The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Something heavy fell on top of Landon, and he let out a groan, inhaling sharply. Kennedy’s elbow, or maybe elbows, Landon wasn’t sure, dug into his ribs, and the older boy weighed heavily on his chest, along with the force from him falling off of the couch onto him. Landon tried to keep quiet the best he could, but Kennedy just shifted and made him even more uncomfortable, practically scrambling on top of him.

Landon held his breath, waiting for the boy to calm down, and Kennedy finally stopped moving, but instead brought his knee up, digging it roughly into Landon’s crotch, and Landon took a sharper breath, while Kennedy just relaxed on top of him. He tried to be gentle about it, moving out from under Kennedy, but he knew it wasn’t going to turn out that way when Kennedy started letting out small noises, and Landon finally just rolled the boy off of him, feeling the immediate relief when he could breathe again. Kennedy let out a small groan next to him, and Landon turned his head, eyes immediately meeting Kennedy’s, since he was awake now, staring back at him.

Kennedy’s face looked flushed, the most obvious reason from waking up, but Landon was pretty sure he was a bit embarrassed. Landon pushed his hair back, eyes not breaking contact from Kennedy’s, a small smile on his face, for once he wasn’t the ashamed one. He shifted as though he was going to go back to sleep, even though it was impossible, he was wide awake now, and turned on his other side.

After a few moments of practical silence, nothing but breathing echoing through the room, Kennedy’s fingertips fell lightly against Landon’s bare arm, and goose bumps etched themselves on his skin, the hair on his arms standing straight up, Kennedy was barely touching him, but yet it still caused a small burn in his stomach, the good kind though, at least he thought. Landon turned again, facing the older boy, who was sitting up now, glancing around tiredly, seeming as though someone had drugged him, or maybe he was lacking the proper brain functions, and Landon suppressed a laugh. He wasn’t sure why Kennedy always had him smiling or laughing, even if it was just a little bit, even if it was a bad day, but that didn’t mean he didn’t like it.

He glanced at Kennedy expectedly, who yawned. “What time is it?” His voice was rough with sleep, and groggy, and Landon felt around the floor for a few minutes, before realizing his phone wasn’t on him, he’d have to get out from under the blankets and walk all the way to the kitchen if he planned on finding out the time, and his aunt had put the air conditioning on full blast.

“Kennedy.” Landon whined, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck. His blanket fell away from his torso, and he shivered at the cold air, even though he still had on a shirt and boxer briefs. “Go find out what time it is yourself.” Landon pulled his blanket back up and around him, glaring at the boy next to him.

“But you woke me up!” Kennedy pulled the closest thing next to him, one of Cosmo’s toys, and chucked it at Landon.

“But you fell on me, asshole!” Landon squealed and tried to dart out of the way, but still managed to get hit, picking it up off the floor and throwing it harder at Kennedy’s head and missing terribly. Kennedy started chuckling rather loudly. Landon heard shifting coming from the other end of the room, they were waking Pat up, and he threw his hand over Kennedy’s mouth, knocking him backwards and accidentally falling on top of the older boy. Landon’s face burned, as did the rest of him, and he stared wide eyed down at Kennedy, who stared back at him in the same fashion. Landon’s hand dropped from Kennedy’s mouth, and he fought against everything his body was urging him to do, easing himself off of the boy.

“We should, uhm, go see what time it is or something? Are you hungry? You can just go back to bed if you want…I always wake up too early.” Landon stood up, rambling and playing with his hair like always, and Kennedy lay on the ground under him, smirking.

Landon cleared his throat, and held out a shaky, sweaty hand, that Kennedy took into his own, getting up off of the floor, towering over Landon now, like always. Even though Kennedy was standing now, he still hadn’t released his hand, and Landon’s insides were doing back flips. Kennedy smiled at him, obviously noticing how uneasy he was, and squeezed his hand before dropping it, motioning forward at Landon.

“After you, Kirch.” Landon self consciously wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stand up against the urge he had to stick a hand in his hair and rip at it, like he always did. He led the way into the kitchen, placing his palms back against edge of the laminate counter, and jumped up, having to steady a foot against one of the drawers, just so he could sit on top of it. The older boy came stumbling in, hands fumbling against the kitchen walls in an attempt to find a light switch.

“It’s right-.” Before Landon could point it out, Kennedy found it, and the kitchen flooded with the fluorescent lights. Landon squinted, but he could still see well enough, well enough to look at the clock on the wall across from him, that read that it was four in the morning. He combed a hand through his hair, chewing his lip, while Kennedy scavenged through the kitchen, doing what most normal boys would do, aside from Landon.

