Dear God

Clarissa stood in front of her closet, her chin in her hand and looking at her choices of outfits. Today she was meeting the guys, and to say she was nervous was an understatement. Her hands were shaking because she didn’t know what they thought of her, she wondered if they hated her. She wouldn’t blame them either way. With a sigh, she grabbed some clothes and put on an outfit, looking at herself in the mirror. Frowning, she pulled the top off and put on a new one, causing her to frown again. She didn’t look good in anything she tried on, she felt like a huge whale and a blimp. She was so fat that she probably would break any chair she tried to sit in, those thoughts bringing tears to her eyes and she turned away from the mirror. How could any guy love her? She was ugly and fat, her ankles were swollen and she had horrible mood swings; consisting of her being overly happy or her crying all the time. She was a mess. Clary had changed her mind, she wasn’t going and she was going to tell Zacky that. Speaking of the devil, Zacky walked into her room and seen her crying upon her bed, shirts strewn on the floor.

“Clary?”

“GET OUT ZACKY!! I’m ugly!!”

Zacky couldn’t help but let out a chuckle and sat on the bed, “Hun, you’re pregnant and you are far from ugly.”

She sniffled, “You have to say that.”

“No I don’t, Clary. It’s true that you are,” he looked to her, as she sat up and rubbed the tears from her eyes.

Her chest would move everytime she would sniffle and her nose was running Zacky chuckled and got a Kleenex for her, wiping her nose gently. She looked at him, her brown eyes watery and red rimmed from her crying. His thumb gently brushed a stray tear from her cheek, eyes locked with hers. Slowly his face inched towards hers, nose touching slightly as their lips brushed together. Clary’s eyes slowly closed as Zacky’s lips locked with hers, his other hand, the one that was wiping away the tears, cupped her cheek also. His lips rings felt cold against her lip, reminding her of Matt’s lip ring, the one that he had to have removed. The thought made her pull away and look at Zacky wide eyed, and chest heaving, Zacky looking back at her, mouth hanging open in shock.

Clary couldn’t believe that she had kissed Matt’s friend, someone that Matt was close to. She was beginning to feel like a traitor and a fresh batch of tears began to fill her eyes and she willed them not to fall, not wanting to look weak in front of him; it seems like that was all she could do in front of him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“We can act like it’s never happened,” Clary spoke and looked to him, her eyes no longer watery and dull, the tears having dried on her cheeks. Trying to act strong and she thought Zacky knew that, because he backed off.

Zacky nodded his head and bit his lip, “You ready to go?”

Without another word, Clary nodded her head and got up from the bed, with Zacky’s help. She thanked him and followed him down the stairs and out the door. Once they were in the SUV, Zacky started it and put on some Guns ‘N Roses, Sweet Child O’ Mine, blasting through the speakers. Clary sang along, along with Zacky both of them laughing at one another. The song had kept them sane and instead of being within their thoughts they sang.

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

The song ended and Clary collapsed back on her seat, a smile on her face and not a care in the world. It seemed like everything was going to be okay, even if Matt wasn’t going to be getting out soon. Something that brought a slight frown on her face, because she missed him and wanted to be with him. The one thing she had to keep telling herself was to keep thinking positive, because it’ll help. As he thoughts took over, Zacky pulled into someone’s driveway, shutting the car off. She assumed that this was one of the guy’s homes and possible the meeting place for all of them. Her heart picked up speed and it felt like it was stuck in her throat, clogging her airway and she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“Clary, Clary! Listen to me,” Zacky told her, having come around to her side and seeing her having a anxiety attack. “They are going to love you, plus you need to calm down for the baby.”

Clary looked to him, taking deep breaths as he instructed her too. He was being so sweet to her and her mind went back to the kiss, the kiss that felt so wrong, yet right at the same time; was that even possible? She shook her head and got out of the SUV, with help from Zacky, seeing someone standing in the doorway and glaring at her.

“Brian,” Zacky greeted the man before them, after closing and locking the car doors.

“Who is this whore?” Brian asked, looking Clary up and down, Clary’s face stricken when she heard him call her a whore.

“This is Clary,” Zacky spoke, glaring to his friend and it dawned on Brian who it was; hatred seeping into his features and Clary shrank into Zacky, feeling so small.

Zacky cleared his throat and Brian stepped out of the way, his glare never leaving Clary, causing her to shrink even more. Zacky sighed and began to think that maybe it was a bad idea, maybe he shouldn’t have brought Clary. He could tell that Brian hated her and he didn’t know how Jimmy and Johnny were going to take it, because with Matt being in jail both of them took it pretty hard. Of course, they all knew that it was because of some girl named Clary, never having really met her before; well they have, but they were very drunk and didn’t remember what she looked like.

“I can’t do this,” Clary whispered to Zacky, clutching onto his hoodie as he pushed her forward.

“You can do this. I’m sure the others won’t be so harsh.”

Clary swallowed hard and tried to put a smile on her face, but Zacky could tell that she was nervous by the way her body was shaking. It wasn’t an all out shaking, but it was small tremors that passed through her. He could feel the fear radiating from off her body and frowned, stopping before the door to the basement.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“We’re already here as it is,” She told him. “I have to be strong, plus I’m sure Matt would want me to meet his friends, if he were here.”

