Dear God

It had been a couple of hours since they had gotten home and hung up her clothes. Right now her and Zacky were playing video games, her eyes on the clock. She had to get to bed early because she wanted to try and go see Matt, though she knew that she should tell Zacky about it. But something was holding her back, maybe it was because her mother had forbade her to see him and she was afraid that Zacky would have done the same; Matt was his best friend though and she doubt he would do that at all. From what she knew about him, which wasn’t much, was that he was a great person and caring. He had took her in off the street and spent a lot of money on her, something that she had not wanted him to do; she didn’t want to become a burden on anyone and she felt like she was going to become one with him. In her mind she had already planned on paying him back for his generosity.

“I want to go see Matt,” She spoke before her brain could even process that the phrase was out of her mouth.

Zacky let out a small smile, “I can take you first thing in the morning if you want?”

“I’d like that,” she smiled, letting out a breath of relief.

She was relieved that he had relented so quickly and that there was no fight involved. In all reality she found herself quite silly because why would he have turned her down? He knew just how much they both loved each other and, to her, it seemed like he’d do anything for his best friend and band mate. That thought had brought her back to the fact that there would be a lot of restrictions with Matt, if he was even let out of jail. The smile had melted from her face and she couldn’t help but choke up as tears gathered in the corner of her eyes. She had messed up his life, he had given up everything for her and she couldn’t help but feel like she was the cause of the band’s departure. She bet fans hated her and she bet they had lost quite a few, parents getting wind of what happened and forbade them to ever listen or see the band again. Silent tears streaked down her cheeks and she began to feel even more silly, she couldn’t change the past and it’s not like the tears could just wash away the past either. What’s done was done and now it was up to God and the court system.

Zacky looked to the girl that was sitting next to him and she looked so broken and beaten, torn and dejected. His heart went out to her and he could feel his own tear ducts activate, with a sniffle he held his arms open to her; the xbox controller falling to the floor as he did so. She scooted over to him and collapsed into his arms letting out sobs, sobs she didn’t know she had in her. Her small frame shook as his tattooed arms wrapped tightly around her, holding the girl close to him. He rubbed his hand gently up and down her spine, comforting the best that he could; his own tears coated his cheeks and he couldn’t form any words at all. His throat was closed and he felt like he had swallowed and orange and couldn’t get it unstuck. He was crying because of her, his friend and the injustice of it all. This was the first time that he, Zacky Vengeance, had cried in a long while. Of course he wasn’t one of those guys that thought crying emasculated a guy, because he knew that real men cry; they don’t hide behind macho toughness.

After a while she had cried herself to sleep and Zacky didn’t have the heart to move her, gently he placed a piece of her hair behind her ear; he could see why his friend was enamoured with her, she was beautiful. He had remembered telling her that he would take her today but she had slept and then they had went shopping, by the time that was done visiting hours were over. He felt like he had disappointed her and that was why her relented and told her he would bring her first thing in the morning and this time he meant it; he was going to keep his promise to her. She has already been through so much and he couldn’t forget and back down on this promise, no matter if the guys were going to meet up and talk about things. He hadn’t told her that part, yet. He just didn’t know when the best time would be for it and he didn’t know if he could take her. The guys weren’t to keen on her and, somewhat he couldn’t blame them. If it weren’t for her, they’d still have their lead singer, songwriter and their pianist. Without Matt there was no Avenged Sevenfold. Zacky shook himself from his thoughts and accidentally woke Clary up because of it, he apologize profusely. She gave him a sleepy, smile and told him it was okay. She knew that she should get to bed because the floor was becoming uncomfortable and Zacky looked like he could use some sleep. His eyes were bloodshot from crying and his waterline was red from the tears running over it.

Clary sat up and let out a cry of pain, as her back had been stiff. The cry made Zacky’s eyes widen.

“Are you okay? Is it time?” he was beginning to panic and that set off Clary’s laughing reflex.

“N..n..nooo, I’m fine! I…i..it’s just my back hurt!” She choked out through her laughter.

She didn’t know why she was laughing and from the look that she was getting, Zacky was wondering if she were on something himself. That only caused her to laugh more and clutch her stomach as tears, or laughter, gathered in her eyes. It felt good to laugh a real laugh and not a semi-laugh. This laugh rumbled through her and it was contagious, as Zacky had a large grin on his face; shaking his head also. He had never seen her like this and he kind of liked that she wasn’t moping about and feeling sorry for herself, he could see that motherly glow about her too. It was as if she were a whole new person and that is how Zacky had wanted to keep her.

After she calmed down they both kind of laid on the floor and looked to the ceiling, Ichabod crawling onto Zacky’s chest and resting there. They were both lost in silence, only their breathing could be heard within the room. Here and there you would hear Ichabod sneeze or move, trying to get comfortable.

“I’m sorry, Zacky,” Clary spoke up, her voice cutting through the silence that had enveloped them.

“For what?”

“For the whole thing with Matt being in jail. I know it’s brought your band down and I just feel…I feel like it’s all my fault,” she had stuttered the last part out and he knew that she was going to cry again.

