The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

It had been a week since the photos incident. Landon was hiding out from everyone, pissed that no one would tell him anything, and even more pissed when they all gave him the same sympathetic look. He’d spent the past week following Pat around, mimicking almost everything the younger boy did, since his brain was fried, and didn’t want to take any part in even attempting decisions.

Tim had pulled Pat aside the morning after the incident, when he and Landon had been silently eating cereal, just waking up, and Landon was almost positive he knew what the two boys had been discussing. Pat had come back to the kitchen table, giving Landon that heinous look of sympathy, and no words had been said.

Ever since, Pat had just seemed to be accustomed to the constant trailing Landon was doing. Tonight was going to be different though, that’d been evident by the amount of times Pat had been on his cell phone and the frenzy he’d been in. Landon had snuck out to the front yard, avoiding any supervision in an attempt to clear his head, that was still filled with so many questions.

He sat down at the very edge of the yard, watching as the drivers going down the street shot him looks to move out of their way, but instead he stayed sitting there, just breathing in open air, for once not tense, the way it’d been for the past few days.

Landon was planning on being on his own for a while, but that proved impossible when he heard the crunch of footsteps against the rock filled driveway, and he dropped his head into his hands, rubbing his face. He didn’t feel it necessary to turn around and see who it was, just continued on as the crunch became louder and louder.

The person took a seat next to him, none other than John O’Callaghan, and Landon sighed, turning his head to the side to look at the older boy, who was just blankly staring straight ahead. Landon waited on John to speak, and it wasn’t long before he did.

“Have you ever felt something for someone, Lan? Like…really felt something.” John paused, licking his lips. “And you can’t let a chance go…you know? Say you were supposed to see them one day; you never know what’s going to happen, so you should take that chance, right?” John turned now, eyeing him up, and Landon pushed the thoughts of Kennedy that had risen in his mind during John’s vent to the back of his mind, trying to focus.

“Yeah…I guess so.” Landon rested his arms against his knees, letting his hands hang down between them, and he stared at the ground. “Trying to be deep, O’Callaghan?” He let out a small laugh, that he was pretty sure John didn’t even hear.

“No…I mean…there’s a point to what I was saying…” John trailed off, running a hand through his hair, and letting out an awkward laugh, so much louder than Landon’s. “There’s this girl…right? And she’s supposed to come to my party tonight…”

“You’re having a party tonight?” Landon’s eyebrows furrowed at the older boy.

“Well…yeah…” Landon had a feeling he wasn’t invited and that was why John was being so shady about the whole ordeal. “And Pat wants me to like, watch you, and all that…I’m sorry, Lan, you know any other day, we’d kick it.” John cracked him a smile, and Landon shrugged, unsure how genuine John was being. “So…I don’t know if you just want to tell him I’m coming to get you but I’m late or whatever…you can stay home, or go out with whomever…” John was rambling, motioning with his hands blindly. Landon knew he was making John’s situation uncomfortable, he didn’t want to care for the mental case for the simple fact there was a girl involved, how ridiculous kids were these days was all Landon could think about, even though he was younger than John himself.

Landon wasn’t sure how to feel that no one wanted to hang with him anymore. Pat was too busy, Tim was too busy, and avoiding him and John was supposedly just overwhelmed with feelings for some girl. Landon hadn’t seen Jared any more than at practice, but they were never overly close, and Kennedy had left awkwardly after Landon had awoken after the photo incident, when he’d realized he’d been cuddled into Kennedy, and almost gone into an attack from pure embarrassment, as much as Kennedy reassured him it was all good, he still had his doubts. Garrett was no where to be seen anymore, probably sneaking around with Maddie somewhere, away from the guys in case someone ratted to Kennedy, and away from Landon, since he was always with Kennedy whenever he saw Garrett.

In short, Landon had no clue what to do with himself tonight. John got up off the ground, dusting off his pants, and gripped Landon’s shoulder gently, mumbling a thank you, before he disappeared out of Landon’s view. Landon picked up the miniscule rocks next to him, chucking them as hard as he could against the pavement of the road that they bounced off of.

It wasn’t long before he grew tired of the ridiculous game, and Landon eased himself off the ground, his back aching from the slouch he’d been in, and he headed back inside. Pat and John were fighting, that dropped to hushed tones when Landon walked in. Obviously, Pat was aware of John’s lack of commitment to watch Landon, and Landon just ran a hand through his hair, knotting it and tugging hard against the roots as he walked down the hallway. He realized he had no where he could go, he didn’t have a room, and sat in the middle of the hallway, hitting his head back against the wall a few times.

