The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Bowling, not exactly something Landon had done before, but he didn’t have the opportunity, or will power to say no when he realized Kennedy was included with the group of them that were going. It was late, dark out, cosmic bowling, the others had informed him, apparently something normal teenagers did, but Landon was never quite included in that group.

He’d ended up squished in the back seat, since not only were the guys in the van, but their girlfriends as well. He was stuck in between Maddie and Jared, Ashley on Jared’s other side. It was amazing they’d even all managed to fit in the vehicle, some had to sit in laps of course, not that that was any kind of an issue, and Landon was practically in Maddie’s lap at the moment as it was anytime the guys would take a sharp turn.

“S-Sorry.” He stuttered, trying to create space between the two of them, but she just laughed. The energy being thrown around was enough to take anyone out of their worst mood, and if it wasn’t for the fact that the group being larger just made Landon feel more awkward and out of place he would have been jumping out of his seat with the same emotions that the rest of them seemed to have. He attempted to just stare out the window, ignoring the loud chatter and excited yells around him, but Maddie wouldn’t sit still, leaning over the seat and smacking Kennedy on the back of the head and yelling at Garrett and creating a ruckus all while he was just trying to look outside.

“Hey.” He heard a familiar voice say, and nudged Maddie so she sat down finally. “Landon.” He exhaled through his nose loudly, turning to face who it was, a small smile spreading on his face when he realized it was Kennedy, turned around to face him in the seat ahead of him.

“Hey.” Landon mumbled, messing his hair up shyly and blushing at the crooked all knowing smile Kennedy was giving him.

“Having fun?” As soon as Kennedy said it, the van hit a speed bump at full speed, compliments of John rocking out, and Landon scrambled in his seat hearing the older boy chuckle at his reaction. “Landon.” Kennedy continued.

“What?”

“Having fun?” Kennedy rested his chin on the back of the seat, looking down at Landon, who poked Kennedy on the nose, before dropping his hands into his lap.

“We haven’t really done anything yet.” Kennedy started wiggling his eyebrows and making faces, getting Landon to let out a few quiet giggles, and they finally turned into the bowling alley’s parking lot.

John and Claire were sitting in the front seats and piled out their own doors, the passengers in the middle: Pat, Lauren, Kennedy, and Garrett piled out as soon as the vehicle was in park, and Jared and Ashley somehow managed to slip out before them, leaving Landon to sit on the very edge of the seat he was on, gripping the back of the seats in front of him and waiting for the opportunity to squeeze past. It didn’t come, and instead he was second to last, Maddie shoving and beating at his back to get him out as fast as possible so she herself could get out.

The warm Arizona air was the first thing to greet him, not uncomfortably hot like it was during the day. Landon fell into step closely behind Pat and Lauren, not wanting to cling, but not wanting to be alone either. Everyone was coupled off, that was of course except for him and Kennedy, but he didn’t have to ask to know any kind of advancements he could have made were off limits. Kennedy was walking alongside John’s other side, the one Claire wasn’t on, and he didn’t even bother to acknowledge Landon, even though he’d been trying to steal the boy’s attention for quite some time now.

The place wasn’t overly crowded, a few small groups of people and couples had occupied some of the tables, and the lights were all off, minus the crazy ones going off over by the bowling area. By now Landon had practically glued himself to Pat’s side, alternating between messing with his hair, his sleeves, or his nails, making sure to attempt to casually check his phone every few seconds, even though he knew he was coming off crazy.
Smelly withered shoes were passed around, and before Landon could specify what size he needed, Pat shoved a pair at him, and he thankfully took them, considering he definitely couldn’t bring himself to speak up at the moment.

The group picked the very last table all the way down and out of supervision’s way, next to a table of overly loud teenage girls, all whom had whipped around when Landon walked past. He’d shrugged it off, he probably knew them, or they knew him, considering the way a few had stared at him, and he was never the kind to associate himself with girls, to associate himself with anyone, really.

Landon took a seat, immediately having to get up when he realized he was in between Maddie and Garrett and she had given him an unwelcome look. He retreated to a seat in between Kennedy and Ashley, Jared’s girl, focusing on putting on his shoes and not much else. Ashley gave him a small smile, which he attempted to mimic back, feeling Kennedy’s hand ghost gently against his side before disappearing, leaving him slightly in shock but dissatisfied with the minimalistic touch at the same time.

“So you’re coming to the show, Lan? Or so I heard…” John stated, sitting directly across from him, and Landon’s head snapped up in recognition when he heard his name.

“Uhm.” He mumbled, glancing over at the boy next to him.

“Well…you said…” Kennedy scratched the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I guess I’m coming.” Landon took a deep breath, tying his shoes. He in all honesty was terrified of going, and had been putting off talking about it the best he could, bringing up something else whenever Kennedy tried to touch upon the subject when they were together. Just the thought of the show made his heart race and breath get caught somewhere between his lungs and where it needed to be. The idea of being crammed in a small, dark room with a ton of strangers was less than appealing to him, especially considering the amount of them that would be touching him and shoving.