“You hungry?” Kennedy mumbled, opening up a foil Pop-Tart wrapper, and Landon shrugged, he wasn’t, but he’d eat it if Kennedy tells him to, and he realized how ridiculously submissive of a thought that was to have. Kennedy absentmindedly stuck the first strawberry Pop-Tart in his mouth, pulling out the second one, which he gently handed to Landon. Kennedy took it back out of his mouth, taking a bite, and leaned against the counter across from where Landon had been swinging his legs on the counter. Landon stared down at the pastry in his hand, before taking a small bite of it, seeing the satisfaction in Kennedy’s face, who just smiled a little, his mouth full, and Landon couldn’t help but smile back.

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Landon wiped his hands against his bare legs, thinking at first he had pants on, and then realized he didn’t, and let out a quiet laugh at himself, stopping when the older boy glanced his way.

“What’s so funny?” Kennedy’s eyebrows furrowed, he was the first to talk in ten minutes, they had just eaten in silence, and then co existed in silence, Landon assuming Kennedy was in some form of concentration or thought, he’d been too cautious to ruin it.

“Nothing.” Landon shook his head, and his dark hair fell in his face, that he annoyingly pushed back; feeling like it was trying to suffocate him.

“Why don’t you just get a hair cut?” His eyebrows furrowed at this. Landon had never really even let the thought cross his mind that he should ever cut his hair. It’s been long as long as he could remember, and he’s ripped and tugged and ran his fingers through it for the same amount of time. Losing his hair would be losing a security blanket, and that’s not something he wanted to do. Somewhere in the back of his mind there was a subconscious link between his hair and a memory, his hair and someone, but he couldn’t remember who, and he was trying not to get too troubled, even though his nerves and mind were way beyond his control, acting up like always.

“I…don’t really cut my hair.” He mumbled, swinging his legs again, and stared down at the wood floor beneath his feet.

“Why?” Kennedy repeated, bending down so he’s in Landon’s line of vision again.

“I just don’t.” He snapped, Kennedy looked taken aback that he was getting that aggravated, and Landon took a deep breath, calming himself. “Sorry.” He mumbled quietly, glancing up, and Kennedy just nodded.

“We should play truth or dare.” Kennedy smirked confidently after a few moments, and Landon could only imagine the shock that was on his own face.

“There are only two of us, though.” He was making excuses, and he knew Kennedy could tell.

“So?” Kenny shrugged, and took a step towards Landon, locking eyes, and rested the palms of his hands on Landon’s bare knee caps. “Truth or dare?” He smirked, and Landon swallowed hard, trying to keep eye contact, even though his pulse was racing.

“Tru-Dare.” He corrected himself, saying dare harsher than he had started to speak at first, and Kennedy laughed.

“Alright, fair enough.” Kennedy’s lips pressed together in thought, and Landon could only imagine the terrible things the boy was going to make him do. Kennedy drummed lightly on Landon’s bare legs, still in thought, before he stopped, locking eyes with him again. “Okay. I dare you to…” He paused, taking in a second thought, Landon assumed, or just reassuring himself that was the one he was going with. “Streak across the backyard.” Kennedy’s smirk had returned to his face.

Landon burst out laughing, unable to contain it, and covered his mouth, trying to muffle his laughter. “No, you’re kidding, right?” Kennedy shook his head. “Kennedy, I’m not fucking streaking.”

“Pussy.” Kennedy mumbled, rolling his eyes.

“Excuse me, what was that?”

“I. Said. ‘Pussy’.” Kennedy repeated himself, louder, and put emphasis on each word, coming increasingly closer to Landon, who leaned back each time he did, eyes wide.

“I’m not a pussy.” He huffed.

“Then do it.”

“I’m not doing it.” Landon shoved Kennedy’s chest, and the older boy backed up, sighing.

“Fine…I dare you to…” Kennedy paused, staring up at the ceiling in thought again. “I dare you to…” Kennedy waved a hand absentmindedly. “Scream ‘penis’ as loud as you can.” Landon grinned confidently, shrieking it as loud as his lungs would allow, and Cosmo came running into the kitchen, as one of the neighbor’s dogs had started barking. “Your turn.” Kennedy rolled his eyes, obviously unimpressed.

Landon pressed his fingertips together. “Okay…” He hopped off the counter, and Kennedy backed up, giving him room. Landon tiptoed into the living room, Pat shifted around, before settling back into the chair, just like he had hoped, and Landon padded back into the kitchen. “I dare you to go draw on Pat’s face.” He grinned widely, and Kennedy just gave him a look.

“What are we, fourteen? I don’t have anything to draw with, anyways.” Landon was far ahead of him, digging through a drawer that was filled with miscellaneous things usually, and he was sure there had to be some form of writing utensil inside. He pulled out a Crayola marker, figures his aunt wouldn’t keep permanent markers around Pat, and handed it to Kennedy, shooing him on. Kennedy obliged, even though he continuously remarked on how immature it was, and Landon leaned against the entrance to the kitchen, watching Kennedy creep over. He covered his mouth, trying to not make too much noise and ruin the entire dare.