Landon heard the front door open and shut, but he didn’t find the motivation or curiosity to go see who it was until he heard a familiar voice, and Landon curled up smaller, in an attempt to disappear. The boy came walking down the hallway now, and Landon knew as hard as he tried, he couldn’t be invisible. Kennedy gripped Landon’s kneecaps, that had been pressed against his chest, and leaned down. Landon could feel the boy’s presence in front of him, and he sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, glancing up at him.

“What’s wrong?” Kennedy’s voice was gentle, that shocked Landon to begin with, and the shock continued as Kennedy reached a hand forward, moving Landon’s hair back and tucking it behind his ear. Landon averted the older boy’s gaze at first, before looking back at him. Kennedy’s face held a small smile, and Landon felt the small hairs on his arms stand up.

“Nothing.” He shrugged, and Kennedy sat down in front of him, resting his head on one of Landon’s knees.

“Just nothing?” Kennedy cocked his head to one side, and Landon tried to look past him, but Kennedy’s face was too close, and he couldn’t really avoid him anymore.

“No one wants to watch me, and the fact that I even need watched is just…” Landon trailed off, blinking and glancing up at the ceiling, folding his arms across his chest. Kennedy’s arms wrapped around Landon’s legs.

“Oh really, no one?” Landon didn’t have to even look up to know the older boy was smirking, he could hear it in Kennedy’s voice.

“Pat and John don’t, and it seems like everyone has plans.” He mumbled.

“Well, I don’t have plans…not yet, anyways.” Kennedy smiled politely, and Landon just stared at him blankly. “Oh, fine, don’t want to hang out with me, I see how it is.”

“N-No!” Landon stuttered, and then blushed from the embarrassment of it. “I wasn’t saying I didn’t want to hang out with you…”

“Then what?” Kennedy seemed to just be getting closer and closer to him, and he was trying to keep as calm as possible.

“I don’t know…I’m boring, I don’t get why you would want to hang out with me.” Landon murmured almost inaudibly, tugging at his hair again.

Kennedy shrugged, drumming absentmindedly and out of tune against Landon’s bony knees. “I’m going to go talk to Pat about it, alright?” He tipped his head so he was in Landon’s line of vision again, and Landon nodded, before noting the older boy had already left.

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Landon’s feet were propped up on Kennedy’s dashboard while Kennedy drove. The radio had been blasting Guns N’ Roses, and the air had been blasting on the highest level, until of course; Kennedy turned both down, signaling he had something to say. As it was, they were no where near the way to Kennedy’s house. Landon had assumed this meant he was taking a longer route, or maybe just wanted to relax and drive for a while, but Kennedy was about to prove him wrong.

“Lan?”

“Mmm?” He answered, turning his head away from the window he’d been staring at to look at the older boy.

“You’ve drunk before…correct? Like went to parties and all?”

Landon nodded slightly. He didn’t remember the last time he went to a party, maybe before he moved? “Y-Yeah, back in Cali…my friends always had parties.” Landon was lying incredibly, he didn’t have any friends in Cali, but he wasn’t sure whether or not Kennedy caught onto him.

“So you wouldn’t mind stopping by John’s…?” Kennedy was dancing on the question by asking, Landon was sure Kennedy knew exactly how he felt about large groups of people, especially loud, drunk ones, but he just shrugged.

It was already starting to get dark when Kennedy had picked him up from the Kirch residence, and it was only getting darker and cooler out as they pulled onto John’s street. Kennedy had to park houses away, from all the cars that swarmed around the area.

Landon creaked open the beater’s door, and shut it as Kennedy locked it at the same time, attaching himself to Kennedy’s side as he followed him down the street to John’s, even though he was well aware where it was. Two houses away, you could hear the music blaring, and shadows were visible from even far away, and Landon could practically smell the rank of the booze and smoke that he was about to encounter.

His stomach churned unsurely, and he contemplated walking away, or just to stop walking all together, but Kennedy’s hand slid into his, holding onto it gently, and Landon knew he wasn’t going anywhere fast. He turned his head towards the older boy, who looked down and smiled reassuringly at him, giving his hand a small squeeze, and Landon wiped his other hand on the fabric of his pants, trying to keep his pulse and breathing under control.

