The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Landon had been casually sprawled out on the Kirch’s couch all afternoon, withered out copy of Pet Semetary in his hands, and prescription Ray Bans repeatedly sliding off the bridge of his nose, threatening to fall off since he was lying on his stomach. Pat had been off with Lauren a good extent of the day, and Landon’s aunt and uncle could be less than bothered with him, it was like he was too small to capture any attention, he slid through cracks and everyone let him be until he spoke up.

He’d been hoping to hear from Kennedy, but hadn’t as of yet, and for that reason couldn’t be bothered with his appearance. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d washed his hair, and he’d attempted to hide it with his beanie for that exact reason. It was a laundry day, but Landon hadn’t gotten up the energy to put any laundry in yet, and the basketball shorts he’d borrowed were two sizes too big, sliding down constantly and exposing his boxer-briefs repeatedly, earning cat calls from his aunt. Today was just one of those days that you weren’t allowed to care, and he was perfectly fine with that.

The front door opened and shut, but Landon ignored it, knowing the boys had practice, he assumed it was John or one of the others, until the person started speaking. The familiar voice caught Landon off guard. Of course he knew he was coming, but he hadn’t put two thoughts to it until now, when he whipped his head, glancing over at Kennedy who was kicking off his vans. It didn’t take long for Landon to notice the smirk on Kennedy’s face, and realize what a disheveled mess he was, and he started trying to come up with reasons why he had to leave, or some way to hide, but it was too late, he’d already been seen.

“Hey Lisa, Mr. Kirch.” He addressed Landon’s aunt and uncle first, who beamed at him. “Nice glasses, Lan.” Kennedy was snickering, and Landon rolled his eyes. That alone was the reason he never wore them outside of when he was alone or reading. “You coming to practice today?” Kennedy perched himself on the edge of the seat cushion that Landon’s legs had been stretched out over.

“Oh, having to walk all the way down there.” Landon paused to point down the hallway. “Nope, don’t think I can make it.” He tried to turn his attention back to the novel in his hands, but found it nearly impossible the second he looked up at Kennedy, who grinned. Landon found himself letting out a small laugh, for no reason at all. He hadn’t seen Kennedy since he brought him back to the beach, and they’d remained silent the entire ride home, Kennedy falling asleep on him, not that Landon minded in any way, and the same could be said for trying to read, he already knew the story by heart anyways, why waste his time reading when he had the older boy’s current attention.

Or at least he thought he did, until Pat left his room, Lauren in tow, and Landon groaned on the inside.

“Kennedy, you’re early.” Pat didn’t question it, just pointed it out bluntly. Kennedy shrugged, and Landon shut his book, sliding his legs out from behind Kennedy and sitting up, pulling off his glasses in the process.

“Leave ‘em on.” Kennedy was staring at Landon, who just stared back wide eyed, and then Kennedy directed his eyes away. “They really don’t look that bad…I was just picking on you.” Landon nodded, sliding them back on, and Pat threw him a strange look that he wasn’t sure how to comprehend.

“Alright…well…I’m going to go set up…” Pat trailed off and grabbed at Lauren’s hand, who grinned and disappeared down the hall with him. There was something off about her to Landon, but he’d never admit it out loud. He shook himself back to reality, noting his aunt and uncle curled up together on the oversized chair, and felt a gentle nudge in his side. He glanced over to Kennedy, who pointed down the hall, and Landon nodded, getting up and following Kennedy down the hall, who made it impossible, making Landon walk next to him and frequently brushing his hand against Landon’s, or nudging him so he’d almost run into a wall or doorway, and Landon couldn’t wipe the goofy smile off his face as hard as he tried.

Pat had made a point to summon the rest of the band as quickly as he could, everyone shocked and amazed that Kennedy was early since being late had always been his specialty. Kennedy had winked at Landon the last time it’d been brought up, and then laughed when Landon’s face burned up. Landon couldn’t seem to help himself, the smallest gestures and comments from the older boy were driving him crazy, and he could only imagine what was coming when they’d finally end up having alone time. Kissing him while sober would be nice…well kissing him at all would be.

The guys began playing, and snapped Landon back into reality. He had been sitting on the floor, Lauren on one side of him, Maddie on the other. He’d ended up closer to Maddie, but balled up small enough there was space between him and both girls. He tapped his fingers against his knee with the beat of the song, the room seemed comfortable to him for once. This was only the second time he’d come to practice, and if it wasn’t for Kennedy he probably would have avoided it yet again, but at the same time he was glad he didn’t.

He locked eyes with Kennedy frequently through practice, the last time not stopping until he realized someone was speaking to him, and Maddie nudged him as the guys stopped playing.

“Sorry to interrupt practice.” Pat’s mother held up her hands in defense, before holding out the phone. “Landon.” His aunt gave him a serious look, and he held onto his shorts with one hand, awkwardly getting up and taking the phone, feeling like he’d just been smacked across the face. He knew who it was, it was no surprise. His mother had been calling his cell phone, as had his therapist, to the extent he was just always silencing and ignoring the calls. He felt it was unnecessary to have to come back down to earth and back face to face with his issues, the whole reason he was here was to try to get away from them. Besides, he knew the reason she was calling.

