Status: Active.
The ED Diaries
Three: Taylor
This is what Taylor wants you to know.
She has a brown Louis Vuitton wallet, and in one of the many pockets inside, she has eight dollars and forty-six cents. She has counted the cash twice, just to make sure she doesn't make any mistakes. Eight dollars and forty-six cents. This is important because when you have a limited cashflow, it forces you to strategize.
(Taylor, you should save it for gas)
It will have to be fast food tonight. It's cheap and disgusting and addictive and more importantly fattening. Will it be three or four large french fries from McDonald's? They go for approximately two dollars each, but there's the tax, so the forty-six cents might not cover that. Or she could just get three french fries and get a drink. No, no, the drink doesn't matter because it's always about food. The kind that you can consume until there's nothing of you left.
(only shame, Taylor, only shame)
Or it can be Burger King. They offer eight-piece chicken tenders. They even offer large onion rings and large fries - that's like a double because you can't get onion rings from McDonald's or Wendy's or Arby's. So, if you buy all the three options at Burger King, that'll come to under eight dollars. Yes, yes, Taylor's memorized the prices. It's always about numbers because they measure how much greasy salvation and guilt you can purchase.
(isn't it strange you can't ever buy mental health?)
No, it can't be Burger King because she had that last time. The cashier might remember her, so it's better to try her luck at McDonald's. So, which one? There are three within a few miles of her home. The one at 75th and Rand is the nicest because it's always brightly lit and it's near two bookstores, but it's the most expensive one, so Taylor will have to pay more. So that one's out tonight. The one at 67th and Graham is the closest... but it's near Safeway and that's where her mother and other relatives shop for family groceries.
("hi family, this is what happens when I go six days without eating")
It's going to have to be the one at 51st and Rand tonight. That one is the cheapest, so she'll get more bang for her buck. The parentals are working late. It's now or never, and Taylor knows she won't have another chance until, maybe, the weekend. And that's just unacceptable.
It has to be NOW.
(now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now)
Taylor would like you to know she's really tried. She literally sits on her hands until they hurt. She turns to God because, hey, prayer never hurts, right? She tears pictures from fashion magazines and put them on her bathroom mirror. She checks her weight scale every morning and night. She reads up on diet and nutrition. She has a gym membership that she uses. All she needs is to get thinner. But it's mind over matter right now. She has to eat something tonight, other than what's on her small menu. Her instincts fight her desire.
(it's been three weeks, Taylor, three weeks)
Three weeks since she has eaten anything with substance.
This is how it will go down. Taylor will get into her car, the one that the parentals bought as a reward for her great grades. She will drive to the McDonald's at 51st and Rand. She will use the drive-thru and order four large french fries because she's found enough change in the money jar in the kitchen. She will ask for ketchup packets because if you put ketchup on, it will make the fries taste better (and more fattening). She will find a parking lot somewhere - just across the McDonald's because there's a Wal-Mart there, so the lot is huge. She will sit and eat until there is no fry left. Then she will stop by a gas station and throw away the remains.
(but you can never throw yourself away, can you?)
She'll cry when she's alone. Or maybe she'll take a shower and wash her hands, so they'll be clean. But she thinks that she can still imagine the smell of fast food in her hair and clothes. It's a smell that never really washes out. It doesn't matter because she'll throw it up. Before the greasy salvation can settle into her fully, she'll purge. It'll be better because it will no longer be inside of her.
But she broke. She's giving into the pressure by eating fast food. She'll punish herself.
(Yeah, that's the way to go Taylor. You have to reap the consequences. You know what you have to do.)
No more eating. Those grapes she'd promised herself? Nope. She can't have them. She doesn't deserve them.
No more eating
And that's exactly what she did.
So when her mom found her unconscious on the bathroom floor three weeks later?
Hell. Just hell.
She can take care of this herself. She was dumb. Maybe a little food here and there wouldn't be so bad. But too much of it is bad. But just let her take care of it herself. She's not crazy.
Looking around at the pale white walls of her hospital room, Taylor realizes something. These people think she's sick. They don't understand what it takes to be beautiful. But that's okay. She will do whatever it takes; be the best patient and abide by all the rules. And when they decide she's better, she'll get out of here and make herself even prettier than she already is.
