The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Maddie stood in the doorway, and Landon straightened himself out, pushing back his hair and exhaling. His eyes immediately flickered over to Kennedy, but he couldn’t find any kind of answer to what he was looking for, not that he really knew what he was looking for, or what he wanted the boy to do.

“What’re you doing here?” Landon prepared himself for Kennedy’s fit that he thought he would throw, but the older boy didn’t, instead just sounding overly confused and tired.

“I was invited, thank you.” Maddie snapped, and Kennedy just shoved past her, leaving Landon alone in the room. He dropped his head, his hair flooding to his face, and he awkwardly pushed it back, glancing up at Maddie but not in her eyes, unsure of how shaken up he had to look. “So…why were you and my brother talking…in the dark…?” Maddie was eyeing him strangely, and Landon was in no mood to come up with some crazy lie to cover Kennedy’s ass.

Landon shrugged. “I was having an attack.” He didn’t let the younger girl question any further, shoving past her and out the small door frame, before taking back off down the stairs, trying to find Kennedy. It was suffocating now, the groups of people and the rank smell of the alcohol. Landon felt dizzied and choked at the same time, and just wanted the older boy to take him home. He was so confused, so outright confused. Kennedy had never came off to him as the kind that would be into him, mainly from how Kennedy was around girls, and Landon could vouch for that personally, having accidentally walked in on a hookup before.
He paced and trailed through the house numerous times, circling it over and over, but Kennedy was no where to be found, and if he was, he was unrecognizable against the rest of the dark faces that lined the house. He’d already managed to pass by John, who looked like he was concerned, but too busy at the moment, and arm around Claire, and now Landon recognized the figure on the couch to be Jared, a small girl tucked into his side.

“Who’re you looking for?” Jared yelled, obviously noticing how lost he looked.

“Kennedy.” Landon yelled back as loud as he could; before he pressed his knuckles to his mouth self consciously. Jared extended an arm that wasn’t around the girl to the other corner of the room. Landon apprehensively glanced over, feeling his heart sink when he noticed how Kennedy was hanging on some girl, the same smirk on his face that he always gave Landon. Right when he was about to tear his eyes away, feeling the pain in his gut intensify, Kennedy glanced around, as if he felt someone watching him, and then looked directly at Landon, his jaw clenched and a look of pure confusion on his face again.

Landon was done; he was done with the looks people gave him, done with the party and all the intoxicated youth around him, and mostly done with Kennedy at the moment. He shoved through the groups of people now, not caring when they’d swear or yell at him, and darted out the front door into the night. It was cooler out, now with the sun down, but dark enough that Landon could barely see where he was going, his eyes still adjusting. He stumbled down the side of the road, knowing he was a long ways away from the comfort of the Kirch’s house, but he wasn’t about to go back in John’s and wait for someone to take him home, he needed to leave. It was easier for him to breathe, outside, alone, no one was watching him, trailing along, this was what independent must feel like, but Landon had a feeling it’d be long before he could be completely on his own, if ever.

The great feeling of freedom died five steps down the side of the road. He held his breath as he walked now. He could swear with each step he heard something, or some one, and it was starting to get the best of him. Landon chewed his lip, glancing around in utter paranoia, just waiting for someone to jump out of somewhere. A car sped past at the same moment, teenagers drunk and leaning out the window shrieked words at him he couldn’t quite comprehend, and he jumped at the loudness of the noise, almost falling into the ditch in the yard behind him.

He heard someone yelling his name, and Landon composed himself, turning around just as Maddie bounded up to him. “Where’re you going?”

“Home.” Landon stated simply, laughing bitterly.

“Isn’t that like…states away?”

“I meant Pat’s.” Landon ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay…want me to walk with you…so you don’t get taken or anything?” Hearing it out loud made Landon’s paranoia rise, and he nodded quickly, proceeding to lead the way, walking next to Maddie on the bike path of the street. “So…how long are you staying in Tempe?”

“I’m not really sure yet…” Landon shrugged. “Until I can’t stand it anymore, I guess, I was planning on leaving in August, maybe the end of July.”

“You’re out of school though, right?”

“Yeah.” Landon kicked a rock near his feet that he knew he would have tripped over otherwise. “So how long has the whole you and Garrett thing been going on?” He was just being curious, and wasn’t sure what to expect, but the mood brightened a bit, apparently she’d been wanting a chance to talk about him.

“It started when Kennedy joined the band so not too long ago…” Maddie shrugged. “Long enough to build a relationship, though.”

“I don’t get why Kennedy gets so worked up over it…Garrett’s a good guy.” Landon noticed the way Maddie beamed at him after he said it.

“Yeah…he is.” She spoke shyly now, before glancing up at Landon. “You spend a lot of time with my brother…” Maddie was hinting about in the same fashion Landon just had.

“He’s just…I don’t know…he doesn’t treat me the same as the other guys do…” Landon recalled moments where Pat and John had freaked out over things that Kennedy hadn’t, and the way he could calm Landon down without having to shove pills down his throat to do so. Maddie nodded.

“You know the guys are going on tour this summer, right? I mean I’m sure they didn’t want to freak you out and it’s still early…” She continued on but Landon’s mind was already stuck on the first few words she’d spoken. “It’s just small shows, too, nothing too big, nothing cross country or anything.” She laughed quietly and Landon stared ahead at the darkness in front of them, that changed every so often when they’d rarely pass under a streetlamp.

