I'm Walking on an Edge; That's How I Stay Alive

"John, you alright?"

I looked at Garrett, who had just spoken. I shook my head.

"What's going on?" he asked, "You wanna talk about it?"

I nodded, looking around, not spotting anyone else in the back room. They were up front playing video games. I sat down on the couch and ran a hand through my hair.

"What's up?" Garrett asked, sitting next to me.

I sighed, "Its...its about Noelle."

He looked confused, "What about her?"

"I'm in love with her," I said quietly.

His eyes widened, "A-are you sure?"

I nodded, "I'm sure."

He sighed, "Well, does she know?"

"I told her as I was fucking her," I said, watching him carefully.

His eyes got even wider, "John, you didn't!"

I sighed and nodded, looking away from Garrett.

"It w-was just a one time thing, right?" I heard him say quietly.

I took a deep breath and looked back at him, shaking my head, "It's been going on for over six months."

Garrett put his hand on his forehead, "Oh, John. If Kennedy finds out, he's gonna be crushed. The other day, he was talking about proposing to her!"

I chuckled at the irony, "It's not funny!" Garrett exclaimed.

I shook my head, "I'm just laughing at the irony of the situation. Ken is thinking about proposing to her and she's seriously debating breaking up with him to be with me."

"Oh God," Garrett said, "This is deeper than I thought."

I nodded, "Yeah, it is."

"Well, when was the last time you talked to her?" he asked.

"A few weeks ago when I was drunk and wouldn't come back to the bus. I guess Kennedy called her and asked her to call me, not knowing what to do."

"And what happened?"

"I told her I wasn't gonna give up on her," I said, "In more words, but that's the basics."

He nodded, "And she?"

"Started crying," I said.

Garrett nodded again, "And when was the last time you saw her?"

I sighed, "You know our movie nights?" I asked.

Garrett nodded, "Yes.."

"Well, it's not exactly a move night," I admitted.

Garrett nodded again, "Go on."

"So, we were having sex, and I told her that I was in love with her. She freaked out and left the tour entirely. She had to come back for her movies after she basically broke my heart."

Garrett nodded, "And she wants you too?"

I nodded, "So she says."

He thought for a moment, "And her reason for not being with you?"

I sighed, "I'd assume it's because she doesn't want to hurt Kennedy."

He nodded, "I'd assume that as well. Kennedy is what she's known for two years. It's less of a risk than if she was to be with you."

"But love is about taking a risk," I said.

"I know, John, but girls have delicate emotions. And going from Kenny to you is a big risk."

I nodded silently. We sat in silence for a few minutes.

"What are you gonna do if she picks Ken?"

I shrugged, "I don't want to think about it, I guess."

"You do know it's a possibility, right?" he asked.

I nodded, "I know. I told her I wasn't gonna accept that as a response."

"John, you can't force her into being with you," Garrett said.

I sighed heavily, "I know, but Gare, I'm in love with this fucking girl. I can't get her out of my head, or my heart. I don't wanna hurt Kenny, but I'm so fucking addicted to her."

"What!?"

I looked at the door and saw Kennedy standing there, a cross between furious and heartbroken.

"Oh shit," Garrett whispered.

"Y-you're in love with Noelle?" he asked, his eyes never leaving me.

I nodded silently.

"Is she in love with you?" he asked.

I nodded again.

"I don't believe you," he snapped, "You just want my girl."

I ran a hand through my hair, "Do you want proof?"

He stood still, like he didn't think of that. Then he nodded. He came over to me as I took my phone out.

"Do you want pictures or texts?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"All of it," he said.

I pulled up my pictures first. I had a few pictures of us kissing, one of her sleeping, and one after I had fucked her really hard and she was still in the glow of after an orgasm. I looked up at Kennedy when I showed him that. Noelle had a very distinct face after an orgasm. His jaw clenched.

"Was that necessary?" he asked.

I didn't answer as I went to my texts. Countless texts from her.

Because I miss you, and I miss him, and I'm torn. Plus, you aren't supposed to be texting me. And I shouldn't be answering.

What a coincidence! I miss your tongue!

You set my soul alight, baby.

I wanna bite your lip so hard when you do that.

Don't tease me John! :(

Hey, can I lick your tattoos? I wanna know what they taste like ;)

I lust for you, as well. Your taste is amongst one of my favorites in the world.

So, I was thinking. We should fuck. Right now. Call me if you think this is a good idea? ;)

Insert here? ;)

The last one was accompanied with a picture message of her naked with my name spelled across her stomach in eyeliner, her biting her lip. Someone had added an arrow under my name pointing down.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Kennedy said.

"I just got a voicemail from her," I whispered, "I think it's from when we played."

"Play it," Kennedy's voice shook.

I pulled it up and let her voice play.

Hey John, it's me. Um, I know you're onstage, but…baby..I can't s-stop thinking about you. I don't want to hurt Kennedy and I know you don't either, but I can't get over you. I'm addicted to you in the most wonderful way. I need you so badly. I know you said you'd fight for me, but you don't need to. As much as I love Kennedy, I can't live without you. These last few months have been hell not being with you. I love you so much, John. Please come to my apartment as soon as you can."

I looked at Garrett with tears in my eyes, a shocked look on my face. I then looked at Kennedy, who also had tears in his eyes.

"Kennedy, I'm so sorry," I whispered.

He ran his hand over his face, "John, what the fuck! I told you she was mine two fucking years ago!"

I sighed, "I know, Ken, but I couldn't stay away. Neither could she."

"I had the best girl in the world, only to find out she's been fucking you for how long? Six months?"

I nodded, "Around there, yeah."

"John! We're at your place!" Pat called.

I sighed and stood up, "Kennedy, I'm sorry. Call me when you've had time to think, okay?"

He just nodded, looking absolutely distraught and angry. I grabbed my bags as I walked through the bunk area. I heard Kennedy and Garrett talking.

"Why didn't you tell me, Gare?!"

"Because I found out maybe ten minutes before you did, Kenny," he said.

Kennedy sighed, "Should I call her?"

I said bye to the other guys and walked quickly into my house. I dropped my bags, grabbed my car keys, and started driving to Noelle's apartment.