(really)
She has a brown Louis Vuitton wallet, and in one of the many pockets inside, she has eight dollars and forty-six cents. She has counted the cash twice, just to make sure she doesn't make any mistakes. Eight dollars and forty-six cents. This is important because when you have a limited cashflow, it forces you to strategize.
(Taylor, you should save it for gas)
It will have to be fast food tonight. It's cheap and disgusting and addictive and more importantly fattening. Will it be three or four large french fries from McDonald's? They go for approximately two dollars each, but there's the tax, so the forty-six cents might not cover that. Or she could just get three french fries and get a drink. No, no, the drink doesn't matter because it's always about food. The kind that you can consume until there's nothing of you left.
(only shame, Taylor, only shame)
Or it can be Burger King. They offer eight-piece chicken tenders. They even offer large onion rings and large fries - that's like a double because you can't get onion rings from McDonald's or Wendy's or Arby's. So, if you buy all the three options at Burger King, that'll come to under eight dollars. Yes, yes, Taylor's memorized the prices. It's always about numbers because they measure how much greasy salvation and guilt you can purchase.
(isn't it strange you can't ever buy mental health?)
No, it can't be Burger King because she had that last time. The cashier might remember her, so it's better to try her luck at McDonald's. So, which one? There are three within a few miles of her home. The one at 75th and Rand is the nicest because it's always brightly lit and it's near two bookstores, but it's the most expensive one, so Taylor will have to pay more. So that one's out tonight. The one at 67th and Graham is the closest... but it's near Safeway and that's where her mother and other relatives shop for family groceries.
("hi family, this is what happens when I go six days without eating")
It's going to have to be the one at 51st and Rand tonight. That one is the cheapest, so she'll get more bang for her buck. The parentals are working late. It's now or never, and Taylor knows she won't have another chance until, maybe, the weekend. And that's just unacceptable.
It has to be NOW.
(now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now)
Taylor would like you to know she's really tried. She literally sits on her hands until they hurt. She turns to God because, hey, prayer never hurts, right? She tears pictures from fashion magazines and put them on her bathroom mirror. She checks her weight scale every morning and night. She reads up on diet and nutrition. She has a gym membership that she uses. All she needs is to get thinner. But it's mind over matter right now. She has to eat something tonight, other than what's on her small menu. Her instincts fight her desire.
(it's been three weeks, Taylor, three weeks)
Three weeks since she has eaten anything with substance.
This is how it will go down. Taylor will get into her car, the one that the parentals bought as a reward for her great grades. She will drive to the McDonald's at 51st and Rand. She will use the drive-thru and order four large french fries because she's found enough change in the money jar in the kitchen. She will ask for ketchup packets because if you put ketchup on, it will make the fries taste better (and more fattening). She will find a parking lot somewhere - just across the McDonald's because there's a Wal-Mart there, so the lot is huge. She will sit and eat until there is no fry left. Then she will stop by a gas station and throw away the remains.
(but you can never throw yourself away, can you?)
She'll cry when she's alone. Or maybe she'll take a shower and wash her hands, so they'll be clean. But she thinks that she can still imagine the smell of fast food in her hair and clothes. It's a smell that never really washes out. It doesn't matter because she'll throw it up. Before the greasy salvation can settle into her fully, she'll purge. It'll be better because it will no longer be inside of her.
But she broke. She's giving into the pressure by eating fast food. She'll punish herself.
(Yeah, that's the way to go Taylor. You have to reap the consequences. You know what you have to do.)
No more eating. Those grapes she'd promised herself? Nope. She can't have them. She doesn't deserve them.
No more eating
And that's exactly what she did.
So when her mom found her unconscious on the bathroom floor three weeks later?
Hell. Just hell.
She can take care of this herself. She was dumb. Maybe a little food here and there wouldn't be so bad. But too much of it is bad. But just let her take care of it herself. She's not crazy.
Looking around at the pale white walls of her hospital room, Taylor realizes something. These people think she's sick. They don't understand what it takes to be beautiful. But that's okay. She will do whatever it takes; be the best patient and abide by all the rules. And when they decide she's better, she'll get out of here and make herself even prettier than she already is.
(really)
♠ ♠ ♠
And there you go. :)