The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Today wasn’t going to be a good day; Landon had already decided this subconsciously before he woke up. He was covered in sweat and shaking, and his hair was matted to his face from the pressure of his face in the pillow and the wetness of his skin. He’d had the nightmare again, the one he could never figure out, never remember, and usually went into attacks from. He sat up on the couch, looking around and trying to wake himself up, assure himself it was just a dream, and pry his hair from his face.

It was almost noon, which surprised Landon that no one seemed to be stirring in the house, and he almost thought he was still dreaming for a few moments, until he noticed the note sitting on the coffee table in front of him from his aunt, remarking that he needed to call his parents some time today, and that she had errands to run. He was still dazed, just sitting on the couch staring at the wall straight ahead, having chills every so often, unable to shake the effect that nightmare always had on him.

Somehow, the remote made it into his hands, and he sunk down into the couch trying to lose himself in whatever was on the television, but there were too many channels, too many options, and so he left it on the channel it was already turned to, a continuous paid programming trying to sell him a miniature grill device, and the way they were preaching it, if Landon had a credit card he would have already been sold.

Someone was knocking at the door and in Landon’s already shaken up state, he jumped straight up into the air, before shakily making his way to the door, opening it just barely and peering out, knowing whoever it was was going to think he was a psycho, as if the whole town didn’t already know. John stood outside, the rest of the main door, and the screen separating him from the inside, and his face held a friendly smile towards Landon.

“Hey Lan.”

“H-Hey.” Landon stuttered, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth while John pulled open the screen door, and Landon stumbled back away from the door, letting the taller boy come in, anxiously running his fingers through his hair once John was inside. “Pat’s still asleep…” John nodded, sitting down in the oversized chair next to the couch.

“He’ll be up soon I’m sure.” Landon had a feeling John was trying to comfort him in some way, and his bony kneecaps knocked together as he made his way back to his original seat on the couch. “What happened to you? John pressed. “You seem pretty messed up, man.”

Landon continued the repetitive movement of smoothing his hair, staring at the paid programming on the television again. “Just a bad day.” He mumbled, not sure if John heard him at first, until the older boy shoved out of his chair and darted down the hall. He could hear the two of them going back and forth in Pat’s room, John telling Pat he had to get up, and that Landon was a mess, and Landon just simply sat on his couch, continuing to straighten his hair with his fingers, feeling the simplicity of it all, not expecting his half-asleep cousin to make an appearance. His eyes darted to Pat’s face with innocence, and Pat sat down next to him.

“What cabinet again?” John yelled, and Landon’s eyebrows furrowed, unsure what the two boys were getting at, and Pat hooked his arms around Landon’s sides, even while Landon cringed and tried to squirm away.

“The one above the sink. Calm down.” Pat mumbled drowsily, and Landon had a feeling his cousin was about to fall asleep on him, since Pat kept nuzzling into him.

“What do you mean calm down?”

“You’re practically shaking the whole couch, Lan.” John answered for Pat, walking back into the living room and handing Landon a bottle of water and a few pills, which Landon knew exactly what were for. He couldn’t even get the lid off the water bottle, let alone hold it without getting some on himself; apparently he had been shaking, even though he wasn’t feeling any of it.

----

The boys were all having practice. Landon had been invited, but he’d declined, he’d declined everything today, and these were all reasons why he wasn’t supposed to have the pills that much, even though his therapist had tried to talk him into taking them daily, they absolutely killed him entirely. He’d spent the past forty minutes merely lying on the carpet in Pat’s room, watching the ceiling fan spin.

Maddie had shone up with Kennedy, tucked under his arm the whole time, and Landon considered telling them he’d come to practice in hopes that maybe she didn’t hate him too bad, and they could talk, maybe he could find out more about Kennedy that he didn’t already know. This task would require motivation though, and Landon had none of that today, and so he just continued to watch the fan spin.

Cosmo came running in, docked tail wagging, and started nudging Landon, covering his face in kisses, and the boy let out squeals, ruffling up the curls of hair the poodle had, only encouraging the dog more, as it climbed up on Landon’s chest, staring down at him.

“Yeah, hi Cosmo, I love you too.” At this the dog went into another fit, and licked straight up the front of Landon’s face, making him wrinkle it and squirm. A loud bang came from out in the hallway, apparently someone had run into something, and Cosmo took off towards the noise.

Landon crawled into the hallway, following Cosmo, who took him to the practice room, where Landon crept like he had this morning when he was trying to figure out who was out front, clinging to the wall and peering in from the side.

“What?” John asked, before making some kind of motion, and the guys stopped playing. Maddie motioned towards the doorway. “No one’s there, Mads.” John laughed, but Maddie persisted on, catching onto Landon, who had ducked out of the doorway.

“Can I help you?” She yelled, and Landon peered back in, noting how everyone was staring at him now. Landon stood up, leaning against the door opening and running his fingers through his hair again.

“I was uhm, I was-.”