Kennedy held the front door open for Landon, people were outside smoking and talking, no one Landon could recognize, and he ducked under Kennedy’s arm, striding into John’s parent’s house anxiously. It would be cliché to tag the party as being a large amount of people shoved in a small house, some heavily intoxicated, some not, some grinding awkwardly against each other to the blaring music, and some just leaning against anything possible, talking or shouting or singing along to whatever song was playing, most of them clutching to a cup in their hands. The couches were crowded, and the route in and out of the kitchen was relatively packed, and it wasn’t hard to notice a few of the couples in the room getting physical.

It didn’t take much for Landon’s nerves to start, ever, and he reached a hand up, planning on tugging his hair, just in attempt to calm down, but Kennedy’s fingers hooked through his clumsily, the wrong fingers hooked together, and Kennedy just laughed, pulling Landon’s hand down with his, taking Landon even more out of his comfort zone.

“Come on.” Kennedy mumbled close to Landon’s ear, and he felt his warm breath hit the side of his neck, causing the small hairs on the back of it to stand up, but Kennedy led Landon through the small group of people quickly, distracting him from any thoughts he might have had before. Kennedy pulled him through to the kitchen, where John was, arms wrapped around a small girl, and Landon shot Kennedy a look, not sure whether they should be in there while they were having some kind of personal moment.

John and the girl broke away, both looking rather embarrassed, and John gave Kennedy and Landon both looks trying to tell them to leave. “Hey Claire.” Kennedy awkwardly waved, a smile on his face, and Landon swore he heard him snickering under his breath.

“Hey Claire.” Landon spoke up, mimicking Kennedy, even though his voice was so much quieter. He was sure he remembered the girl from somewhere, maybe school, a long time ago, but he was terrible with names.

“Hey Kennedy…Landon-right?” Landon nodded, smile painted on his face politely.

“Ken, man, can I talk to you for a minute?” John had been scrutinizing Landon since he came in, and Landon had been trying to ignore it, but his eyes weren’t the only ones watching him, it seemed like ever since he came in the door everyone had taken some small interest in him.

“Whatever you have to say, you can just say it.” Kennedy wasn’t apparently up to talking privately, and Landon bit his lip, glancing down and around the room. Claire quickly noticed the tension, and whispered something in John’s ear before disappearing out of the kitchen. Landon took the hint, and found the farthest spot of the kitchen away from them both, sitting on the tile and picking at his shoes. Kennedy took a few steps closer, and John started talking in hushed tones, not quiet enough for Landon to not hear though. John didn’t want him there. There was some occurrence or reason for it that Landon didn’t know, but John just kept bringing up that maybe it wasn’t the best place to have him, and urging Kennedy that when he said he could come he didn’t mean Landon too.

It was the feeling that Landon knew all too well, that he was a burden, that there was something or some reason that he wasn’t aware of that no one wanted him around and everyone had to study all his reactions and what if he had an episode, well we couldn’t have that in public, now could we? John continued to push his point, and Kennedy was refuting back, but too quietly for Landon to hear why he wanted Landon to stay.

“We’re not leaving O’Callaghan, it’s all or nothing.” Kennedy broke apart from the conversation, and John left, letting out an exaggerated sigh, and an all knowing look that something would go wrong.

“Your responsibility, Brock, have fun.” John exited the kitchen, probably in search of Claire, who Landon assumed was “the girl” from earlier. Kennedy grabbed red solo cups off the counter, filling them both, and padded over towards Landon, who got up from his previous position on the floor.

“Ignore him.” Kennedy rolled his eyes, a bit of annoyance on his face, and Landon took the cup from him gingerly, the aroma of the beer filling his nose, that he wrinkled in distaste. He took a small sip from it, after watching Kennedy do the same, and swallowed it the best he could, even though he was never one for the taste of beer, he preferred the harder stuff, but that wasn’t something anyone would expect from him, and it was in no way the time to be getting trashed.

Landon felt Kennedy’s hand against the small of his back in an attempt to push him forward throughout the house, until they made it back into the living room, and Kennedy stopped them both next to one of the couches, that two girls sat on, one of them holding a form of recognition for Landon, the other he had no clue about. “I’ll be right back, alright?” Kennedy seemed so cautious, but when Landon turned to answer him he was already gone.

Now the looks that Landon had been getting became more apparent, or maybe he was just more paranoid now, but either way that didn’t dismiss the way he was getting eyed. Two brunettes next to him, one taller than he was almost, and one shorter were talking in hushed tones to their friends, glancing over at him and then making it seem like he wasn’t the object of their attention.

