The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Landon’s nerves were going absolutely mad, and he hadn't’t been able to stand sitting around the Kirch’s house, not that he’d been spending that much time there anyways. He shut the door to his ancient Buick, a roadmaster almost as old as he was, and stumbled up Kennedy’s driveway, tugging anxiously at his sweater sleeves, suffocating in the Arizona heat.

Barely letting his fist collide with the wood of the front door once only resulted in a mediocre knock, and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, half in fear and half in concentration. Landon knocked harder a second time, taking a few steps back and placing himself carefully out of anyone’s way. He heard someone yell ‘one minute’ and rocked on his heels, staring down at his shoes.

The door clicked open, and Maddie stood in the open doorway, a playful smirk on her face. “We’ve been expecting you.” She was trying and failing to hold back her own laughter, and Landon found himself grinning.

“Hey Mads.” She held the door open more, and Landon stepped in.

“He’s in his room.” She added, going back over to the couch and Landon noticed an all too familiar figure.

“Hey Garrett.” Landon managed to mumble out, slipping off his shoes. “Excited for the show tonight?”

“You know it.” Garrett made the ‘rock on’ gesture with his left hand, his right arm wrapped around Maddie as they stared at whatever was on the television. Landon heard a bloodcurdling fake scream come from it, and was able to figure out himself it was some cheesy gore film Garrett had picked out, since that was all that Garrett really ever seemed to be watching.

Landon silently excused himself, slipping past the television and down the hallway wordlessly, not having to explain himself, Garrett was under the same idea the rest of the boys were, that Kennedy was simply just closer to Landon than they were, and since no one else wanted to play babysitter, no one had the guts to question any bit of it. Kennedy was playing his guitar, Landon could already hear that much just a few steps down the hallway, and Landon drummed his fingers against the older boy’s door, not exactly wanting to disturb him, but not wanting to just stay out there either.

Gathering up all the courage Landon had left, he pushed the door open a little, hearing the music immediately stop as he stuck his head in, and Kennedy’s head snapped up from where he was sitting at the edge of his bed, a wide grin forming on his face when he realized it was Landon.

“Hey.” Landon returned the smile, leaning against the door frame.

“Hey, sorry, I was just practicing.” Kennedy went to set down his guitar, but Landon shook his head hurriedly.

“You can continue, its fine.” He slid in the older boy’s room, shutting the door gently behind him and padded his way over to Kennedy’s bed while Kennedy went back to being hunched over with his guitar.

Landon nitpicked at his sleeves again, slipping his beanie off and wringing his fingers through his hair, trying to do anything to keep himself busy and keep his mind off the show, even though hearing the familiar songs being played before him at the moment wasn’t doing any good with the situation.

“You don’t have to come tonight if you don’t want to.” Kennedy mumbled, voice heavy with disappointment, and got up, setting his instrument down finally.

“I want to.” Landon forced a small smile at the elder boy, who he was sure wasn’t buying it one bit.

“You do?” Kennedy turned to give him a look.

“Well I mean…” Landon bit his lip, barely getting the rest out in a series of mumbles and stutters. “All the guys’ girls are going right? I mean like, that’s kind of part of their job or whatever…” He glanced up at Kennedy, who had an eyebrow cocked.

“What does that have to do with-.” Landon cut him off, not done talking, realizing if he didn’t say it now he wasn’t going to be able to.

“Well…” Landon licked his lips momentarily, dropping his gaze to his hands in his lap. “I am your boy, right?” He was terrified to look up at the older boy, unsure of an answer, or even what his body language would be giving off. Landon’s hands were shaking badly, and he entwined them together, the silence on Kennedy’s end slowly breaking him with each second. The bed sunk from added weight, but Landon refused to look up, until his vision got blocked by the fabric of Kennedy’s shirt, as the older boy pushed him until his back hit the mattress, crawling on top of him.