Cosmo freaked at the dark figure coming close to Pat, and started howling. Landon gripped the wall behind him for support, trying to keep quiet still, even though he started laughing even harder, and Kennedy froze, one leg in the air in mid-step.

“Shh. Cosmo.” Landon made small clicking noises, trying to coax the poodle towards him, that started to howl louder. Pat started shifting and moving all around in the chair, and Kennedy swore a few times. Landon continued trying to coax the dog towards him, before tiptoeing over and picking Cosmo right up off the floor, hushing him. Kennedy stayed frozen for a few more moments, and Landon stood nearby, petting and keeping Cosmo calm, while they waited for Pat to fall back asleep.

Pat finally did, ironically falling asleep facing Kennedy, who laughed quietly, tracing lines on Pat’s face. After Kennedy was done, he gestured towards the sleeping boy, and Landon bit down hard on his knuckle, refraining from busting at his sides from the laughter piling up in him over the dick that had been drawn on his cousin’s face. He nudged Kennedy, giving him a high five, and Kennedy walked back towards the kitchen, to get rid of the evidence, Landon assumed, and he followed him.

“Kay, so my turn, right?” Kennedy shut the drawer, turning to face Landon.

“Yeah…” Landon bit his lip anxiously again.

“Truth or dare?” Kennedy had an edge to his voice, and Landon was apprehensive again.

“…Dare?” He stared at his bare feet on the floor.

“I dare you.” Kennedy poked Landon in the chest lightly; he’d been saving this dare apparently. “To go into the basement.”

“With like, the light on…right?” Landon didn’t like small places, and he definitely didn’t like small, dark places. Kennedy laughed.

“With the light on? That defeats the whole purpose of the dare.” Kennedy nudged Landon lightly, waiting on him to go, and Landon sunk his teeth far into his bottom lip, shakily padding out of the kitchen and to the basement door. His hands shook terribly as he gripped the basement door, but it didn’t click shut behind him, so he hoped that meant Kennedy was watching out for him.

Landon gripped the walls blankly, making his way down the steps, and stood in the middle of the small, overcrowded room that was filled with junk. He couldn’t stop shaking, and he hugged himself, trying to see, but his eyes couldn’t adjust, and it was too dark to see anything.

First, he could have sworn he heard the stairs creak, but then there was a noise behind him, and then to the sides. It seemed like whatever it was getting closer and closer, and Landon’s heart was racing fast enough he thought he was going to have a heart attack. A bag rustled next to him, and he couldn’t help it, letting out a small whimper.

“K-K-Kennedy?” Landon stuttered out, hugging himself tighter, and he reached one of his hands up to his hair, continuously running it through, trying to calm himself, but he didn’t even know where the stairs were at, he’d never been in the basement of his aunt’s, unless he was too young to remember. The noises stopped for a few moments, and Landon’s breathing pattern slowed, until a dark figure jumped out at him, and he swore loudly, taking a step back, and tripping over something on the floor, falling into a massive pile of things his family had had stacked down there.

The light flicked on, and Kennedy stared down at him wide eyed, and Landon stared back up at him from the floor, feeling his body ache from the fall.

“Shit, Lan, You alright?”

“I’m fi-.” Landon stopped, eyeing a box that was different from the others, and had been placed out of sight. “What’s that?”

“What’s what…?” Kennedy looked down at him, confused, and Landon scuffled up out of the mess he’d made, his joints popping, and gingerly picked up the small box.

He sat down in the middle of the room that was now brightly lit, and didn’t scare him anywhere near as before, and padded the spot next to him with his hand, motioning at Kennedy, who apprehensively sat down.

“Landon, if it was hidden…I mean it’s in the basement maybe there’s a reason…” Kennedy kept trying to talk Landon out of it, who just stared at him momentarily, before lifting up the lid. A few photo albums sat inside, some looking absolutely untouched.

“Relax, Ken, it’s just pictures.” Landon rolled his eyes, lifting out the first few, that all had labels of years or special events, he made note to go through them some time in the future, but just continued on, until he came across a few beaten up ones, looking withered, that had no caption on them at all. Landon noticed the way Kennedy was shifting on the floor uneasily next to him, clearing his throat every so often, and he was just waiting for the older boy to protest again. Dust was flying in the air, and Landon coughed, rubbing his nose against his arm, feeling his allergies act up, and he pulled one of the larger ones into his lap, cautiously opening the weathered cover.

“Lan-.” Kennedy started, a warning again.