Landon trailed his way to the back yard, gently sliding the glass door shut behind him, and maneuvering over to the patio swing on the deck, curling up on it before placing the phone against his ear. He took in a deep breath.

“Hey mom.”

“Why haven’t you been answering any of my calls?” She was already pissed off, and he’d only said two words to her.

“I’ve been busy.” He mumbled, toying with the hem of his shirt.

“Busy doing what?”

“Just…busy.”

“You remember your half of the agreement, Landon. How the hell am I supposed to know if you’re okay if you don’t call?”

“You’re just supposed to assume I’m old enough to take care of myself.” He heard the mocking laugh come from the other end, and wasn’t sure if he could deal with any of this right now. He was supposed to be having fun; he was supposed to be inside with the guys, the guys and Kennedy.

“Dr. Matthews said you haven’t been picking up any of her calls either.” Landon shrugged, even though his mother couldn’t see that through the phone.

“I have no reason to.” He was finding himself speaking quieter and quieter, he didn’t like the way this conversation was turning out.

“Have you been taking your medicine?”

“No…I mean yeah…like twice…”

“You’re supposed to take it every day.”

“I don’t need it every day!” No one ever listened to him, or paid attention to how the medicine made him an even bigger mess, and Landon pressed his fingertips against his temple, getting more and more annoyed.

“Well, obviously if they tell you you need it, there’s a reason, Landon.” He rolled his eyes. He wasn’t used to acting like this with his mom, and he wasn’t sure why he was so confident. Maybe it was the distance between them, but usually he just went about doing whatever she told him to. “If I have to, I’ll come for a visit.”

“No, Mom!”

“Then you need to behave and do what you’re told.” He was the five year old again that wouldn’t listen.

“Whatever, I have to go.” He hung up as quickly as possible, already hearing her whiny voice yelling on the other end. He pulled off his glasses, rubbing his face and hooking them on the unbuttoned collar of his Henley, just staying there for a few minutes.

He remembered that practice was going on, and took a deep breath, getting up, phone in hand, and started back inside. The last thing he needed was his mother here. She was intimidating, but almost never looked directly at Landon, and he was never really sure why. He’d remembered making her cry before when she had taken the time to look at him, and ever since he was just a shadow in the background to her. He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, opening the door to go back inside, and Kennedy was leaning against the kitchen table, a concerned look on his face.

Landon sat down the phone and his glasses on the counter, and Kennedy held his arms open, not saying anything. Landon placed himself in between them, hooking his hands behind Kennedy’s back. He felt the older boy’s arms tighten around him, and he pressed his face into Kennedy’s chest.

“You want to come to mine after?” Kennedy mumbled, and Landon glanced up at him momentarily, catching the boy’s caramel eyes staring down at him. “My mom’s out so…” Kennedy seemed embarrassed that he was suggesting it, but Landon nodded slightly, returning to his previous position with his face buried in the thin fabric of Kennedy’s shirt. Kennedy kissed the side of his face, and then the top of his head. “Everything alright back home?” Landon knew Kennedy knew something was up, but he wasn’t sure how to tell him anything without having to tell him everything, so he just let the question pass on with no answer.

Kennedy released him a moment later, and up until then Landon had entirely forgotten where he was. This was his aunt’s house, which was filled with family and all of his and Kennedy’s friends, people who weren’t supposed to know about this…at least not yet. He hadn’t had time to talk to Kennedy about it. Landon’s face heated up, and Kennedy scratched the back of his neck, letting out an awkward laugh.

“We should-.” Landon started.

“Get back, yeah.” Kennedy threw him a smile, before starting off towards the hallway again.

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The rest of practice ran smoothly, and afterwards Landon couldn’t help but feel anxious. He hadn’t been to anyone’s house outside of John and Pat, and hadn’t been to Kennedy’s since before they moved, years ago.

“You’re coming with us.” Kennedy gestured at Maddie, who was sitting on Garrett’s lap on the couch. The rest of the guys had plans to veg out and play video games for the rest of the day, shocked that Kennedy didn’t want to join them in their fight against the zombie apocalypse. Landon dodged out of the sibling’s heated discussion, getting up of the chair that Kennedy had been perched on the arm of. He tugged his shorts up to the best of his ability, sliding on his shoes, and leaned against the wall.

“Garrett and I had plans for later.”

“Just, come on, Maddie, mom is at work.” Kennedy wasn’t going to fight with her because Landon was there, he already knew that. Maddie just rolled her eyes, showing no sign of getting up off Garrett any time soon. “I’m not going to be the one taking the blame when you come home pregnant.” Kennedy had already taken it too far, and everyone knew it. Garrett looked like he was about to rage, and Landon couldn’t even comprehend the look on Maddie’s face.