She had whispered the last part and she sounded like she was going to break down into tears again, Zacky didn’t want that at all. He wanted her to be smiling, like she was earlier in the truck. Zacky’s frown deepened as he walked into the room and seen Johnny and Jimmy looking at Clary, as if she were just a piece of dirt.

“Guys…this is Clary,” Zacky told them.

“Is she your new play thing,” Johnny asked, a sneer upon his face.

“No this is Matt’s girl,” Zacky sneered back, eyes glaring daggers at his friends.

Johnny’s eyes softened and he apologized for being so hostile, which made Clary feel a bit better but Jimmy didn’t say anything. He just silently took her in, not knowing how to feel about her, because she was the reason why Matt was in jail for some time now. He had his arms crossed over his chest and Clary couldn’t help but think that it was better than having him glare at her, something she couldn’t handle if most of the band hated her. At least she had Johnny and Zacky on her side, that was more than half the band if she included Matt also.

Brian walked into the room and took a seat next to Jimmy, Johnny on the one chair, Zacky offering Clary his seat only to have it declined. Zacky sighed and forced her to sit, knowing she’d thank him later because her ankles would be swollen and her lower back would be hurting, worse then they were now.

“So why are we here?” Zacky asked.

“Well we wanted to discuss possibilities of a tour, if and when Matt gets out,” Jimmy filled him in, snapping into business mode.

Jimmy had buckled down at the whole fiasco, he really wasn’t himself and no one could blame him. One of his best friends was in jail and it was because he was in love with someone, someone he was trying to hate but couldn’t. Why should he hate her? He should hate the law and what they had done to their friend, because it was love. What was so wrong with being in love? It wasn’t like she was a child, way younger than what she is now.

“Will they even let him be on the tour? I mean, no mother will want their children at our concert because this situation.”

Clary bit her lip and knew she was the cause of this, maybe if she’d just disappear it’d be so much better. They didn’t need her hanging around and she could feel Brian’s eyes on her, boring holes into her and making her feel as if she was on display.

“It’s because of that whore!” He shouted, pointing his finger at Clary, the one with the A on the knuckle.

Clary looked to him, a frown upon her face.

“I’m sorry,” she squeaked out.

“You’re sorry? YOU’RE SORRY?” He screamed. “That wont bring our friend back! He’s going to have a fucking record because of you! You are nothing but trouble…”

“BRIAN!” Zacky yelled, causing Brian to shut up and glare at his friend.

“So you stick up for her?”

“Yes, because they are in love! Would you feel the same about Michelle if she were Clarissa’s age?”

Brian looked down, not even answering the question. The room was silent, you could hear everyone in the room breathing. Brian’s chest was heaving with his outburst, Zacky was standing with his arms crossed over his chest defensive.

“Look, Zacky I’ll be in the car. I’m sorry that I ever even met Matt, does that make you happy?”

Her eyes spoke of her pain as she glared at Brian, tears falling down her cheeks. Another crying spell, all because she fell in love with someone that was older than her. Why couldn’t she control her heart? Why couldn’t things have been easier? Those questions floated around in her head and made the tears fall faster, as Zacky handed her the keys giving her a sympathetic look. Those looks were getting on her nerves, because it was all she would ever get. A teenage girl, pregnant and the father is in jail. Most looked at her like she was dirt and most of them were sympathetic with her. She was getting sick of it and she felt like she couldn’t take anymore of it, feeling like she wanted to end it all and just give up. She was at her wits end and she felt like she was going to break down, eventually, probably, ending up in a mental home.

Once she was in the car, she turned on the radio and just let go, sobbing her heart out and feeling like she was alone. No one understood her and everyone hated her, all but Zacky and Johnny. She had no one in the world, her mother had kicked her out and she didn’t know her father. Every time she’d ask her mother, her mother would change the subject or they would get into a yelling match. She remembered when everything was so much better, before she had grown up before her and her mother began fighting. She used to love life and she wasn’t even interested in boys she was a tomboy. She loved playing with frogs and picking dandelions, just to pop off the top of the flower. Storms were her favorite things to watch not one bit afraid of them. She would sit in her alcove and watch out the window, her eyes open in child like wonder. Things were much simpler back then and she wished she could go back to that time, maybe if she would have pushed her mom more she would know who her father was. She wondered if she had any half brothers or half sisters, she wondered if he ever thought of her. Did her father ever think of her? Of course not, he never sent her anything for her birthday.

She was so lost in thought that she didn’t hear Zacky open the door, the slam of it causing her to jump and her heart to beat fast. He had a pissed off look on his face and she didn’t dare open her mouth or say anything, because she didn’t want to fight with him. He was one of her allies and he was there for her, which she was glad for. She did need to talk to him though, but she’d save that for later. She was too wrapped up in thoughts about her father and who he was. She wanted to find him but she didn’t know where to look, she never had a clue or indication; nothing being left behind at the house of him. So Clary was stuck in a rut and she felt like she was never going to get out.

