Dear God

The cold glass felt good against her flushed skin, the scenery passing by. Her eyes were a dull brown with sadness, tear tracks still on her cheeks. Zeke, her husky, had his head hanging out the back window. His tongue hung out and flopped in the breeze. Her mother was in the driver’s seat, her mouth set in a firm line and her knuckles white on the steering wheel. Every now and then her eyes would dart to her daughter, her eyes filling with worry. That was before they traveled to her very prominent belly, and the worry would be replaced with repulsion. This only caused her knuckles to white as her grip tightened, it was like she was trying to choke the steering wheel.

Clary couldn’t look at her mother, feeling her hate fill the car. So, she just continued to look out the window. One hand lay on her stomach and gently rubbed it, the only reminder she had of him. The person her mother hated and whom her mother was taking her away from. Clary, better known as Clarissa (to her mother), had put up a fight but didn’t want to risk putting stress on the baby. She wasn’t going to lose it, because it was the only piece of him she had. The thoughts only caused her throat to swell and choke with tears, but she wouldn’t let them fall. That would only give her mom the pleasure of seeing her daughter hurt.

“Clary,” her mother’s voice broke through her thoughts.

She didn’t answer and continued to look out the window, the scenery not passing as fast as it was before. The car was slowly coming to a stop at a red light.

Her mother let out a sigh before speaking again, “This is for your own good. He just wasn’t right for you.”

Again, Clary didn’t speak and didn’t plan on speaking. This was the same thing her mother kept telling her, over and over again. She had learned to tune her out and not argue, because her mother was stubborn and hard headed; Clary got that from her.

The light turned green and her mother slowly let her foot off the brake and tenderly pressed the gas. The car passed the intersection and continued on its journey. To where, Clary didn’t know and didn’t ask. The only thing she focused on was his voice and the way he would soothe her, when she and her mother had fights. He was the one that would give her a place to stay, when needed, and he was her first love. Her true love and her mother ruined it for her.

The sun began to sink behind the horizon, leaving the sky a nice pink and orange. We used to watch sunsets together, Clary thought to herself. The first time they had met was on the beach at sunset, she was walking Zeke and he was walking his dog. From there it went on, from friendship to love.

“We’re here,” her mother spoke in a whisper, as they pulled up to a small house.

Clary lifted her head from the window and looked to the small, brick house. There was a white picket fence that framed the property, which wasn’t much, and there was a small tree in the corner. There were three windows, one on the right side of the two and two on the left. Curtains hung in the windows, blowing in the slight breeze, as the windows were open.

“Great,” was all she muttered before letting Zeke out of the car.

Making her way inside, with a slight waddle, Clary looked about. The inside of the house looked bigger then the outside. Still, this place would never be home to her. Her home was back where he was, her love. Her mother had come in and placed a box on the floor, looking over at her daughter. At sixteen, Clary was a very pretty girl and her mother knew that. She knew that one day Clary would start dating, but she didn’t know she was going to be a young mother. That was something that she wished she would have waited for, not wanting her daughter to go through what she did.

Clary moved around her mother and went to the car, picking up the lightest box, she helped her mom unpack. Her boxes went into the bedroom, that she had claimed. All the while Zeke chased the butterflies in the front yard, barking happily without a care in the world. Clary watched with a sad smile, wishing she could be like that; wishing he could be like that.

“You okay?” Her mother asked her, coming up behind her.

“I’m fine, mother.”

“Clary, I’m doing this for your own good.”

“As you’ve said before.”

She put down the last box and went up to her room. There was little furniture and the moving van wouldn’t be coming until tomorrow. Her bed was on that moving truck and she had to make her bed of blankets. Her mother came in, pulling an air mattress. Without a word she let it flop to the floor and walked out of the room, she had learned that talking was useless.

“You’ll thank me someday,” her mother promised her, before shutting the door.

Clary sighed and sat down, her ankles were swollen already. Zeke came over and rested his head in her lap, offering his comfort. With a watery smile, she began to pet him as her other hand pulled her dark brown hair back.

“You’re the only thing I can trust,” she spoke to the dog, like she had many times.

