Dear God

Zacky sat the mug down in front of her, they had been home for a few hours and were now watching a slasher movie on the his tv, he had just made her hot chocolate because she had mentioned that she was craving one; she didn’t even think he’d remember her saying that. The fact that he did made her cheeks flush and a smile to appear on her face, thanking him as he took his seat next to her and focused on the screen. Inside him was an inner battle, one he shouldn’t be having about his best friend’s girl. She was off limits to him and yet, he felt a connection with her and he just wanted to kiss her again. Her lips were somewhat soft against his, rough from where she bit them all the time. Her stomach, though it’d get in. The fact that she was carrying a new life within her, was something that attracted him to her. Her eyes, when she was happy, were like warm chocolate and scrunched up, cutely, when she smiled. He felt like he was falling through a black hole and wouldn’t hit the bottom because it was bottomless. His heart would begin to beat erratically and he could feel his breath get caught in his throat, every time she would smile and look at him. This was the first time he felt this way in a long time, he used to feel like this with Gena, but things were different at the end. It was like the spark that they had had, had faded into nothing but friendly feelings. Would this happen with her? He thought to himself as he tried not to stare, or look over at her. It was hard because he felt his eyes gravitating towards her, like she had some magnetic pull that attracted them.

Clary wrapped her fingers around the mug, sipping at it and smiling at the hint of cinnamon. Zacky had gotten it right, which is rare. Usually she didn’t like drinking anything that anyone made her, because she had to be specific on how it was made, but she didn’t know he was going to do this for her. She thought that it was sweet of him and it was something he didn’t have to do. Something within her felt attracted to him, although she was in love with Matt; it wasn’t a small part of her either. She felt like it was such a big part of her, half-and-half, to be exact. It was like she was fighting an inner battle with herself and that was because she was lonely, with Matt gone and all it was hard. She missed being held, kissed, cuddle and just she missed going out at night; she also missed hanging out and just relaxing. She felt like everything was yanked out from under her and she was still scrambling to get up, leaving her dazed and confused. Maybe that is why she felt like she was falling for Zacky, no matter how wrong it was and how it would hurt Matt. Her mind was on an emotional roller coaster and the high level of hormones wasn’t helping her case either, it was like she wasn’t in control of her mind or her own body. Her mind was hijacked by the thought of the kiss he gave her, her lips tingling at the memory and she couldn’t help but smile; no matter how hard she tried to hide it. It just snuck up on her lips and it wasn’t a small one either, it was huge. One she hadn’t worn since this whole mess started and her and her mother fought all the time.

Clary set her empty mug on the table and curled her legs up under her, them getting restless and beginning to fall asleep because of her stomach pressing on them and cutting off the circulation a bit. She tried to get comfortable again, but needed to get up as her bladder was about to burst; or that is what she felt like it was going to do. It was so hard to be pregnant when you already have a small bladder and your circulation was poor anyway, that being the reason why she was cold all the time. It was something that she had got from her mother, both having the poor circulation problem. As she walked towards the downstairs bathroom she could feel his eyes on her and that made her shudder, not the bad kind of shudder either. She felt like she was beautiful, not a huge whale and carrying a child.

Once she was within the huge bathroom, she splashed cold water on her face and looked at herself in the mirror; after she had done her business, relieving her bladder. She had to stop thinking about Zacky like that, when did her thoughts of Matt leave, being replaced by ones of Zacky? She didn’t know the answer to that question and she began to feel so guilty for even thinking like this. Matt had given so much to keep her safe, he went to jail for her; he hadn’t denied that he had been with her. Usually, the guy in the situation would deny it and leave the girl heartbroken but Matt didn’t do that. He was a great guy and was amazing, he made her feel as if she were his world and no one else, besides his family. His family was a big thing to him and she knew that he would make a big deal about his little girl, also. As if she knew that she was thinking about her, the baby gave a kick and began to move. Inside of her was a miracle, another life something her and Matt created and that made her world crash around her, pushing the thoughts of Zacky behind; she didn’t have feelings for him, she told herself.

A soft knock on the door made her jump, Zacky’s voice permeating through the wooden structure.

“You okay?”

“Yeah just about ready to come out,” she told him.