“No, no, no! Don’t talk like that, Clary! He loves you and you love him, so what if he’s 28 and you’re 17? I think love is love, no matter what. They shouldn’t put a restriction on that,” he spoke to her, his green eyes on fire, as he felt very passionate about this.

She looked to the man that was beside her and let out a sigh, she knew that he was only being nice; he probably hated her. She didn’t doubt it because of what had happened with Matt, knowing that he was one of the main people in the group. You couldn’t really replace a lead singer because it just wouldn’t be the same and Clary knew that.

“Clary, Matt loves you and I could see it in his eyes. You have him wrapped around your finger, I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s fallen in deep and what he did, he did it for you. If it were another person he wouldn’t have done that. I’ve never seen him as happy as he was and we can’t change what has happened. Don’t give up hope, because I’m sure there is something better for you two.”

Clary couldn’t help it, she hugged the man and wiped at her eyes. Those were the sweetest words she had ever heard from someone and it actually made her feel better.

“Thanks, Zack. I’m going to get ready for bed. I really do appreciate all that you’ve done for me.”

“No problem. Sleep well, Clary.”

She gave him a smile and gently pushed herself up from the floor with a groan, another thing she hated about being pregnant; it was hard to get up and down from the floor. With her hands on her back, she made her way upstairs, Ichabod’s claws hitting the hardwood floor as he followed her. The dog had taken a liking of sleeping with her and her own dog, both of them getting along. Zeke was protective of the little dog and it had made her laugh, once growling at a rabbit that dared hop close to his little friend. As she got ready for bed, both dog’s followed her and she chuckled. Once she had finished in the bathroom she turned out the light and went to the bed, pulling down the covers and leaving the heavy ones at the bottom of the bed. Her body sank into the soft, mattress as she crawled into bed and turned the bedside lamp off; the dogs jumping up and both curling up at the end of the bed, eyes closed. Clary gave one more smile before she drifted off into dream world with dreams full of Matt and their little one.

The next morning, the sun peeked through her curtains and landed on her cheek causing her to wake. Her mind slowly woke up and one thought flashed across her mind ‘today I’m going to see Matt.’ That thought made her practically jump from the bed and take her morning shower, rushing to get ready and not caring about how she looked; she was too excited to even worry. Her heart was beating fast under her breastbone and her breathing was slightly ragged. It was then she knew that she would have to slow down, she was getting to excited. The baby was kicking like crazy, letting her know that she indeed was overdoing it. Gently, she lay her hand on her stomach and began to rub it soothingly and instantly the kicking stopped. The smile that spread across her face was huge, this child seemed like it was going to be a good kid already listening to her and calming down. She was so lost in her thoughts and staring at her stomach that she didn’t hear the faint knock on her door.

“Clary are you up?” Zacky asked, both of the dogs barking at the door wanting out.

Zeke looked to her, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth and letting out a whine; his eyes were also giving her the puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah I’m up,” she said through a chuckle as she opened the door and the dogs rushed out, Ichabod practically sprinting to keep up with Zeke.

“I can see that, just let me let the dogs out in the backyard and we’ll be on our way,” he spoke to her.

She nodded and told him she was going to get something to eat before they left. Once she was in the kitchen she debated on what to eat, she knew it had to be something healthy and something that would fill her on the go; though it was hard to find that in Zacky’s kitchen. Once she found something that would contain her hunger for a while, she walked into the living room as Zacky descended the last step of the staircase.

“You ready?” He asked her, looking to her.

“Yeah I am,” she spoke as she swallowed the last bite of the chocolate chip, granola bar.

He nodded and walked in front of her, opening the front door for her, closing it after they both were out. Again, he helped her into his SUV and got into the driver side. She could see the key shaking, slightly, as he tried to put it in the ignition. That took up a bit of time and she could tell he was nervous, heck she was too. This was the first time she was going to visit him in a while, even speaking with him in a while. She wondered if he ever thought of her, if he thought she had ditched him or something. Clary felt her heart beating fast within her chest coupled with the baby kicking, it seemed as if it was anxious itself. Tenderly she lay her hand on her belly as Zacky began to drive to the prison, both of them not speaking each of them lost in thought. Clary’s mind was whirling with what ifs and I wish something she had been doing a lot lately. In her mind she lived with Matt, no one had found out and she’d be eighteen and legal. She would be laying in his tattooed arms with a smile on her face, something she dreamt about often. In the morning she’d wake up and feel the cold bed beside her and reality would come crashing down on her, like a heavy weight placed upon her chest.

Zacky tried to keep a smile on her face, he tried to cheer her up and he tried to make her smile. Though the conversation was very one sided with her not saying much; that caused a frown to appear on his face. He didn’t want her to go in like that, it would bring Shads down and his friend already had enough on his plate. He really needed to be cheered up and with Clary going in the way she was, that wouldn’t help at all.

“Clary can I ask you something?”

“What is it, Zacky?” She asked him, looking at the short man beside her.

“Do you love, Matt?” He asked her, glancing at her quickly and then looking back at the road.

“With all of my heart,” she whispered as her throat clogged with tears.

“Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure, anything after you took me in like that.”

“Will you make sure you look happy and smile for, Matt?”

“Of course, Zacky.”

He thanked her and pulled into the parking lot and turning the key, shutting off the ignition and taking a deep breath. He asked if she was ready to go in and she could only nod her head, thick emotion was filling her to the brim and she felt like she was going to explode. That or she was swimming in a pool of molasses and hardly getting anywhere. She felt like her heart was in her throat beating it’s frantic rhythm and her legs felt like jelly, she didn’t even understand why. She had been down here many times before but this time she had to tell him that she had no where to live, that she had left the house and her mother wouldn’t take her back; like she’d ever want to go back. Today she was going to tell him that they were having a little girl and show him the ultrasounds. Today felt like such a huge day for both of them.

Zacky came around and helped her out of the SUV and walked with her to the brick building, his hand supported her lower back in a friendly comfort. She gave him a small smile and was grateful that he was there for her, even if she did get his friend thrown in jail; like she had meant for that to ever happen.

“We’re here to see Matt Sanders,” Zacky spoke to the lady out front.

She looked him up and down, “You’d have to go through security first.” She spoke her tone snooty and like she was higher than them.

“I know the procedure,” Zacky spoke back, his tone matching hers.

She lead them through, the security taking their wand up and down each of their bodies and checking their baggage, one of them ripping the manila folder from her grip. She let out a gasp as the ultrasound pictures fell from the folder and onto the floor. He looked to them and gave her a smirk, knowing who she was right away. His smirk was goading her and ridiculing her all in one, making Zacky glare at the man before him.

“May we go on?” He snapped, pulling the manila envelope from his hand and picking up the scattered ultrasound pictures.

Clary thanked him quietly as the guards lead them to the glass enclosure as another went to go get Matt, Clary’s heart racing as she seen the bright orange jumpsuit coming into view. Her eyes went slowly up and met with the dull hazel color of Matt’s eyes, though they brightened considerably as he spotted her. It was like she gave him life and hope, hope that he’d be getting out of their soon and he’d be able to be there for her; like he had promised her he would be.

“Clary!” He spoke with excitement, as soon as he picked up the black, plastic phone.

“Hey, Matt,” she spoke into the mouthpiece, her eyes tearing up.

“I thought you forgot about me,” he spoke as his voice broke, roughened by misuse.

“I could never forget about you, Mattie. Some things have came up,” she said, shifting in her seat, causing Matt to notice Zacky there.

The singer’s eyes lit up more seeing his best friend and Clary couldn’t help but smile softly, handing over the phone to Zacky, so he could talk to Matt first. She watched the two men converse, both of them trying to fit in so much. Zacky filled him in on how him and Gena just crumbled after everything. Michelle and Brian were still together so was Johnny and his girl. Zacky then told him how Clary was staying with him, causing suspicion to flare up in the older man’s eyes, but the short man was quick to dash that out by telling him how it had happened. Matt’s eyes went from accusing to sympathetic and she hated that he was feeling that, it wasn’t his fault. Both of them were to blame for everything that had happened, it was a catalyst of things, things that they couldn't really control.

After they were done, Zacky handed her back the phone and went to go sit in an empty chair, giving them some privacy; as much privacy as they could have with two guards watching them.

“How is Baby Sanders doing?” Matt asked, as soon as the phone was to her ear.

“Well she’s been kicking up a storm,” she told him, wondering if he picked up on the hint she had dropped within the sentence.

From the look of his face, he had heard that hint and couldn’t help but tear up.

“We’re having a little girl?” He asked her.

She nodded her head as a huge smile spread across her face, fumbling to open the folder sat on the ledge before her and showing him the ultrasounds, telling him she had a few for him too. His fingers slid along the glass, tracing the shape of their child on the printout. His eyes were still shining with tears as they fell down upon his cheeks. He had that fatherly look in his eyes and a flash of regret went across his eyes. He wouldn’t be able to be there for her birth or the first few years of her life, he wouldn’t even be able to go near his own daughter when he would get out of jail. The whole sex offender would get in his way and taint his name. Inside his heart was breaking and he could feel his throat closing in.

“She’s going to be beautiful,” he spoke as his voice crackled with emotion and he looked to her.

Slowly she put the pictures back in the folder and looked to him, “I hope she has your eyes.”

“I hope she looks like you,” He told her sincerely and put his hand to the glass, just like he had the first time she visited him.

She lay her hand over his and kept looking to him, unspoken words passing between them. Her eyes were apologizing to him about getting him into this mess and his were sending her his love and that he’d be there for her someway, somehow.

“We will figure this out, baby,” he told her with conviction in his voice, the guards telling them that time was up.

She had to be practically dragged away, telling him she loved him and him returning the sentiment as she screamed wait, giving the guard the folder and telling him to give it to Matt; those were his set of ultrasounds. The guard took the folder from her and escorted both her and Zacky out, Clary’s smile quickly turning into a frown and a dull ache started in her heart as she felt the loneliness creep within her soul. She felt like she wouldn’t ever be warm again, unless she had Matt by her side.