Zeke let out a small whine, letting her know that he knew what she had said. Clary smiled a bit more and scratched behind his ear. Once she had rested, she began to unpack what she could. A lot of them were pictures of her and her old friends, her old life. The life she had to leave behind because of her mother. Shaking her head, she shook the thoughts from her mind and continued to unpack. That was when she came across a picture of him and her, they were on the beach with his friends. He had his arm wrapped around her and a cheesy grin on his face. His dimples stood out on his cheeks, making her smile and her eyes water. Gently, she ran her thumb across the gloss of the picture. That was the last picture of them before her mother found out.

Clarissa flipped the picture over as the tears began to fall down her cheeks, no matter how much she tried, she still cried.

Matt was an amazing guy. Clary was aware of the age difference, but it didn’t matter to her. She had fallen head over heels for him and couldn’t stop, no matter how much she had tried to deny it. In the beginning both of them had tried to just be friends, but the feelings had grown. The next thing they both knew he was being carted away in handcuffs, before Clary could tell him she was pregnant and her mother had found out. That night she had lost her heart and the hatred for her mother filled her body. She had to watch him being put in the back of the cruiser, his head hung low. This was partly her fault, he was going to jail because of her.

That night she had ran, with tears streaking down her cheeks, to their spot. Collapsing in the soft sand she had let her sobs go, her chest heaving with them. Her mouth opened and she let out a great yell, angry at the world, at herself and at her mom. Her throat was raw and she could feel her voice falling in pitch, as she began to lose it. She yanked at her hair, she picked up tiny pebbles and threw them into the sea. Her body collapsed into the sand as granules of it stuck to her wet cheeks, none of it mattering to her. She was broken and scared, lonely and afraid. She wanted her Matt back, wanting to be in his arms; her safe haven from the world.

It wasn’t long before her mother found her, her face set in stone; anger not looking good on her.

“Come now, Clary,” she snapped in a harsh tone.

Clary didn’t move, she just looked out at the ocean; her stare blank and unseeing. The only sound she made was her ragged breathing and a sniffle here and there. Her mothers’ fingers wrapped around her upper arm, painfully, as she dragged her up from the sand. She tried to fight, but her mother dragged her to the car and dragged her inside, once they were home. She had forced Clary to sit in a chair and began yelling at the girl, Clary cross her arms over her chest and looking to a spot on the floor.

“Are you listening to me?” Her mother asked in a shout.

The answer was silence, which angered her mother even more. She went on a rant and Clary just tuned her out. Her mother had forbid her to ever seeing the man again and that was the end of that. But, Clary wouldn’t listen to her at all. She snuck out and rode the bus down to the jail. The first time she had gone there it broke her heart, and more tears leaked out. She was still crying even when they were checking her for weapons. When she saw him behind the plate glass window, her tears just started to fall more. He frowned as he seen her with tears streaking down her cheeks, his eyes sparkling because he got to see her.

Once she was seated in the chair, before him, she picked up the plastic phone as he did on the other side.

“It’s good to see you again,” his voice floated through the earpiece and into her ear.

“I miss you. It is good to see you again, too.”

“I miss you, too.”

“I’m sorry!” She burst out.

“For what?” He asked her looking puzzled.

“This is all my fault! If I didn’t kiss you, that one time, you wouldn’t be here!”

“Clar, it would have happened either way. I love you and I don’t regret anything,” he spoke, putting his large hand to the glass.

Clary lifted her small one and placed it, on the glass, over his. Her eyes staring into his warm ones, the ones that were dull even though there was a hint of light. His eyes wandered down to the baggy hoodie, but it didn’t hide anything. Those wonderful eyes went wide and he looked to her.

“You’re pregnant?”

She gulped and nodded her head.

“I tried to tell you that night.”

Finally, it all made sense to him. Why she was scared and looked pale, tired too. She was pregnant and he couldn’t be there. That thought made the smile fall from his face and tears to gather in his eyes.

“Oh, Matt..please don’t cry!” She pleaded with the older man.

“I wont be able to be there for the baby,” he spoke, his voice choked with tears.

Her own tears began to fall and her hand curled into a fist against the glass. He didn’t deserve to be in there, he didn’t do anything wrong. Technically, by law, he did. But, to Clary, that law was bullshit. Love was love no matter the age difference, being it was only a couple years until she was eighteen.

The guard came up to her, and with a gruff voice, told her it was time to go.

“I love you, Mattie,” she whispered into the phone.

