I'm Walking on an Edge; That's How I Stay Alive

I woke up to Kennedy's ringtone blasting through my room. It has been a month and a half since I came home and a month since I've properly spoken to John. I groggily looked at his smiling face and slid my finger across the bottom of the screen to answer him.

"Babe, it's like 4 in the morning," I said.

"I know, Noelle, and I'm sorry, but I need your help."

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, "What's up, babe?"

"John is at a bar right now, nobody knows where, and he's drunk, and he won't come back to the bus and we need to get going! Please call him and talk to him!"

My heart was racing, "Why me, Ken?"

He groaned, "I'm at my wit's end right now, Noelle. I don't know what else to do! Please help me!"

I took a deep breath, "Okay, Kenny, I'll try."

He breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank you. Call me when you hang up with him."

I tapped the 'end call' button, then scrolled through my phone book until I got to John's name. I tapped his name, then his number.

"Why're you calling me?" he slurred.

"John, go back to your bus," I said in a stern voice.

"Why? I don't wanna. I've got nothing to live for," he slurred again.

"You have a shit load of fans who will be very disappointed if you don't show up to the next show. You have amazing people in your band that will do anything for you. And right now, they need you to get on the bus. Drink some water and go to sleep until your show."

"That all pales to insignificance because I don't have you, Noelle," he said, sounding almost sober.

I froze, "You don't know what you're saying, John."

"I know exactly what I'm fucking saying," he snapped.

"John, listen--"

"No, Noelle, you listen," he snapped again, "I've sat here for two years and watched you and Kennedy. I've seen all the fights and all the cute little love sick things you guys do. It eats at me, Noelle. I never thought you'd wanna be with me. And then we started getting together, and I felt like I was on top of the world, because I had you, if only for a little while. When we were hiding in the closet and I said something about you breaking up with Kennedy, I only said that to protect myself, because I didn't want you to reject a relationship with me. Because rejection itself hurts, but rejection from you hurts so much worse. But when you reacted the way you did, I knew you wouldn't reject the idea. I want you to break up with Kennedy, not because I want to hurt him. That's the last thing I want. I want you to break up with him because I want you, Noelle. I want you all to myself, and I don't care how selfish that sounds."

"Are you at the bus, John?" I asked, tears streaming down my face.

"Did you listen to a fucking word I said?!" he asked.

"Yes, I listened to every word you said. I'll take it into consideration when I think about if I want you or Kennedy," I whispered.

"No, fuck that. It's not one or the other, Noelle. It's when will I get all of you, because I won't stop until I get you," he said fiercely.

"Go to sleep, John," I sobbed, "I'll see you soon."

"Are you crying, Noelle?"

"John, go to sleep," I begged.

"Good night, Noelle," he said softly, "Sorry I made you cr--"

I hung up. I couldn't talk to him anymore. I cried myself to sleep that night.

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The next morning I woke up to a text from John:

Thank you for getting me back on the bus, the guys are a little pissed. Sorry for making you cry.

I deleted the text immediately. I got up and walked over to Nicole's room, her door was open. She was doing her hair.

"Hey," she said, "I heard Ken's ringtone at like 4 this morning, was he okay?"

I sat on her bed, "John was drunk and wouldn't go back to the bus, so Kenny decided I needed to call him and get him back there."

She looked at me through the mirror, "Oh yeah? How'd that go?"

"He had a long, epic speech about how he wanted me for himself and that he wasn't gonna stop fighting till I was his," I said, "And I ended up crying myself to sleep."

She sighed, "Again?"

I just nodded. Last night had been the first night I didn't cry myself to sleep since I got home.

She turned around, "I guess you have to make a decision soon."

There was a knock on the door. Nicole and I looked and saw Danielle and Adrianna. Adrianna smiled at me and walked over to me.

"Hey, haven't seen you in a few days," she leaned down and gave me a hug.

I hugged her back, "Our opposite schedules," I said as she pulled away.

She smiled and winked, "What can ya do? Anyway, what decision are you making?"

I ignored Danielle, who was looking anywhere but at me, "Kennedy or John."

Adrianna's eyes widened, "Catch me up, please!"

Nicole laughed, "You do it," she said to me.

"Well, John had me pinned against the wall in a closet and told me to break up with Kennedy so he was out of the way. I got pissed, but then he was being sexy during Pour Some Sugar On Me, so we had a 'movie night' and we had sex. When he came, he told me he was in love with me. I freaked out and then he told me to pick him or Kennedy by the time they came home. Last night, Ken called me and told me John was drunk and I needed to talk him back onto the bus. So I called John and he ended up telling me that he wants me, like in a relationship," I explained.

"I'm sorry for calling you a whore," Danielle said quietly.

I looked at her and she looked sincere, "It's fine," I answered.

Adrianna looked deep in thought, "So, should we do a list of pros and cons?"

Nicole laughed, "No. Noelle can tell us why she likes each of them. We're not writing anything."

They all looked at me.

"What do you like about Kennedy?" Adrianna asked.

I thought for a minute, choosing my words, "He's sweet. He's a perfect gentleman. He's the nicest boy in the world and would do anything for anyone. He's adorable and he's funny."

"What about John?" Danielle asked.

"He's also a perfect gentleman. He drives me crazy with his smile and his voice and his eyes. His kisses make me feel like I can fly. But he can break my heart in a second, and the fact that he has that power scares me."

We all sat quietly.

"So, they're both perfect gentleman?" Adrianna asked.

I nodded. Her and Nicole laughed, "Looks like I need a boyfriend from the Maine then," Nicole said with a giggle.

I smiled and rolled my eyes, and Danielle laughed.

"What about when Kennedy kisses you?" Adrianna asked.

"I feel safe. I feel like nothing can hurt me."

"And John?"

"He takes me higher. I'm untouchable, and sometimes I have to remind myself that he isn't mine because I want to just kiss him all the time."

"What's stopping you, then?" Adrianna asked.

"Kennedy is the sweetest boy, I've been with him for two years. I already feel horrible for doing this to him."

"Should you tell Kennedy?" Danielle asked hesitantly, "You know, give him a chance to fight for himself?"

I sighed, "No, he would just say 'whatever makes you happy.'"

"So, John said he's gonna fight until you're his," Nicole said, "and Kennedy would leave the decision up to you? Think about that, Noelle."

I sighed, "I know, but you guys don't know Kennedy like I do."

Adrianna smiled at me, "Well, we support whatever decision you make."

"Yeah, all of us," Danielle said.

I smiled at her, "Thanks."