The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

“Road trip!” Someone screeched, and Landon sat up, rubbing his eyes and glancing around confused. John, Jared, and Garrett were in the living room in shirts and board shorts, and Landon could hear Pat in the kitchen rambling on to his mother. Landon groaned, trying to focus his vision on the small cable box under the television, it was noon magically. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept in that late, but he just wanted to go back to bed.

“The fuck you going?” He mumbled drowsily, throwing his legs off the couch, and Pat walked in.

“The beach…well a beach, I should say, it’s a few hours away.”

“Oh, okay, have fun.” Landon mumbled again, attempting to curl back up on the couch, last night had taken an enormous toll on his energy, but he found the covers and his pillow being ripped from him, before he himself was picked up, destroying his plans of more sleep. He hung upside down over Jared’s shoulders, and scrambled against the older boy’s back, feeling the weight of his hair that hung beneath him, while he tried to turn to see who all was in the group. His head ached from the dizziness and quick movement, and even more when he noticed Kennedy behind them all, looking at the floor.

“You’re coming too.” John remarked.

“No, I’m not.” Landon glanced back over at Kennedy, who still wouldn’t look at him.

“Yes, you are, or Jared’s not putting you down, we’ll just shove you in the trunk or something.” John let out his classic quiet laugh.

“Fuck you.” Landon mumbled. “Fine, put me down, I’ll come.” He was in no mood to do so, but he’d rather go willingly. Jared set him down more gently than he’d expected, since most of the guys would just drop him, and Landon felt his head spin again, as he gripped onto the television set, before relaxing again once everything stopped. He swore and cursed under his breath, stumbling towards Pat’s room and unhappily digging through his bags, finding a clean set of clothes to wear. He wasn’t dressed for the beach in any way, in a cardigan, shirt, and jeans, but he wasn’t planning on doing anything. Landon couldn’t swim, and he wasn’t about to learn in some disease infested water.

He pulled his cardigan on while he walked back towards the front room, mussing his hair that continually fell in his face while he pulled on his shoes. “Happy?” He spat at the group of boys.

“Very. Hold this.” Garrett shoved a bag at him, that Landon noticed he’d been holding before, that had to contain some kind of food or supplies they deemed necessary.

“Alright, every body has everything?” Jared pressed politely.

“I think so.” John glanced around, looking like he was counting out things in his head. John gave two thumbs up, and the boys shuffled towards the door. Landon yelled out a small goodbye to his aunt, before trailing out the door behind Pat and into the van the boys usually used for touring. Jared piled in shotgun with John driving, since they were the two oldest. Getting closer to the van Landon noticed Maddie, who smiled widely and waved at him, until Garrett piled in next to her and she was occupied with talking to him. Kennedy climbed into the back and Landon didn’t realize at first he’d just been standing there, until Garrett took the bags from Pat and Landon, setting them in the empty spot Landon had been about to climb into, and Pat shoved him into the back seat.

Landon apprehensively sat down next to Kennedy, shuffling a few times and halfway standing up to hike his pants up higher before attempting to settle in his seat, Pat climbing in next to him. The boys up front had already managed to get their mini party going, blasting some tasteless techno and whipping around in their seats. Landon snuck a glance at Kennedy, who was avoiding looking at him still, and Landon shifted repeatedly in his seat, his knees knocking together a few times, and he pulled the loose fabric of his cardigan over his knuckle, chewing it anxiously. He didn’t want to come to begin with, and he definitely didn’t want to spend the next three and a half hours next to the very same boy who had just shaken him up the night before.

Landon shuffled again, bumping Kennedy’s leg this time, and his hair fell into his face like a curtain, hiding him from whatever expression was on the older boy’s face. He tried to move farther away from Kennedy, but instead felt a bony arm dig into his hip bone and stopped moving, glancing up at Pat, who mouthed ‘stop it’, and he settled in the spot he was in, not bothering to push back his hair or worry for the holes he was going to put in his sweater.

Another horrid song came on, disguised slightly by all the yelling and carrying on that was going on in the upper two rows, and Landon finally pushed his hair back shakily, leaning forward and over the seat in front of him, having to talk loudly to be heard. “Does anyone have an iPod?” Garrett, and Jared held up theirs, and Pat nudged Landon, who turned to see his cousin holding up one as well. He shrugged, sliding Garrett’s out of his hand, knowing the other two could easily get bored and want it back, where Garrett would have no use for his, Garrett had his entertainment sitting right next to him.