A muffled okay could be heard and she let out a sigh, running her thin fingers through her hair. Why couldn’t anything ever be simple? She thought to herself as she looked into the mirror. She felt like she didn’t even deserve to be carrying Matt’s baby or to even say she loves him, because she does but with the thoughts that she had been having, it would make someone question it. What was going on with her? It could be the hormones from the pregnancy, but no matter how many times she told herself that, it wasn’t that. It was something within her, deep within her that had been woken up like a giant beast from a restful sleep. She felt like it was clawing at her, wanting to come out and play; it being something that Matt had let go within her and it had gone into hibernation once he had gone to jail. It caused her to go numb and to close herself off from another relationship, especially the ones her mom tried to push onto her.

Finally she took a hand towel and dried her face off, making sure to hang it up after. With a slow movement, she opened the door and found that Zacky was resting against the opposite wall, one of his legs crossed over the other, and focusing on his nails and chewing on his lip. She took a moment to roam her eyes over his body, taking him in. His stature was shorter than Matt’s was and he had more piercings than the front man. He wore his Jack Daniels shirt and a pair of jeans that were ripped at the knees, his feet clad in a pair of white socks. As she looked him over, it seems as if he didn’t even know she came out of the bathroom, lost in thought as he crossed his arms over his chest. He didn’t know what it was about her that brought him in, but it was something; something he wanted to figure out, so he can fix it. He didn’t want to feel this way about her because she was Matt’s and not his; and here he was thinking about her like she was some piece of property, never has he ever thought about a woman that way. They weren’t properties and they had minds of their own, but what he meant was that she was with Matt and not him. Matt had her and that thought made Zacky wish that he would have met her first. That made him think about the situation and if, they were together, they would be in the same one.

She cleared her throat causing him to jump a bit and his eyes to swing up to her, a smile spreading across his pink, lips.

“Took you forever,” he commented, his smile causing his eyes to twinkle.

She flushed, her cheeks turning a slight pink, “I’m sorry, I thought I didn’t feel well.”

The smile from his face as he looked to her, his eyes frantically searching to see if she was okay. She could see the question in his eyes and she held up a hand to stop him, she didn’t want him to ask because she was okay. She indicated to him that she was okay and it was just a phantom feeling, nothing to worry about. A cautious smile returned to his lips like he was afraid to smile, making him look slightly awkward; that causing her to laugh, her hand covering her mouth. She noticed that she had been doing that lately, laughing. It felt good to laugh because it lifted away the bad and only left the good, unless there was a reminder of the bad and than everything all comes crashing back down.

Zacky was still looking to her, taking her in. From her long hair, to her eyes and to her prominent belly. To him, she looked amazing and beautiful. There was nothing more beautiful than a woman with carrying a child, because they had a glow around them and it’s like they were radiating happiness all the time. She cleared her throat and brought him back from his thoughts.

“Tired?” He asked her.

She shook her head and gave him another smile, this time showing her teeth.

“I want to watch more movies.”

He chuckled and held his arm out to her, gently she looped hers through his and walked to the living room with him; the smile never leaving his face. She felt really good and right now she wasn’t going to stop feeling good because, for once, she wanted to smile and laugh. She didn’t want to cry or feel tears sliding down her cheeks. For once she wanted to go to bed happy and with a dry face, could that even happen? So far, everything was going good as Zacky lead her to the couch, before going to pick out a movie. He looked over the collection he had, calling out movie titles. Some of them she made a face at, causing him to laugh and set them in the no pile.

“What about Nightmare on Elm Street?” He asked her.

She nodded her head frantically, “Yes! That is one of my favorite movies, though you can so tell it’s fake”

He chuckled and pulled it out, putting it within the player and pressing play. It was a classic VHS tape, which she thought no one had anymore since DVDs were introduced. But she loved the vintage feel of it all, making it seem even more real. It reminded her of when she was younger, though she used to watch Disney movies and dream that she was one of them. Her mind was elsewhere as the movie started and she couldn’t help but think of her childhood, wanting her daughter to have the perfect one; well as perfect as it can get without a father. Well, a father that was in jail and never knowing when he was going to get out. Absentmindedly, she was rubbing her stomach and a small smile was on her face as she daydreamt about her daughter. Daydreaming of what she looked like, if she would have her daddy’s dimples and eyes or the dimples and her eyes. The sound of a phone ringing jarred her from her thoughts as Zacky got up to answer the phone.