“Of course you’re my boy.” Kennedy breathed out; burying his face in Landon’s neck, and Landon could feel the guitarist’s hands slipping in between the mattress and his back. Relief washed over him, and his face burned with embarrassment momentarily, the fact that he had been upsetting himself and agonizing over asking that question. Landon squirmed, pulling his glasses off quickly as they smashed against the boy’s shoulder, he’d been wearing them more and more often since Kennedy pointed out how cute they looked on him, and that was something he definitely didn’t mind getting told.

Kennedy pressed a gentle kiss against Landon’s neck, before pulling back, sitting up. Landon curled and wrung his fingers against Kennedy’s shirt, trying to pull him back down, but the elder boy just unhooked them, instead entwining their fingers together. “Stop distracting me, I have to focus.” Kennedy mock-scolded, pecking the boy’s lips.

“You have time.” Landon whined, blowing his hair out of his face when it fell. “’Sides, you guys practice every day.” He grumbled. Kennedy just shook his head.

“The after party, alright?” Kennedy raised his eyebrows questioningly, and Landon sighed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Not like I have a choice.” Kennedy gave him a simple half-smile, climbing off of him and returning back to his guitar again, this time at least facing Landon. Landon sat up, pushing his hair back and pulling his beanie and his glasses back on, trying to recompose himself and ward off the anxiety. Pulling on a loose string on his jeans, Landon spoke up again,

“Who was that guy Alicia was going on about?”

“Hm?” Kennedy murmured, not looking up to Landon just yet.

“It started with and ‘L’.” He thought for a moment, before snapping his fingers. “Loren.”

“What about Loren?” Kennedy said it so simply, like it was no big deal, giving Landon an uncaring look. It was the exact opposite for him. That name held some kind of connotation to him. It was just too much to simply be a coincidence, and the reoccurring burning feeling in his gut reminded him of that.

“Did you know him?” Kennedy stopped playing, clearing his throat at the same time.

“We went to school together.” The older boy shrugged. “He used to hang around Pat, but we weren’t really close, I guess you could say.” Kennedy was biting his lip, and for a moment something shone in his eyes, that there was something more to the story, but Landon wasn't going to press anymore than he already was.

“Oh.” Landon tapped his fingers against his leg in a random rhythm trying to ignore the awkward tenseness the room held now. Three knocks rang out against Kennedy’s door’s frame, and Landon lifted his head to Garrett, who was standing there, directing his attention at Kennedy.

“We gotta go, man, the Suburban is here.”

“Kay.” Kennedy gave Garrett a thumbs up, getting up with his guitar in hand and the bassist took off down the hallway again. “Carry something for me?” Landon let out a small groan, but got off the bed nonetheless, standing impatiently while Kennedy got all his stuff together and put his guitar in its case, pushing it towards Landon. “That’s not going to be too heavy is it?” Landon silently picked it up, feeling nauseas, and demonstrated that it wasn’t. Kennedy gave him a small smile, cupping his face and pecking him on the lips again. “Cheer up, you’ll be fine.” The guitarist ruffled his hair, and Landon forced a smile. Trying not to drop the guitar, or show how sick he was feeling, he left without any further questioning, darting through the house and out front, handing John the guitar before he climbed in the vehicle.

They got to the venue just before the first act went on, much to Pat’s disbelief, since he’d been shrieking that they were going to be late and Tim was going to wring his neck for it. Looking around at the groups of people that had already gathered, Landon felt himself shaking with anxiety and anticipation, and turned to ask the guys if they needed anything else when a familiar shrieking voice called out, this time his name finally.

“Landon!” Alicia appeared, toting a few friends behind her, and Landon fought the urge to smack his palm against his forehead, burying his shaking hands in his cardigan pockets.

