thanks Nicole. I'm gonna try and get some sleep."

Nicole got up and walked out of my room. I lied back down, looking at the picture he sent me. God, he looked fucking miserable. And that's my fault. I looked at the time and saw it was almost time to go to work. I grabbed my uniform and changed into it. I wiped my tears and walked out of my room. Adrianna and Nicole were sitting in the kitchen.

"I'll be back after work, guys."

"Bye!" they both called.

I went to my car and turned it on. The Maine blared through my car. I felt tears return to my eyes as I shut it off. I drove the short ride to work, trying to clear my head in silence. I walked into work.

"Hey Noelle," my manager, Shannon, said as I clocked in.

I smiled half heartedly, "Hi."

"You're gonna be on table, okay?"

I nodded as I walked around to where the food is made. I grabbed a pair of gloves and slid them on. One of my good friends Raye was there, too.

"Hey girl, how are you?" she asked, putting ketchup on a cheeseburger.

Carlos, the person I was taking over for, walked past me, smiling. I nodded at him as I finished the cheeseburger.

"I've been better," I said.

She passed me another sandwich, "What's up? Still this John/Kenny thing?"

I nodded, "Yeah. I couldn't sleep last night and I called Kenny, crying. I guess John couldn't sleep either because he texted me and asked me who I was crying over."

She shook her head sympathetically, "Sorry Elle," she sighed, "I know this is hard for you."

"He sent me a picture last night," I said.

She smiled, "Can I see it?"

I took my phone out of my pocket and pressed the button to make the picture show up. She smiled.

"Look at his eyes," she said, grabbing the mayonnaise, "He looks miserable."

I looked at the picture again and saw his eyes looked the same as they did when I left him in the hotel room.

"Have you talked to him?" she asked.

I shook my head, "No. We were texting at like four this morning and we went back and forth on Twitter sort of inconspicuously, but that's it. Oh, and his voice was blaring in my car when I got here."

Raye shook her head, "So, you obviously love John," she said, "What's stopping you from being with him?"

"Ladies! I understand you wanna talk, but how about working?"

I glared at Jim, a manager who transferred from a different store, "I've been working since I got here! What the hell?"

"I don't mean to pick on you, Noelle, but you two need to move a little faster."

I rolled my eyes and passed him the sandwich I had just finished.

"So?" Raye asked, "What's stopping you from going with John?"

I sighed as we continued working, "Kennedy is so sweet. I can't hurt him like that. He doesn't deserve it. But he doesn't deserve what I'm doing to him now."

----------------------------------------------------

A few hours into my shift, I looked at Jim.

"Can I get a cigarette break, Jim?"

He nodded, "Yeah, it's pretty slow. But if you see it pick up, come back in?"

I just nodded back and took my gloves off. I grabbed my purse and walked outside. I lit a 27 and sat on the curb. My phone started vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out to see John's name flashing across the screen. I stared at it for a minute, before sliding my finger across the screen to answer.

"Hello?"

I heard nothing but silence.

"John," I said, taking a drag of my cigarette, "Why are you calling me?"

I heard a choked breath, a sob, and then the phone hung up. My eyes widened and I sent John a text, my eyes watering.

Just tell me you're physically okay.

I felt tears falling as my phone vibrated.

No, I can't breathe without you.

I put my cigarette out and walked back inside.

"Are you okay?" Jim asked.

I wiped my eyes, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You aren't crying because of me, right?" Jim asked.

I rolled my eyes, "No."

I walked back on table and saw Raye watching me.

"What happened?" she asked.

I didn't stop the tears from forming, "John called. He didn't say anything, but he gasped and sobbed, then hung up. I texted him and asked if he was physically okay, and he said that he can't breathe without me."

Raye gave me a tight hug.

"Everything will work out."