It took Landon a few solid minutes to figure how to work the iPod, but once he did, he immediately stuffed the ear plugs into his ears, feeling the relief at the silence until Third Eye Blind kicked into gear, and he shut his eyes, slouching down and leaning his head back against the seat.

--------

The van came to a sudden stop, and Landon jolted awake as his head hit the back of the seat in front of him, and he swore, rubbing it.

“Sorry!” Pat yelled, he’d apparently been forced to drive, and Landon knew it was a bad idea even to let him drive, so the fact that they let him was insane, Pat was too nervous in the front seat. Garrett, who was in the passenger seat, chuckled, and Landon smoothed his hair, glancing over at Kennedy who for once was looking at him, before he quickly turned his glance towards the window. Landon exhaled, shifting about to wake himself up, and Pat swung them into a parking spot.

“We’re here!” He shrieked, making himself heard over the radio and the ‘fuck yeahs’ that sounded out. The second the door was open, Landon climbed over John’s lap, who had taken Pat’s seat, and shoved past Jared and Sarah, making it out first, very much in need of fresh air, and a lack of closeness to Kennedy. The others followed him out, and grabbed the bags, along with the towels and things that had been chucked in the back.

Landon padded over past them, his shoes sinking into the sand, and he stared out at the water, chewing his lip and just letting his brain go onto autopilot for a few minutes, forgetting recent events, until shouts sounded out behind him, and the boys came full on running towards the water, the majority ripping their shirts off in the process, one of them smacking him in the face. Landon peeled it away, tossing it on one of the towels Maddie was setting up behind him, before she took off with them, Garrett splashing water at her.

Kennedy joined the group last, laughing to himself and cursing at the sand, and Landon couldn’t help the way the sides of his mouth started to turn up at the boy’s insanity. Kennedy glanced over at Landon, before pulling his own shirt over his head, and Landon felt his face, along with the rest of his body, start to burn. He stumbled over the sand in his shoes, uncoordinatedly falling onto the towels, and tugging his shoes off, shaking out the sand that had already spilled in.

“Come on, Lan, you’re really going to just sit there all day?” Maddie yelled out, and he shrugged, tugging at the frayed ends to his jeans.

“Yeah, I drive your ass all the way out here just for you to sit. I could have just left you at home.” John mocked. Landon didn’t want to come in the first place, and he was ready to point that out, but instead bit his tongue against acting out.

“What if we get you wet, then you kind of have to strip, don’t you?” Garrett splashed at Landon, who just scooted back farther away from the coastline.

“Easy.” Jared warned, flashing a small smile at Landon.

“Come on, Lan, it’s not that bad.” The familiar voice shocked him, and he glanced over to Kennedy, who for once held eye contact with him, pushing back his wet hair. “I won’t let you drown or anything, promise.” Kennedy’s eyes melted him, and his insides fell to mush while he struggled to come up with another excuse for why he couldn’t go in there.

“I-I-I don’t even have anything to swim in.” Landon stuttered and mumbled, cursing himself on the inside.

“So strip down and get in, you are wearing underwear, aren’t you?” John laughed. Landon’s face burned, but he nodded nonetheless. “Well what are you waiting for, then?” Garrett made a big show of covering up Maddie’s eyes, and Landon noted the disapproving look Kennedy’s face held, but he didn’t throw any kind of fit over it, he behaved around Landon, just as Maddie had told him.

Landon stood up, holding his breath, knowing he’d just get scrutinized for his horribly pathetic body, he was small, and bones jutted out at his hips and ribs and all over, no matter how much food he always tried to consume. He felt his face heat up, and he pulled off his cardigan, setting it down and tugging his shirt up and over his head, glancing over at the group that wasn’t even paying attention to him anymore, outside of Kennedy, who was addressed by Jared for something shortly after Landon noticed his gaze. He fumbled with his own belt, before shakily tugging his pants off. He made sure his pile of clothes were on the towel to avoid the sand that would probably get in regardless, and stepped off of it, stumbling and feeling the sand burn the bottoms of his feet and toes, his arms wrapped self consciously around his torso.

He stuck one foot close to the water’s edge, where the wave pushed forward and hit his feet, covering them, and he tried his hardest not to jump right out, letting himself get used to the water before he eased his way in. As soon as he even got close to the group, Pat, Garrett, and Maddie were at it again with a splashing fight, and Garrett didn’t realize Landon was there apparently, splashing all of the water right in his face. He knew it was an accident, and sputtered a few times, trying to breathe through the water that had filled his airways instead. Pat and Kennedy stared at Landon with wide eyes, and he just rubbed his face with his hands, shrugging it off.