“Hey.” He spoke, trying to sound casual but still ending up sounding like he was caught off guard. Landon rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and she shot him an expectant look, glancing over at her friends. Holding back a sigh, he threw an arm over her shoulders and tugged her forward, and Alicia locked her arms tightly around his middle. She held on moments longer than he expected, and for a moment he wasn’t sure she was going to let go. One of the girls with her cleared her throat, and Alicia whipped around.

“Oh! Sorry! This is Elizabeth.” She gestured at a short, portly sized brunette. “And Libby.” A lanky blonde who was the exact opposite of the girl next to her, who was more than obviously checking out Landon, smirking when he looked her way. He halfway waved his hand at the two girls.

“So, you guys excited for the show?” Kennedy’s voice made Landon nearly jump straight up, as the guitarist threw an arm over both Landon and Alicia’s shoulders as Alicia let out a small squeal. The girls nodded along, Elizabeth’s cheeks turning redder as she tried to mumble out for them to have a good show. Kennedy shifted next to Landon, leaning his weight in the boy’s direction, and Landon struggled to even keep himself in check with so many people observing him at once.

“We’re going to be going on.” Landon heard John in the back somewhere. “Kennedy!”

“Yeah, I’ll be right there!” Kennedy yelled back, dropping his arm from Alicia’s shoulders, and leaned closer to the side of Landon’s face, trying to make it seem like he just couldn’t be heard over the noises from the bands setting up and the hip hop track that was playing in the background. Kennedy’s warm breath beat against Landon’s ear, and he shivered, trying to not too obviously move closer to the older boy. “Come with me for a second, alright?” Kennedy’s hand wrapped around his wrist, and it wasn’t like he could just say no.

“I’ll be right back!” Landon yelled, leaning and nudging Alicia, who gave him a wide grin and playfully pretended to “accidentally” hit his ass as Kennedy pulled him away. The boy led him to the back of the stage, taking careful glances around to make sure no one was paying attention to them, as if anyone could even see the two of them in the dark area to begin with. Kennedy released his wrist, but gently pushed against Landon’s chest, pushing him back against one of the various amps that had been unloaded. Landon threw Kennedy an unsure look.

“Relax, no one can see you, if they did they’d probably just think you were some girl anyways.” Kennedy rested his hands against the amp on either side of Landon’s head, who exhaled in an annoyed way, glaring up at the older boy. “You know it’s true.” Kennedy smirked.

“Shut up.” Landon growled, only earning Kennedy leaning down until their foreheads touched. “What do you need, anyways?”

“Well I didn’t think it was exactly fair Alicia gets all the fun.” Kennedy nudged Landon’s nose with his own.

“I thought I had to wait until the after party.” Landon mocked, trying to look up at the boy as provocatively as he could, even though he was sure he just looked plain stupid. Instead of giving a direct answer, Kennedy gripped his hips harshly, leaning down and attaching Landon’s lips to his own. Suddenly, aside from all the coy jokes, Landon felt like his insides had been kerosene and Kennedy was an open flame lighting it all on fire, it was euphoric, it was like when you were little, and kept swinging and getting higher and higher and higher, and finally you gathered up the courage to jump off. That moment when you were just free falling, almost floating through the air between the swing and the ground, and you had that great feeling in the pit of your stomach. His fingers gripped and curled into the fabric of the guitarist’s shirt, before his hands slid up Kennedy’s chest, finally resting entwined behind the boy’s neck. He stood up as tall as he could, managing on his toes, and Kennedy pressed further up against him, their lips still colliding together. He was surprised at himself, that he was acting this way, making out with the older boy backstage, where anyone could see, and beyond that he wasn’t really one to make out in the first place, but the energy in the room felt right and it stopped his nerves and shaking for a few slight moments, even though he knew it’d be back again in no time.

Pulling away for much needed air, Landon’s face burned with shame and embarrassment, and Kennedy chuckled, looping his arms around his middle and pressing a kiss to the side of his head. Someone walked past, scolding the guitarist and instantly Landon’s face was being shoved into Kennedy’s chest. Halfway from instinct, and halfway from Kennedy pulling him completely up against him in a smothering fashion, all Landon could see was darkness anytime he opened his eyes due to the dark color of the older boy’s shirt and the lack of light backstage.