“Creeping?” Jared answered for him, laughing.

“Yeah.” Landon stared at his feet, knowing his face had to be all red.

“You can come in and sit down...you know?” Garrett suggested, and Landon nodded, stumbling over to where Maddie sat on the floor and sat down next to her. He pulled his knees up against his chest, trying to keep his gaze away from the guitarist that it kept flocking to, and Kennedy flashed him a smile, one that even showed the gap in his teeth, and Landon wished he had enough emotion and energy in him to smile back.

The band started back into practice, and Landon leaned his head against the wall behind him, shutting his eyes and just letting the music flow through him. He couldn’t quite concentrate on anything, and he knew it was the meds making his brain foggy, like they always did, and leaving him numb.

“You’re Landon, right?” Maddie’s voice interrupted his concentration on not concentrating, and he opened his eyes, glancing over at her.

“Yeah, I’m Pat’s cousin, we used to hang like, god knows how many years ago. Before you had boobs.” He shook his head, turning his attention back to the boys playing their hearts out in front of them. He noticed the way she stared at the bass player, and nudged her a little. “So you and Garrett?”

Maddie blushed, and toyed with the hem of her shirt, before she looked back up at Landon. “Well it’s not exactly official…I mean I think he wants to be…it’s just….” Her eyes trailed over to Kennedy, and no further words were needed. “So, do you have a girlfriend back home or?”

“No.” Landon shook his head, eyes flickering up to the guitarist in front of him, “I haven’t been in a relationship in a while.” Maddie simply nodded.

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Yeah.” Landon let out a weak laugh, startling himself when the guys had stopped playing and he actually heard the noise awkwardly come out of his mouth.

“Done?” Maddie grinned, she’d come to sneak in time with Garrett, this was an obvious point to Landon, and Kennedy must not have put up too much of a fight, because he could at least supervise.

“For now.” Pat answered, tucking his greasy hair behind his ears, while taking in account of his drums. The boys packed up and put away their instruments and turned off amps and Landon tapped his fingers on his kneecaps anxiously, not sure what to do next. The guitarist he’d been staring at came walking over, and Landon’s eyes fell to the ground as Kennedy sat down next to Maddie, a small smile on his face.

“Hey Lan.”

“H-Hey.” Landon bit his thumbnail, leaning forward past Maddie to see the older boy.

“You okay? I’m sorry about the other night.”

“It’s fine! I’m fine! I mean…yeah.” Landon’s face burned, and he covered his mouth with his knuckle. Kennedy let out a soft laugh, that made his heart flutter a little, and he struggled to recover from his rambling. “What’s left for today?”

“I don’t know Kirch, what is left for today?” Kennedy smirked, and Landon’s head started to tear at itself, even with the medicine that was supposed to help.

“Grub.” John answered for Landon, while he lifted up the bottom of his shirt, wiping his forehead off. “Any suggestions where?”

“Denny’s?” Maddie and Jared said at the same time, before he leaned over and high fived her, and Landon glanced around as the rest of the group let out small compliances.

“Alright, raise your hand if you want Denny’s.” Jared suggested, and everyone in the room but Landon raised them. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, he never really knew, and he looked around anxiously, until Maddie gripped his right hand, holding it up in the air for him.

“Well, looks like we’re going to Denny’s.” Pat laughed, and John unhooked his keys from his belt loop, glancing around.

“Who’s riding with who?”

Landon glanced around in the same fashion. “Well who all is driving? I mean I will…if you guys want…” He mumbled, keeping his eyes away from the others, not making eye contact.

“Okay, so John, Jared, and Pat, you guys can all go in John’s, and I’ll ride with Garrett, Maddie.” Kennedy stopped, shooting his younger sister a look, “And Landon.” The way he said Landon’s name made the younger boy’s pulse speed up, and he fought against the way his hands were shaking at the thought that he was going to have to drive with Kennedy sitting next to him.

-----

“You know, you fidget a lot when you drive.” Kennedy blurted out while Landon tried to focus on the road ahead of him, and not the way the older boy had been scrutinizing every move he made. Kennedy was right though, over the course of the last fifteen minutes, Landon couldn’t remember a moment he wasn’t moving, always shifting and sliding down in his seat, or spreading or relaxing his legs more, and he constantly had a hand in his hair, or was itching his nose or leg, he was never really content being still. It wasn’t like he was always like this, he didn’t recall doing any of this any other time he’d drove.

“Thank you Kenny.” He answered unenthused, turning down the next street. Giggles were erupting from his backseat, Maddie and Garrett doing god knows what, and Kennedy was trying to ignore it apparently, since he wouldn’t stop going through Landon’s glove box and toying with the radio. “She’s just a kid.” Landon glanced over at the boy in his passenger seat, unease written all over Kennedy’s face. “Like you don’t remember your first summer love?” Landon laughed quietly, and Kennedy scowled.

“That was different.”

