The Way I Am, I Can't Express Or Understand.

Landon ran a shaky hand through his hair, staring at the ground, too embarrassed to even look at Kennedy.

“Someone want to tell me what I just walked in on?” Maddie was still in shock, still standing in the same spot since she’d walked in.

“Well we were uh…” Kennedy started.

“Playing games.” Landon corrected him.

“Y-yeah and we were eating your twizzlers, see.”

“And I took the last one.”

“And I really wanted it.” Maddie was glaring at the both of them, but Landon reasoned that he’d rather get in trouble for eating her candy than for kissing her brother.

“And so you had to suck his face off to get it?”

“I-I…” Kennedy let out an awkward laugh, running a hand through his hair, his face was beet red. “I-I wasn’t sucking his face off.”

Her eyes narrowed even more at them, and Landon swallowed the lump in his throat, unsure of what she was going to do. “I’m onto you.”

Kennedy leaned close to Landon. “We should go in my room.” Landon licked his chapped lips, grabbing the older boy’s hand that was offered to him, and Kennedy pulled him up off the floor.

Landon took a seat on Kennedy’s bed, and Kennedy threw himself on it, lying down and motioning at the spot next to him. Landon was about to move towards him, when Maddie came through the door, grinning and throwing herself down in the spot Landon was about to occupy, grabbing the remote off the table next to the bed and flicking through the channels on Kennedy’s television.

It became clear she was looking for a certain channel, and Maddie found it, flipping on some kind of soft-core gay porn, he later learned the title of it, Queer as Folk, when Maddie scrolled through the information of that episode, before setting the remote back down.

Two guys were messing around with ice cream, skin was exposed, and they were most likely naked. Landon turned his head, eyeing Maddie who had a big grin on her face, and the way Kennedy seemed transfixed on what was happening on the screen.

He shook his head, turning his attention back to the screen, where boys had begun macking, and his face flushed as he dropped his gaze to the ground. Landon felt pressure on his lower back, and turned around, noting Kennedy’s foot, that had been shoving and nudging him. Kennedy smirked at the acknowledgement, and Landon turned his attention away again, this time to check his phone.

“I should…uhm…I should probably get going.” He mumbled, running a hand through his hair, it fell in his face regardless; it was always falling in his face.

“Kay, I’ll take you.” Kennedy was up off the bed in seconds.

“No, No, its fine, I can walk.”

“It takes a good ten minutes just to drive, Lan, I’ll take you, it’s no big deal.” Landon gave in, it wasn’t worth the fight, and Maddie bounded off the bed after them.

“You’re not coming.” Kennedy scolded.

“Yes, yes I am.”

“No, no you’re not.”

“I am or I’m telling mom.” She smirked, and Landon sighed, she was going to have both of them wrapped around her finger from here on out.

Kennedy groaned and unhooked his keys from his belt loop, pulling on his shoes. “Fine.” He grumbled, and was out the door, starting the car before Landon had his shoes even on all the way. Once he did, he darted out, and then into the passenger seat of Kennedy’s car. Maddie was on her way behind him, but she took longer, and it was awkwardly silent in the car until she opened the back door, and Landon stared out the window the entire ride, not sure what to say to Kennedy, and not sure what he could really say in front of Maddie.

Kennedy pulled into the Kirch’s driveway, and Landon waited for Maddie to get out, but she remained seated in the backseat, apparently waiting for him to get out first when he clearly needed to speak to Kennedy, and he was pretty sure she knew it. For someone who was going to try to help out the situation that she had with her brother and Garrett, she sure had a funny way of thanking him for trying, well he wasn’t trying yet, it was on his agenda. Besides which, in order to try he’d have to really be close with Kennedy, and he figured there wasn’t any way to talk to him or distract him about it just yet.

Landon sighed finally, shoving open the door, noting the confused look on Kennedy’s face, and stepped out. Just like he’d suspected, Maddie opened her door as well with a grin plastered on her face. Landon held up a finger to Kennedy, and stumbled up the driveway, hearing her footsteps behind him. He would go in for a few seconds, just long enough for Garrett and her to get situated, and then come back outside. He heard the engine cut off as he opened the front door, confident now that Kennedy was going to wait for him.

“You’re lucky you were gone.” Landon’s aunt was chuckling, the front room was filled with Garrett, Jared, and John who were all staring at the screen looking like zombies with the way they stayed still and their eyes bugged out. At least they were quiet, or so he thought, until someone died and the shouting and profanity ensued. Pat was on his laptop on the couch, doing something, whatever it was Landon wasn’t overly curious at the moment, he just needed to remember that Pat was the whole reason he even got to come, and even if Pat was busy half the time, there had to be a way to make all of this balance out.

Maddie shoved past Landon, walking over to where the boys sat and covering Garrett’s eyes, bad idea since he was in the middle of the game, but he didn’t seem too upset when his character in the game died, judging from the wide smile on his face. Once Landon was sure everyone was content with what they were doing, he took a deep breath, slipping back out the front door.

Kennedy was standing outside the side of his car, and entertained look on his face. “Going somewhere Kirch?” Landon padded over to where Kennedy was, biting his lower lip, he wasn’t exactly sure what to say, or do, or even what they were anymore, if they were “just friends”. The older boy’s hands took hold on his hips before he could even formulate a response. “What’s wrong?” Landon shook his head, and Kennedy leaned down so their foreheads were touching, not letting Landon keep his eyes on the ground, since he was practically forcing eye contact. “Hm?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Kenny.” His voice came out a lot quieter than he planned, but he was always quiet, he didn’t know how Kennedy ever managed conversation without yelling at him to speak up or asking what he said constantly, since that’s what everyone else always did.