“Sweet.” A wide smile broke out on John’s face. “You won’t regret it.” He held out his fist for Landon to hit with his own and Landon did, before settling back in his chair, letting his attention drift.

Of course, the group had knowingly put Landon in the first three to bowl, even though he’d never even done it before. He threw them all a glare before getting up and grabbing the bowling ball that had been assigned to him, even though he could barely lift it, and scuffled down towards the radiant colored lights. The music that had been playing got louder the closer he got to the pins, and he barely swung his arm, letting it drop. He stood almost frozen staring the ball down as it moved…until it ended up in the gutter. Letting out a groan, unheard against the techno pop trash blaring in the background, he stumbled his way back to the table where a few of the guys were laughing.

He flipped them the middle finger, about to maneuver to his seat when a pair of unknown arms flung themselves around his middle, stopping him in his tracks. “What’s wrong, Loren, don’t remember me?” She cooed, and Landon suddenly felt nauseous, bile rising in his throat, the name sounding disgustingly familiar as It echoed through his mind. He cleared his throat, trying to squirm his way out of the tight embrace.

“My name’s Landon…” Was all he could get out, just that enough was a struggle.

“Oh my gosh I am so sorry!” The girl removed himself from him. “You look just like him, I swear. The asshole never told me where he went and I just assumed when I saw you it was him and he came back and you know…” Landon didn’t know, but he nodded regardless, not wanting to upset the small girl further. She shook her head. “I’m Alicia.”

“Nice to meet you.” He murmured, glancing over at the group, who all were staring at the two with wide eyes, averting their looks when Landon tried to catch any of their attention.

“Seriously, you’re not like related to him or anything are you? I mean…” She let out an awkward laugh. “You just really.” She ran a hand through her hair, looking him up and down. “Wow.” Landon had never thought he resembled anyone. Not his mom, not his dad, who was nowhere to be found, not even Pat, once you got past a certain degree and cousin alikeness. The only time he’d ever thought he’d looked like someone was when he’d found the pictures that one night in Pat’s basement. Landon was fully aware Alicia had yet to stop talking, but it was like everything was mute he was so caught up in his own mind. The boy in the pictures had looked unnaturally similar to the way he did. Now of course the problem would be finding them, since his aunt had transplanted them somewhere after Tim had tattled over Landon’s little discovery. How coincidental could it be that the very same boy he wasn’t allowed to know about looked exactly like him, and a girl had just told him he looked exactly like some boy, a boy no one was speaking up about, and was avoiding looking at him the same way that they had when he’d shoved the photos in their faces.

“So are you new here or?” Landon snapped back to reality, glancing down at the girl in front of him. He couldn’t bring himself to answer her, and apparently she lost interest, slinking on over to the others in the group, more than obviously knowing them. This time around familiar arms wrapped around Landon, and he was gently tugged downward, ending up in Kennedy’s lap, the older boy’s arms wound protectively tight around his middle. He put a hand over Kennedy’s that were entwined against his lower stomach, and one against his mouth, chewing the sleeve of his shirt and watching the people surrounding him, feeling like he was some kind of an outsider.

Alicia was rapidly chatting up John and Claire was staring on with a blank expression on her face Landon could easily recognize. He wondered if she knew that it didn’t mean anything, that this was typical for John. Alicia was pretty on a different level, the kind of girl you could find anywhere, but Claire was unconventionally pretty, and that was the exact kind of girl John needed. For a moment Landon wondered if John ever told her that, ever made it as clear to Claire as he had openly made to Landon about how he felt for her, but then again, Landon had never told Kennedy how much he meant to him either.

In a daze Landon watched one by one as everyone got up, some scoring and cheering and dancing and others coming back to the table with a long trail of curse words, all ending up sitting back down and letting the next person go. Kennedy stirred underneath him, and chuckled when Landon didn’t move one bit.

“It’s my turn.” Kennedy announced, the first words Landon had actually somewhat comprehended in what had to be the past hour.

“Oh.” Landon murmured quietly, making a move to get up when Kennedy planted a small, quick kiss to the side of his face, and Landon glanced around, watching as it went unnoticed. No one would still look directly at him, and it seemed as though they could care less he was sitting on top of Kennedy, which he knew all too well meant something was going on. Kennedy gingerly pushed Landon off his lap while Landon was in mid thought, and he quickly curled back up on Kennedy’s seat as soon as the older boy was out of the way. Everyone was always keeping things from him like he was a little kid all over again and the truth was simply too much to bear.

Kennedy returned, proud at getting a spare, and Landon forced a smile at him, until John decided instead of going up to his turn he was just going to smother Landon, sitting on top of him, and Kennedy joined in on it.

“You’re crushing me.” Landon squirmed and pushed at both of them but neither would move, and Pat joined in. Landon exhaled exaggeratedly through his nose, but couldn’t help the way his lips pulled up into a grin awkwardly.