“You okay?” Zacky asked in a soft voice, it breaking through his thoughts.

“Yeah, just…I don’t know who my father is and I can’t stop thinking about him,” she told him.

“Have you tried finding him?”

“There was nothing left behind of him, I tried looking when I was younger. My mother and I would get into fights over it, whenever I brought it up.”

He gently laid a hand on top of hers and glanced at her, “I don’t know. Maybe there is some way we can find out. But no matter what, I’ll help you.”

“Thanks, Zack,” she gave him a small smile and looked out the window.

Zacky kept his hold on her hand as he drove on, making his way home or that is what she thought. She didn’t question where they were going, because she was still lost in thought it was when they stopped that she questioned him.

“Where are we?”

“I thought we’d eat out, healthy, for lunch,” he gave her a soft smile, his green eyes shining.

It was as if nothing had happened back there, he was trying to make her forget and she was grateful for that. Maybe she should just leave her thoughts behind and just have fun, Zacky wanted to make her smile and here she was frowning. So, she let a soft smile form on her face and got out of the SUV, without his help and followed him into the small café.

“I’ve never been here before,” she looked at the small place.

“I used to go here a lot when I just wanted to be by myself, no one knows about it.”

She smiled, as she felt honored about being the only one to know about it, wondering why he would share it with her and not the others. He hardly knew her and yet he was sharing secrets with her and kissing her, was he falling for her? If he were, it would be too much because she had a lot going on, plus it was Matt’s best friend. Her head was spinning as he held the door open for her, thanking him she walked in and looked about, not knowing where to sit.

“This way,” Zacky spoke to her, taking her hand and leading her to the back, to his favorite table.

She felt a little nervous as he was holding her hand out in public, where people would come up with conclusions of what is going on with them. That made her flush and butterflies to erupt into her stomach, it’s been a while since she had any kind of touch and she was feeling guilty about it. She loved Matt, but it was the hormones, she told herself.

Zacky pulled out a seat for her and she thanked him, sitting down with her cheeks turning red. He was being such a gentleman and he was taking her mind off the bad and making her think of the good, that was one thing she was thankful for.

“What do you recommend?” She asked him.

“Well I usually get a Caesar salad.”

She couldn’t help but laugh, covering her mouth as she did.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she shook her head quickly and spotting the donut case, her mouth began to water.

She hadn’t had anything sweet in a while, forget lunch, forget about eating healthy she wanted a donut. The craving was in full swing and she couldn’t help but stare at it, making Zacky look to where she was looking and let out a small chuckle.

“I take it you want that donut?”

She nodded her head, her eyes never leaving the display case as he excused himself and went to order their food, getting her a sandwich plus the donut. He knew that she needed to eat a full meal and not just something small. The baby needed nourishment and he’d see to it that she ate, for the baby’s sake and hers too. He took his ticket, with the number of what order they were, and took his seat. Clary smiled at him and began to speak.

“I’m going to owe you a lot.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

“Zacky, you don’t expect me to let you spend all of this money on me?”

“Yes, because I want to,” he told her, taking one of her hands in his and looking into her eyes.

She sighed, getting lost in those beautiful eyes of his and it still didn’t feel right that he was spending all his money on her. She felt bad about it but she knew that he wouldn’t let her pay for anything, he felt like he owed it to her and he didn’t owe her anything. Both of them made conversation as they waited for their order to be called, laughing and joking and a smile present, on Clary’s face. Zacky smiled knowing that he had put that their and his goal was set, he was so lost in the conversation that he didn’t hear their number being called until Clary told him, causing her to chuckle and shake her head at him.

Once he came back to the table, he handed her her food as she protested.

“You need the nourishment!” He told her, pushing it back towards her.

She sighed and knew he was right, she picked up the sandwich and took a bit, eyes going wide. It was the best tasting sandwich she had even ate, she didn’t even know what he had ordered her. She looked to him as he laughed at her, causing her to raise a perfectly shaped, eyebrow at him. He gave her an innocent smile as her foot collided with his shin, grimacing at her.

“What’d you do that for?”

“Whatever do you mean?” She asked, playing innocent with him.

“You kicked me in the shin!” He exclaimed looking at her with a smile.

“Pfft you must be losing it, Baker.”

“Ouch,” he spoke, holding his hand over his heart, “That hurt me right here.”

She couldn’t help but laugh at him as she finished her sandwich and quickly scarfed down her donut, finishing it off with the bubbly goodness of Sprite, the only pop she could drink since it didn’t have Caffeine in it. Zacky looked to her, never having seen a girl eat like she had.

“What?” She asked him, her cheeks going red.

“Damn girl….you can eat!”

She laughed as her cheeks grew even warmer. She usually didn’t eat like that in front of everyone but she was hungry, and the confrontation didn’t help it only made her even hungrier.

“Ready to go?”

She nodded and threw away her trash on her way out the door, as Zacky did. He helped her into the SUV and they made their way home. Clary had a smile on her face and so did Zacky, it seemed that the bad had finally left them alone; but both of them wondered for how long and what was going to happen next.