“I heard he told him to do it.” Landon didn’t know how such a small sentence could cause such a rise in him. He sunk his teeth deep into his bottom lip, and shakily ran a hand through his hair, looking around frantically for Kennedy. He couldn’t see well, he was too short, and it was too dark, and he instead slid down in the spot he was sitting, taking a last sip of his drink before setting it aside, and instead curled up next to the couch and against the wall, hoping Kenny would come back and find him relatively soon, figuring that Kennedy would find him quicker than Landon would be able to find Kennedy.

It wasn’t too long, just as Landon suspected, but at the same time, he could have been there for god knows how long before Kennedy came stumbling up, a goofy smile on his face, but it dropped when Landon looked up at him.

“Everything alright?” Kennedy’s whole face was etched with concern, but his eyes were a little cloudy. Landon eyed the cup in Kennedy’s hand, figuring it wasn’t his original cup, he’d gotten another while he was gone, maybe even more than that. Landon just ignored the question, and Kennedy repeated it, eyebrows raised.

“Nothing, just some people were saying shit.” Landon mumbled, waving his hand absentmindedly.

“What?” Kennedy spoke louder, apparently unable to hear him, and Landon scuffled up off the floor, gripping the hem of Kennedy’s shirt and pulling himself up with it. He pressed closer to Kennedy, practically smelling the booze on him, and yelled close to his ear.

“I said, some people were saying shit.”

“Who said what?” Kennedy’s voice had an edge to it, and Landon knew he was going to have to calm the older boy down, especially with the alcohol in his system.

“These girls, they were just saying I told someone to do something, I don’t know, they could have meant anyone, they didn’t say my name...” Kennedy looked like he was concentrated on something, and slightly upset at the same time, but then his face went blank again.

“What do you think they meant?” Kennedy breathed in Landon’s ear, before taking a step back, biting his lip, and Landon felt like throwing a tantrum himself.

“I don’t know what they mean! I don’t know what any of this means!” He yelled loudly, not realizing the music had just ended, and a few dozen sets of eyes all stared at him. Landon tore at his hair, staring at the floor, feeling all the embarrassment and confusion rushing through him, and Kennedy quickly tugged Landon out of the crowd and up the stairs near the front door, pushing the first bedroom door open and pulling Landon in with him, more gently now that they’d managed to get past everyone.

Kennedy released his hold on him, and Landon leaned against the closed door, hands pushing his hair back out of his face while he tried to breathe, even though it seemed impossible to do, and instead he let out small strangled gasps, wishing Kennedy didn’t have to see him like this, because the older boy looked absolutely terrified, since he’d just been frozen in front of him.

Landon dared himself to look up at Kennedy, and when he did, just felt even more pathetic. Then, without warning, Kennedy took a step forward, and tightly wrapped Landon up in his arms, pressing him back against the door, and Landon buried his face in the crook of Kennedy’s neck, trying to steady his breathing still, arms wrapped around the older boy’s neck. Kennedy hummed and shushed Landon, it was a stumbling mix of both due to the lack of sobriety he had, but it still comforted him in some way.

“It’s all going to be alright…eventually…you’ll figure it out.” Kennedy pulled away a little, combing his fingers through Landon’s hair, but Landon wasn’t ready to let go yet, and rested his forehead against Kennedy’s shoulder. “Lan.” Kennedy let out a small laugh, and Landon bit his lip, lifting his head up, just as Kennedy turned his towards him. Landon stared into Kennedy’s lazy brown eyes, which almost seemed like flowing caramel in the light, but Kennedy hadn’t taken the time to flip the switch on, and the darkness only added to the effect of Kennedy’s hands on him.

One of Kennedy’s hands untangled itself from Landon’s hair, and he felt Kennedy’s thumb trace lightly against his bottom lip, the skin of his thumb not overly smooth from the long hours he knew the boy spent playing his guitar. Landon’s thoughts were completely blank, and his lip quivered under Kennedy’s thumb, feeling all kinds of shocks going through his body. Kennedy’s fingers trailed down, cupping under Landon’s chin, and he was positive the boy could hear his heartbeat by now, the way it was beating out of his chest, and his pulse was reverberating throughout his ears. He swallowed dryly, and Kennedy leaned down. Landon’s breath caught in his throat, but just when he finally calmed himself down enough, someone shoved the door from behind him, knocking and disheveling them both, flicking the light on in the process.