“I can’t believe you just fucking said that.” She shook her head, getting up off of Garrett, and shoving Kennedy back a few feet. The guys all went to get up, to prevent her from beating him, but she was already out the front door, slamming it behind her.

“Dick move.” John warned.

“Why do you always have to start shit, Kennedy? Seriously, that immature?” Garrett was ranting. “You should know better by now, for fuck’s sake I’ve been your friend for how long. Has it ever even crossed your mind that maybe I actually care about your sister?” Landon slipped out the front door; he could never really deal with yelling, and went to check on Maddie, who was in the backseat of Kennedy’s car. The door was open to let out the intense heat inside.

“Allergies.” She argued, wiping her eyes, and Landon sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, not sure what to say that could really make her feel any better.

“I…I don’t think he purposely tries to be such a dick.” Landon let out a weak laugh, which quickly died. “He’s just worried, you know? I mean I would be too.” He shrugged.

“Why though? Garrett’s never done anything to make him think he needs to.”

“He’s your brother, he’s supposed to care and protect you.” Landon felt a sharp pain in his chest, and he wasn’t sure why.

“It’s so stupid though, none of this started until I started hanging out with the guys. I don’t have any other friends really, and I tag along and suddenly he’s a douche bag.” She sniffed, and the front door of the Kirch’s opened, as Kennedy emerged, and the conversation died there.

Kennedy walked towards the car, got in, and started it without even speaking, and Landon shut Maddie’s door gingerly, sliding into the passenger seat. The air was on full blast, but for once Kennedy didn’t turn the radio on.

“I’m sorry, Maddie.” Kennedy spoke, once he’d turned onto the road, and Landon drummed his fingers against his thigh to some beat in his head, not even sure what song it was. Being caught in the middle of all the sibling rivalry and tension was not how he’d planned on spending his day.

“Sorry isn’t enough.” She mumbled from the backseat.

“I just…you’re my sister…you’re supposed to have the best.”

“And Garrett’s not the best?”

“That’s not what I’m saying; I just know how easy it is to make mistakes.”

“Yeah, that you do.” The car fell silent afterwards, and Landon just wanted to the ride to be over already. He got his wish, moments later they were pulling up in the gravel filled driveway, and Maddie was out the car, slamming the door shut, before Kennedy had even cut the engine.

“She’ll calm down.” Landon murmured, catching Kennedy’s eye.

“I know she will.” Kennedy bit his lip, and shoved his door open. Landon followed him inside, since Maddie had unlocked the door in her rush to get inside. Stepping into the front room, she was gone, most likely locked away in her room being upset out of sight.

Landon took off his shoes, sitting down on the couch while Kennedy raced around the house before returning, and sat down next to him, hooking an arm around the back of the couch behind Landon.

“So, what do you want to do?” Kennedy had a smirk playing on his lips, and Landon tucked his hair behind his ear, glancing at Kennedy and then away anxiously.

“I don’t know, what is there to do?” Landon fidgeted a bit.

“Well.” Kennedy paused. “We could play video games, since you made me miss out and all.”

“It was your own choice, you suggested I came over.” Kennedy rolled his eyes, getting up off the couch and setting up the Xbox. He handed Landon a controller, even though he wasn’t the best at playing video games, and disappeared again throughout the house. Landon tapped his fingers against the controller, glancing around in curiosity. He didn’t take in much before the older boy had reappeared, a package of twizzlers in his hand, and he sat down on the floor. Landon got up off the couch, sitting down next to him on the carpet, and his knee bumped Kennedy’s repeatedly.

Kennedy grumbled to himself, and Landon couldn’t comprehend any of it, while he tore at the package of candy until it finally opened. Landon took one, making sure not to bump hands with Kennedy, and stuck one end of it in his mouth, content for the moment being, picking up the controller again.

Five rounds in, and Landon had been causing them to lose each time. Kennedy grew frustrated, swearing a few times under his breath before starting up another round, and Landon eyed the candy package on the floor. There was one left, and Kennedy had eaten a majority of the pack, so that meant it was okay for him to have the last one, right?

In the midst of attacking zombies he slyly grabbed the last twizzler, shoving one end in his mouth and returning his focus to the screen, hoping Kennedy hadn’t noticed he’d taken it. It didn’t take long for him to.

“Hey, where’d the-.” Landon had turned to face him, and Kennedy had definitely figured it out now, and Landon’s defenses were failing against Kennedy’s pout.

“Looking for this?” Landon teased, half of it was still hanging out of his mouth, and he leaned closer to Kennedy. “Want it?”

“Actually, yeah, I do.” Kennedy pouted more, and Landon scooted closer, holding his breath. He waited for Kennedy to break it off, which he did, but the older boy didn’t move away at all, instead taking hold of the loose fabric of Landon’s shirt, pressing their lips together. It took Landon a moment to realize what was happening, and when he did, gripped the older boy’s sides, wanting Kennedy much closer than he was at the moment.

“Kennedy, you fucker! You took my tw-” Maddie stopped short of yelling, and Landon broke away breathless from the boy, glancing up at Maddie, who stared at them both wide eyed.