“Oh…well that’s good…for them and the band and all.” He rubbed his bare arm, exhaling. “So you’re not one for parties?”

“Not one for people really, and more importantly not one to get scolded by Kennedy.”

“He didn’t seem too upset tonight though…”

“He was before I left.” She stated simply, and the conversation died for a few moments.

“It’s weird…” Landon murmured, feeling the younger girl’s attention on him once again. “Everyone always goes on and on about how Kennedy has moments, but I don’t think I’ve every really witnessed one…he’s never really gone off in front of me.”

“Guess he doesn't want you to show you he can be an ass sometimes. He likes you.” He likes you. It kept relaying in Landon’s head, and he chewed his lip, reminding himself of the way Kennedy had reacted before he left. One part of him couldn’t blame him for it though, he was confused as could be himself, and he wasn’t sure what he felt for the older boy, but at the same time, he wasn’t the one avoiding him and hanging on girls while drunk.

“Landon?”

“Hm?” Landon snapped out of his thoughts, glancing over at Maddie, who pointed ahead of her at the dimly lit house, barely recognizable, up the street, that belonged to the Kirch’s. “Hey, we made it, and didn’t get taken, or eaten by zombies or anything.”

Maddie laughed. “You sounded like Garrett with the zombie thing; he’s always going on about how he’s going to slay them all and how he’s prepared for the zombie apocalypse. Someone should really limit him on the video games.” She was blushing, as they passed under a street lamp again, and Landon couldn’t help but smile, knowing how big of a relief she had to be feeling to finally be able to talk to someone. “Hey, you smiled.” She pointed out, poking him.

“Hey, your face is the color of a tomato.” Landon mocked, trailing up Pat’s driveway. “Do you have a ride back or do you want me to-.”

“I’ll call Garrett.” Landon nodded.

“You…want to come in…and you can call him and hang out for a bit.” He threw her a shy smile. Pat’s parents were home, and he hadn’t anything close to a friend in years, so he wasn’t sure how to act, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. Maddie gave him a polite smile and followed him inside.

Pat’s father was half asleep in the big armchair, and Landon tried to figure out where his aunt was, until he heard a cluttered noise come from downstairs, and she appeared coming out of the basement, hands full of random objects and junk.

“Oh…hey Landon…Maddie.” She smiled warmly at them. “I didn’t think you’d be home already.” She glanced over at Landon’s uncle, and then back cautiously at Landon.

“What’re you doing…?” Landon trailed off, confused.

“Oh…well…there was a lot of junk down there.” Landon noticed the box containing the albums had been brought up, and curiosity ate at him, and he sunk his teeth into his bottom lip in defense of saying something he shouldn’t.

“What’s that?” Maddie pointed at a small game box covered in dust, distracting Landon from his thoughts.

Mrs. Kirch blew the dust off the top of it, handing it to Maddie. It read “Pretty Pretty Princess” across the front, and Landon stifled a laugh, glancing back up at his aunt.

“Watch yourself; you were the all time champ at that.” She pointed at Landon’s face, which flushed. “You always got the tiara.” She started to carry on about memories, and Landon just spaced out.

“We should play!” Maddie grinned mischievously at him. Landon shrugged, sitting down Indian style on the floor and patting the spot across from him, where Maddie sat and pulled out the pieces.

She went first, getting one earring, and the game progressed on from there, becoming more and more competitive each time around. Landon and Maddie were going back and forth with threats over who was going to win. They were both totally decked out in fake jewelry, from the necklaces, bracelets, rings and earrings, and it was the last round, the round where they’d figure out who’d get the crown.

It was tense in the living room, up until Landon finally got the crown, exclaiming and jumping about, proving himself to be a Kirch from the random burst of energy, dancing around in girls’ plastic fake jewelry. He smiled, a genuine one for the first time in a while, and the front door clicked open, exposing Garrett and Pat, who looked shocked for a second, before bursting into laughter themselves.

Landon immediately stopped, taking his seat back on the floor, but the laughter still continued, even as he began to take off the jewelry, leaving his tiara on still. His aunt went on in the background about how he used to wear the jewelry around the house even when they weren’t playing the game when he would come over when he was little, and he just shrugged.

“Hanging out was fun, Lan, we should do it again some time.” Maddie smiled sweetly at him, and he nodded, before she waved and followed Garrett back outside.

“So…where’d Kennedy go? Did he just drop you off or?” Pat pressed, relaxing into the couch, and Landon took the crown off his head finally, shoving everything in the box and shoving the box away from him, all of the lightheartedness leaving with the mention of the boy’s name.

“Yeah…he just dropped me off.” Landon mumbled, standing up and straightening himself out. He ran a hand through his hair, “I’m probably just going to go to bed…” He trailed off, his aunt and uncle had already left.

“O-kay.” Pat strained the word out twice as long, pushing himself up off the couch. “Nothing bad happened tonight…right?” Pat glanced at him curiously as he walked past, pausing.

“No, nothing bad.” Landon murmured, feeling his heart sink again at the thought of tonight. Pat nodded and went down the hall, and Landon waited until he heard Pat’s door click shut before finally taking in the relief of being alone. He stripped down into just his boxers and shirt, laying down on top of the couch and staring up at the ceiling. He likes you. What's that supposed to mean? And what does it even mean to me? He groaned in frustration and sighed, rolling over to get comfortable, or at least try anyway. But he doubted he'd get much sleep with everything that was on his mind.