“Oh god, not another one.” The stranger laughed at Kennedy, and Landon cringed, burying his face further into the fabric and turning his head in the opposite direction of the voice in attempts to hide himself from being recognized. “Who’s it this time?”

“New girl.” Kennedy muttered, sounding a bit annoyed.

“Damn, are you on the welcoming committee or something? Because you should be.” Kennedy just let out a small laugh, and Landon attempted to stop biting the fuck out of his lip, waiting for blood to start pouring out at any moment.

“Alright, well I gotta go on stage so…” The stranger was gone in no time, mumbling small apologies and telling the boy to knock ‘em dead, and Kennedy released Landon, this time his jaw clenched and his features not soft and loving the way they had been moments before. “That was close.” Kennedy muttered in his annoyed tone still, this time directed at Landon, who stood there with a confused look on his face, rubbing the back of his neck the way he did in situations where he wasn’t sure what to do. He stared down at his feet, still biting his lip, not sure what to say in case he just annoyed the boy more. “You should probably get going.” Kennedy continued, and Landon looked up, now realizing Kennedy already had his guitar strapped to him, and nodded dejectedly, feeling nausea burning in his gut when he noticed just how many people had shown up.

Returning to the crowd, he had to force his way through groups of girls to get up to the front where he noticed Alicia and the other two girls swaying along, he was always terrible with names, and if he had to speak to either by naming them he had a feeling he’d be in trouble. Landon swallowed the lump in his throat, shoving past a guy and finally reached the small group of girls, Maddie off to the right side where Garrett was standing, mouthing the words and jumping around. He was sure the others, Claire, Ashley, and Lauren were here, he just wasn’t sure where, and couldn’t be bothered with the way the room was starting to slowly spin and his breathing was beginning to get ragged. Alicia squealed over the music,purposely accidentally brushing against him, and Landon’s stomach felt as though he’d just been stabbed, even before she touched him. Something was going wrong, and he suddenly felt in a panic, while the younger girl twirled and tried to get her arms around him. The looming darkness in between shots of light didn’t help the way the room seemed to be closing in, and Landon could hardly feel the floor beneath his feet even as he shifted and moved around, trying to stay focused on beating this.

A panic attack, a fucking panic attack was all it took, and he was practically a puddle of goo, feeling like he was dying. It seemed all too familiar to him ,there was no way this was anything new, and voices echoed through his head to stop being such a pussy, words that didn’t belong to him. Without a word to the girl clinging to him, he slipped out of her grasp and gave the brunette guitarist on stage a panicked look, before shoving frantically through the crowd again, this time getting shoved back, at one point getting shoved a little too harshly, and Landon’s hands flew out haphazardly, protecting him from hurting himself. His head screamed at the idea of getting off the floor, but he had to do it, it felt as though he’d been kicked hard in the ribs and gotten all the wind knocked out of him. Shutting his eyes tight to defend against the dizzying nausea, he finally shoved himself off the floor, pushing himself immediately out the closest door, the one with ‘EXIT’ in fluorescent red.

He slumped to the ground outside the venue, knees bent and head in his hands, feeling like he’d just fought through world war three, and gasped for air. He wondered how long it’d take them to find him, the thought of going back inside terrified him to his very core, it was too much, and this was exactly why he’d said no in the first place when he’d been asked. There was still the after party though, and he would have to find some way there.

As if anyone cares. The foreign voice in his mind echoed again, causing goose bumps to rise on his arms. As if he wasn’t a freak enough, now some other voice was rattling his head that he had managed to awaken somehow.

With an aggravated sigh, he threw his head back multiple times against the brick wall behind him, willing the voice to stop.

It was going to be a long night.