The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Landon hated being alone. He hated it more than possibly anything else, even decisions, which were the worst most days. Even more he hated going places alone, which was what he was up to now, coasting down the freeway. He was going back, back to where it all began, in hopes that maybe he could finally figure himself out, even though he was pretty unsure he could even accomplish that. He wanted to be courageous, to say that was the actual reason he was coming back to Tempe, which he honestly would never make a conscious decision to do so, and that was where Pat Kirch came in.

Pat was Landon’s cousin, and they’d always been close from the very beginning, and lately Pat had almost become Landon’s adversary, making most of his daily decisions for him, and Landon could only take comfort in the fact that as soon as he was with Pat he could forgive himself for the long journey from where his family had moved three years ago, Anaheim, to Tempe where he had grown up all those years ago. Pat was the real reason Landon was going back to his hometown, it was summer finally, and he couldn’t stand any longer on his own in California. He hadn’t seen Pat since his band had been recording in Cali a ways back, and he’d only been able to stop by for an hour before they left.

It was a bit pathetic to Landon, to realize he was older than Pat, and still so under his control. Pat was just getting out of school, and Landon had been done for ages now, Pat was above him in other categories though, he was independent, he had a girlfriend, he knew who he was, fuck, he could even decide what to eat for breakfast in the morning, a simplicity Landon hadn’t experienced in years, possibly ever. He was trying to tell himself it wouldn’t be that bad, but he had no clue what to expect after not being home for so long, especially since last time he was here, he didn’t have any of these issues. Last time he was home he’d been alright with himself, he’d been out, having the time of his life, actually making small decisions, actually in school, it’d been good for him, until his step-father found a job opening, and there was no way to stay in Arizona.

In California, everything had come down on him harder than ever before, and he was too weak to handle it all, dropping out of school and fighting solitude and crowds at the same time. He was so afraid of everything, and he didn’t know why, for the fact that just a year before the move he’d been so alive, so carefree, and now he couldn’t even give a simple “yes” or “no” when someone asked him a question.

Pat’s parents had reasoned with Landon’s, convincing them this is exactly what he needed, and maybe Landon believed them too, he wasn’t sure, well he wasn’t really sure of anything. His phone rang out, taking him out of his thoughts, and he quickly turned down the Tom Petty CD he’d been playing on repeat since he left home, the only comforting thing he had to him, and ran his fingers over the keys of his phone, answering it.

“Where’re you at?” Pat questioned the second Landon answered, and he scanned signs and exits as quickly as he could, rambling them off to Pat in hopes he could help him, because in all honesty he wasn’t even sure how he’d made it into Arizona on his own. “Okay, first off, breathe, alright? You’re almost here. The next exit, the one on your right you just mentioned? Take that one, and when you come off of it, go right again, there should be a building and a gas station, I’m outside, Tim dropped me off as close to the exit as possible, and then I’ll ride with you back to my place, okay?”

“Alright.” Landon sunk his teeth into his bottom lip in concentration, turning on the right turn signal, before steering towards the exit, twisting around and straightening the wheel, and immediately turning on the right signal again, before getting caught at a red light, just before the street Pat was on. Landon sighed, readjusting his grip on the steering wheel. “I’m almost there; I’ll see you in like a minute.” Pat hung up without saying anything further, not wanting to distract Landon anymore, and Landon let his phone fall back into his lap, finally making the right turn and pulling up to the gas station, turning into it, and stopping right before the curb that Pat was pacing.

As soon as the car rolled to a stop, Pat yanked at the passenger door, as Landon struggled to unlock it just as quickly. Pat slid into the passenger seat, leaning over the middle console and hugging Landon, messing up his hair that for once was as long as his, if not longer. “You made it in one piece!” Pat shrieked, a wide smile on his face.

“Yeah, I know, surprise, right?” Landon responded, quietly laughing before returning his always anxious attention to the cars around them so he could get them back to Pat’s house.