“Then why’re you acting like that?”

“Acting like what?”

“I don’t know, not acting the way I hoped you would after what happened.” Kennedy broke eye contact momentarily to take a step back and lean against his car, tugging Landon closer into him.

“Just worried about stuff, I don’t know.” Landon ran a hand through his hair before dropping it, glaring at the ground, this was why he didn’t get in relationships, it was too much risk and hurt, and he wasn’t exactly the type of person to take those things with ease.

“What stuff?” Kennedy hands left Landon’s hips, his arms snaking around his back instead.

Landon shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, its fine, really.”

“It does too matter.” Landon was close enough now he could easily smell the cologne on Kennedy, and he gave up on conversation, burying his face in Kennedy’s chest instead, feeling the older boy’s hands rubbing small circles on his back. “I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t feel something for you, Lan, I’m not going to go around risking everything for nothing.”

“I know.” He mumbled.

“Then be glad I finally went through with it.” Kennedy laughed weakly, and Landon lifted his head again, smiling a little.

“I am glad.”

“Good.” Kennedy glanced over at the Kirch’s front door, even though Landon was sure no one was watching them, there was no reason to, they all saw Kennedy as Landon’s new personal babysitter, and Landon was sure they were glad it was that way, Landon was too big of a hassle for most of them to have to deal with on top of everything else already. Kennedy pressed his lips briefly against Landon’s forehead, before detaching his keys from his belt loop. “I have to get going, but I’ll call you if I don’t see you or something, since I see you every day, okay?” Landon nodded, staring at the ground slightly embarrassed, while Kennedy detached from him, climbing in the car. Landon pushed his hair out of his face, waving at the older boy who drove off, and took a few breaths to try to calm himself before he headed back inside.

-------

Landon wasn’t sure where he was, it was dark, like it always was, that’s how his dreams usually were, just dark, unless he was on meds, then he didn’t even remember his head hitting the pillow. He wasn’t tonight though, because of his current predicament. As comforting as the darkness and silence was, it didn’t last long.

It was bright, bright like the football stadium lights that he used to see at the games when he was younger, when things were so much simpler, the times he couldn’t remember now, and he still didn’t know why. He was in a room, more than vaguely familiar. It was his room; he could just feel it, back in Arizona, back when he was normal. He took a step forward, before noticing the figure in front of him on his old bed and he froze entirely in his spot, feet feeling cemented to the ground. The person glanced up at him, but seemed to be looking right through him as it pushed it’s dark brown hair out of it’s face, it was Landon himself, years younger but still looking practically the same, overly petite with hair that was longer than he even had it now.

The younger him had been reading something, what exactly Landon couldn’t see from his spot that he remained at, unsure of anything at this point, but he could see a novel under the younger him, and the way he glanced down underneath him for periods of time led him to that assumption. He didn’t get the point of any of this, it was just a younger him reading, to what big mystery that had to deal with, Landon had no clue. His brain wasn’t connecting right with the rest of him, it was just focusing on what was in front of him at that very moment, if it had, it would have noticed the way the hairs on his arms were standing up, the way his heart was racing, the way his whole body was reacting to something he hadn’t quite predicted yet.

As if on cue, the door to Landon’s old room flew open. A boy stood in the doorway, raging in a way that Landon wanted to run, he didn’t want to be here anymore, and he had no idea why. The boy was taller than Landon, not by much, but by enough that anyone would be able to notice, and if Landon was placed next to him he’d probably look twice as small as he actually was. The boy was more mature looking, much more cleaner than the mess on the bed that Landon couldn’t help but feel for, the younger him that was just staring at the door wide eyed.

“You fucking told mom?” The mystery boy screeched in a way that tore at Landon’s chest.

“I-I was worried.” The younger Landon mumbled, glancing back down at the novel in his hands, before the mystery boy strode over, ripping it out of his clutches and chucking it aside. The younger Landon sat up obediently, suddenly giving all of his attention to the boy that was still fuming.

“You realize what could happen if it got out? I could lose my fucking ride, everything I have been working so fucking hard for, gone, all of it, all because you can’t keep your stupid faggot mouth shut!” The boy looked a wreck for how clean cut he looked at the same time, and the younger Landon’s eyes were overfilling with fear while the boy shrieked at him. Landon himself was scared, not even sure if he was breathing anymore, so fixed on the boy and what he would do next. “I don’t need you meddling in my life, okay? I don’t need you in my fucking life at all! You don’t even understand what it’s like, to have everyone putting so much pressure on you, because no one expects anything from you.” Landon himself was having a hard time watching this any further, but he was transfixed at the same time, he couldn’t move, and he wasn’t sure how to get away. The younger Landon was retreating where he sat, pulling his knees up to his chest. The mystery boy let out a sick laugh that shook Landon slightly. “You know why they don’t expect anything from you? Because you have nothing for them to expect. That’s what you are, nothing. You’re the extra, you’re just here in case something happens to me, and if you’d stay out of my life, we wouldn’t have to worry about that.”

“Shut the fuck up! Shut up!” Landon was yelling now, screaming loud enough that he was surprised the noises were even coming from him. The younger Landon didn’t move one bit and neither did the boy torturing him, and yet Landon couldn’t do a thing to make him stop, couldn’t do a thing to get away, to escape, not only for himself, but for the sake of the younger him, for the sake of his mentality. He heard a small sniffle that seemed to echo loudly through the room, the younger him was crying now, and the mystery boy shook his head.

“Fuckin’ pathetic.” He kicked the part of the bed’s base where the younger Landon’s feet had been resting, just barely missing them, and turned back away from the boy crying on the bed.