She quickly put the phone back down and blew him a kiss, a small smile spreading across her face as pretended to catch it and put it in his pocket. Though, she didn’t have time to send one back because the guard was leading her out. Again, fresh tears fell down her cheeks. That was how it went every time she went down there, always her sneaking out until her mom caught her. Hence the reason why they had moved out of Huntington. Her mother thought that if she put distance between them it would stop her, but she had vowed to see him again. At least she wanted to see him once before the baby was born.

With a sigh she lay down on the, now covered, air mattress. Her eyes slid closed and she felt her furry companion climb onto the bed, the best he could, her belly slightly in the way. He let out a doggy sigh and closed his own eyes, falling asleep with her.

The next morning she woke to the sun rays on her face and the left side of the bed empty. She groaned rolling over to look at the alarm clock on the floor, the baby giving a good morning kick. A smile spread across her face as she laid a gentle, hand on her stomach. It was the best thing she had ever felt, next to making love to Matt. The idea of having a human growing inside of her had scared her at first, now she loved it. She loved when the baby would kick and found it amusing when it had hiccups.

As her hands cradled her stomach she thought about the promise she had made Matt.

Promise me you’ll show me the ultrasounds?”

“Of course, Mattie.”

“Thank you,” he whispered just before they had to hang up

That thought had made her think of how she was going to get back to Huntington to see him. She didn’t want to abandon him and she was going to stick to her promise, no matter what she had to do to do it. She wanted their child to know his or her’s father no matter if he is locked up or not. That was when she was began to plan to see him tomorrow, looking up cab companies in the phone book. She was going to call one after her appointment and have it pick her up at the hospital, that way her mother didn’t have to know a thing. It was a good thing her mother had to work day shift, unlike the third shift she worked before.

With a sigh she began to pace back and forth, hands resting on her aching back. She hadn’t been awake long and already her back was getting to her, she couldn’t wait to have this kid. Her need to hold it, in her arms, strong. She was only six months along and yet, she wanted this baby so damn much. It was her only tie to Matt that her mother couldn’t take away from her. She would fight tooth and nail for their child, even if it meant her mother hating her. The strong feeling just oozed from her mother and slid around her like a tendril of acrid smoke, clutching and clinging and soaking into her very being. Though her mother tried to brush it off and play the part of a loving mother and that it didn’t bother her, Clary being pregnant and all; but Clary knew, knew that it got to her. Her mother had put on a façade, but Clary saw right through it.

“Clarissa, breakfast!” Her mother had shouted.

Clary groaned as her stomach let out a loud growl, telling her it was time to eat. Padding her way across the room and to the kitchen. The smell of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast had her mouth watering and her stomach growling, again. Two plates sat on the small, cherry wood table; glasses of orange juice resting at the top of the plate and the silverware lying by the side. Her mother didn’t usually set out the table like this, something must be up and she didn’t know what it could be. Her stomach didn’t care, because it was demanding food. Gently, she sat down in her chair and began to eat. The food tasted really good, the special way her mother had made them. Something was definitely up.

“I’ve been thinking, Clarissa,” her mother started, setting down her fork.

Clarissa’s heart sped up and it felt like it was clogged in her throat. Those words meant nothing was ever good, something bad was going to come up.

“I want you to put the baby up for adoption. I’ve already called a really nice family and they have agreed to take it. Now, I know you want to keep it but it’s going to ruin your life. You don’t want a kid now because you want to focus on school…”

Clary saw red and threw her fork to the china plate, the clatter filled the room. Her mother looked to her, cut off in mid sentence. Her eyes were wide with shock and her mouth opened and closed.

“No! I will not give this baby up! This baby is a product of Matt’s love and mine! You can’t take that away from me!”

Her mother stood, her eyes bulging out of her head and her mouth set in a straight line. Her face was red in anger and Clary knew she had made her mad, she was beyond mad; she was pissed off.

“There is no discussion about this! You live under my roof and you follow my rules,” her mother boomed. A vein was starting to pop out on her neck, which indicated that she was beyond pissed off.

“Fine! I’ll find somewhere else to live,” Clary said in a calm voice.

“You will do no such thing! You’re only sixteen years old!”

“I’m not a child! I’m practically an adult and I’m not giving up my child!”

“You will!”

Clary was seeing red as she picked up the plate from the table and flung it against the wall, hitting it it smashed into a million pieces and rained on the floor. Her mother growled a sound Clary had never heard come from her before.