------

Landon’s hands shook once he let go of the steering wheel, stepping into the usual ninety degree weather, he was wearing a hoodie, which he knew was pointless unless he planned on suffocating himself, but he didn’t take it off either, glancing around a bit unsure. Pat shot out of the car after Landon, opening up the doors to the back and dragging out one of Landon’s bags, and Landon mimicked him, grabbing the other two and trying his hardest to carry them and walk at the same time behind Pat to the front door.

“You can just set those anywhere, honey.” Landon’s aunt, Pat’s mother, smiled at him the second he was in the door, and he swallowed against his dry throat, glancing over at Pat.

“Anywhere?” Landon mumbled.

“It’s alright, you can just put your shit in my room, you’ll probably sleep on the couch, so fair enough, I guess.” Pat rambled on, dragging Landon’s bag while his cousin followed him close behind, not saying a word. Pat tossed the bag haphazardly on his floor, collapsing on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Landon gingerly set down his bags next to the one Pat threw, carefully sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling his knees up to his chest the way he always did, exuding body language for people to leave him alone. He felt the bed, and Pat shoved him in his side with his foot, trying to steal away his attention.

“What?” Landon looked up at Pat momentarily, before resuming his glance at absolutely nothing.

“Got any plans set up? I have practice later on, but I didn’t know what you wanted to do.”

Landon shrugged, before resting his chin on top of his knee, staring at the floorboards below him.

“Well…there’s the beach, there’s any of the guys’ houses…uhm…we could go walk or there’s the old elementary school, or there’s the movie theater…” Pat continued on, rambling on and on about all the things they could do, when Landon had just gotten there today, and obviously couldn’t handle all the options being given to him, as Landon’s head started to throb as he tried to figure out an answer. “So, which one?” Pat snapped Landon out of focus, and he gave Pat a small, painful look.

“I-I don’t know.” He stammered, reaching back to scratch the back of his neck. “I really don’t know Pat…What do you think we should do?” Landon bit his lip, waiting on an answer from his cousin, it was ridiculous how every question came down to seeming like life or death.

“I think you should come to practice.” Pat smirked. “And we can chill after for a while, since its summer finally.”

Landon couldn’t help but be taken a back a little, he wasn’t the most keen on seeing all of the boys already, it’d been years, and he wasn’t the same as before, and he had a feeling Pat had let them all know that, and was the reason he hadn’t seen them until now.

Landon’s aunt yelled for them to come eat, and he almost jumped straight off Pat’s bed at the sudden noise, before calming himself and standing up, following his younger cousin to the dining room, while Pat laughed the whole way.

------

Landon’s insides cringed at the spaghetti he was practically forcing down his own throat. He always had severe stomach pain, no matter what he did, and he knew this wasn’t going to help one bit. Glancing around, Tim and Pat were happily eating, like it was no big deal, while Landon fought the dull ache, twirling more noodles around his fork. Pat slurped them like he was five, and kept getting Landon covered in tomato sauce, making it necessary that he knew he’d have to shower before he could go anywhere, unless now it was attractive to reek like onions and garlic. Landon knew he’d have to clean his plate, it was common courtesy in the family to do so, and he felt a small aggravation towards his aunt for giving him so much. Who really even ate heavy pasta for just lunch, he wondered, but let it go, just trying to focus on swallowing and not gagging in front of any of them. He had finally finished what was on the plate, pushing back his chair and getting up to go towards the sink.

“Oh honey, don’t worry, I’ll get you more.” His aunt smiled, getting up from the table and scurrying over, taking his plate from him, when he’d planned on the exact opposite. Landon took the plate back, his expression blank, and sat back down, picking at it and taking bites every so often so as not to insult anyone. He wanted to be liked, that was what kept him doing what he was doing, he just wanted someone to accept him, to not see him as a threat or a burden, and so he continued to sit there and eat like the good boy image he fought to keep up.