“What was that? Did you hear something?” John joked, shoving more of his weight on Landon entirely.

“I said, you’re going to crush me!”

“Nope, I didn’t hear anything.” Pat laughed.

“This is actually pretty cozy.” Kennedy commented, glancing down at Landon with a crooked smile.

“Sorry, I just need some more space. I just need some space, yeah, sorry.” Pat stretched out more, blocking Landon’s ability to see anything but the back of his shirt.

“Fuck you all.” Landon giggled.

“Sorry, did you hear that?” John asked again.

“It could have been a mouse or something.” Kennedy answered this time.

“So…I guess Alicia’s coming to the concert now. I didn’t have to really talk her into it, she jumped at the idea.” John chuckled. “Don’t say I never do anything for you Lan.” Landon furrowed his eyebrows, and Kennedy visibly tensed.

“You sure that’s such a great idea?” Pat was the first one to speak, and Landon was starting to get more and more uncomfortable underneath the weight of them, overheating at the same time. “I mean…you know…”

“What? It’s not like I’m having her come for me. Like she’s really going to deny him.” John scoffed. “Besides, Landon could use a lady friend, couldn’t you, Landon?”

“U-Uhm.” Landon shifted around but no one took the hint to move.

“Exactly.” John continued without an answer. “I’m sure you don’t want him just clinging to you the whole time.” John made a gesture at Kennedy, who glanced back at Landon, an unreadable expression on his face. Originally, Landon figured he could come up with some excuse or sickness out of nowhere to get himself out of having to go. Disappointing Kennedy was one thing, he could make up for that, but now he would be skipping out on an almost date, and probably disappointing and confusing the entire group, if not just the guys, that he would miss out on an opportunity like that.

Landon started coughing, the weight starting to really make his chest hurt, and Kennedy immediately sprung into the air off him, yanking Pat off in the process.

“Sorry.” Kennedy mumbled, eyes dropping to stare at the ground and Landon placed his hands on John’s back, shoving him as hard as he could and John fell to the floor on his butt.
“It’s my turn.” Landon faked enthusiasm, stumbling over his own feet like always in order to get to where the bowling balls were, trying to lift it the best he could, even though he knew it had to look terribly awkward. A small chuckle erupted from behind him, and he turned around, clutching onto the bowling ball still the best he could, to Kennedy, a small smirk on his face.

“Need help?” Landon bit his lip, nodding slowly, and Kennedy took a few steps closer, close enough that when Landon turned to face the pins again he could feel the older boy’s breath against the back of his neck; sending small shivers up and down his spine. Landon stood unsteadily, still trying to balance the heavy object in his hands.

“Are you actually going to help or just stand there and make me even more nervous?” He let out a strangled laugh, switching the ball to his other hand long enough to wipe his left hand on the back of his pants and reform his grip. Kennedy laughed, reaching his arms around, and slid his fingers over Landon’s, that were in a sweaty death grip, and showed him how to swing his arm back, dodging out of the way to prevent from hurting himself in the middle of the lesson.

When Landon finally focused on the pins and not on the way his body was reacting to Kennedy, they managed to get him to knock down all but one. Thinking Landon had succeeded, Kennedy left him to go sit back down, and Landon was too nervous trying to hit the last one, preventing him from getting a spare. He swore and returned to the group again, this time collapsing down on Maddie’s lap, preventing her from sucking Garrett’s face off the way she had anytime Kennedy was distracted.

“C’mon Landon.” Someone kept shaking him, and Landon sat up startled, realizing he was still in Maddie’s lap, who had been passed out as well, rubbing her eyes now. Kennedy wore a gentle smile on his face, and Landon looked up at him, sticking his bottom lip out in a pout.

“I don’t want to.” He mumbled drowsily, slurring his words all together, sounding very much like a five year old.

“We have to leave, it’s over with, and Jared won.” Kennedy grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. “I came in second though.” Maddie started shoving at Landon’s back.

“Stop it!” Landon whined, dragging out the ‘o’ in stop.

Kennedy sighed. “I’ll carry you, come on.” He bent his knees slightly, and Landon stumbled with still asleep legs off of Maddie who was already attaching herself to Garrett’s side, more awake now. He scrambled the best he could onto Kennedy’s back, who had to continuously hoist him up at first to prevent Landon from falling off since he wasn’t holding on. Landon finally took the hint, hooking his arms loosely around Kennedy’s neck, and the two of them started outside into the darkness, the light from inside the van and the streetlights being the only things to block out some of the pitch black.

Landon rubbed his eyes with one hand, gripping onto Kennedy’s shirt when he did so, and tried to force himself awake even though his eyes kept trying to shut on him.

Inside the van, he wasn’t so resilient, and with both arms tightly wound around Kennedy’s middle and Death Cab for Cutie resounding quietly enough in the background he found himself slipping back into sleep.