John dunked Garrett under for it, and the toll remained equal there. Landon didn’t talk much, mostly observing the way the other’s messed around, joining in on so many of the water fights, and stealing glances at Kennedy whenever possible, noticing the boy glance back at him in the same way more than once. Someone had dived under, and grabbed his foot, shocking him at first, and Landon wriggled free, cursing and trying to calm the panic inside of him.

Pat swam up to the surface again, grinning, and Landon splashed him in the face. The boys started discussing food, and Landon decided to test his fears, plugging his nose and darting under water. He came back up, quickly trying to get his hair and the water off of his face and out of his eyes, since it was all suffocating, and felt hands against his bare middle, a small shock of electricity shot through him, and he gasped quietly, opening his eyes again to Kennedy who was towering over him, doing what he did best. One glance around led him to realize the others had piled out, and were drying themselves off.

Kennedy pressed his head against the side of Landon’s, murmuring in a low voice. “Come to the lighthouse with me?” Landon turned, but the older boy’s hands didn’t drop from his sides. The lighthouse was a ways away, and it would probably be dark by the time they got there, since Landon had no clue what time it was at the current moment, and also had no clue how to get there, it was in the middle of nowhere, far out from the part of the beach the group was at.

“How?” Landon mumbled quietly, unsure if he was even heard.

“You’ll see…come on.” Kennedy slid his hands off of Landon now, but instead gripped Landon’s right hand, tugging him out of the water and rather hurriedly towards the group. Kennedy rambled on reasons and that he just wanted to investigate, all while Landon dried himself off the best he could, wringing the towel through his hair multiple times, the wet locks heavy against his shoulders. He pulled back on his shirt as it stuck to him, and glanced down at his jeans, unsure how he was going to get them on with his boxers soaking wet. He gave up trying to figure it out when Kennedy shot him an impatient look, and wrung out his boxers the best he could, pulling his pants on and wiping the sand off his feet, pulling his shoes back on.

Landon was right in knowing the lighthouse was far, far from where they were. They’d been walking for what seemed like ages, most of it in silence aside from the small complaints coming from Kennedy or himself over what time it was or that the ground was too hot for Kennedy’s feet, or that they would get jumped before they made it there, since it looked close to sunset, and Kennedy’s constant mocking of Landon for the fact that he had come to the beach fully clothed. Kennedy hadn’t made any kind of contact since the time in the water, and Landon chewed his lip anxiously, unsure of what was ahead of him, since Kennedy was acting like the night before had never happened.

They’d finally crossed a good amount of the beach, and Landon couldn’t even see back to where the guys were, when he noticed the beach ended. It literally ended. In order to continue to the lighthouse, there were sets of oversized rocks. They looked unstable to begin with, and weren’t even straight up and down, they were all turned in and out at odd angles and you would have to somehow walk across them to get there. Kennedy was already on his way climbing one, it jutted up the height of two of him, or maybe one and a half, but since it was the beginning of the lead through, it was sunken in a great deal, making it easier to get on top of.

“You’re kidding me, right?” Landon laughed weakly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“No…this is the only way.” Kennedy stared at him blankly from the top of the rock. Landon let out a groan, pulling himself up on top of one, not realizing the shock waiting for him. His heart stopped, and he inhaled sharply. Water crashed on both sides of him, and just as suspected, it was starting to get dark out now. The rocks were slippery as it was, and each angled towards the water on that side. He froze, stuttering repeatedly, and Kennedy stopped, two rocks ahead, before stepping back over one.

“I-I-I-I c-can’t Kenny.” Landon swallowed hard.

“You’re not going to get hurt. I’m right here.”

“I. Can’t.” He emphasized.

“Landon.” Kennedy sighed, and ran a hand through his own semi-wet hair. “I swear, you’re not going to get hurt, you’re not going to die, you’ll be fine.” Landon glanced up at the long trail of them that led to the lighthouse, that you couldn’t probably even go to, it was an old military one, and stories told it was haunted, so it was usually bordered off outside of tours. “Do you trust me?” Kennedy held out a hand to Landon, who sunk his teeth into his bottom lip. “Well?” Landon glanced down at his feet, that were firmly cemented in place, or so he thought.