“Oh yeah, how, Brock? Because it was you and not her? Because you were the guy who was going after girls for that reason?”

“Times were different.”

“Times were like what, two years ago?” Landon grinned, and the older boy rolled his eyes at him.

“At least I got girls, okay.” That was a stab at Landon’s confidence, but it really didn’t hurt too bad, since it was Kennedy, and since Landon wasn’t the slightest bit interested in any girls he’d met as of yet, he had no reason to be hurt that he didn’t have one. He let the conversation end there, since they were already on the street for Denny’s, and turned in, parking next to John’s car.

Landon followed the small group out of the car and into the restaurant, as they joined the rest of the group at a long stretch of a table. Everyone was already discussing what they were getting, but he couldn’t focus. His head was pounding in a dizzying way, and anytime he moved, everything seemed to slow down for a few seconds. He’d already used the bathroom excuse once, even though he was terrified of public restrooms, just to be able to move around, but standing up everything had gone black and he’d just had to continue walking, unsure of where he was until his vision steadied itself again.

An older lady was their server; a polite half smirk was on her face, evident she was remembering being their age. Landon tried over and over to get Pat’s attention, who was diagonal from him, but too busy discussing the menu. He threw his napkin at Pat, who continued to ignore him, and shoved up, from his seat again, gripping the back of John’s chair tightly as he blindly argued with his cousin.

“I don’t feel good.” Landon mumbled, making sure to keep his voice low.

“So just wait, get food in you, that’s probably what you need, you didn’t eat today, I thought, that’s probably it.” Pat reassured him, and he gripped the chair tighter.

“Pat, I really need to leave.”

“Landon, just breathe.” Landon shook his head, and unsteadily made his way out the exit. He wasn’t sure how, but he made it to his car before he passed out, unlocking it and climbing into the front seat.

He stretched his legs up by the steering wheel, shifting around until he was comfortable enough, and closed his eyes, trying to make his head stop spinning.

------

Landon was just about to fall asleep, since he’d finally calmed down enough, and his head had stopped spinning, when the passenger door opened and he turned his head, opening his eyes again as Kennedy sat down, setting a small takeout box on the dashboard so he could situate himself, before resting his legs up on the dash just as Landon had, taking the box into his lap. Landon stared at Kennedy, puzzled, as the boy said nothing, and just shut his door, opening up the box and eating his sandwich.

Landon couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, and Kennedy’s head darted up while he licked his lips. “Shit, Lan, I thought you were asleep still.”

Landon shook his head. “Why’d you come out, you could have stayed in there and ate…” To this the older boy shrugged, taking another bite of the sandwich.

“Thought you could use some company.” Kennedy mumbled, mouth full of food. “What happened, in there?”

“I just didn’t feel good…dizzy and all that.” Landon kept his eyes away from the boy next to him, trying to stray away from admitting it was the fact he was on crazy-people-sedation-type of meds, and then he’d have to tell him what happened this morning and Landon wasn’t ready to scare away Kennedy yet. Surprisingly, Kennedy didn’t ask anything further about it, and instead handed Landon the other half to the sandwich. Landon slid down further in his seat, mumbling a small thank you.

“So what’re your plans for the rest of today?” Kennedy asked. It was already practically evening, the sun was going down, and Landon really had no honest clue what he was doing.

“I don’t know…why?” He chewed his lip; the guys were finally coming out the door now, Pat practically running to Landon’s car.

“I was thinking abo-.” Kennedy started, just as Pat yanked the door to Landon’s side open.

“Are you okay?” Pat quickly took in account of him, checking him from head to toe before glancing over at Kennedy curiously, then returning his attention to Landon.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Landon’s eyes flickered to Kennedy, wondering what he had been about to suggest.

Pat just nodded, and hesitantly climbed in John’s car. Landon shut his door, turning the key in the ignition. Maddie slid into the backseat, hand in hand with Garrett, and Landon caught the look in Kennedy’s eyes before the older boy went back to staring out the window.

“Am I taking anyone home or…?” Landon mumbled, glancing around.

“Just Maddie.” Kennedy responded quietly.

“I’m not just going to go sit at home, Kenny!” Maddie was throwing a fit in the back seat, and Landon reversed, going in the direction of their house, even though she’d probably hate him for it, he didn’t know what to do.

“You’ve spent all day with Garrett, that’s enough.”

“What if I want to spend the night with him?” Landon couldn’t see her, but he was pretty sure she was smirking.

“Keep talking like that and you won’t see him at all.” Kennedy turned in his seat, and Landon let out a small sigh, turning down their street, just wanting the fight to be over. The two wouldn’t stop going back and forth, and Garrett was silent, obviously scared of what exactly would happen.

“By the way!” Kennedy leaned over Landon when the car had rolled to a stop, and Maddie had climbed out. “Tell mom I’m spending the night at Pat’s.” Landon’s breath hitched, and the older boy purposely slowly removed himself from his lap, smirking the whole time.