Landon was more than relieved when his aunt took his plate away before he was finished, noting how he kept playing with the noodles, the boy felt like he was going to explode, like the impregnated humans in the alien movies, and there was a familiar burning sensation in the back of Landon’s throat, warning him he wasn’t going to be able to keep it all down, even though that was all he wanted more than anything.

Landon made his way back to Pat’s room quietly, Pat was off somewhere, probably getting ready for practice, and he collapsed on his cousin’s bed, closing his eyes and trying to fight the intense pain shooting through his abdomen and the burning that wouldn’t go away. He wasn’t sure how practice was going to go, he hadn’t even heard the band before. All he knew was that Pat played the drums, and John sang, the rest of the band members weren’t as important to him. Sure, they were all friends, but Pat and John were the closest to Landon. On top of the churning already in his stomach, anxiety increased the frequency, only making him more and more nauseas.

Just as Landon was starting to drift off into sleep, Pat came charging through the door, jumping on the bed in an attempt to wake him up. “Come on! The guys are coming over!” Pat gripped his cousin’s wrist, dragging him out of bed, and Landon groaned, trying to keep up with everything.

“Okay, okay, give me a minute.” Pat released Landon’s wrist, and Landon ran his fingers repeatedly through his hair, a routine that had soothed him since he was little, and began straightening himself out, even though his hands were starting to shake, and it just frustrated him further.

“Are you going to be alright?” Pat shot Landon cautious looks, and Landon forced a small smile through clenched teeth.

“Yeah, fine.” He fixed his hair once more, before starting out the younger boy’s room.

------

The living room was crowded with familiar faces, but Landon was sure one was missing, and that was making his nerves go into overdrive. John walked straight up to him, pulling him into a loose hug and messing up Landon’s hair, just like everyone always did, and Landon quickly smoothed it down again.

“Hey man, it’s been ages!” John’s mullet was working overtime since the last time Landon had saw him with practically nothing for hair, and the older boy wore a polite smile on his face. John was always just another family member to Landon, like the extra older brother he didn’t have, the way he was always looking out for him, sometimes even more uppity about it than Pat was.

“Yeah…it has.” Landon shot John a small smile, before glancing around awkwardly, crossing and uncrossing his arms and tugging at his pants, shifting his weight from foot to foot, unsure of what to do with himself, and why one boy was missing was really starting to frazzle him.

Landon’s nerves took yet another turn for the worse when the door whipped open, and the missing boy walked straight in.

“The fuck were you at?” Garrett shot Kennedy a look. Landon’s heart was already starting to beat out of his chest the second he saw the older boy. He’d always held something for him, but never to this extent. Kennedy had changed so much, more noticeably than the other boys, in Landon’s opinion. His hand flew up to his mouth, before he realized he didn’t have braces anymore, he hadn’t for two years.

“I just woke up, man.” Kennedy smiled, he didn’t have them anymore either, instead a stunning wide smile took over his face, and Landon forced himself to concentrate on anything other than the boy a few feet away from him. “Oh hey, the head case arrived.” Kennedy laughed. Landon felt a small burn in the pit of his stomach, but at the moment he couldn’t be bothered with petty jokes, and quickly wiped his hands on the back of his pants, that were embarrassingly sweating the way they used to in high school, he couldn’t remember the last time he felt anything this strongly, everything was usually just numb. “I’m just kidding.”

“I-I know you are.” Landon stuttered out, shocked that he could actually even speak, and the guys started to migrate towards the practice room. Landon held out his hand, shakily, after wiping it again, and Kennedy gripped Landon’s wrist, pulling him flush up against him in a hug. Landon felt his face burn mercilessly, and his hair was smothering his face as he felt the shockwave of energy shoot through him, his stomach feeling it was going to pour all his guts out, and not from food this time.

“Isn’t it a little hot for a hoodie?” Kennedy released him, shaking his head and laughing, before he took off towards the other room, leaving Landon to stumble his way there alone, trying to force himself to stop shaking.