“That is it! You are out of here,” her mother screamed and stomped out of the room.

Clary could feel the anger choking her as she shouted to her, the word gladly falling from her lips. Her stomps echoed through out the quiet kitchen, the stairs heightening the sound even more. Once she had made it to her room, Clary slammed the door shut and began to pack a small bag. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to grab anything big or bulky, so she kept it light. Her debit card slid into the pocket of her sweats and she rushed out of the house, Zeke on his leash and by her side. She wasn’t going to leave him with her mom, not at all. Matt had given him to her, but her mother didn’t know that. Clary had to beg to keep him as her mother hated any living animals, the reason why Clary’s childhood was void of any.

The streets were lined with pristine cars and she didn’t know where she was, she had been walking for four hours in one direction; somehow she didn’t think that was a good idea. Her feet were screaming at her to sit down and her ankles were swollen. Clary had no place to go and the tears began to fall from her eyes. Her life had become so messed up, she didn’t know what to do. She could always go to Matt and tell him the situation but she didn’t want to rely on him, she didn’t want him to worry about her. He had too much to worry about anyway, like trying to not be anyone’s bitch in jail. She had no family in California, well she never had contact with him. It was like her mother had fallen off the face of the Earth to them, so that was out of the picture.

Shifting a bit, she lay down on the bench and closed her eyes; her sweatshirt under her head as a pillow. She was going to nap on this bench because it was the only place that she could go. She had Zeke to protect her, or that is what she hoped he would do; they had never been put into this situation before. She didn’t know when she had drifted off but the next thing she knew it was beginning to rain, the drops falling softly upon her body. Great, that was another thing she had to put up with. She tried to curl up more on the bench but she couldn’t escape the falling water. She sat up and threw her hoodie on, the one that she had used as a pillow, and let out a sigh. Now what was she going to do? She had to find a place to stay because she couldn’t afford to get sick. Getting to her feet, albeit with difficulty, she grabbed Zeke’s leash and began walking. Her feet were still aching but it was a dull ache, and her back was screaming at her. Maybe laying on the bench wasn’t a good idea, or maybe it was the extra weight of her expanded stomach.

“Miss are you okay?”

Clary’s heart began to pick up speed and her throat had become dry. Her mind was whirling with thoughts that this guy was going to beat her and rape her, having watched too many lifetime movies.

“Miss?”

“Yeah I’m just going over to a friend’s house…” she trailed off, hoping the person had believed her lie.

“Wait..you seem familiar.”

It was when she turned to the guy that relief had washed over her, it was someone she had met through Matt. The guy was one of Matt’s best friends, but she couldn’t remember the name of him.

“I know you,” she spoke through her partially dried lips.

“You’re Clary right?” The guy asked his green eyes searching her face and recognition lit them up.

“Yeah, but I don’t remember who you are.”

“I’m Zacky,” he spoke with fluidity.

“I remember you now,” she exclaimed a smile tugging at her lips.

“What are you doing out here in this weather?” He had asked her, having not bought the lie of going to a friends house.

“My mom kicked me out and I have nowhere to go,” she found herself spilling to him.

He looked to her with a frown on his face, feeling for the poor girl that was standing in front of him.

“Matt wouldn’t want that,” he spoke after a while of thinking. “How about you come to stay with me until you get back onto your feet.”

“Oh no, I couldn’t do that.”

“I don’t want to leave you out here to get sick, Clary.”

She sighed and ran her pale fingers through her tangled hair, she didn’t want to intrude on him at all. But it was Matt’s friend and he was offering, she knew Matt wouldn’t want her out here; just like Zacky had pointed out to her. Still, she hardly knew him and hardly knew about him, the only time she ever really talked with him were at parties. That was the only time she’d see him too.

“I don’t know, Zacky,” she spoke and licked her lips, wetting them.

“Come on, I’m not going to let you stay out here.”

He wrapped his fingers around her arm and began to gently pull her, she had no choice but to follow him. He was such a persistent guy, something she remembered Matt telling her. He had a laugh in his voice when he did. Those were the good days and the times that Clary would love to keep in her mind, those memories stored in her brain and locked away forever. Her thoughts were scattered away as she heard Zacky tell her that they were to his place, her mouth slightly parted at the size of it. This was going to be her home until she could either find her own or Matt gets out, which she doubted he would’ though she wished, with all her might, that he would.