He somehow found himself reaching a hand out, he didn’t know why he did it, he was just going to die, so he might as well take the risk. Kennedy grasped Landon’s shaky hand in his in a firm grip. “I swear to god Kennedy.” Landon let out a string of curse words as Kennedy tugged him forward gently to another rock, that he had to jump a little to get to.

“Just don’t look at the water.” Kennedy had been repeating mantras to keep Landon calm, letting out the constant ‘I’ve got you’ when Kennedy in fact didn’t have him, Landon was behind him and half the time Kennedy barely had a grip on his hand, and Landon could easily slip off and die, or at least that’s all he could think of.

Landon tried hard to keep up, slipping a few times and having to sit and slide off of a few rocks, the whole time doing what Kennedy instructed him to, to not look at the water and not let go of his hand, even though his own was sweating so bad it was hard to keep hold.

It took what seemed like hours to make it over all the rocks, Landon swearing the whole time and Kennedy just laughing and talking him through it. There was a large stable one at the end that Landon finally landed on, dropping Kennedy’s hand as soon as he did. Ironically, the lighthouse was off bounds, the only thing leading up to it was a ladder, that was halfway in the water. Landon glanced skeptically at Kennedy, who was looking around for something, and then reached over, taking Landon’s hand and dragging him on a whole other balancing adventure over five more rocks, that led around the lighthouse to a platform of some kind.

“Well…it’s better than nothing…and at least you can say you did it and lived.” Kennedy was rambling on, and Landon sat down, staring at the water that was crashing against the sides still.

“There’s still all the way back.” Landon couldn’t even see the way back, it was getting dark, and he couldn’t help how uncomfortable that made him feel. Kennedy sat down next to him, staring around in the same fashion, and Landon tried to calm his breathing, hugging his knees. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around the boy next to him, but he wasn’t sure what they were. Kennedy hadn’t even gone through with the kiss, and then had pretended it didn’t happen to the extent that Landon was starting to feel like he’d just made it up in his head. His foot slid against the ground, since just about everywhere was slippery, and he quickly dug his heels in, before calming down again.

“So…” Kennedy’s voice was loud, when it’d been silent for a good ten minutes or so, and Landon jumped, before realizing he shouldn’t move so much for where he was sitting, and scrambled not to fall off. Kennedy hooked an arm low around him, and pulled him next to him.

“So…what?” Landon mumbled, resting his head against the older boy’s shoulder, not bothering to look up. Kennedy didn’t answer, instead wrapping his other arm around Landon as well, pulling him closer, and Landon clung to Kennedy’s shirt, burying his face in, inhaling the smell of the lake and Kennedy’s skin. He felt pressure against the top of his head, and relaxed more into the older boy. Landon could feel Kennedy’s lips against his hair, and he let out a small sigh, before stopping himself, tensing up a little. “Kenny.”

“Mmm?” The pressure on top of his head removed itself, and Kennedy tried to get Landon to look at him, but he wouldn’t.

“Why…why are you dong this?” Landon sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, finally looking up at the older boy.

“I honestly don’t know.” Kennedy was biting his own lip. “I guess it just…” He wrinkled up his face a little in thought. “It feels right, doesn’t it?” He pressed his forehead against Landon’s, who blinked a few times, staring right back at Kennedy. Landon opened his mouth twice, but couldn’t formulate words from how close the older boy was to him. Kennedy’s eyes flickered down, before resuming eye contact with Landon’s again, and he felt the boy’s breath on his face, wondering if this was take two. He held his breath momentarily, only to have a loud blaring noise interrupt, and he jumped again, this time not almost falling off since Kennedy had such a tight hold on him.

Kennedy’s hand slid down, pulling Landon’s phone out of his back pocket, and Landon blushed, embarrassed at the way he freaked out over his own phone, and Kennedy laughed, a small smile on his face. Landon grabbed the phone out of the boy’s hand, answering it.

“Where the fuck are you two? It’s dark, we have to go!” John scolded on the other line.

“Kennedy told you all we were going to the light house!”

“Yeah, like two hours ago!”

“Okay, okay, give us like…” Landon trailed, glancing at Kennedy, trying to estimate the time. “Fifteen minutes?” Kennedy gave him a disapproving look, but Landon didn’t give them any more time, hanging up. As soon as his phone was back in his pocket, Kennedy tugged him up off the ground and back towards the main beach.