“Yeah sure! We’re just watching Nightmare on Elm Street.”

There was a slight pause as he listened to the other person on the phone.

“Sure, you can bring her also.”

Clary swallowed hard and looked to Zacky, she knew that he had just invited someone over. Who was it? She doubted it was Brian, because he didn’t like her and it seemed like he didn’t want to be around her. That hurt her, she didn’t even know why but it made her heart pang and her throat close up on her. Shaking her head, she pushed those thoughts away and focused on happy ones, though she felt like this was going to take a lot out of her.

“Clary, Jimmy is coming over,” Zacky told her, looking to the girl.

“Really?” She asked, looking to him.

He nodded his head, “And he’s bringing Adrian”

“I thought he was with Leana,” She told him, confused.

“Yeah…they are over now, though. It just didn’t work out.”

She nodded her head and bit at her bottom lip, hoping to get along with the two people. She was nervous with meeting Adrian, because what would she think of her? She was beginning to go into panic mode, her breathing becoming a little sharp. Instantly, Zacky was by her side and rubbing her back, trying to calm her down.

“Take a deep breath,” he urged her, his hand softly going up and down her back, up and down her spine.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out and opening her eyes coming face to face with Zacky. His face was slowly inching closer to hers, their nose brushing and nuzzling together. Her eyes slowly began to close as her face moved closer to his, lips about to touch when a knock sent them scattering backwards onto the couch. Zacky let out a sigh and got up from the couch, running his fingers through his locks. His feet carried him to the door and his fingers wrapped around the knob, turning the small metal piece and opening the door. Jimmy stood there, his arm around his girl and gave him a smile, Zacky placed one on his lips, greeting the two before him.

“Hey, Vengeance,” Jimmy greeted, waving his hand frantically, like he was hyped up on sugar.

“Rev, Adrian, come in,” He greeted them and moved out of the way so that they could get in.

Adrian looked about the place, never having been here. Her and Jimmy had recently started to date and no one knew about them, besides Zacky. Jimmy didn’t want anyone to know yet, because he didn’t want it out and then it didn’t work out. She understood why he would do that, but sometimes she would love for the others to know, because she hated being a secret. She wanted to hold his hand, kiss him and all of the romantic stuff, but she couldn’t do that until they were at her place or his. These thoughts stayed within her head, she never told him because she didn’t want to start a fight, always having hated fighting with anyone. Her parents did enough of it when she was younger and she vowed to never be like them. They eventually divorced and her father hadn’t wanted her, which is why she kind of had resentment towards men. She was like that with Jimmy at first, and then she got to know him and it went from there. It was like an instant attraction and so far he’s been sweet and kind to her, making her feel like a princess; never having felt like that.

Clary pushed herself up from the couch and made her way over to them, waddling slightly because of her belly. She put a smile on her face and tried to hide the anxiety she was having, she kept telling herself that things were going to be okay. Maybe Jimmy would get to know her and would be on her side, which would mean a lot to her because she wasn’t a bad person. She didn’t mean for her mother to call the cops on Matt and than everything snowballed from that, it wasn’t her fault. No matter how many times she told herself that, there was a nagging voice in the back of her head that would tell her different. It was something she had tried getting rid of but it was fixated there and would laugh at her feeble attempts to tell it off, which made her sound like she was crazy. Maybe she was, you never know.

“Hi,” Clary spoke, making sure her voice didn’t wobble.

“Hi, this is Adrian my girlfriend,” Jimmy introduced to her.

Clary stuck her hand out in which, Adrian grabbed and shook it. Both of them muttering a nice to meet you, at the same time. They were both shy, their cheeks a slight pink as they greeted each other. Zacky couldn’t help but chuckle as he watched the two, relieved that he didn’t have to stick up for her. He would do anything for her, anything that would make her comfortable. He knew how much she wanted to fit in and he knew how much it hurt her when Syn went off on her. It wasn’t her fault. He couldn’t blame her for what her mother had done. Zacky wondered how this night was going to go, he was hoping that it went well but you never know what was going to happen; especially with Jimmy here.