“Kennedy, shut the fuck up, okay?” Landon grumbled, his fingers gently turning through the first few empty pages, before he got to the pictures inside. Kennedy shifted next to him, leaning closer, and Landon could feel his breath against his shoulder, but he shook off the feeling he was getting, and the way his stomach was turning uneasily, not at Kenny, but as if he was doing something wrong, and his brain kept telling him to leave, to get out of the basement, now.

The first few pictures were of Pat, or a combination of him and one of his three brothers, sometimes all of them at once. Landon smiled a little at them, but continued through, gently turning each page and laying it down before looking at the pictures that filled the album. There were a lot of his family, not his specific branch, but Landon’s aunts, cousins, faces that should hold some kind of memory for him, but Landon had nothing for a memory, just small recognitions.

He turned the page again, and Kennedy shifted, turning his head away, and bit down on his lip. Landon wasn’t sure why he was reacting the way he was, until he focused closer on the pictures on that page. He was pretty sure; he would say at least a good ninety percent positive that was him in the picture. He was the runt, he always had been, people picked on Pat for his size, but Landon was really the smallest of the Kirchs. His child form was standing off to the very side of the picture, and the people beside him were obviously his parents, but they seemed almost uninterested in him, and it only took the numb look on his small face to realize that. They were both grinning widely, and his mother had her arms wrapped around a boy. He was bigger than Landon, but almost identical in looks, long, dark hair similar to his, that had been taken care of, it was neater than Landon’s, he was grinning identically to Landon’s mother, and suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen.

“K-Ken.”

“Hm?” Kennedy glanced over at Landon, and Landon noticed the worried expression on the older boy’s face.

“Who…who is that boy?” His voice was shaking, and he didn’t know why. Kennedy opened and shut his mouth a few times, but it seemed like he couldn’t find the right words, and Landon wanted an answer now. He was no longer gentle, he was anxious, frustrated, upset, angry, everything at once, and he didn’t know why, and he couldn’t contain it. He flipped through the pages faster now, with no caution at all, noting the presence of the boy in almost all the pictures Landon could find of himself, minus a few of Pat and himself with their arms slung around each other. In every picture with the boy, Landon was off to the side, usually looking uncomfortable to some extent. “Kennedy!” He repeated, his voice harsher.

“I…I don’t know Landon, I don’t know who it is.” Kennedy’s voice was too calm, too monotone, too fake. And Landon couldn’t handle any of what he was saying. He was just about to call Kennedy out, scream that he was sick of being bullshitted, he wanted to know who the boy was, when the door to the basement swung open, and Tim bounded down the stairs in pajamas, it had to only be five or six in the morning now.

“What are you doing down here?” Tim eyed them suspiciously, while Landon worked on getting one of the photos out of the sleeve in the album.

“Uhm…we…” Kennedy kept trying to come up with an excuse, but Landon was ahead of him, holding up a picture in his hands of just him and the boy up. As sleepy as Tim looked, he knew he wasn’t that sleepy.

“Who is that boy?” Landon asked again, giving it another chance, and pointed with his finger at the one who wasn’t him. The look on Tim’s face was indescribable, and he looked back at Landon, almost looking through him, as if he’d just seen a ghost.

“Where did you find those?” Tim shot Kennedy a look, and then gave Landon one he still couldn’t fully understand. The two started to talk in hushed tones, and Landon was getting more and more upset.

“Who. Is. That. Boy?” He repeated, and they still ignored him. Landon slid the picture back in, aggravation taking over, and piled the albums back in sloppily. He didn’t know why no one would tell him anything, and why Tim was giving him those looks, that he was still getting, or why Kennedy wouldn’t even look at him anymore.

He shoved the box off to the side, swearing under his breath, and got up, taking off back upstairs. “Where’re you going, Lan?” Kennedy sighed, getting up, and Landon could hear his footsteps behind him, but he just ignored him in the same way that Kennedy and Tim had.

He took his spot on the floor where he’d been before, sliding under his blanket and gripping at his pillow, burying his face deep in it, feeling the tears start to flow. He couldn’t believe he was crying, he didn’t even know what was wrong. There was something about that boy, something he wasn’t supposed to know, or remember, something everyone was hiding from him, and he didn’t know why, and he wished he was normal for five minutes, so maybe he could focus, maybe someone would stop babying him, stop treating him like he couldn’t handle it.

After what felt like hours, Landon couldn’t cry anymore, his chest was rising and falling fast, and he was practically suffocating himself with the pillow, trying to keep quiet, because he had a bad habit of whimpering like a puppy when he would cry. He closed his eyes, and was immediately lost somewhere in between consciousness, the exhaustion from not sleeping and the frustration and ache over what he was dying to know had worn him out entirely.

Landon felt someone next to him, and a thin arm hooked itself around him, pulling him into them comfortingly, just as he drifted into sleep.